Jokes!

[Nancy McClelland]

I'm not one to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me everyday to tell me my balance is outstanding.

 

[DJSpanky]

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

 

[DJSpanky]

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while I'm pumping gas!

 

[DJSpanky]

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

An Ohio based company made a cup holder for dip that attaches to a dashboard so you can eat chips and dip while you drive.I don't have a joke about this. I just wanted to remind everyone we're still the greatest country in the world. Conan O'brien

 

[DJSpanky]

Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

 

[DJSpanky]

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

 

[DJSpanky]

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

[Nancy McClelland]

A couple went to see a movie on Valentine's Day. As they sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start, the screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the concession stand. The couple realized there was no sound. The film began, but the silence continued. Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice shouted, "O K, who's got the remote control?"

 

[DJSpanky]

I had prepared for a battle of wits but I see you came unarmed.

 

[DJSpanky]

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

 

[DJSpanky]

Remember, children: the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

A husband and wife were reading a magazine and a newspaper when the wife burst out laughing. Listen to this she said. There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium. Hmmm, her husband replied not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, the wife asked, would you swap me for a season ticket? Never, he said. That's sweet-tell me why not. His reply, "the season is half over."

 

[DJSpanky]

My calling in life went straight to voicemail.

 

[DJSpanky]

Never answer an anonymous letter.

 

[DJSpanky]

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

 

[DJSpanky]

Girls are like roads, the more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.

 

[DJSpanky]

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

How did the Hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool!