Jokes!

[DJSpanky]

I'm not lazy ... I'm just in my energy saving mode.

 

[DJSpanky]

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering: do I keep the letters?

 

[Nancy McClelland]

I was the best door-to-door security alarm salesman for many years running. The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.

 

[DJSpanky]

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

I play golf in the low 70's. If it gets colder than that, I quit.

 

[DJSpanky]

I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he's only got his shelf to blame.

 

[DJSpanky]

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

 

[DJSpanky]

I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...

 

[Nancy McClelland]

My wife has the funnies way of starting conversations. She always begins by saying,"hey' are you listening?"

 

[Milyvan]

Nun caught in a downpour went into a monastery for shelter to find she was just in time for dinner. It turned out to be the most delicious fish & chips she ever ate. Wanting to thank them she walked into the kitchen and found 2 cooks. Telling them how wonderful it was she asked who made what.

"Well I'm the fish friar." said one.
"And I'm the chip monk." said the other.

 

[DJSpanky]

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

 

[DJSpanky]

Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.

 

[DJSpanky]

I hate insects puns: they really bug me.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

Slept like a log last night--woke up in the fireplace!

 

[DJSpanky]

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

[Milyvan]

Slept like a log last night--woke up in the fireplace!

At least you didn't sleep like a baby!

 

[Nancy McClelland]

"I wish my mouth had a backspace key."

 

[DJSpanky]

Sang the rainbow song in front of a police officer, got arrested for colorful language.

 

[DJSpanky]

Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one.