Jokes!

[DJSpanky]

A man walks into a saloon in the Old West and asks for a whiskey. While he's sipping his whiskey, he looks over and sees a horse with a sign that says: "Make the horse laugh and win a twenty dollar gold piece." So he asks the bartender if he can try, then walks over to the horse and whispers something in its ear. The horse cracks up, laughing so hard he's rolling on the floor. The man walks back to the bar, collects his gold piece and leaves.

A week later, the same man walks into the same saloon and again orders a whiskey. He looks over and sees the same horse, this time with a sign that says: "Make the horse cry and win a twenty dollar gold piece." So he goes over to the horse, takes him in the back room for a moment, and when they come out the horse is bawling. The man walks back to the bar and collects his gold piece. As he's about to leave, the bartender says: "Hey, wait a minute. You gotta tell me what you did, last week to make him laugh and this week to make him cry." So the man says: "Well, last week I told him that I was hung better than him. This week I showed him."

 

[DJSpanky]

A salesman, a lawyer and a marketing executive were out on a boat in the ocean fishing. A freak wave overturned their boat, causing it to sink. There was a small crag of rock nearby, jutting out of the ocean, so they began to swim for it. Soon the sharks started circling. Then, in an instant, one of them struck the marketing executive and they all converged in a feeding frenzy. The salesman and the lawyer swam faster to get to the rock, but soon the sharks were back circling again. Again, they struck and the salesman disappeared under the water. Now, it was just the lawyer swimming. Again, the sharks started circling, staying with him until he finally reached the rock and climbed up on it.

A couple of hours later, a Coast Guard helicopter showed up and winched him off of the rock. As they were flying back to land, he related the story to the crew. They were amazed, and one of them asked him: "How was it that they didn't attack you?" to which the lawyer replied: "Professional courtesy."

 

[Nancy McClelland]

This guy walks into a bar to get a drink. On the bar is a jar full of $100 dollar bills, so intrigued, he asks the bartender about it. The bartender tells him if he can perform 3 challenges after putting another hundred to the jar that he'll win all the money. Since he's curious and feels he's fairly tough he kicks in a Hundred Dollar Bill and asks what the rules are. The bartender tells him that he has to drink 10 shots of 151 proof rum in 2 minutes or less, go into the room #1 and wrestles a gorilla and if he beats the gorilla, he then goes into room #2 and has to make love to a 90 year old woman. So the bartender pours the rum and the guy downs all 10 shots in less than 2 minutes. Next, he goes into room #1 and there is a lot of noise--things crashing and banging into the walls. This goes on for about 5 minutes and then the bartender can hear the Gorilla screaming for a couple of minutes. The guy comes out all bruised and bloody with his clothes in rags and asks the bartender in a very slurred and drunk voice, "okay, now where the hell is this woman I have to wrestle?"

 

[DJSpanky]

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

 

[DJSpanky]

Whaddaya call 100 lawyers buried in the sand up to their necks? Not enough sand.

Whaddaya call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

Whaddaya call 100 lawyers skydiving? Skeet.

 

[Milyvan]

Just a few pics I thought might bemuse:

 

[Nancy McClelland]

Once again proving truth is stranger than fiction.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

Trump, the Pope and a boyscout are being flown in Airforce one when the Colonel in charge comes back and tells them bad news--the plane is going to crash and they have only 2 parachutes. The Pope tells them that he's had a good life, so he'll stay with the plane. Trump pushes them out of the way, grabs a chute and opens the door while telling them he's the most important of the 3 and that he's also the smartest man in the world so he deserves to live and then jumps out the open door. The Pope tells the scout to take a chute and save himself too. The scout then replies, "it's okay father, the smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack and jumped out of the plane, so we both still have chutes!"

 

[Milyvan]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

 

[Milyvan]

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'

'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.'
'Well, you were wrong.'

 

[DJSpanky]

If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

A woman is flying on a plane and finds out she seated next to a doctor. She starts up a conversation with him and then tells him she has a question, bit's a bit embarrassing. He tells her that he's heard it all, so go ahead and ask away. So, she asks if she could get pregnant from anal sex? The doctor answers, "of course you can, how do you think we get lawyers?"

 

[DJSpanky]

Don't steal. That's the government's job.

 

[Milyvan]

Blonde on a plane seated next to a lawyer. He keeps trying to talk but she's not interested. Trying to engage her he says "How about we play a game? You ask me a riddle & if I can't answer it I'll give you $5, then I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it you give me $5."

"Oh no. I couldn't afford that."
"What if I give you $10 for each wrong answer but you still only give me $5?"
"No thank-you"
"$20 and $5?"
"No."

Finally he says "How about I give you $500 for each question I can't answer and you give me $1 for those you can't"
The woman sighs an ok.

"Great!" the lawyer7 says. "You can even start."

"Ok. What starts out with 3 legs, goes up a hill with 4 legs and comes down with 3?"

The lawyer thinks & thinks. He pulls out his tablet and starts doing internet searches. After quite some time he gives up and gives her $500.

"So what is it?" he asks.

She answers "I don't know." handing him $1.

 

[DJSpanky]

So a redhead, a blonde and a brunette, all pregnant, are sitting in the OB/Gyn waiting room. They get to talking, and eventually the brunette says: "I'm going to have a boy because my man was on top when I conceived." The redhead immediately says: "Well, we're having a girl because I was on top!" The blonde bursts into tears. The other two rush over to console her and ask her what's wrong. She bursts out: "I'm going to have puppies!"

 

[Nancy McClelland]

A dad took his six year old son to his first football game. Afterward he asked the boy what he thought of the game? It was exciting he replied, but I don't understand why they were killing each other for twenty five cents. What do you mean, the dad asks him? Well, everyone kept yelling "Get the quarter back!"

 

[DJSpanky]

Two jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender looked at them and said: "You guys better not start anything in here!"

 

[DJSpanky]

I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.

 

[DJSpanky]

Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?

 

[DJSpanky]

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.