Jokes!

[Elf Mommy]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off! *****
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more. Expect less


NOW ....... Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died miserably from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you try to cover your ***, it always comes back to bite you.

 

[kirbyultra]

lol!

 

[NorthernAutumn]

Sorry, had to modify a-ss to get around our great wordfilter

[align=center]
The Pastor's A-ss
[/align]
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S A-SS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A-SS


This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:

NUN HAS BEST A-SS IN TOWN.


The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so
she sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS A-SS FOR $10.


This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER A-SS IS WILD AND FREE.


The Bishop was buried the next day.

[align=center]***
[/align]


The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's a-ss and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

Have a nice day!

 

[NorthernAutumn]

[align=center]Cooter and Gomer
[/align]
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two a-ssholes.'

'What? He had two a-ssholes?' asked the mortician.


'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two a-ssholes.'

:biggrin2:

(You can thank my dad for this, by the way )

 

[NorthernAutumn]

Here's another one from my dad (I think I'm the only person he actually knows on his email list, so he sends me all the gems )

Two clever nuns - This is Brilliant


There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL ).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to **** us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.


A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?


SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.




And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

 

[kirbyultra]

LOL! Nice one!

 

[Wabbitdad12]

That was good!

 

[Wabbitdad12]

[align=center]Urgent Warning forNext Thursday!!![/align]
[align=center][/align]

Aliens are coming to Earth on next Thursday and their mission is to abduct all good looking and sexy "old" people.


You will be safe; I'm just emailing you to say goodbye.

 

[kirbyultra]

:roflmao:

 

[NorthernAutumn]

We'll miss you, Dave!
Hope the probing goes well

 

[Wabbitdad12]

Fathers Day is coming!



Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a guy who doesn’t normally even know what he’d like for Father’s Day or Christmas would immediately ask for it:

Thank you, DeWalt!!!

[align=center]New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT.
It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X4 at 200 yards.
This makes construction a breeze,
You can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.
Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back,
Relax with a cold (Adult Beverage) drink and when she has the board in the right place,
Just fire away. [/align]

[align=center]
With the hundred round magazine
You can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.
After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun
The wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else, probably, ever again. [/align]

 

[Wabbitdad12]

Short Safari story,




[align=center]One of the great photo captions of all time...........

[/align]


[align=center]

[/align]

 

[Wabbitdad12]

As I walked down the busy sidewalk withmy wife, knowing I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turn to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them...

Recalling my old pastor, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked", I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes,where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

Asmall voice inside my head called out,"Reach out, reach out and touch this person"...

So I did and my wife reached out and touched me.

I won't be at church this week.

 

[Wabbitdad12]

Marriage Laws

Louisiana

It’s most likely that your wedding was officiated by a religious figure or judge. Or, if you're a bit more eccentric than some, you had a friend become ordained so he or she could marry you. New Orleans has made it illegal for palm readers, fortune tellers, mystics and the like to officiate a wedding. Guess they don't want you peeking at your future — you'll just have to go into it with blind faith like everyone else!



Connecticut

Imagine it: You get a babysitter so you and your hubby can go out for a romantic dinner. Afterward you take a stroll around town. Caught in the moment, you lean in for a passionate kiss. Busted! The police can cuff you and throw you in jail — that is, if you live in Hartford, Connecticut ... and it's Sunday. Well, maybe not these days, but technically, it’s still illegal in this city for a man to kiss his wife on the Lord's Day.



Kansas


Many husbands would probably say their mother-in-law isn't their favorite person in the world. But for those who really, really dislike their wife's mother, moving to Wichita, KS, might be a good option. In this city, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.



South Carolina

In South Carolina it's illegal for a man over 16 years old to propose marriage and not mean it. Doing so means he's committing a misdemeanor under the Offenses Against Morality and Decency Act. Not sure if that means he will be forced to marry the woman in question, or if he can't ask for a woman’s hand as a way to seduce her. We hope it's the latter.



Massachusetts

Despite the fact that the infamous witch trials were over 300 years ago, religious conservatism is still alive in Salem, Massachusetts — at least on the law books. Apparently, married couples are not allowed to sleep in the nude in a rented room. Of course, reflecting on numerous media reports about germs on hotel bedspreads, who would want to?!

Mississippi

In Truro, Mississippi, a groom-to-be must "prove himself manly" prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows. Manly is a good thing. Dead birds? Not so much.



Kentucky


In Kentucky, it's illegal to remarry the same man four times. Honestly, good for Kentucky: If you've already divorced him three[/i] times, someone should step in. Of course, as long as it's different men, you can get married and divorced as many times as you like.


Delaware


Ever been dared to get married ... as a prank? Neitherhas anyone else. But apparently this happens often enough in Delaware that it's actually an option when couples file for an annulment. Along with the basic reasons such as marrying "without the capacity to consent" or "under duress," couples can now check "because of a jest or dare" when applying to dissolve their nuptials.



Arkansas


For a few months between 2007 and 2008, anyone under 18 could get married in Arkansas with parental consent. (Yes, even babies — as their parents agreed!) The original law was meant to allow pregnant teenagers to get married if their parents approved, but lawmakers forgot to put in an age minimum. The law was corrected in April 2008, making the minimum age 17 for boys and 16 for girls.



Montana


Marriage by proxy, which means someone stands in for a bride/groom who can't be present at his/her wedding, is limited to members of the U.S. Armed Forces. But of the four states that allow the practice — California, Colorado, Texas and Montana — Montana is the only one that allows double-proxy weddings. Essentially, neither the bride nor groom has to show up. Callit old-fashioned, but it doesn’t seem like the ideal start to the biggest commitment of one's life.

 

[Ivory]

Louisiana's marriage law is ridiculous accurate LOL

 

[Pet_Bunny]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - considering their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began to nibble on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'You mean they actually chewed on your, uh.... equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes..

Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

 

[3rabbitsandcounting]

following.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

Do you know how to catch a polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and line it around with canned peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole---------been waiting more than 60 years to use that one!

 

[3rabbitsandcounting]

So funny!

 

[Nancy McClelland]

Roy Rogers needed a new pair of cowboy boots, so he went all out and bought a pair of Python boots, even though they were expensive. He got back to the ranch and did some chores, so his wife, Dale Evans made him leave the on the porch 'cause they were dusty. That night a mountain came by, ans since cats don't like snakes, the boots got tore up. When Roy found his boots, he was so upset that he saddle up Trigger, his horse and grabbed his 30-30 and hunted the cat down. He brought it back to the ranch draped over a pack animal, at which time Dale exclaimed, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes" (to the tune of "Chattanooga Choo-Choo") Been holding that one for a few decades too!