I haven't updated this for a while. I was pretty scared stuff would get lost in the move, but thankfully it didn't. I have a lot of stuff to update with, but first I'll carry over from the temp forum.
I posted this on there
I can put this here because I know soon enough it will all be deleted and that would be great. I would normally only stick this stuff in my blog now, but its not going to be permanent up here, so I'm just going to do it anyway.
Don't worry, I don't need anything from anyone, I do just need to vent about stuff.
As some who read my blog may know, I am now doing therapy. And my GOD! IT's a nightmare. I'm not stupid enough to think therapy would be all flowers and rainbows, but, due to the nature of this therapy, it's far worse for me than other types I have tried. It's making me iller. She told me I would need to get worse before I get better, but I think she meant by unearthing stuff, and such, but nothing has been unearthed, just the stress and pressure, and focus, have made my depression infinitely worse than it has been for a long time. I think I must be going back maybe 2 years or so. I am really struggling to get out of bed, do the rabbits, get dressed, blah blah blah. Normally I'm a functional depressive, but right now, my functions are lacking.
Even though I am in theray I have little to no support still. The group part is just like a lecture, so I do what I do, and keep the smile on my face, and don't tell people what's going on (how can I, it's not like they really actuall care or want to know), I am just 'fine'. Equally, with my individual therapist, we haven't exactly clicked. I don't trust her, or like her, and so far, out of three sessions, we have only completed one (one time I ran out in a panic, and the second time she was apparently ill).
The other problem with the therapy is that it is designed to teach you skills, however, most of these skills I already do, so its like I'm putting myself through all this needlessly. Yes, I do find it helpful being able to understand that I do these things, and separating them off from each other, but I still do them, I don't need to be taught them.
Another part of this is that they want to strip me down (mentally, not just make me naked 
) and then 'fix' me, but thats not going to be achievable in the 8 weeks remaining, so I'll probably end up stripped down, then have no support, which seems pointless to me. Yes, I may be ill, but I don't want to make myself iller, just to be cast aside.
Yes, I am very cynical, but if you knew the history I have with these sort of people, you would understand.
Probably only Polly has some sort of inkling how hard it is for me, because she reads what I write after every group session, but everyone else has carried on expecting support from me. I have known for a long time that most people only talk to me when they want something, be it support, advice, etc, and I've been desperately trying to break free from that because I don't want those toxic relationships, yet I can't get away from them. The other side is that it's a vicious cycle. They talk about themselves, so I actually pull back and talk about myself less because I know they do't give a damn, so then they talk about themselves more, and so it goes on. I've been trying to look at my thought processes, and analyse why I do it, and how it happens, and such. I can identify why it happens, but I have yet to work out a way to stop it other than cutting them out, which is a bit extreme. I guess I'm just really struggling with communicating with people in a successful way.
To top it off my buns are not great. Nothing major, just little niggles here and there (spurs, eye infection, 'boy bit infection', Summer's stuff, ridiculous moulting, the bonding issues), and when they wobble, I wobble.
I guess I'm just really struggling, and I have a feeling this turned into a moan, which it wasn't supposed to be, so sorry about that. Sometimes venting just helps, but you can rest assured it will be deleted
It's ok if it goes here in my blog, but I am not comfortable with it being a stand alone thread, hence why it was ok to post it when I knew the forum was temporary.
The only reason I have copied this over here is because I need to respond to the final post in that thread, otherwise it will eat me alive.
When I first start talking to people I look at it on a level ground, and from that the road of the relationship I have with that person evolves, like with anyone.
If someone talks about themselves right from the word get go then I do retreat into myself, therefore they talk about themselves more, etc, which was obviously what I said up there. So yes, I am aware that it is something I encourage, but not encourage in a positive way, just more encourage it by default because by retracting into myself the other person has the opportunity to talk as much as they want. However, like I also said up there, I haven't been able to work out how to break that.
I completely disagree that I threaten to leave if someone doesn't support me. Very rarely do I ask for support from people. In fact, normally only Polly has that delight. The only time I cut people out is if they really hurt me, and I cut people out as a defence.
What I have found I need from people is understanding. When I know someone is struggling I can see that if they are 'funny' or 'off' or whatever, that it's not something necessarily personal to me, it is something going on for them, and I can detach myself from it. People often don't give me that leeway, and maybe that's the problem. Polly has become an expert at it (unfortunately, but also fortunately), which is probably how our friendship has ended up so strong. When I'm in that mind I can't process anything properly, it might be because I'm psychotic, or delusional, or dissociated, but things don't process normally, and that's what people struggle to see, because normally I appear so balanced and able to cope with others problems and have an accurate awareness about myself.
About a year or so ago on here I absolutely went off the keel at two senior mods, but at the time, to me, it seemed completely rational, but it was with hindsight that I realised what I said was garbage and had to literally beg them for forgiveness because I had behaved so disgustingly to them. Thankfully they were bigger people than me and able to accept my apology. What I was said so out of whack that they probably realised I was not 'right', whereas if what I said had been less odd, they may have just thought I was being a b*tch, and may not have been as nice. We did talk about it after, and I did learn a lot from them, and from that experience, most definitely. That's what I have found is useful, is that when I 'come back' to look at what has been said and then decide if it was rational or nor, and work through it myself, or sometimes, with the other person involved.
Very rarely do I need someone to be able to realise that I may not be myself, and to just step back, but it does happen. Unfortunately, it's a part of every illness on this planet, and people do need allowances/leeway made, be them physical or mental.
Having said all that, I have a 'need' to 'save' people, or as my therapist calls it, 'rescuing' people. That in itself is obviously unhealthy and leads to these problems too. This is something that is being worked on though, and I am much better than I ever was. I can see when it's happening, I can identify the places I do it too.
Having said that, I have also wondered if I hope for too much from people, but part of my problem is that my social skills and interpersonal relationships are very stormy, and so whilst I'm trying to work through it, I'm trying to work out what is 'normal' and what is BPD. I do know that no one should support anyone else, and no one should expect it. I would also hate to be considered a user, so if someone, or something, helps me a great deal, then I like to give back to that person, or place. I guess what I try to do is to treat people in a way that I would like to be treated myself, but obviously I do get that wrong, I'm human, and make mistakes, some pretty bad mistakes too. That's only when I'm myself, when I'm not myself I'm a disgusting, evil 'thing'. And the two are very clear cut from each other.
I also think the internet is a very hard place to get things 'right' because you never fully know what is going on on the other end in someone's lif,e you can easily misinterpret stuff, technology can let us down, and to find a solid and trustworthy friend on the internet is a hard thing to do. Often the internet brings us together with people with similar interests/problems, moreso than we may meet in real life, and that, if the problem is 'wrong' it can lead to unhealthy relationships that wouldn't necessarily occur in real life. In the real world the things that get discussed on the itnernet are not readily or easily discussed a lot of the time, which also leads to different dynamics in relationships.
So in summary, yes, I know I'm at fault in all this and I know it's all my fault, but I am trying my hardest to work on it, I can't do more than that.
