This may be inappropriate for some people to read given it goes into a fair amount of depth about my mental health problems. Also, I just want to say that I am pretty open about all this because it's not a choice, it's part of me, and an illness, and so I know some people will find this too open, or honest. That is sort of what Peg said in her blog actually, about what people say about her. In terms of me, this is related to me being very aware of myself and intune with myself.
Thanks Sabine
You've been really supportive recently so thank you so much
I'm a lot calmer now (and have finally eaten something moderately substancial). I'm going to do a test run over the weekend and I know where one reception is so if I get in a panic then I can go and ask them where I should go.
The hospital won't send someone. It's a private hospital funded by my local NHS so it's a bit different from a regular NHS hospital or where you are under the care of the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team).
I have been in the mental health system for 4 years now, although my problems startd to show 17 years ago, but were very much ignored. During that time (the 4 years in the mental health system) I have passed through a few diagnoses, seen multiple professionals, none of which have felt able to help me, or able to offer me any sort of therapy. They basically deemed me too complex to help and discharged me from their services, so I have had to work so hard myself to try and get myself to where I am.
I'm pretty much in a completely different universe from where I was a couple of years ago, when I was sectioned, when I used to spend like 4 out of every 7 evenings sitting in A&E, where I have mostly no recollection of that time of my life, where I would go missing and have to be found by the police, where I didn't understand myself at all, and more.
Now I am moderately functional, I can actually volunteer and help people and buns, I am seven and a half months self harm free (which, when it used to be at least once a day is a huge thing) and haven't overdosed since September, I can see good in myself, I have some self worth, and I finally want/need to fight, I can sort of look at my future options too. I even managed to see my friends on Christmas Eve which I have not done for 4 years and that was amazing (once I recovered from the stress, lol).
I have one major problem that I need some help with though, that I just simply can not beat myself. The rest I have absolutely done all by myself with occasional support from my GP. I have picked myself up from the absolute lowest that people can get to and just taken baby step after baby step to get myself to a far better place (although still very far from where I want to be).
My main problem is dissociation. Basically it affects me in a few different ways, sometimes I forget who I am, where I am, what I'm doing, how to do something, and this obviously impacts quite a lot on my regular life. It can happen anywhere, at any time, like if I'm driving down a road I drive a lot, one day I might forget and not recognise it and be 'lost', or like I might forget how to pour oil out of a bottle (this has happened more than ocne and is SO frustrating), or I forget how to get dressed or other things as equally mundane and normal. These I am learning to cope with, for example, if I forget where I am when driving I just keep driving until I know where I am, or if I forget how to do someting I just go away and then go back a few mins later and normally my brain has normalised a little.
The main type of dissociation that REALLY gets me and that I do need to beat is when I get a blank of time and in that time do something self destructive to myself because this really disrupts my life. It can be triggered either by an emotion (because I normally don't feel emotions, so any sort of emotion comes in an extreme and triggers it) or it can trigger itself (and that's something thats probably not appropriate to go into on here because I know I'm already walking a very fine line here as to what is and what isn't appropriate).
This therapy is called DBT (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy), and is primarily for people who have Borderline Personality Disorder (which I have), and whilst I have that and my dissociation is part of that, the DBT may not help the dissocation much (The BPD specialist guy was the one who told me it had limited capacity to help me). Given that my local CMHT have discarded me, and I have tried several avenues myself (private therapists, MIND, saneline, etc) to no avail, this truly is my last shot. If this doesn't work, then I'm pretty much a lost cause. I have said many times in recent years that me, as a person, can keep fighting as long as I have hope, but if the hope is taken, or goes, then I will be lost. Basically, this is actually my last shot because whilst I can keep trying different therapists and such, I won't get a chance for this type of therapy again.
On a side note my anti depressants didn't happen. I took one on Saturday and they knocked me sideways in a way I have never, ever experienced with anything like this before, and add to that a stomach bug (hence the not eating), it has been a rough few days, lol. But yeh, the medication just didn't happen.
That was long and waffly, and probably explains more than needed to be explained, but often people who depression can over catastrophise situations (such as if someone says they can't help but to try X, Y, Z, the person may think that no one can help them , and give up, because that's the nature of the best), and I don't do that, I'm actually very realistic about a lot of things, this, unfortunately, being one of them.
Sorry, more waffle! lol.
Thanks Sabine
You've been really supportive recently so thank you so much I'm a lot calmer now (and have finally eaten something moderately substancial). I'm going to do a test run over the weekend and I know where one reception is so if I get in a panic then I can go and ask them where I should go.
The hospital won't send someone. It's a private hospital funded by my local NHS so it's a bit different from a regular NHS hospital or where you are under the care of the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team).
I have been in the mental health system for 4 years now, although my problems startd to show 17 years ago, but were very much ignored. During that time (the 4 years in the mental health system) I have passed through a few diagnoses, seen multiple professionals, none of which have felt able to help me, or able to offer me any sort of therapy. They basically deemed me too complex to help and discharged me from their services, so I have had to work so hard myself to try and get myself to where I am.
I'm pretty much in a completely different universe from where I was a couple of years ago, when I was sectioned, when I used to spend like 4 out of every 7 evenings sitting in A&E, where I have mostly no recollection of that time of my life, where I would go missing and have to be found by the police, where I didn't understand myself at all, and more.
Now I am moderately functional, I can actually volunteer and help people and buns, I am seven and a half months self harm free (which, when it used to be at least once a day is a huge thing) and haven't overdosed since September, I can see good in myself, I have some self worth, and I finally want/need to fight, I can sort of look at my future options too. I even managed to see my friends on Christmas Eve which I have not done for 4 years and that was amazing (once I recovered from the stress, lol).
I have one major problem that I need some help with though, that I just simply can not beat myself. The rest I have absolutely done all by myself with occasional support from my GP. I have picked myself up from the absolute lowest that people can get to and just taken baby step after baby step to get myself to a far better place (although still very far from where I want to be).
My main problem is dissociation. Basically it affects me in a few different ways, sometimes I forget who I am, where I am, what I'm doing, how to do something, and this obviously impacts quite a lot on my regular life. It can happen anywhere, at any time, like if I'm driving down a road I drive a lot, one day I might forget and not recognise it and be 'lost', or like I might forget how to pour oil out of a bottle (this has happened more than ocne and is SO frustrating), or I forget how to get dressed or other things as equally mundane and normal. These I am learning to cope with, for example, if I forget where I am when driving I just keep driving until I know where I am, or if I forget how to do someting I just go away and then go back a few mins later and normally my brain has normalised a little.
The main type of dissociation that REALLY gets me and that I do need to beat is when I get a blank of time and in that time do something self destructive to myself because this really disrupts my life. It can be triggered either by an emotion (because I normally don't feel emotions, so any sort of emotion comes in an extreme and triggers it) or it can trigger itself (and that's something thats probably not appropriate to go into on here because I know I'm already walking a very fine line here as to what is and what isn't appropriate).
This therapy is called DBT (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy), and is primarily for people who have Borderline Personality Disorder (which I have), and whilst I have that and my dissociation is part of that, the DBT may not help the dissocation much (The BPD specialist guy was the one who told me it had limited capacity to help me). Given that my local CMHT have discarded me, and I have tried several avenues myself (private therapists, MIND, saneline, etc) to no avail, this truly is my last shot. If this doesn't work, then I'm pretty much a lost cause. I have said many times in recent years that me, as a person, can keep fighting as long as I have hope, but if the hope is taken, or goes, then I will be lost. Basically, this is actually my last shot because whilst I can keep trying different therapists and such, I won't get a chance for this type of therapy again.
On a side note my anti depressants didn't happen. I took one on Saturday and they knocked me sideways in a way I have never, ever experienced with anything like this before, and add to that a stomach bug (hence the not eating), it has been a rough few days, lol. But yeh, the medication just didn't happen.
That was long and waffly, and probably explains more than needed to be explained, but often people who depression can over catastrophise situations (such as if someone says they can't help but to try X, Y, Z, the person may think that no one can help them , and give up, because that's the nature of the best), and I don't do that, I'm actually very realistic about a lot of things, this, unfortunately, being one of them.
Sorry, more waffle! lol.
