Ok, so this is about today.
A few days ago I posted some anxieties on a different forum. This is what I posted.
I have the chance for some excellent therapy (DBT at the Priory), and that's an amazing chance and a huge opportunity. I know how huge this is. I have some fears though, some large, some not so large, and I just really need to write them out. Please don't think I'm ungrateful for this chance, I am just petrified, but I'm not going to throw this away.
~I'll start with a simple one. I'm scared of the mealtime. It's for 5 hours a day, each week, and I'm scared about the mealtime, specifically the first one because I obviously don't know what will happen. I struggle to eat in front of people, especially at the moment, and when I get anxious I also feel sick. The thought of the unknown mealtime makes me want to cry. I do have an assessment on Monday though, before any therapy is decided, and I will be asking her what happens, which might help.
~I am scared that this is my last shot. I have been told it will only be moderately useful, and I'm very scared about what happens if this does not help me enough. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to do everything in my power to make this work, but what if it doesn't? I was deemed too complex to help by my CMHT and have had no support at all for years (despite desperately needing it) and this could be my one and only shot at getting better. I did ask my GP what would happen if it didn't get me better enough and he said that the Priory would then look at what could help and what the next step would be. I am just so used to being let down that that sounds too good to be true.
~After being a regular self harmer for a long time I have made it nearly 8 months free. DBT focuses a lot on your self destructive tendencies, and in those 8 months I have done a lot of distancing from things like that, and I'm scared that it might make it a large focus on my life again and take me back down.
~Related to the point above, I am very much concerned that I will feel I have to start doing all these things again to mean I am 'good enough' or 'ill enough' to be on the course.
~I am worried that if the other patients discuss their harm that it will make me want to do it. I have never been outwardly competitive, but inwardly I have always challenged myself (or rather, a part of me has challenged another part of me), and I have done some pretty horrific things to myself (my GP calls me a chronic and extreme self harmer) and I don't want to get stuck in some sort of sick competitive mindset, just so that I can mentally say to myself 'I did X, better than she did' or whatever. That takes a lot to admit, and I would never compete with someone, or ever tell anyone what I was doing, but that was how I felt. I think maybe it justified how bad I was feeling? Although I also know deep down that the severity of what you do does not indicate the level of pain you feel internally.
~I have not had any sort of help or support (except sporadic GP appointments) ever, really, but my encounters with mental health professionals have always left me worse than before, for a lot of reasons. I don't mean in a 'it gets worse before it gets better' way, but for example, when I was sectioned I got no help after, yet two and a half years later I still suffer panic attacks about being sectioned, and I get flash backs too. The times I have begged for help they have refused, which made me worse in that I dissociated and harmed myself badly. One time I had an assessment with a psych and he didn't listen to what I said and twisted my words and asked good questions like 'how does it feel to know your life is going no where' and after that assessment it was the first ever time I saw visual hallucinations. I have come a long way by myself this year, infact, I'm a different person, and I'm petrified that going back into seeing people like this could make me worse and take me back light years.
Sorry for venting all that, but everyone just tells me what a huge opportunity this is, and it is, I knwo that, but that doesn't prevent me feeling scared, if anything, it makes me more scared because of the hugeness of it all.
If anyone read this far, thank you
Ok, so that was what I posted.
Today I met with a lady for an assessment. She mostly talked and explained about the therapy, I filled in some forms. The forms showed I have moderate anxiety and severe depression.
I took with me a copy of those anxieties ready to give them to her. When she started talking about the therapy it was like my worst nightmare. So much is focused on the self hamr side. I have worked SO hard to move away from that and to get rid of the triggers, and I know fully well that some of the things that will come up are going to trigger me. My self harm is life threatening and I can't afford to go back to that point again. I have 17 bunnies (as you know) and they need me here. Without me, they will be rehomed (or euthanised). I have to be here. Going into this sort of environment is going to be a huge risk. This is my main fear.
I think I put so much hope into this therapy being of use that I thought the worse that could happen would be that it dind't help. Until last week I didn't even entertain the idea that it could make me worse, or take me back to where I was.
The lady was very rushed, and harassed, and definitely not easy to open up to. I did manage to tell her about my food anxiety and how I wasn't going anywhere near the restuarant, but the rest went unmentioned.
She talked about supporting poeple and how if I'm strong enough and can do that then it could help me. My brain warps that into 'you need to support people' and that's what I do. Other than a couple of people from here I hardly support anyone anymore because I just don't have the energy for it (despite some people still demanding it).
I always said I would never do group therapy, but I got so desperate that I fought for it, but with other people I just put on the functional front, I n't open up to people, I just smile and laugh. Ihave no intention of doing otherwise in this group, not through choice, but its a subconscious act that goes on.
The thing starts tomorrow so I don't get any time to properly think about it, I'm just thrown in at the deep end. I haven't been able to talk it through with anyone who knows, and that's what I desperately need. I would talk to my GP but I can't. There is no one. Polly has been ace at listening, but she doesn't really know. I don't even really know, to be fair.
This course is twelve weeks long. Dad said try two or three and see how you feel. I don't want this. The time is definitely not right for me right now. Yes, I may get benefits, or I may get much worse and then get better, but I don't want to risk all the work I have actually already done. I have been told I don't comply with those treating me, but that's actually not true. When you are suffering paranoid delusions and think people are trying to kill you it's a bit hard to comply with those people. If I don't do this, then I stand no chance at anything else. I am not doing this to get better now, it's a means to an end, and its a huge risk for me. Its a huger risk for my rabbits, who stand to lose the world, if this goes wrong.
Then I came home and needed some light entertainment and conversation and that went a**e over t*t. I know I'm really difficult to get on with, and most people don't know how to handle 'borderlines' but that doesnt make people's reactions to how you act any easier. I do the best I can with the attitude I have and the problems I have, but it's just not good enough.
I have to go tomorrow. My head is all over the place from todays assessment, my head is messed up from the conversation I had earlier. I'm dreading it. I can't cope. I can't do it. I'm sorry.
