Shya-she does what she wants

[whitelop]

Haha. Yes, I sent her fur! It was hilarious. And she got to pet a bunny on the other side of the earth! LOL

 

[Katielovesleo3]

Haha it sounds hilarious! ^.^


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[kmaben]

ooooohhkay so it seems after four months my writers block seems to have lifted. I've been pecking around on five different story lines. Ellie's story seems to be coming along pretty well. Let me know honestly what you think. Not so much editing or anything but is it something you would read to your kids? Is the voice appropriate for a 6-8 year old? The intent is to truly try and get published. I may have even found an artist for the illustrations. I really would appreciate even brutally honesty feedback. I feel like it's really missing something. You'll find a few notes that I wrote for myself. Like I need to come up with a name for the imaginary town they live in. I'm thinking "barabi" as a play on bad rabbit. But it sounds to middle eastern for me. Again BRUTAL honesty. You can't hurt my feelings. I dont have any.

Here goes and no it's not complete.
In the town of Lalala (come up with a name) there lived a little black and white ball of energy. Her name was Ellie.
Ellie loved to play and be daring for she had little fear but Ellie also had a habit of getting into trouble.
On this fine spring day Ellie heard much shrieking and merriment down by the stream. She came upon some rabbits jumping across it trying not to get wet. Of course this looked like fun and Ellie had some skill with hopping.
“Can I try?” Ellie hopped up asking hopefully.
“Sure can. Just take a jump and see if you can make it.” Said Tippy leader of the rabbits.
Ellie took a flying leap and landed just short of the bank. She made a huge splash that got Tippy standing nearby all wet. Ellie giggled in amusement at Tippy’s upset face.
“Ellie! I have to go to ballet class shortly! I can’t show up all wet!”
“It’s just a little water! And besides its fun!” Ellie squealed as she began to splash all the other rabbits expecting them to join in on the fun.
Ellie stop it!
The other rabbits just stared at Ellie. Ellie shrugged her shoulders and wandered off in search of something new to try.
Ellie moved on looking for someone new to play with. Everyone knew that Ellie had a habit of getting into to trouble.
Kai came hopping around the corner and noticed Ellie sitting by herself.
“Hi!”
“hullo.”
“Are you ok?”
“No one wants to play with me.”
“Well why? I’ll play with you!” Kai exclaimed, his curiosity getting the better of him. Why should anyone play by themselves? That was no fun.
(Insert more dialogue, maybe an activity and they come upon the bush)
“Look at that Raspberry bush!” exclaimed Ellie
Kai eyed the bush with its ripe berries, calling out to him, begging to be eaten.
“I don’t know Ellie. That bush belongs to Mrs. Agora. We should ask her before we eat them.”
(Ellie eats and Kai helps. Mrs. Agora is mad and tells them off. Kai wanders off because he’s done getting in trouble)
Ellie begged and wheedled for someone, anyone, to play with her, but they all said no. The day’s misadventures still fresh in their minds.

Mrs. Agora came around the corner and saw Ellie shedding big dew drop tears.
(Insert Mrs. Agora’s words of wisdom and lesson learned for story)

 

[whitelop]

I think its awesome! Once you get the moral of the story together and what Ellie and Kia do together.

I think it does sound like its for 6-8 year olds. Like, The Pokey Little Puppy, remember that one? Along the same lines, age wise.

And I'm pretty sure that Ellie would definitely(I totally forgot how to spell definitely), get someone wet!

 

[kmaben]

Oh yes. Her story was definitely going to have water involved some how!

 

[PaGal]

It sounds good to me. I think children would enjoy the story when finished and there is nothing in the story that could not be read to/ by a child.

 

[Katielovesleo3]

Oh I like it!!!! I can picture a little Ellie bunny illustrations all in my mind and with the pictures in y mind it comes together even better! LOVE IT! I would read it to kids but I don't have any so I would buy it for myself ^.^


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[DogCatMom]

Like I need to come up with a name for the imaginary town they live in. I'm thinking "barabi" as a play on bad rabbit. But it sounds to middle eastern for me.

Possible names of villages/towns in a mythical rabbit-centric world:

Wabity, Wabbity, Wabbiti
Wabbiton, -town
Tibbar (story is aimed at 6- to 8-year olds; they'll feel clever figuring "backwards"! out)
Tibbarville, -ton, -town
Hareville

Maybe one of these will work, or maybe spur your imagination towards *the* name.

If you were writing for pre-schoolers, names like Wabwab would be good, because at that age they LOVE to repeat syllables and create alliterative phrases. But in the lower elementary grades, "Wabwab" and similar names fall out of favor. "Bunnyburg" might work for upper elementary grades, e.g., 9- to 11-year-olds. To me, it seems fairly sophisticated for your target audience, but you may feel differently.

Great idea!

 

[PaGal]

I had the twins read your story this morning before school. I didn't get the chance to have the oldest read it. The twins are eight. They both liked the story. It is short for them but they are up to reading books as long as Harry Potter. The only thing they said they did not like was that it was not finished. So three thumbs up here.

I did wonder what age group you were going for. In my experience at least it is the younger children that read shorter stories such as this one. Although it may not be so short once you finish. For younger children it may be difficult to read but I could very well see myself reading the book to younger children and believe they could follow the story. Some words might just be too difficult for them to read themselves. I may be all off though as all three girls are advanced readers and have been since they started reading.

I would willingly buy a copy if published.

 

[kmaben]

Love the insight Denise. Thinking I need to lower my target audience. Or rather that my story seems to do that already. It seems a short story to be read to a child. The other stories kind of run along the same line and length. Kai's story is the hardest one to get off the ground. I want to do a travel series with him but unsure how to proceed.

Dont know why it didnt hit me but I really like the idea of tibbar! Not gonna lie I had to sit and look at it for a minute.

 

[whitelop]

I read all different things to AJ. I think a 6-8 year old would be able to read that story, but also their parents would be able to read it to them. I read books to AJ that are for 6-8 year olds I guess. He can't read them, but he can listen. Whether he understands it, I'm unsure of, but I still read them. I have some favorites that get read more than others, maybe one day they'll be etched into his brain from my reading them over and over.

I would read him this story and when he was old enough he would be able to read it on his own. You have to think though, Has Christian Anderson didn't write stories to the just kids to read themselves, he wrote them for the parents to read TO the kids. To convey the message that if you were bad, you would get eaten. It was about the moral, not so much the ability to read. (All kids should be able to read though, thats not what I'm saying). Its about the moral and the bonding of a parent reading to a child. Thats the way I see it though.

My new favorite kids book is A Pocket Full of Kisses, by Audrey Penn. Its fantastic.

 

[PaGal]

Are you planning on writing Kai's stories for kids as well? Something along the lines of stories of him traveling to different places but with some factual information in the stories about the places he goes or something else? The thought of something similar to the Magic Tree House Series popped into my mind. But where they went to places based on history Kai's would be just be places. I don't even know if that made any sense at all. sorry.

 

[whitelop]

I loved the Magic Tree House books! I remember those from being a kid, they were always interesting.

 

[kmaben]

I was thinking more like places with facts. Like the leaning tower of Pisa, Colosseum, windmills and bike garages in the Netherlands, The giants stairs in Ireland. When I was in 3rd grade (uh 20 years ago?) we had this banner around the room with a boy and a girl from all over the world. I remember my favorite pair was a little boy and girl in traditional dutch clothing with a windmill in the back. I promised myself then and there I would travel to those places. I still remember that banner and it deeply sparked an interest in the world around me. That's why moving to Germany was so easy for me. I think American kids today (and Americans in general) dont understand countries and cultures beyond their own. Germany alone is bordered by four vastly different cultures. In the states while we can be considered a melting pot we're still predominately American with little outside influences. If Kai and a picture of the Colosseum sparks a kid to want to go, my goal has been reached.

 

[Chrisdoc]

I loved the story and think it has great potential for development, I think kids would really enjoy it. I also like the idea of Kai travelling the world. I´ve visited quite a few places, I especially liked Holland, people are so friendly as well but I´ve been to Germany, Belgium, France, Italy, Morocco, Portugal and I think there´s lots to develop in encouraging kids to want to travel and see these places. In Spain, there is so much to see too in Granada, Seville, Cordoba which are relatively close to me. He could visit the monkeys in Gibraltar as well. I´ve always loved reading an just love to see kids who love their books.

 

[flemish giant]

He could got to places like Holland and England and germany and meet rabbits like the German giant, Holland lop, and endlish Angora etc....

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[PaGal]

just had the 11 year old read it. She said to tell you that it would make a good picture book for younger children.

 

[Bonsai]

I've been stalking this blog, hope you don't mind me popping in and giving my 0.02.

I liked what you had of the story, its easy-to-read - keeping kids in mind - and has a pretty good moral going on. For the Kai book, I have to second Flemish Giant. You could have the undertone be "acceptance of other cultures/groups". Like you could even bring in dwarf/giant/lop breeds - to kinda represent different people that don't have a certain "culture" they all go into (short people, tall people, people with 'deformities' or traits that set them apart, etc). It'd be a very positive message to children! And one that's sorely needed. I see so many kids these days that openly make fun of other people!! Makes me so mad.

Also, can I just say I love Shya? I love reading about her, but I think I will love her from afar. I have a crazy calico cat that I'm sure Shya would team up with (or beat up, probably) and cause all sorts of chaos. Kai, on the other hand... He seems like such a big sweetie! Don't come looking for me if he comes up missing!

 

[kmaben]

A REAL sandstorm! I'm strangley excited! And the day started off so badly. I hope it rains mud! You have not lived until you've had mud rain on you. Temp dropped like 20 degrees. It's almost cold! Hold on to the tent before it blows away everybody!!!!

Yeeeeehaaaaaaaw!

 

[whitelop]

What is the temp now, like 100*? I'm sure you could catch a chill!