AngelnSnuffy wrote
Big points made there. But I always feel with you, Peg, that I cannot imagine, you know? Even though I had a hard one, I have been offering you condolences too much, it's not fair to you, and yes, it's never fair to anyone. God has made you stronger, for others
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One point I want to make is that, you, Peg, have given us strength, because God gave YOU the strength. He knew you could do this, I guess.:hug: He's helped you to be one tough cookie, because you are.
I am graced with His presence and Love, I really am
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As strange as it may sound - I think God used the deaths over the past year to make me stronger for Tiny's passing - and to be able to help others. That doesn't mean I LIKE the fact that we had to go through those deaths. Its just...each one somehow toughened me up. Each one (as I was willing to go through the grieving process) made me stronger.
For those who don't know me - in the spring of 2005 (before I started breeding) - we got six bunnies that became our pets. We started with Tiny & Tio & Kyo (Netherland dwarf brothers). Then we added GingerSpice and SugarBear (lionheads) and finally - Puck.
GingerSpice died of what we think was e cunniculi in Jan of 2007. I was devastated and for months I was practically non-functional around the house (I buried myself in the forum to hide from the pain).
Puck died after fighting wry neck for months...and if I remember right - SugarBear died the same week.
Kyo (Robin's rabbit) had been rehomed in a pet home. This left me with Tiny & Tio.
Then - in the course of a few short weeks - we lost three out of four in a litter - three that were going to go to Rosie (Maherwoman).....Dusty, Drew & Bun Bun. The way they passed led us to believe that maybe they had some sort of a hidden genetic heart defect.
Each loss was devastating....each time I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and never come back out.
But each loss became "easier" to take. I could go on....I had to go on. I have a family and I had Tiny - and to be honest with you - he gave me so much strength.
One of the things that has greatly comforted me - more than anyone can know - is that I had 48 hours where I knew Tiny was ill and we could lose him. When he passed - it wasn't a total shock....I'd had time to start preparing myself (even though I never wanted it to happen).
I still remember the feel of him laying in my arms on the dog's bed that Friday night when I slept with him. I'd pet him and pet him....and if I stopped- he'd nudge me. If that didn't work - he'd lightly nip me. The memory of that night is just so special. For one thing - he looked so shocked (and pleased) that I'd spend the night laying on the floor with him. Funny....I used to lay on the floor with him when I was trying to get him to trustme - but I didn't do it a lot later on (although these last few months I did sit on the floor with him a lot).
Also - from the time on Sunday when I became more sure we were gonna lose him (about 2 pm) till we lost him - I had almost 6 hours. I spent at least one hour of that on the floor with him - talking to him - telling him I loved him - telling him how much he taught me. I spent it petting him the way he loved and snuggling with him and keeping him warm by holding him close.
Those memories hurt so much - and yet - they bring me such comfort.
The fact we were with him when he passed (even though I swore he didn't want me there) help too. I still see his head in shoulders cradled in Art's arms as he took his last few gasps....with me rubbing his nose and telling him I loved him. I was able to be there with him - and his crossing was so peaceful....
There is a verse in scripture about how we will comfort others with the comfort we've received (something like that) - and that is true. What I experienced this last year has made me stronger - but also the comfort I received from others.
I think part of what hurt the worst....besides losing Tiny....was knowing how much the forum was hurting. I didn't realize just how beloved he was until he got ill. When he passed - I so hated coming on here - I felt like I'd failed not only him - but the forum.
As I debated about getting another rabbit....two of the things I considered were....Miss Bea.....and the forum.
I really felt the pain of the forum - so many people were hurting so bad. Could bringing another rabbit into our family help us - and others - make it through the pain?
I don't normally like to point out one person or another - but one person who really influenced me - more by her past actions than anything else - was Bassetluv. As y'all may know - I loved her Raph...I followed him everytime she posted. Over time -we'd talked several times as Raph and Ginger both had health issues and we needed to think about their quality of life, etc.
When she got Yofi, I really felt like it helped not only her - but the forum. I felt like we all had another rabbit to love - one with a huge personality....etc. I know that her addition of Yofi really helped me to heal from the loss of Raph.
Now - as I type this - Zeus is choosing to groom Miss Bea and snuggling with her. (Honestly, I think they're both silently planning their next antics). His stories are helping to make people laugh (I hope) and somehow - I think he's reminding us that life does go on.
This isn't the life I would have chosen....if I'd had my way - Tiny would be here still and I'd have my best bud with me.
But honestly - I think in the last 24-48 hours, I've come to grips with this is the life God has dealt to me. I've struggled with my faith (which I've had for over 40 years now) more over the loss of Tiny than over anything else. I've yelled at God, I've questioned God - I even tried to make deals with God during Tiny's last 48 hours.
But I've come to the point that in my beliefs.....either God is God...or He isn't. Either I believe in Him during the rough times....or my belief is nothing at all.
I realized that the only reason He's been feeling silent to me - is that I was shutting Him out. I wasn't willing to listen.
Now that I've come to that conclusion - I find He's giving me peace....and a measure of acceptance.
Sorry to get off on my religious soapbox....but my faith is such a major part of who I am and what I am and what I believe.
Thanks for the encouraging words.....if I can somehow reach folks and get them to continue to take photos - to make memories of their rabbits NOW.....then it does help...it really does.
Peg
