Thank you for your kind words Nela.....I think a lot of it comes down to this...
When I first started breeding - I bought from a breeder who found it somewhat "easy" to cull rabbits. I remember falling in love with a rabbit who was reaching through the bars to play with my clothes and get my attention. She checked him and realized he had bad teeth - and when I asked - she basically stated (finally) that her husband was just going to take him out back and "put him down" ...I'm not stating it as graphically as she did cause it gave me nightmares for weeks.
At that point- I told Art that if it ever got to the point that I could talk about putting a rabbit down like that...or do as some breeders do and "cull" from the nestbox for type, etc - that I needed to get out of rabbits ASAP and he needed to make sure I do so.
Basically - I came to the point that I was going to "fight for life" no matter what.
Well - five years later - here I am - and to be honest with you - I am NOT fighting for the life of Nyx's litter. I also didn't fight for Cindy's two that possibly were peanuts and after the one fell out of her cage and got hurt - I didn't fight for it either.
Why not fight? For one thing - I am physically and emotionally exhausted when it comes to the rabbits. I have been through so much with them - I just can't take any more right now.
But also - I've seen the "results" now of fighting to save a life - for instance - Annie Oakley. I am convinced that there was something going on that is why she died at 6 months of age.
Yes - I had those 6 months with her - and yes - I had those few weeks with Cyrano (and they were priceless).
But I just can't take another loss like that right now - and Nyx's litter is so far behind the 8 ball as some folks would call it- that I just can't bring myself to fight a no-win battle. Its not worth it. I feel like it would be better to let them pass (and learn from the situation) than it is to try to hold on when all it does is kill me inside and extend the life of the babies by a few hours. If they were eating solids yet or if their mama was feeding them at all - I would try to save them. But I'm just not sure that formula feeding them totally is the best thing - especially with what I shared in my last post.
So I feel like I'm not being true to what I believe - but as Ali and I talked last night - she helped me realize that what I believed back then - has changed somewhat based upon what I have experienced. My eyes have been opened to a lot of things.
For example - (Sorry folks - difficult topic coming up) - if I have a litter born that is obviously wrong (Max Factor kits ) - I will cull them without thinking twice about it. (I will only cull the ones that are obviously Max Factor babies with the deformities, etc).
Five years ago - I might have tried to save them.
Anyway - part of me feels like I'm letting the rabbits down - but part of me says that I am doing what I can do....because it is what is the best thing in the long run.
I hope that explains some of my struggles.
In addition - when I look back on the last few weeks - it seems like since Calypso passed it has been one thing after another. First Calypso....then Annie (that still hurts a lot because she was SOOO loving) - then Montana who wasn't mine - but who I loved - and then some of our older bunnies I haven't shared about - like UB (Ugly Bunny) who was the last of Miss Bea's lines.....and Marcus...my first shaded herd buck who could always "get it done" if no one else could when it came to breeding.
Its been a lot to face - but I remind myself - I open myself up to this pain by choosing to have so many bunnies and by choosing to breed.
I thought breeding would be all sunshine, roses and full nestboxes.
HA HA HA.
Sometimes - life just happens and instead of standing there looking around me and crying, "WHY?" ..... I'm going to look around and say, "WHY NOT?"
Why do I think I SHOULD have it easy?
As I shared on my facebook status a few minutes ago - something I wrote in my Bible years ago...
God is more interested in our HOLINESS than He is our Happiness. We tend to get upset with Him because we are more interested in our Happiness than our Holiness.
All that has happened lately has driven me to my knees - to question God - to question what I believe and what I know...
and I've come to the conclusion that God is still God - He's still on the throne - He hasn't been telling me to "give up" but instead...to "stand firm".
At this point in time - as Lily is nudging me for pets while I type...I believe I am supposed to be breeding.
So I'm gonna take all this junk - learn from it what I can - and then "forget" it - to remove the pain and keep the lessons.
Its' all I can do.
