Jokes!

[JadeIcing]

This will be for off color and naughty jokes.

:biggrin2:

> > I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was
met with, "Hi! I'm
> > Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from
ear to ear, tilted
> > her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you
to do is step into
>this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn
slip on this
> > gown. Everything clearrrr?"
> >
> > I'm thinking, "Belinda . try decaf. This ain't
rocket science."
> >
> > Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors.
> >
> > Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this
machine. It takes a
> > perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size
38-LONG in less than 60
> > seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and
spice and everything
> > nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled
and twisted over a
> > cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop
back into shape.
> >
> > With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
(literally) to the
> > left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy
toes and lean in a
> > tad so we can get everything?"
> >
> > Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out
of air, so why not
> > use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck
an d finish me off?
> >
> > My body was in a holding pattern that defied
gravity (with my other
> > boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square
glass) when we
> > heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the
power went off!
> > "What?" I yelled.
> >
> > "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for
> > the door.
> >
> > "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise
alone, are you?" I
> > shouted.
> >
> > Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy
... the door's wide
> > open so you'll have the emergency hall lights.
I'll be righttttt
> > backkkk."
> >
> > Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And
that's exactly how
> > Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire,
found me, half-naked
> > and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and
the other part
> > smashed between glass! After exchanging polite
"Hi, how's it going"
> > type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to
my utter
> > disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
> >
> > Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as
much calmness as
> > possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
> >
> > "You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved
good-bye as though I'd
> > been standing in the line at the grocery store.
> >
> > Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a
sheepish grin and making
>
> > no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said.
"Oh I am soooo sorry!
> > The power came back on and I totally forgot about
you! And silly me, I
>
> > went to lunch. Are we upset?"
> >
> > And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head
ended up between the
> > clamps........

 

[JadeIcing]

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife’s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She’s a lawyer

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You’re in them

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

7. Good: You give the “birds and bees:” talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

8. Good: The postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It’s another man
Ugly: He’s your best friend

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

 

[JadeIcing]

Famous Last Words

Thomas Jefferson--still survives...
- John Adams, US President, d. July 4, 1826
(Actually, Jefferson had died earlier that same day.)

Is it not meningitis?
- Louisa M. Alcott, writer, d. 1888

Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him
by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
- Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789

Am I dying or is this my birthday?
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her
family around her bedside.
- Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964

I can't sleep.
- James M. Barrie, author, d. 1937

Is everybody happy? I want everybody to be happy. I know I'm happy.
- Ethel Barrymore, actress, d. June 18, 1959

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
- Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

Beautiful.
In reply to her husband who had asked how she felt.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, writer, d. June 28, 1861

Don't let poor Nelly (his mistress, Nell Gwynne) starve.
- Charles II, King of England and Scotland, d. 1685

I am dying. I haven't drunk champagne for a long time.
- Anton Pavlovich Chekhov, writer, d. July 1, 1904

**** it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.
- Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
- Richard Feynman, physicist, d. 1988

Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said
enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so
she could write them down for posterity.
- Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883

 

[JadeIcing]

My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It
soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so
his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel.



We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and
other necessary items. Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel,
each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies.



The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned
haughtily, "Matching luggage?"

 

[JadeIcing]

YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!
But I have a question, "why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No ****?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!" the bartender urged.
"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF!!!! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?'"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?'"..... POOF!!!

 

[JadeIcing]

---------------------------
How Much Would You Give?
> A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is
> moving north or south (never does). Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
> The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold
> up?"
> "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson,
> and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they
> are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going
> from car to car, taking up a collection."
> The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
> "About a gallon."

-----------
**To My Dear Wife,
> > ***
> **> **
> **> **
> **> You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
> being 54 years**
> **> old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
> you as a**
> **> good wife. Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not
> wrongly**
> **> interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
> 18-year-old* *
> **> secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset; I shall
> be back**
> **> home before midnight." **
> **> **
> **> **
> **> **
> **> When the man came home late that night he found the following
> letter on the**
> **> dining room table: **
> **> **
> **> "To My Dear Husband, **
> **> **
> **> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my
> being 54 years**
> **> old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
> are also 54**
> **> years old. As you know I am a math teacher at our local college. I
> would like**
> **> to inform you that while you read this I will be at the Hotel
> Fiesta with**
> **> Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
> coach. He is**
> **> young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
> successful**
> **> businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will
> understand that we**
> **> are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18
> goes into**
> **> 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.Therefore I will not be
> home until**
> **> sometime tomorrow."**

 

[JadeIcing]

> >The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
> >my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise" were my last
> >words.
> >
> >Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
> >
> >Around 3:00 am and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our
> >respective homes Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the
> >hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
> >
> >Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another
> >9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a
> >quick-witted solution to cover up my tardiness. (Even when totally
> >smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos....MIDNIGHT).
> >
> >The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
> >midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow and continued to read the morning
> >paper. Whew! Got away with that one!!
> >
> >Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."
> >
> >When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
> >three times, then said, "Oh, s**t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
> >throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then
> >tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[JadeIcing]

30 Ways to Cope With Stress.

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how
many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as
if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
27. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
28. Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get and have them bill you later.
29. Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
30. Do your assignments in binary code.

 

[JadeIcing]

Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at

a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked

the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not

able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.



"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't

it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure

it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I

don't think I can be much help."



At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over

his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked

at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third

Street through town, go past the university and turn right

on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires.

 

[JadeIcing]

"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"

"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."

"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"

"No"

"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"

"Bill Gates"

"Country?"

"The USA"

"Native language?"

"English"

"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"

"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."

"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"

"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."

"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"

"Yes"

"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"

"No"

"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"

"Yes"

"Any pies then?"

"No"

"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."

"Just a minute.." <several minutes pass> "Okay, I'm back."

"Did you get hit by another pie?"

"Of course not"

"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. <click>

 

[JadeIcing]

A New York lawyer runs a stop sign on his way to Florida and gets pulled
over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the
deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a
better education than any cop from ROUND ROCK. He decides to prove this
to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy: "License and registration, please."
Lawyer: "What for?"
Deputy "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer: "What's the difference?"
Deputy: "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's
the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy: "Sounds fair, exit your vehicle sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the lawyer.

Then the cop says

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

[JadeIcing]

A heartwarming story...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North Western University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

 

[JadeIcing]

A Canadian Apology:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

 

[JadeIcing]

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

 

[JadeIcing]

[align=right] [/align]
-------------
heres some Funny signs:

In the electricians: "if you pay your bill, we will be de-lighted. If you don't you will be"

In the plastic surgeons: "we'll help you pick your nose"

In the funeral directors parking lot: "Please drive carefully, we're happy to wait"

In the plumbers: "we repair what your husband fixed"

The vets "back in 5 mins. Sit. Stay!"

In the optimetrists "If you cant see what youre looking for youre in the right place"

In the muffler shop: "No appointment necessery, we heard you coming"

On the maternity hospital door "Push. Push. PUSH"

In an non smoking lounge "If you are smoking we will assume your on fire and take the appropriate action"

In the bowling alley "Quiet Please!- we need to hear a pin drop"
-------------

[align=right] [/align]
-----------------
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.

The husband was in a rather amourous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him for his password, he made it completely obvious to his wife that he was keying in..........

P... E.... N.... I.... S....

His wife fell off the chair laughing when the computer responded.....

***PASSWORD REJECTED..... NOT LONG ENOUGH***
----------------------------------
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

A rabbit walked into a butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "No."

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "No!"

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "NO! And if you ask me that one more time I'll nail you to the wall by your ears!"

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any nails?"

The butcher said, "No."

The rabbit said, "Got any cabbage?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Stun gun. ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION )*(&#(*)&*(#%)jld*(&#*#***!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-^@*!#... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

 

[JadeIcing]

-------------
Annoy People


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Pay tolls with $100 bills

2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot

3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it

4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two

5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April

6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons

7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.

8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines

9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom

10. Chew other people's pencils

11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

12. Wear large hats during the movies

13. Touch strangers

14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus

15. Bite your dentist's finger

16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads

19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems

20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa

21. Tell people they have bad breath

22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

23. Flirt with a friend's spouse

24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team

25. Shake with your left hand

26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.

27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

28. Drum on every available surface.

29. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

30. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

31. Honk and wave to strangers.

32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

41. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Annoy Cops


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

42. Say out loud when he/she approaches you "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"

43. Ask to see his gun.

44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

45. Say out loud "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!"

46. Slap his hand and say "Bad cop! No donut!"

47. When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot", and grin.

48. After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you.

49. Refer to him by his first name.

50. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

Annoy Your roomate


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

51. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

52. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

53. Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner.

54. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

55. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

56. Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor.

57. Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner.

58. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

59. Speak in tongues.

60. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

61. Walk and talk backwards.

62. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

63. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

64. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g."The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

65. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

66. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

67. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

68. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

69. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

70. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

71. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

72. Eat glass.

73. Smoke ballpoint pens.

74. Smile. All the time.

75. Collect dog **** in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

76. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

77. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

78. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

79. Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns.

80. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

81. Dye all your underwear lime green.

82. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

83. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

84. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

85. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

86. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

87. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

88. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

89. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

90. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

91. Shave one eyebrow.

92. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

93. Put horseradish in your shoes.

94. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

95. Always flush the toilet three times.

96. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

97. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

98. Give him/her an allowance.

99. Listen to radio static.

100. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

101. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.


Annoy your examiner during a Driver's Test


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

102. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

103. Beep your horn at everything.

104. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light

105. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"

106. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

107. Fill your car with beer bottles.

108. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

109. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

110. Swear at everybody on the road.

111. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

 

[JadeIcing]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their
family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is
this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to
keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under
the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you
crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would
not be able to take care of all three husbands, so
THAT'S why I said
'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women
------------

Three missionaries, Christian, Jewish and Buddihist, are captured by cannibals in the jungles of Africa. The head cheif comes up to them and says "You have a choice. You can choose death or you can meet The Aristrocrats."

The Jewish missonarie says "Well I do believe in another world after this, but I do not feel I have finsihed my work here so I will meet The Aristocrats."

With that 14 of the biggest native men come out and start to sexually assault him. They toss him around and brutally rape him and leave him twitching on the ground with blood, sweat and native spermatozoa all over him.
The chief goes up to the Christian missionarie.
"Same thing?" he says
"Yes," the chief says, "you can choose death or meet The Aristocrats"
"Well, I too believe in an afterlife but I feel that I could do my congregation more by staying alive and I see by the man over there that i would still be alive so I will choose The Aristocrats.
"All right" Once again the native men come out and proceed to leave the missionary in a worse shape than the Jewish fella.
Finally, the chief asks the Buddisht his choice. Buddisht says, "I believe that whens its out time to die, its our time to die. so I will choose death."

Cheif says, "All right, death it is but first...The Aristocrats!"
----------------

Man walks up to a table where two priests are having lunch and tells them;
"I saw the two of you sitting here and I didnt know whether to send a bottle of wine or a Cub Scout."
-----------

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006

> SMART ASS ANSWER #6

> It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

> "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

> "What are my choices?" John asked.

> "Yes or no," she replied.

> SMART ASS ANSWER #5

> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

> As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

> SMART ASS ANSWER #4

> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

> She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

> The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

> SMART ASS ANSWER #3

> The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

> "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

> The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

> When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

> SMART ASS ANSWER #2

> A truck driver was driving along on the f reeway. A sign comes up that

> reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

> Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

> SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

> I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

 

[Pipp]

LOL!! I guess I'm not getting notifications for this forum, I was just coming in here to ask where the dirty jokes were!!

:hyper:

 

[JadeIcing]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
>
> To those of us who have children in our lives,
> whether they are our own,
> grandchildren,
> nieces,
> nephews,
> or students...
> here is something to make you chuckle.
>
> Whenever your children are out of control,
> you can take comfort from the thought that
> even God's omnipotence did not extend
> to His own children.
>
> After creating heaven and earth,
> God created Adam and Eve.
>
> And the first thing he said was
> "DON'T ! ">
>
> "Don't what ? "
> Adam replied.>
>
> "Don't eat the forbidden fruit ."
> God said.>
>
> "Forbidden fruit ?
> We have forbidden fruit?
> Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit !">
>
> "No Way ! "
>
> "Yes way !"
>
> "Do NOT eat the fruit! "
> said God.
>
> "Why ? "
>
>> "Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
>
> God replied,
> wondering why He hadn't stopped
> creation after making the elephants.
>
> A few minutes later,
> God saw His children having an apple break
> and He was ticked !
>
> "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
> God asked.>
>
> "Uh huh,"
> Adam replied.
>
> "Then why did you ? "
> said the Father.
>
> "I don't know,"
> said Eve.
>
>
> "She started it! "
> Adam said.
>
> "Did not ! "
>
> "Did too! "
>>
> "DID NOT ! "
>
> Having had it with the two of them,
> God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
> should have children of their own.
>
> Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed
>
> BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
>
> If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
>they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
>
> If God had trouble raising children,
> what makes you think it would be
> a piece of cake for you?
>
>
> THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
>
> 1. You spend the first two years of their life
> teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
> the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
>
>
> 2. Grandchildren are God's reward
> for not killing your own children.
>
> 3. Mothers of teens now know why
> some animals eat their young.
>
> 4. Children seldom misquote you.
>
> In fact, they usually repeat word for word
> what you shouldn't have said.
>
> 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
> is to remind yourself that there are children
> more awful than your own.
>
> 6. We childproofed our homes,
> but they are still getting in.
>
> ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
>
> Be nice to your kids.
> They will choose your
> nursing home one day.
>
> AND FINALLY:
>
> IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
> AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
> DO WHAT IT SAYS
> ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
>
>
>
>
> "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
> AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!! !!
--------------------
Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day..
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.
-------------------

 

[JadeIcing]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant , she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer . The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
----------------------------

The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy.

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"
Signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it
is
not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and
Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon,
Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai
food.
14. In winter,you go to work in the dark and come home in the
dark-while
only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,"
and
"Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of
mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see
through the cloud cover.
20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you
can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50,but
still wear your hiking boots and parka.
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the
socks
on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old
ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still
Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season
(Fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them!
---------------
A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton useshis all the time.

Bush is one

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )










The answer is: "A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?
-------------

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.


"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
------------
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

The minister fainted.
---------------------------

If you are easily offended don't read it.

I'm warning you, this is very very un PC.... still reading? Ok then.. you were warned.

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments? " And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So God went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments. "

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shall not steal."

"Not Steal? We're not interested."

Then God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments. "

The French too wanted an example and the

Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

So God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments. "

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

"Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

Finally, God went to the Jews and spoke to Moses and said, "I have Commandments. "

"Commandments? "

They said, "How much are they?"

"They are free."

"We'll take ten."