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I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I
gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to
her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her
the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated
and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the
money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.


I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free
sandwiches and I walked out the door.
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said, "Where?"
...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that
stuff."
...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to
end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
...............They Walk Among Us!

My friend has a lifesaving tool in his car designed to cut through a
seat belt if he gets trapped. He keeps it in the trunk.
...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
...............They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane
arrived yet?"
...............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to
eat 6 pieces."
..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF
ALL...................................they VOTE!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"True Friendship"

(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)

Are you tired of those
sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually
come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually
speak of true friendship.

1 When you are sad --
I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who
made you that way.

2. When you are blue
-- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile
-- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared
-- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried
-- I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused
-- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick
-- Stay the heck away from me until you are well again. I don't
want to catch whatever you have.

8. When you fall
-- I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.

9. This is my oath.....
I pledge it to the
end. "Why?" you may ask."because you are my friend"

Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth.

Send this to "all 10"
of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of Four!
(don't send it back to me....I don't want to hear it!!!)

And remember.. . When life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and
call me over !!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More Things To Ponder

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated
instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny
for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good
idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to
look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for
Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked
anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these
dangly things here and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell
you to
smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license,
are you
going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on "Gilligan's Island" can make a radio out of a
coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what
is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same
tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but
when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

------------------------------------------------------------

1) Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2) When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3) A penny saved is a government oversight.

4) The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

5) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

6) The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

7) He who hesitates is probably right.

8) Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

9) If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

10) If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

11) The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

12) There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt

13) Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

"Be who you are and say what you feel 'cause people who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind."

-Dr. Seuss
----------------------------------------
 




1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7.. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.






---------------------------------
Tech Support Calls

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm
sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On
page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to
unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator:
"I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."

RAC (UK) Motoring Services

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar
in Cardiff please." Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the
spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish
Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on
the label: Woven in Scotland."

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on."

Computer Capers Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-
up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what
you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to
write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my
screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I have
my
file back again?"
---------------------------------------
DOG'S LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one
another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
old story?

Dear God: Excuse me but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not one
named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a
nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be
easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle to the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is
the beagle across the street!

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we
can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing again?

Dear God: Can you undo what the doctor did...?

CAT'S LETTER TO GOD

Dear God: Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't care.
-----------------------------------------
From Bizarre News...

+-------------- Bizarre Presidential Facts ----------------+

Herbert Hoover and his wife both spoke fluent Chinese.
Hoover was also the first president to have a telephone on
his desk in the White House.

When Calvin Coolidge was being driven in a car, he would
always insist that the driver didn't exceed sixteen miles
per hour.

George Washington had wooden false teeth.

James Garfield could write in Greek with one hand while
simultaneously writing in Latin with the other.

Jimmy Carter developed the knack of speed reading and was
once tested and found to have 95 percent comprehension at a
reading rate of 2,000 words a minute.

When he was young, Rutherford Hayes suffered from a strange
phobia: the fear of going insane.

Franklin D. Roosevelt's mother dressed him exclusively in
girl's clothing until the age of five.

John Quincy Adams used to take a swim in the Potomac River
every morning - naked.

Zachary Taylor moved around the country so much that he
never managed to register to vote. Consequently, the first
time he voted, he was sixty-two years old.

George Bush, a chubby toddler, was nicknamed "Fatty McGee
McGaw" by his father.

[From "That Book of Perfectly Useless Information]
-------------------------------------
*The Ant and the Grasshopper: 2 Scenarios

*OLD VERSION*:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

*MODERN VERSION:*
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others
are
cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food. **America** is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody
cries when they sing, "its Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where
the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse
then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper' s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that
the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call
for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for
failing
to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing
left to
pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a
panel of
federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent
welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens
to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't
maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grass hopper is
found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is
taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful
neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be _very_ _very_ careful how you vote. *
---------------------------
A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
---------------
 
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.

Dear Dogs, Cats and Rabbits:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack, nor is the
area behind the couch. Beating me to the bottom of the steps is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help either because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs, cats and bunnies can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.


It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, scratch, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine, feline or lapine
attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other critter's butt or eat
your fecal pellets. The bunny poop or cat litter box is not a snack for the
dog. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it "fur"niture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: My pets are better than your kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3 Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...

11. It's perfectly legal to ensure that they never reproduce!
-----------------------------------------
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm
for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men CAN still think fast.
 
******** Grandparents (this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young Pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with
Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa
got ******** and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and
have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their
bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all
jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.
They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing
every night---early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man
in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the
wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be ******** someday too. When I
earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will
let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
--------------------------------

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "**** tails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky ****s and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
-----------------------------------------------
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"
-------------------------
KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan,
3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
------------------------------------------
A CARDIOLOGISTS FUNERAL
>
>
>A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart
>covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
>
>Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
>
>The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
>
>
>At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
>stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
>funeral.... ....I'm a gynecologist. "
>
>The proctologist fainted.
-------------------------------------------
When I picked up my wife from work one afternoon, she seemed

irritated. She confessed that the day hadn't gone well, and

on top of everything else, a young customer had addressed her

as "ma'am."

"I'm not that old," she insisted. "I deserve more respect!"

She vented the whole way home while hitting the scan button

on the radio.

Finally I asked, "What are you looking for?"

She replied, "The oldies station."
---------------------------------------------

Having bought a brand new BMW, a man was taking it through its paces on a deserted highway. He had just gotten the car up to 100, when red and blue flashing lights came on behind him. The man thought to himself "I'm in a Beamer. I can get away from this!" and floored the gas. A few seconds later, the came to his senses, and pulled over.

Coming over to his window, the officer said, "Look, I appreciate that you pulled over, and seeing as how it's the end of the day and I don't want to file a bunch of paperwork, if you can give me a good reason why you took off like you did, I'll let you go with a warning."

The man thought for a second, and replied "My wife left me for a police officer last week. I was afraid you were trying to bring her back."

Laughing, the officer replied, "Have a good evening, sir."
----------------------------------
***** Sightings!!!! Be careful, be v-e-r-y careful....

***** SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The
Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not
have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and
said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2
horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4
horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO,
it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

_____________________________________________________________________

***** SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many
deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place
for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS
______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a
Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City !

______________________________________________________

***** SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge,
how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

_____________________________________________________

***** SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled,

she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
_______________________________________________________


***** SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:
She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another
word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a brunch at Texas Instruments.

________________________________________________________


***** SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand

why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County
Sheriffs office no less.

________________________________________________________

***** SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealer-ship to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked
in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
-----------------------

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having *** tonight either.
 
I just got home.

Pipp wrote:
LOL!! I guess I'm not getting notifications for this forum, I was just coming in here to ask where the dirty jokes were!!

:hyper:
 
Um...I think Ali's been waiting to inundate ya'll with those...

Thankfully, I've read most of them from emails she sent me...hehe!! :D
 
*jumps up and down*

YES!!!!!
 
OK, so these aren't really jokes, but still fun...


Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 


I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I

gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to

her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her

the money back.



She became indignant and informed me shewas educated

and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her

the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the$46.64.



They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a

sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little

chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free."

"They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both


free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.



They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of

them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"



Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"



...............They Walk Among Us!



While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which

direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun

waking him up every morning.



She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"



When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for

sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."





...............They Walk Among Us!!



I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.



One day I got a call from an individual who asked whathours the call center was
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."


He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"



Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."





...............They Walk AmongUs!



My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a

seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.





.They Walk AmongUs!



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a

big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20%discount.




...............They Walk AmongUs!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airportbaggage area, so I went to

the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never

showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry becauseshe was a

trained professional and I was in good hands.


"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"





...............They Walk Among Us!



While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza

to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook askedhim if he would like

it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.

"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."



..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!




They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce,and WORST OF

ALL..................................they VOTE too!
 
It all started when Gavin Edwards stood tall in his second
grade chorus and belted out "Life's a butter dream" for
the last line of "Row, Row, Row." "That episode planted a
seed," says the still-mortified Edwards, "and ever since,
I've been collecting examples of misheard lyrics."

Edwards, an editor at _Details_, has compiled the funniest
examples in his book, "'Scuse Me, While I Kiss This Guy."
Along with the usual mangling of Credence Clearwater
Revival ("There's a bathroom on the right" versus "There's
a bad moon on the rise"), the author cites a surprising number
of food references, as in this sampling from the almost 300
garbled song lines gathered.


From Irene Cara's "Flashdance... What a Feeling"...
Wrong Lyric: "Take your pants down and make it happen"
Right Lyric: "Take your passion and make it happen"

From the Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"...
Wrong Lyric: "The girl with colitis goes by"
Right Lyric: "The girl with kaleidoscope eyes"

From Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind"...
Wrong Lyric: "The ants are my friends/They're blowin' in
the wind"
Right Lyric: "The answer, my friends/Is blowin' in the wind"

From David Bowie's "Space Oddity"...
Wrong Lyric: "Clown control to Mao Tse-Tung"
Right Lyric: "Ground control to Major Tom"

From Simon & Garfunkel's "I Am a Rock"...
Wrong Lyric: "I am a rock, I am an onion"
Right Lyric: "I am a rock, I am an island"

From John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John's "You're
the One That I Want"
Wrong Lyric: "I got shoes, they're made of plywood"
Right Lyric: "I got chills, they're multiplying"

From Crystal Gayle's "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue"
Wrong Lyric: "Doughnuts make my brown eyes blue"
Right Lyric: "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue"

From Bachman-Turner Overdrive's "Takin' Care of Business"
Wrong Lyric: "Baking carrot biscuits"
Right Lyric: "Takin' care of business"

From Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey"...
Wrong Lyric: "Jacques the monkey"
Right Lyric: "Shock the monkey"

From Madonna's "La Isla Bonita"...
Wrong Lyric: "Last night I dreamt of some bagels"
Right Lyric: "Last night I dreamt of San Pedro"

From Pearl Jam's "Glorified G"...
Wrong Lyric: "Glorified version of a pelican"
Right Lyric: "Glorified version of a pellet gun"
 
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Darn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! Hey!...by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."
 
*_Two Nuns_*

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the
nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. 'Who
is it?' calls one of the nuns.

'Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door. The
two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no
harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

'Nice ****s,' says the man. 'Where do you want the blinds?
 
A Dieter's Prayer

Lord, my soul is ripped with riot,
Incited by my wicked diet.
"We are what we eat," said a wise old man.
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain,
But at my present weight I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot curls be sated,
That my soul may be polyunsaturated.
And show me the light that I may bear witness
To the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And oleo margarine I'll never mutter
For the road-to-hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed, and cake is awful,
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone,
The devil is in each slice of bologna.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop
And Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day, my daily slice
But cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
Deliver me from Jujubes.

And when my days of trial are done
And my war with malted milks is won,
Let me stand with the saints in Heaven
In a shining robe, size thirty-seven!

I can do it, Lord, if you'll show to me
The virtues of lettuce and celery.
If you'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise
The sinfulness of hollandaise,

And pasta Milanese
And potatoes a la Lyonnaise,
And crisp fried chicken from the south.
Lord, if you love me, SHUT MY MOUTH!
 
Three Hillbilliesare sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity! '

2nd Hillbillysays: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.
 
Some are ok for the forum some not. So I post here.
 
What's in a name?
Sat Nov17,2007 10:15pm (PST)

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives
paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year. Timothy was born in
Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their
senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood
early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged
that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was
swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present
Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less
time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the Chimney and the
world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant
and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected
Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all
of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that
shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them
in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and
rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could
not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called
Pope Secola."

 
Special Thanksgiving humor for those of us in the U.S. Happy
Thanksgiving!

A Redneck Thanksgiving
For Thanksgiving, we've invited all our immediate relatives for
lunch, and we're looking forward to it. I'm tellin' you, this
trailer's gonna be wall-to-wall relatives. I can jes hear 'em now:

"Is Daddy gonna eat with us, or is he gonna sit in the car and drink
all day?"

"Why's my kid always got to drink out of the jelly glasses?
Marvene's kids never does!"

"What time does Jerry Springer come on here? Y'all still got the
cable spliced in here, ain'tcha?

"Would you just look at that? I always try to give MY guests a plate
that ain't cracked or chipped."

"Do you mind if we eat in front of the TV? They's a Black and Decker
infomercial I just don't wanna miss."

"Oh, don't you never mind about thaaaaat. You just go ahead and serve
it anyway. Don't worry -- they'll eat it!" They don't expect it to be
as good as MY cornbread anyway. Not everybody can cook cornbread as
good as I can.

"Momma, do I haaaave to eat her cookin? You said yo'se'f you hated it."

"You chi'ren stop playing on that sheet metal out thar!"

"I'd just LUV for y'all to come to Christmas dinner at my house, but
Pauly says he ain't gone stay with me any more after this week, and I
jes don't think I can buy all them groceries by my own self."

"If you wuz to put as much attention to them kids as you do to your
guns, they wouldn't be sent home from school every other day with
head lice."

"Maury's gonna move over to Mr. Mica's garage, where they's an
opening on the grease rack. He says they ain't no future as a
painter's helper, and we expecting our fifth young'un this spring.
No, it don't show much right now, but I know I'm P.G., 'cause I gotta
a lotta gas. I always get a lotta gas when I'm carrying. Is they
any more sweet tater rounds?"

"Can anybody tell me why John is puttin gravy on his beans? Is they
sumpin wrong with the BEANS, John?"
 
My New Parrot
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every
word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I
could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put
him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct
my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
 
1. The best way to get even is to forget.

2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight.

5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be
maintained on earth.

6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then
perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!

7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.

8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get
knocked down by the traffic from both directions.

9. Words are windows to the heart.

10. A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the
wall, claims it's a forgery.

11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill - just
add a little dirt.

12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's
being the right person.

13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.

14. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

15. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover that
the prisoner was you.

16. You have to wonder about some humans, they think God is dead
and Elvis is alive!

17. It's all right to sit on your "pity pot" every now and again.
Just be sure to flush when you're done.

18. Remember, a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its
neck.

19. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you
can bet the water bill is higher too.
 
Not to steal Ali's thread - but would this be "ok" to post in the off-topic area or is it too adult?

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgFIZOkIC9o]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgFIZOkIC9o[/ame]

Eric sent me this - he's using this song in his "pre-show" for the plays he's directing next weekend....I died laughing but I'm not sure if this is too "adult".

Peg

P.S. He's only using this song - he doesn't know these people...
 

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