Flash's Place

[Becca]

Flashy wrote:

I really didn't think anyone other than possibly Polly would be interested/reply. You're all beingvery nice. Thanks

W..wh..haat about me :bigtears:


:whistling

I love your blog Tracy :bunny24

Your bunnies are gorgeous!!

 

[Flashy]

So today I did the first shift of rabbits for their Droncit injections. I took hte inside lot (Sky, Badger, Star, Sandy and the Swarming) and much to my surprise Sky and Hope (two buns that don't cope so well with stuff like that) were the least phased and came home to stuff their face. The others just sat huddled in their cages in the corner for a while until they settled.

Their weights have not changed much since July, which is great.

Sky 1.75kg (down 0.05kg)

Sandy 1.5kg (same)

Badger 1.5kg (same)

Star 1.4kg (up 0.1kg)

Dawn 1.3kg (up 0.1 kg)

Sunny 1.4kg (same)

Hope 1.3kg (down 0.1kg)

I struggle most with keeping their weights constant. They get the same amount of food, but it's something I often struggle with. Seems like things in this department are pretty settled though, although I knwo for sure Candyfloss has grown to the size of a small house, so the next batch will be interesting.


(Edited Hope's weight, I got it wrong!, he does not weight 0.3kg )

 

[mouse_chalk]

YAY! I am SO glad you started a blog!! And I am so glad you're back as well- your presence has definately been missed around here. :hug:



Also, I LOVE Badger! I just love his cheeky little face! And I love the picture of Star with his paw in his mouth? Looks very Austin Powers lol (for the life of me can't remember the evil guy I'm thinking of!)

Shoot, I love all your bunnies.... can I have them? Pleeeeeease? :biggrin2:

I hope the tapeworm gets sorted soon.... that sounds like a horrible thing to have to deal with.... and taking all 17 buns to the vets- that's no mean feat! Good luck with it all :hug:

 

[BlueGiants]

Whee! Flashy kids! Thanks for sharing the photo's! So pleased you started a new blog! You have so much to offer!

UGH! Tapeworms in rabbits! Yuck. You have been through so much with the buns!

 

[Flashy]

I have debated long and hard about posting this, and have discussed it heavily with a senior mod, and she helped me edit it a bit and move it around. It's very honest, and not fun reading, so only read it if you are prepared.

I’m not sure how to start this, but I want to talk about Flash.

We are coming up to the time of year I spent most of the year wishing it wouldn’t come; the anniversary of Flash’s death. This year it will be three years.

Three years is a long time, and I have grieved hard, and am still grieving hard.

I used to be someone who loved Crhistmas. My decorations would go up at the end of November, my room/house would look like a ‘grotto’ (according to those who saw it). Christmas is no longer about that for me anymore because it is just a time when I lost my best friend. Deep inside me I still love Christmas and each year find myself getting Christmassy in October and do all my shopping then. That’s my only way to enjoy it.

This is going to be very candid, and is about what happened to me after Flash and also when I had him, and mentions sensitive stuff. I have not ever really properly opened up about any of this, but right now for me it is very relevant because of the time of year, and the fact that soon I want to share my special boy with you all.

Flash came into my life when I really needed someone. My mental health was deteriorating severely and I was barely coping. Flash came to me at a time when I was in and out of hospital, when life was very dire for me. He was the first ever being to be there. Most people, even now, expect me to be a source of support, or the life and soul of any party, loud, gobby, funny, a general extrovert, when actually, inside, that’s not really how I feel, it’s a front for the world, I’m depressed, anxious, scared and many other things my outward persona does not portray. Flash was the first being to not care if I was laughing, crying, suicidal, playing, cuddling, bored, sleeping, he was there no matter what. He wanted nothing in return, other than for me to look after him, and he gave himself to me completely. He was an active guy yet was never very far from me. If I was crying or being ‘stupid’ he would be there. He was so in tune with my moods he knew what I needed better than me. I had a horrific summer that year, I was reported missing, had police searching for me, landed myself in hospital more times than I can count and each time, he was still there, still loved me, didn’t shout, didn’t cry, just there, as my friend.

When he died, things got worse. Within the space of a few weeks of his death I lost my house, my job, my therapist, my best human friend, my doctor, and any shred of hope or want to live. I gave up. I got very severely ill and was sectioned. At the point of sectioning I had done myself so much damage my heart was giving up and I was genuinely happy and proud of myself for being so close to death. The doctors said I should have been dead, and they couldn’t understand how I wasn’t. After they released me off my section I was no better mentally and headed straight down again. That year I planned to take my life on the anniversary of his death, but I couldn’t do it. My family have gone through so much and Christmas is not the right time to do that. I carried on, day to day, worming my way closer to death. Then Moon died. Moon, one of the two buns that got me through Flash’s death, Flash’s daughter, and she died due to my absolute stupidity and that of the vets. I went for it in an even greater way then. The doctors, once again, told me I should be dead, and should be, at the very least, unconscious. I refused to be sectioned this time, so just had whatever treatment I needed (physically).

Shortly after that, I found RO, and started to REALLY learn. And boy did I learn. Shortly after I was blessed with 7 Dinkies (Angel, Star, Sunny, Lightning, Hope, Dusk and Dawn), and that took our total at the time up to 15. I am not well enough to work, and taking care of my buns is my reason to get up, and more buns I have, the more responsibility I have, and the less I can die. No one in my house has enough time, or want, to look after them to a good enough standard. If I die now I either have to take them with me, which they don’t deserve, or they go to be rehomed, which they don’t deserve either. They deserve a life here, a lovely life here, and I give them that.

I have two parts to me now. I have this part that will probably always grieve for Flash, that will always plan to take my life on his date, that will always blame me for him dying, and I have this other part. This other part is me. I don’t want to grieve for him anymore. I don’t want to cry over him. I want to remember him and laugh, remember the things he did, not suffer from flashbacks or anything.

The other night I had a dream about him. I can’t remember it all, but the general gist was that it was real time (as in I hadn’t seen him for nearly 3 years), and he still felt the same as before and acted the same as before, which really surprised me. When I was holding him I knew he had been there all the time, and whilst I had been looking after him, I didn’t know it and hadn’t seen him, and was only seeing him for the first time in a long time that day. It was very much the clichéd thing that he is still here even though he has gone. I woke up that morning feeling quite peaceful because I knew that even though I hadn’t seen him, he was still there and would keep showing himself to me every so often (he has done this all the way through).

It was after that that I felt able to face his videos; those we took of him. I have not looked at these videos for three years, and had no inclination to, but this week I have spent ages getting them all only disc so that I can introduce him to you all, as he was in his original form, the games, the expressions, the love, the lot.

He’s always in my mind at the moment.

Peg made a post on one of Becca’s threads about looking for something by getting new buns, and it made me think. I have so many, is that what I do? And it’s not. It’s the opposite. Me and Flash were joined, one entity, and I never ever want to go through what I went through with losing someone that was such a deep part of me. When he died, I leaned on Sky and Moon, and when Moon died I broke all over again (although I was only ever fragile with how fixed I was). Now I have a whole clutch, and with the exception of Sky, I could cope without them all. Yes, I would be sad, but I would not be as desolate as I was without Flash. The more bunnies I have, the less pain I will feel when they eventually leave me.

When Moon died I switched off. At the best of times my illness prevents me from feeling emotions like a regular person, but now I barely feel them at all. I stopped loving because it hurt too much. I have stayed that way, although every now and then I get a rush of affection for somebunny, but it hurts less now, things hurt less, and that’s what I need. I never ever want to go through what I did with Flash, again.

My rabbits are my reason to live, and the more I have, the more reasons I have to live. That’s another reason why I have so many. That’s not to say I’m not suicidal, because part of me is, but that is part of me that is caused largely by my illness (I call it ‘my brain’ and it is due to dissociation, which means I lose the conscious power of thought and the subconscious takes over), I, as a person, am not, because I have a lot to keep me here, even if I don’t want to be all the time. Once again my brain has tried to tell me to take my life again this Christmas, but I also know that I can’t, even though last year I came close. I know that I can make a difference in this world. And why can I make a difference? Because of what Flash and Moon went through. I have learnt so much due to what they went through. I’m still seriously ill, but I can still do good things, make a difference, help bunnies, educate people, and I do.

I volunteer a lot with the RSPCA now. I do home visits for anyone wanting to adopt a bun, I have written an adoption pack (with articles about how to bond bunnies, litter train, weather proof, rabbit proof, etc), I foster (as you have seen), I train people up so they know what to look for with buns (including other volunteers, as well as RSPCA staff), I have bonded people’s buns when they couldn’t do it themselves and even more.

I’m moving forward, and I don’t want to grieve for Flash anymore. I want to remember him full of life. I want to share him with people. I want people to see why it is I want a part of him with me all the time, why I want his genes carried on, why he meant so much to me, why he was so very special.

Sorry for all that, it’s just here in my head because Flash is so predominant for me at the moment and because as December draws nearer I lose the limited capabilities I have for rational thought.

Flash died aged 9 months 15 days. He lived with me for 7 months 19 days. In that short time he changed my life, and right now, his legacy is living on, and allowing me to change the lives of other buns, find them homes, educate them, help them, make other buns happy. One day I want Flash's legacy to be more real and to have a real 'Flash's Place' for needy buns (like Tilly, like Summer). All because of one little guy. He was the butterfly fluttering on one side of a world, creating a tsunami over the other side of the world. His life has made waves and will keep making them, for as long as any bun influenced by his life, is alive.

My Angel I'm so proud of him, and so very blessed to have had him, and am now very blessed to have his relatives living here, and so happy.

 

[NorthernAutumn]

:hug: That was good of you to share that with us, Tracy.
I appreciate how deeply you feel about Flashy. I am glad he was with you when you needed him most.

"Flash died aged 9 months 15 days. He lived with me for 7 months 19 days. In that short time he changed my life, and right now, his legacy is living on, and allowing me to change the lives of other buns, find them homes, educate them, help them, make other buns happy. One day I want Flash's legacy to be more real and to have a real 'Flash's Place' for needy buns (like Tilly, like Summer). All because of one little guy. He was the butterfly fluttering on one side of a world, creating a tsunami over the other side of the world. His life has made waves and will keep making them, for as long as any bun influenced by his life, is alive."

I hope that you see that your hard work with buns is changing their lives for the better, and maybe even giving someone else their own little Flashy who will get them through their darkest nights (like he did with you).

I am happy you are getting better, mentally and emotionally.We need a live Tracy, full of knowledge, ironic bunny jokes, and wisdom here on RO, and in the real world. You are a very special gift to Bunnies; you are the best friend any bunny could have.
If my mom were writing, she would say: "Tracy, your future was written in the stars the day you were born. Embrace it, and go forward, carrying the good memories of the past." You are doing just that with all of your good work

Mind you, us peoples really like you too, Tracy:nod. I am so glad that you were able to help Becca through the kindling, on the other side of the world from most ppl on RO. I don't know what would have happened if it wasn't for your cool head, and willingness to help... It makes me feel happy to know that there is someone (you!) far off in Britain who is doing her best for rabbits. I may never meet you, but the fact that you are there makes me happy; kinda like knowing that panda bears exist (just makes me feel good )

 

[MissBinky]

You know Tracy, we had a falling out a bit ago, but that's what it was at the most. The whole time you were away, I missed you. I never got around... No, not true. I never got over being a coward to actually come up to talk to you since you've come back and tell you how much I appreciated the advice you had given me back then. We are two different people, and no, I don't know you, so I won't even pretend to know anything about you really. However, to a certain extent,I understand what it feels like when everyday is a struggle. I know how it is to have to fight yourself and that it's a battle that takes more strength than anyone can understand. Anyway, I guess what I wanted to say is, you're wrong to think that you'd go unnoticed whether present or absent. We notice. I've noticed. And you were missed. I'm glad you came back. And though nothing can bring Flash back, you're honouring him everyday by doing what you do. And if you were to stop, there'd be a heck of a lot of buns mourning.

 

[Flashy]

Thank you for the replies It's hard to say some of those things, but equally, it's part of his story, a very large part.

Autumn, thank you for the lovely reply. I must admit, some of it made me laugh, not in a nasty way, but like the bit about the panda, that tickled me, but I understand what you mean, not sure why that is the case, but I can see that you mean what you say

I have to be honest MissBinky, I have absolutely no recollection of that at all, and I am very accurate when I remember 'issues' like that, so all I can guess from that is that that is yet another time when I was having a blank of time and it was not actually me, it was, what I call 'my brain', which basically takes over as and when it feels like it.

In terms of people not missing me, it wouldn't matter a great deal to anyone really on here (with the possible exception of Polly) because when I'm not around, I don't talk to anyone from here, so it's not like it would be any different from that. Polly was the only person I kept speaking to whilst not here. That's not like a wallowy thing, just a fact, because, at the end of the day this is the internet and the internet often works on an 'in sight in mind' theory.

 

[TinysMom]

Flashy - I'm just now reading what you wrote a bit ago - and I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks. I wish you were here so we could have some tea (or tequila or something) - and just cry together over our losses.

I can understand a bit of your pain and loss - but honestly - not much.

When we got Tiny & Tio & Kyo - I had basically been almost "nonfunctional" for months. I would make supper and do dishes and laundry...but I was like a robot....moving about doing things but I had no heart or soul. To say I was in a depression was a major understatement.

The rabbits brought me out of myself. I could spend laying on the floor (even napping) and let them get used to me as a jungle gym...and just be this zombified person who didn't handle life. Truly - there were many times I wanted to just die...but was too afraid to try anything.

Tiny and the tweebs healed me....I swear they did. I loved them - and I loved Ginger and Sugar - but when we got Puck...its like our family started healing and laughing together. I started becoming functional...

When Ginger died - I literally went back to my non-functional state. Looking back now, I can see where Tiny tried to pull me out of it - but I didn't want to be pulled out...I didn't want to face life without her. For the last few months of her life...she'd needed me hours every day - to feed her - give her little baths with a damp washcloth - love on her - etc.

As I pulled out of it though - Tiny and I bonded....and I started feeling good about myself and about life.

When I lost Tiny- I truly came very close to giving up. In fact, three times I almost tried...and three times I was interrupted by someone. (Finally I gave up and threw the pills away).

I say all this to say - in some small measure - I have walked in your shoes. I have also lost....and I can understand some of the pain. To be honest wtih you - I think sometimes the pain is still there - chasing after me - but I try to not give in.

I understand how having more bunnies keeps it from hurting so bad. Sometimes when we've lost a bunny lately - I've been so numb that I try to shrug it off and move on. I can't continue to hurt this bad...I just can't. I think the human body can only take so much.

So why am I sharing this here - on your thread? Am I trying to hijack it?

Not at all....nor am I trying to minimize what you've gone through and what you've experienced.

I simply want to say - that while our experiences have been different - in some areas - they have parts of "sameness" ....and I am here for you.

We've walked different paths - but at times I think they've been parallel. Sometimes I'm strong - many many times - I'm weak.

But I'm here and I care about you....and I want you to know it.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of Flash...of seeing how special he was.

By the way - I actually came in here - to ask you if you'd post the picture of showing the rabbit how to breed.....I love that photo!

Thanks for sharing what you wrote - it really made me cry -but in a way they were tears of healing and surrender...of the hope that I too will continue to heal from the pain of Tiny's passing.

I've always felt like Tiny was the only one who loved me unconditionally....and he loved me and was loving even when I was hateful.

Isn't it wonderful how loving rabbits can be?

 

[NZminilops]

I need my glasses before I attempt to read the new long posts in here (I have double vision so have trouble with long blocks of writing), but just wanted to say your buns are much bigger than I imagined. Sakura is around 1.2kg and I thought she was a little large haha! I guess she's really sort of puny .

You've got a sharp memory, I don't even remember writing about having worms on here. It was very gross and at the time I didn't know about worms, I thought I had some weird aliens in me, and that I was dying. Took me days to tell my mum. I did lose weight too but it was all from water the doctor said at the time.

I did skim your posts and I know what you mean about the out of sight, out of mind thing, as I'm sure if I disapeared off here nobody would notice. But some people you do think of and remember even if you never seemed to take much notice of them when they were around. I'm glad that you and Polly have a good friendship going on though, it's great when people can come together with a common love for something and form friendships from it.

 

[Flashy]

Peg, I'm so glad you got rid of those pills. It is SO hard to die from an overdose, normally all that happens is that you feel vile and are sick, or you might end up with liver/kidney/heart damage depending on the tablets, and you might die a very slow and painful death. I'm just very glad you didn't do it the only way to go through grief, as you probably now know, is one moment at a time (be that a week, day, hour, minute) and deal with that.

Puck sounds like an amazing guy, and then to lose the bun who supported you through those times (Tiny) is a double blow, the whole 'kick you when you're down thing' and that can suck so bad. I sort of want to say that I hope things are feeling better for you, but I also know that really, its a relatively short time since you lost them and it probably doesn't feel better, just comes and goes.

You do know that if you ever want a chat I'm always happy to listen right? I hope you do know that because I'd hate to think that you didn't.

Michelle, you don't have to read the essay, lol, that's ok.

Flash was a throw back and was bigger than a nethie, plus racey too, and so his offspring have ended up bigger, plus we used big does too. Sakura is big for a nethie, but then mine are giants compared to what theirgenes say they should be More bunny to love!

Yeh, I read that thread over and over (about pinworms) so it stuck in my brain, and this is the thread http://www.rabbitsonline.net/view_topic.php?id=28704&forum_id=16&page=2and this is what you said, lol.

I suddenly wondered, can humans get pinworms? I caught worms off a cat years ago, NOT pretty!

So there you go, lol.

And yes, the internet is a fickle place. Mind you though, when you weren't around I wondered how you were, how the bunners were, wondered if I had upset you because you never replied to my last e-mail, so you're right in what you say I guess.

Polly is great. I'm so lucky she's my friend She has REALLY taken some stick from me over time but has still stuck by me. Only one other friend has ever done that. She's ace

 

[Becca]

Tracy, Well I'm not going to say it on here, I've just said it on msn..

Bestest RO Friend :hug:

 

[polly]

Hey Trace, just want ya to know you are one of my best friends meeting you through the summer just cemented that (even if it wasn't a long visit) Iwill always be there for you just as you are always there for me :hug::hug2::hugsquish:

 

[JadeIcing]

I read everything you said and I understand. More than most know. I have struggled my whole life with depression. I have so many times wanted to end it. Been so close but for one reason or other haven't.

I have lost many pets over the years but not one that means to me what Flash means to you.Samantha was so much to me but I know Connor is my world. I love them all. They all have my heart but he is my baby. I got him when he was 5wks old he will be 3 on the 23rd. He was so tiny...Shortly after I got him I spent many days bed ridden with migraines from stress. Rob would set him up on the bed with food, litter, water. The whole 9yrds. When we did go out he went with me. In my purse...he got into many stores and restaurants. If I lost him...I could see myself fallingto where youwent. My heart goes out to you because honestly that kind of lossterrifies me.

I talked to you here and there in PMs and on MSN. I am one not to push. I know what it is like to have someone push when you don't want them to. I know what it is like to want to jam something in their mouth and down their throat to shut them up.

Ever need to talk, I am here.

Ali

 

[Flashy]

[align=left]I'm quite annoyed and upset right now.

As I've said, I do a lot of stuff with the RSPCA, mainly home visits, but other stuff too.

Back in May a lady adopted a beautiful neutered dutch buy called Houdini to bond with her spayed lady.

When I went back three months later it was clear that this bunny was full of hormones.

I had a good look at Houdini and found this.

He is incredibly deformed. He seems to have a split down where he scent glands should be. From his behaviour I would guess his balls are undescended and somehow the deformity has affected them too.

So back I go to the RSPCA explained that he was probably not neutered etc. The RSPCA had missed the fact he was deformed, had missed all his hormonal behaviour (and there was a lot!). They tried to sort the situation, and they were going to pay for the vets to neuter him, however, the vets are not rabbit savvy and after doing a blood test that they found as inconclusive they think it's not worth the risk of the surgery, and the RSPCA have agreed. This rabbit is not neutered, the lady has to keep separating her buns because one is humping the other ALL the time, he is at higher risk of testicular cancer, and I am so frustrated that they are allowing this to happen. I offered to take this bun to my rabbit savvy vet, to look after it through recovery, to do whatever I need to, and they have no reached this decision.

Both of these buns are a mess, one because she is annoyed with the constant humping, chasing, spraying, and the other because he is so hormonal.

Sometimes I hate what I do.


I've left spaces for pictures because I can't figure out how to get them from Photobucket today, and I don't have the patience to try.
[/align]

 

[Flashy]

I also just wanted to add that you've all been so nice, thank you

Ali, just wanted to say that please don't think you will end up suicidal if you lose him because you might think yourself into it and it could end up worse than the grief might have been. Just try to enjoy each day as it comes and not focus on what happens when he dies. We are all stronger than we think.

 

[BlueGiants]

Dealing with a bureaucracy (*and yeah, the RSPCA is a bureaucracy!) is tough. They don't see things from the same perspective you do. Have patience. Can you go higher up? Explain how this woman is at risk of losing him to deformity related issues and her to aggression issues (I can only imagine how stressed out the poor doe is getting!)

Can you put it in a letter? Sometimes putting it in writing helps make the point. It is frustrating, but please don't give up. (For the sake of the bunnies!) What you're doing is wonderful! :hug:

 

[Wabbitdad12]

TinysMom wrote:

inkelepht:

:great:
​

:bambiandthumper
​

:happyrabbit:


YEAH! Finally - a blog from FLASHY!!!



​

Ditto!

 

[Wabbitdad12]

First your bunny's are beautiful!

I am glad your back!inkbouce: You were one of the first people I met when I found this forum and I remember chatting with you during my lunch hour.

You have and I am sure will give me good advice on caring for my buns.

 

[Flashy]

I just wanted to give abasic explanationof my illnesses. This is due to something someone said yesterday, not anything said in this thread or anything.

My diagnosis is is Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, that's what the UK call it, but other places call it Borderline Personality Disorder. That is my main diagnosis, but I also have what is apparently severe Seasonal Affective Disorder and anxiety problems, but the BPD umbrella covers most of the problems though.

I have been deemed too complex to help by the mental health professionals and then discharged, so have had to find my own way and own strategies. I have no professional help at all, no doctors, psychs, CPNs, social workers or anyone else who works with the people who have mental health problems over here. I have just myself and my buns, although when I'm really bad my parents have to help. I have, however,just been registered disabled due to what happens for me.

I am much more functional than I was, which is down to my own sheer determination and my buns. I am likely to be ill forever, because it's not me and I have an illness, like most people who have illnessesmy illness is myself, so I can't get away from it, my very being is the illness,however, with time and more effort, I would like to think I will be able to function, hold down a job, get a house, and be functional.

I did write something a bit more indepth but decided against posting it, but if anyone else has some questions, just ask I'm happy to answer, if not here, then in PM.