Not sure yet when we'll be bringing Elvis home. It'll be a few months yet, but believe me, I'm eager to get him home soon!
I wouldn't have ever been able to approach the idea without Teeny's push, though. I owe it all to him, completely and totally. And I really think he wanted me to bring home Elvis SPECIFICALLY...so there must be something about Elvis, specifically, that'll help me.
It feels like it's been months since I lost my sweet boy, but it's really only been a few weeks. I still can't believe it...and yet, he feels so completely gone already. How on Earth could that be possible? How could he really be gone? I just can't truly fathom how it could actually be reality. He's such a solid member of the family...I always expect to see him, and then there's that empty space where his cage was, and I have to take a few minutes to recover from the sadness overtaking me. How could someone be there one day, and be so completely gone the next? How is that fair? What about us? We love him so much...how can all that love not have held him here? Why does that not count toward that?
I'll be honest...I'm sure I'm pushing myself too hard. Danny tells me that I shouldn't expect to be as healed as I want myself to be. He says that I don't let myself think about it enough, and I expect too much of myself. To tell ya the truth, I'd love the time to just sit and think all day long. Just one day to do nothing but think, and come to realizations about different things having to do with losing him...and I get seriously disappointed at my lack of strength. I surprise myself with the things that cause a temporary emotional breakdown...it so completely overtakes me...my entire body can't help but grieve for the time that it does.
I hate being sad all the time...but, really, I'm mostly angry...with no one to be angry at. When we were burying him, I couldn't help but take the shovel and do almost the complete job of burying him by myself. I was so angry...but just at myself. I feel so responsible...I was the one that wanted him, brought him into our household...and I feel like I'm the one that brought so much sadness to my family...so it was MY responsibility to replace that dirt once we had dug the hole and put him in. Danny had to take the shovel from my hands and force me to stop...he knew if I finished I would've hurt myself physically...but I honestly didn't care. It was nobody's job but my own.
I have to say, though, that at the end of the day, I do expect great things of myself...in many areas. And I know I'm hard on myself, but I honestly can do nothing else. I have fought my whole life to be better, work harder, do more, do EVERYTHING I can possibly do. I just think that it's important to always demand more from yourself...to demand better from yourself. To always improve yourself.
Anyway, I just look foward to the future, and enjoy the times when my sweet Teeny's with me. Just keep us in your prayers. I so deeply appreciate the sympathies and kind words you guys have given. It's really helping, being able to write to him and get out all this pain in words (a bit).
Hugs to you guys and your babies...
Rosie*
