Anaira
Well-Known Member
Hi. It's been awhile. I've been pretty **** at this life thing the past few months. Ended up finding out on my yearly check up that I had hyperthyroidism, which among other things, basically sent me crazy. I wasn't remembering things, sometimes I'd forget even what word was supposed to come next, or how to say words, while talking. But I also wasn't really aware of how bad I was - it wasn't until my levels started to drop back to normal that I looked back, and went 'good god, I was sick'. Now, I can't actually really remember those few months very well. I do remember that my rat became sick, respiratory infection, and he was started on a round of antibiotics. Despite setting myself reminders left, right, and centre, I would forget to give him his meds. Sometimes just one dose, sometimes I think it was nearly a week. I can't even remember how long that went on for, but obviously, you can't get better if you don't take your antibiotics regularly.
And he didn't. One day, I managed to just pull my head back, look around, and realize I had lost it. I gave up on everything. Mum insisted the rabbits go outside, my sister agreed to take Turbo and Dragon on (they were supposed to be hers, anyway), and I just sat around and cried for about a whole week. I usually never cry.
It was too late, Dragon died anyway. I basically rejected everyone I love, and trashed my room. Before hyperthyroidism started messing me up, I had been trying to pull myself out of depression, and look after myself - which I haven't been doing for years. After Dragon died, I didn't feel worthy of having anyone inside my heart. It's kinda weird to explain, but I stopped caring about anyone - even Reuben. They had a ****ty time of it for a couple of week - just food, water, and hay. I don't really have a hold on what life was like, especially since, no matter what, to almost everyone my automatic front is 'everything is fine', so if I look back to conversations I had with people at the time, online, everything does seem normal.
I can't remember why, but I knew my rabbits couldn't be neglected, so I took them into my car for some attention. Dammit, the love they gave me broke me again. I don't deserve to be their mum. I don't deserve the love my girls' give me. I don't deserve the affection Seth gives me. I don't deserve to have them, to love. I definitely don't deserve to have people think of me as a good caretaker. But, dammit, they DO love me, so the best I can do now, is make sure I don't ever eff them up, like Dragon.
They're now living inside again, which we are all happy about. Seth sleeps in my room, so they do need to stay in a pen, but they don't really care that much. For now.
I'm not looking for sympathy. It's just...confession, I suppose. I don't want to be looked on as a great owner, because I'm not. My levels have been normal for the past two months, which is good, and I think I'm on the up and up. It took awhile, but I got my room cleaned - I was sleeping on the floor for a while, because I couldn't be bothered putting my mattress back on my bed, but I've managed to clear out a lot of useless stuff, and I now live in organised chaos. Instead of just chaos.
Somehow, with help from a couple of great guys, I managed to pass two of my papers from that trimester. I feel I deserved to fail them all, since I couldn't managed to look after Dragon, but I guess it's good that I didn't.
My memory's still pretty useless. So, yeah. Here's a picture of the two of them, from last night.
And he didn't. One day, I managed to just pull my head back, look around, and realize I had lost it. I gave up on everything. Mum insisted the rabbits go outside, my sister agreed to take Turbo and Dragon on (they were supposed to be hers, anyway), and I just sat around and cried for about a whole week. I usually never cry.
It was too late, Dragon died anyway. I basically rejected everyone I love, and trashed my room. Before hyperthyroidism started messing me up, I had been trying to pull myself out of depression, and look after myself - which I haven't been doing for years. After Dragon died, I didn't feel worthy of having anyone inside my heart. It's kinda weird to explain, but I stopped caring about anyone - even Reuben. They had a ****ty time of it for a couple of week - just food, water, and hay. I don't really have a hold on what life was like, especially since, no matter what, to almost everyone my automatic front is 'everything is fine', so if I look back to conversations I had with people at the time, online, everything does seem normal.
I can't remember why, but I knew my rabbits couldn't be neglected, so I took them into my car for some attention. Dammit, the love they gave me broke me again. I don't deserve to be their mum. I don't deserve the love my girls' give me. I don't deserve the affection Seth gives me. I don't deserve to have them, to love. I definitely don't deserve to have people think of me as a good caretaker. But, dammit, they DO love me, so the best I can do now, is make sure I don't ever eff them up, like Dragon.
They're now living inside again, which we are all happy about. Seth sleeps in my room, so they do need to stay in a pen, but they don't really care that much. For now.
I'm not looking for sympathy. It's just...confession, I suppose. I don't want to be looked on as a great owner, because I'm not. My levels have been normal for the past two months, which is good, and I think I'm on the up and up. It took awhile, but I got my room cleaned - I was sleeping on the floor for a while, because I couldn't be bothered putting my mattress back on my bed, but I've managed to clear out a lot of useless stuff, and I now live in organised chaos. Instead of just chaos.
Somehow, with help from a couple of great guys, I managed to pass two of my papers from that trimester. I feel I deserved to fail them all, since I couldn't managed to look after Dragon, but I guess it's good that I didn't.
My memory's still pretty useless. So, yeah. Here's a picture of the two of them, from last night.
