Thanks everyone. It's nice to know that people care, even if none of you ever met her.
I think what hurts most is that it was such a shock. In September, when I lost Rio, a baby from my litter who I was extremely bonded to, it was totally different. We knew from the day he got sick that there was a chance he wouldn't make it, and I knew going in to breeding that I would most likely loose a baby or two. I had over a week to spend extra time with him, take videos of him playing and snap tons of photographs, because I knew that any day, he could be gone.
But Noel just deteriorated within a few hours. I had her in to the vets that morning, and she was fine. She was her feisty, bouncy self, and I never even considered that I would loose her. But now I have all these stupid what-ifs. What if I caught the infection before it got so out of control? What if I had bought that Critical Care back in October that I decided I could pick up some other time? What if I had brought her in the day before just to get some meds for her?
I buried her yesterday. Out in the woods behind the backyard, in this sunny spot beneath the trees. She always hated when I took her out in the backyard to play; I think she liked the house better, because she knew she was the queen of the whole house. She was the alpha of the cat, dog, and all the other bunnies, and she knew it.
But now all that's left is to pick up the pieces; that mostly involves taking care of her "sister", Pepper.
Those two were such clowns... Always into everything together. Pepper seems to be taking things well; she binkied for the first time yesterday since Noel's death, and she's perked up some. I'm taking Noel's spay fund and getting Pepper spayed as soon as there's an opening so that I can get her healed and bonded with my neutered English Spot. I was going to use that money to get an autopsy done on Noel, to see if there was anything that could have been done.. But I think she would rather me take care of her sister instead of trying to find ways to blame myself.
I'm rambling. I know.
It's just hard to look at those pictures and really knowing that she's gone. To divide out the fresh herbs and not make an 8th helping. To feed Pepper and have to cut the amount in half. To sit on the couch and eat Honey Nut Cheerios without worrying about Noel diving into the bowl to help herself. I miss those things.
I just feel like this wasn't her time. She was young, she was going to be spayed within the month, she was sharing a brand new NIC cage with Pep... It just doesn't feel real. Noel and Pepper were bought from a BYB back when I knew nothing about rabbits. They lived in a tiny plastic pet store cage, ate Kaytee Fiesta, got dusty hay, salt wheels, and crappy sugary rabbit treats. They were not litter boxed trained, they didn't get much time out of their cage, and they were fiercely independent and impossible to handle.
But I got everything turned around. They were on a good diet, they were enjoying being around people, they had lost a lot of weight, and I felt like I was doing everything right for once.
Noel wasn't supposed to die when she was 3. She was supposed to live to be 12 or 13, and die peacefully in her sleep. She was supposed to come with me to my "Basic Rabbit Care" presentations for the local girl scouts and and show everyone how happy well-cared house bunnies are. And that's not going to happen.
Sorry I'm rambling. It helps.
It's beautiful.
