May you review my story?

[Becca]

Thanks for the comments Paul, thats good to know about the pixie thing but in the 3rd and 4th chapter you find out that it actually isn't a pixie.... here is some more which may change your mind

''PLEASE NOTE I JUST WROTE THIS RIGHT NOW AND I HAVEN'T EDITED IT AT ALL YET SO FORGIVE ANY MISTAKES"

[align=center][/align] [align=center]Chapter One[/align] [align=center]~[/align] [align=center]Fairytale House[/align] [align=center][/align] Matt stirred silently in his sleep clutching onto his teddy like someone was trying to prise it from his tiny hands. I had been watching him sleep for over an hour. Watching him dream was soothing, he didn’t have anything to worry about. He wouldn’t be grieving over lost friends like me. His chubby pink face was pulled into a gentle grin and the few tufts of hair he had were sticking up on end, it looked like a hay stack. You could see his porridge down the front of his Thomas the tank engine t-shirt. His breath was calm and even, I tried to breathe in time with him to calm myself down.

We were on our way to our new house I had no idea what to expect considering I was in hospital when they went to see it. Oh don’t worry, I’m fine just a fractured arm. I’m not exactly the most graceful girl around! I had been skating with my….old best friend Clara when I bumped into someone and fell down. We were skating for Clara’s birthday, there were all sorts of games to play on the ice and there were a lot of giggles as everyone fell over. After we had a Mc Donalds and as usual I spilt my milkshake over my new jeans.


[align=center]~[/align] [align=center][/align] After another restless twenty minutes in the car with Matt snoring heavily, we pulled up slowly in a neatly gravelled driveway.
“Here we are, home sweet home!” Mum trilled from the front seat. My mouth gaped. I gazed at the house trying to take in each amazing piece of it. Matt was hysteric, he was bouncing around in his seat he nearly fell out of the car as Dad opened the door. Smooth stone ornaments were scattered over the neatly clipped grass and the flower beds were buzzing with life. Bees and butterflies made their way around, backwards and forwards, in and out of each precious petal. Mum and Dad looked at each other romantically; this was the house of their dreams that they had been waiting for since they were married.
The beautiful front door was the main attraction it was a creamy brown colour sort of how Grandma’s chocolate cookies looked before they went into the oven, the ancient yet still shiny, door knob seemed to glow in the mid morning sun. It reminded me of a castle we had once visited whilst on holiday in Wales. Towering above us showing off its beauty to everyone, you could see it from miles away. Each brick that made up the house, my house, had its own unique range of colours. It seemed impossible that such an old building could still carry such perfection. I was desperate to get inside. This fantastic building was our house, our home, and it made it even more spine-tinglingly special'

[align=center]~[/align]
As I looked around I realised I was the only one left in the car.
“You coming love?” My dad called his toothy smile glimmering in the sun. I finally found my legs and got out of our silver Ford. I walked slowly around the back. I was nervous about going inside in case the outside had painted an incorrect picture of the inside in my mind. We couldn’t go through the front door as the last residents of the house had failed to fix the faulty lock.
As I walked into the back garden I thought I had walked into a fairytale. I half expected seven little dwarfs to come strolling through. I had a sudden vision of an old picture in a fairytale book mum used to read to me.
Matt came hurtling over and grabbed my hand,
“Come choose your room Ella!”
I didn’t really have a choice, exploring the beautiful garden would have to wait until later. For a two year old Matt was incredibly strong and fast! I was tugged into the oversized kitchen. I gazed in astonishment at the large oak table in front of me. The yellows and blues that made up the kitchen gave it a more modern style – it was strange considering how antique the outside looked.
As I focused again I could feel Matt still tugging at my left arm.
“Come ON!!” Matt said stubbornly.
“Go and choose your room Ella, there’s 4 bedrooms so there will be 1 we can use as a study. You can have first pick!!” Mum grinned. I smiled back and let Matt pull me swiftly up the antique staircase. It was lined with a soft maroon carpet. It was a little worn in places; Dad will probably replace it in time anyway.

[align=center]~[/align] [align=center][/align] Matt pulled me to a halt, there were 5 doorways in view.
“Dats the baffroom Ella and ders the bedwooms” Matt explained
The hallway was decorated with golds and reds, I felt like I was in a palace and I was the Princess. Princess Ella now that sounded good! My old room was painted lilac, my favourite colour and was incredibly small. I just hoped this house would have a larger room to offer me. I checked out the first room on the left. The size of it was gob-smacking, against the left hand side wall was a large window; though the view wasn’t entirely interesting, just a farming field with a few fat looking cows gently grazing. The walls were painted lime green, I shuddered. They looked disgusting!
“Let’s go into the next one,” I said to Matt.
He led me into the next room this time the window was on the back wall, facing out toward the beautiful back garden. Straight away I decided this was my room, the white walls could easily be painted lilac, my dresser and bed would look great by the window. I was so excited and it was a generous size!
“I think I’ll have this one!” I said to my little brother.
“Okay Ella, come and see mine,” Matt was still bouncing of the walls!
Once again his clammy little hand tugged on mine, he had chosen the last bedroom on the right. As I walked in I realised why, the room was bright blue – Matt’s favourite colour – nearly everything he owned was blue including his collection of Thomas the tank engine t-shirts.
“Aah! Nice,” I exclaimed. “At least I won’t be able to hear you snoring!” I giggled
Matt stuck out his tiny tongue.


[align=center][/align] [align=center][/align] [align=center][/align] [align=center][/align] [align=center]Chapter Two[/align] [align=center]~[/align] [align=center]Boxes, Boxes And More Boxes![/align] [align=center][/align] It was time to help unpack the boxes and help lift the furniture. I had written on all of my boxes in a thick purple pen. I dragged them up to my room and opened the first one labelled ‘clothes’ I never took much care in packing so all my clothes were sort of bunged together any old how. I rummaged in the large box and found a pair of polka-dot pyjamas. I laid them on top of another box, labelled ‘make up and hair accessories’ this box was packed full too even though mum said I didn’t need it, I was beautiful without it… but if I didn’t need make up how come I was ignored by most of the opposite sex.
Dad had moved my dresser and bed into my brilliant new room already. All I needed to do was collect some clean bed sheets from downstairs.
But before I did anything I wanted to go outside and explore the beautiful garden before the cold, darkness surrounded this part of the world.
As I made my way downstairs I realised just how amazing moving house was. The house was beautiful, the village seemed friendly (we’d already had some beautiful flowers from ‘The Waters’ family as a welcome gift) the only thing I was a little worried about was making new friends and fitting into the school.
However the Waters did have a friendly son, Barry. Maybe we could be friends.
[align=center][/align] [align=center]~[/align]
As I got into the wonderful garden my dad walked over and asked “Do you want the piano in your room?”
I agreed quickly so I could be left alone with the garden. The ‘piano’ was a family heirloom; it had been passed down in our family for years. For some reason my great, great, great, great grandma wanted us all to be musicians. I giggled to myself as I thought of me playing an instrument. No matter how much I tried my fingers would never press the right keys.

I didn’t know where to start. There were stepping stones leading from the door around the garden. Each one, like the bricks that made up the house had its own unique range of colours. Fresh green grass and flowerbeds surrounded the stones. Pink and red pansies were just closing up for the night; I was careful to stand exactly on the stones so I wouldn’t squash the grass or crush any tiny creatures living amongst the blades.
There was a raised patio in the corner with a small table and chairs. They looked as if they should have been red but overtime they had faded to a murky brown.
At the bottom of the long garden there was an archway with a high hedge on either side. I didn’t hesitate and walked straight through. Within this magical part of the garden birds sang, bees buzzed and the water fountain splashed.
To my left side there was a pretty white picnic bench. I was excited as I thought of sitting out here with some friends or doing homework, maybe even with a future boyfriend – you never know.
“Ella – Dinner” Mum called from the door.
I glanced at my watch, 6pm already!

[align=center]~[/align] [align=center][/align] After eating my lasagne and chips dad suggested I go and unpack some more of my boxes. I boundd up the stairs into my bedroom; dad had already got the piano up there. I was sad to close the curtains on my beautiful garden but it would still be there in the morning, I smiled at that thought.
I remembered I had to put the sheets on my bed. As I did I saw something. It looked like a pixie- a tiny shadow of a pixie. I thought it was probably my eyes playing tricks on me. It had been a long, tiring day. I blinked and wiped my eyes. The shadow was gone.
[align=center][/align] [align=center][/align] [align=center][/align] [align=center][/align] [align=center]Chapter 3[/align] [align=center]~[/align] [align=center]King Samuel The Shadow[/align] [align=center][/align] After a lot of unpacking (and sighing when I realised my wardrobe wouldn’t hold all my clothes) I finally flopped down on my bed and fell asleep.
That night I dreamt peacefully about the wonderful garden, until I was woken, woken by someone playing the piano. My eyes opened in a flash. The room was pitch black but I could just make out the white keys on the piano. They were moving but who was playing them?
I stood up and the playing stopped. I froze as I spotted two lights over by the piano but after a silent 10 seconds I managed to clamber back into bed despite the darkness.
Fortunately I slept soundly for the rest of the night.

[align=center]~[/align] [align=center][/align] My hungry belly woke me up at half seven, I could hear the rest of my family still snoring so I tip-toed quickly downstairs. I had no idea where anything was so I had to open each cupboard and drawer until I had my cheerios, bowl and spoon. I carried them over to the big oak table and setlled down to eat. Suddenly I heard a ‘meow’ now I know what you’re thinking we don’t have a cat. So where was it coming from? I left my breakfast unfinished and went to investigate.
I walked into our lounge warily and was shocked to see a large tabby cat sitting on the sofa being stroked, by a shadow, a shadow of a pixie. I blinked but this time the little shadow didn’t disappear. This was real and there was a cat sitting comfortably on my sofa! The little pixie turned around and gasped when he saw me. The cat ran off, the pixie was about to follow.
“Wait!” I said urgently, the pixie turned but looked extremely timid.
“W…w…hat?” he stuttered.
“Who are you?” I managed to murmur.
He straightened up, it looked like he had a sudden urge of bravery, he said “ I am King Samuel the shadow, this is my kingdom!”
“W…hat are you doing here?” It was my turn to stutter.
“We’ve lived here for 54 years and…”
“We?” I interrupted
“Yes, including myself there are about 50 families of shadow people living in this magnificent house, in each room, under beds in cupboards anywhere you could think of!” his fear had obviously vanished.
“So you’re shadow people?” I exclaimed
He sighed and nodded.
“And the cat?” I asked
“We’ve been caring for him for years, that’s Ginger. We have a deal, we care for him and he lets us ride on him, it takes us ages to climb up the stairs by ourselves” he said.
It took me a couple of seconds to sort out all this new information, I was a little confused but very interested.
“Oh, we wanted to ask you a couple of favours…”
I nodded, he continued.
“Ginger will be here a lot, you need to help keep him away from your parents, and another major favour, soon enough your parents will want to vacuum away the dust and tidy this place up a bit, but vacuums are away worst enemy. You’ll need to protect us from it!”
“How?” I asked
“When your family are going to vacuum you must find Ginger and tell him, with your help he will round us up and take us to your room!” he exclaimed happily
“My room?”
“Yes, your room is our base – and sorry about waking you up last night Simon slipped onto your piano!” he told me looking guilty.
“That was you! Why couldn’t I see you?”
“Because it was dark you silly-billy, only other shadows can see us in the darkness and Ginger of course. He was there last night too you know.” He grinned sheepishly.
It all made sense now, the mysterious piano noise, the 2 lights must have been Ginger’s eyes! I was astonished.
“I have one more question,”
“Yes?” King Samuel questioned.
“How do I contact you or Ginger?”
“Good question, you go to the bottom of the garden, stand by the fountain and call either me or Ginger, I have to go … erm what’s your name?”
“Ella” I grinned
He nodded and ran away in the same direction as Ginger.

 

[paul2641]

Becca I like the first two chapters but I am really disliking the third chapter, I think you should completely change the pixies to some other creatures like gnomes or elves and make them evil or something, Just make the story a little more exciting.

 

[Becca]

paul2641 wrote:

Becca I like the first two chapters but I am really disliking the third chapter, I think you should completely change the pixies to some other creatures like gnomes or elves and make them evil or something, Just make the story a little more exciting.

But that would completley change the plot of the story and their not pixies they are shadows. She thinks they are pixies to begin with but they are tiny shadow people....

 

[paul2641]

Becca wrote:

paul2641 wrote:

Becca I like the first two chapters but I am really disliking the third chapter, I think you should completely change the pixies to some other creatures like gnomes or elves and make them evil or something, Just make the story a little more exciting.

But that would completley change the plot of the story and their not pixies they are shadows. She thinks they are pixies to begin with but they are tiny shadow people....

Ok cool, maybe make them evil or something like that.

 

[Becca]

paul2641 wrote:

Becca wrote:

paul2641 wrote:

Becca I like the first two chapters but I am really disliking the third chapter, I think you should completely change the pixies to some other creatures like gnomes or elves and make them evil or something, Just make the story a little more exciting.

But that would completley change the plot of the story and their not pixies they are shadows. She thinks they are pixies to begin with but they are tiny shadow people....

Ok cool, maybe make them evil or something like that.

Hmm actually maybe there could be 1 family of evil shadows that live in the darkest dampest place of the house that try and cause trouble......
Thanks for the idea!!

 

[paul2641]

Becca wrote:

paul2641 wrote:

Becca wrote:

paul2641 wrote:

Becca I like the first two chapters but I am really disliking the third chapter, I think you should completely change the pixies to some other creatures like gnomes or elves and make them evil or something, Just make the story a little more exciting.

But that would completley change the plot of the story and their not pixies they are shadows. She thinks they are pixies to begin with but they are tiny shadow people....

Ok cool, maybe make them evil or something like that.

Hmm actually maybe there could be 1 family of evil shadows that live in the darkest dampest place of the house that try and cause trouble......
Thanks for the idea!!

I am just putting an idea this evil family take king Samuel captive and kill him, and the main character Ella is then turned into a pixie and plans to take revenge on king Samuels death.I only thought of this idea in the matter of 5 seconds literally so it's probably crap.

 

[Becca]

Can you please give me some names beginning with S becuase all the shadows names are going to begin with an S...... suggestions please

 

[Flashy]

Look in a name book Becca.

The risk you run with asking people to contribute to a published book is that you have to credit those people in it as well as other things too.

 

[PixieStixxxx]

Becca, this is very creative!

I'm taking an English Literature class (In highschool, I was terrible at writing stories, reading poems, etc.) and one of the primary aspects to my course is don't be afraid of using a thesaurus. I use mine constantly, and it's greatly affected my term papers positively.

You've got a great gift at such a young age!

 

[Becca]

Flashy wrote:

Look in a name book Becca.

The risk you run with asking people to contribute to a published book is that you have to credit those people in it as well as other things too.

I was going to put in the front cover; something like Thanks to everyone on rabbitsonline.net for all the help and support in writing [INSERT BOOK NAME HERE]

etc etc x

 

[Becca]

I have done a bit more to the book!

It took me a while to fully comprehend that I had just been talking to a shadow! Still a bit dazed I walked slowly into the kitchen, my mum and Matt were sitting at the large table. I remembered my breakfast and joined them.
“Where have you been Ella?” Mum asked
“Oh just looking around a bit,” I smiled
King Samuel ran past the door and gave me a thumbs up.



Chapter 4
~

“Ella, I think we should start on cleaning this place up, do you want to go with your dad to pick up some paint? I know you’ll want to decorate your room!” Mum exclaimed.
I wanted to pick the perfect colour so I joined my dad in the car.

~

We drove to the nearest ‘home supplies shop’ and I hopped out of the car excitedly.
The large doors opened automatically and we were greeted with a gentle breeze and the buzz of customers’ voices. My dad and I headed over to the paint section, after a lot of debating between us we finally picked out a lilac, cream and a blue colour to touch up Matt’s room. We paid quickly and drove home, eager to start decorating.

~
As I walked through the door I heard a familiar sound, it was a vacuum! I ran to where the sound was coming from, the kitchen. I gasped in horror and ran to the garden and stopped by the fountain.
“GINGER, GINGER!” I called, a large tom cat came hurtling over out of a bush, I wasn’t sure what to do next. I guessed he could understand me so I said
“My mum is vacuuming, she’s already started, sorry I was out!” The words came out of me in a babble I wasn’t sure even a human could understand me but Ginger seemed to, his eyes widened and he ran off. I stood frozen in surprise; I decided to walk up to my room as that would be where all the shadows would be meeting. I was excited that I would be meeting some more little shadows, though maybe I should stay away from the evil family King Samuel had mentioned…
As I got into my room I heard many little voices, some squeaky some low and some like nothing you had ever heard before.
I was greeted kindly by King Samuel,
“Thank you Ella, Thank you,” he smiled happily
I felt relieved obviously I wasn’t too late, all of a sudden my mum knocked on my door all the shadows gasped and shot under my bed.
“Ella, we’re going round to the Waters later for dinner,” Mum said
“Okay Mum,” I called, the shadows emerged one by one from under my bed.
King Samuel jumped onto my arm and announced that I should meet some of his shadow people.
They all lined up and one by one they stepped forward and announced their names:
“Simon, Sukie, Sandra, Samson, Sean, Simone, Sarah, Sean, Sebastian, Susan, Seth, Sabrina, Sakura, Sanjay Scott, Shawn, Sabine, Saffron, Saeed, Samantha, Salvador, Senna, Shaan, Skyla, Sol, Sonny, Sonia, Spence, Spike...”
I was struggling to take in all these names, King Samuel could see this and ordered them all to stop.

~