Letting it out...

I don't expect anyone to read this or reply, but I need to write.

So, I'm not as put together as I portray myself to be. And, even so, I don't know what others think of me. Perhaps that's best, but it irks me to no end. I'm one of those people who want - no, need - to be liked. Maybe that's because I probably don't like myself much, but I'm working on that. I really am.

I'm struggling. Like, really deep-down struggling. I have an eating disorder that I'm on the verge of relapse from. I almost died two years ago because of my anorexia and bulimia. I was on the brink, but I fought back - hard and fast - and I recovered. Kind of. I was never fully recovered. I still refused to eat meals, drink water, and take care of myself. I fought when others tried to help me. And I pretended to get well until it wasn't an act anymore - and I was well. But I'm not well right now. It's as though I'm standing at the edge of a cliff - do I turn back around and ask for help? Or do I jump? I know I have people who are willing to help me should I ask, but I'm afraid to let go - I'm afraid to give in. And it's not even that. I know what I need to do. I know how to recover. So, that being said, why don't I? Why don't I take recovery by the hand and divorce myself from my eating disorder? It's an excellent question - one I wish I had an answer to.

And I have OCD. I have PTSD.I have a lot of letters that can follow my name, but none of them are the well-respected symbols that indicate intelligence or wellness. Instead of bettering myself, I continue to fall into the same hole - a hole I dug for myself. No, that's not true - I had help. My family helped me each time they told me I was worthless. My mother helped me each time she turned her back on what was happening to me - each time she refused to hear my words. My father helped me each time he argued my relation to him. He helped me when he chose not to be there for me despite my pleading requests. And all of those who saw, but who refused to see...all of those who heard, but refused to hear...all of those who witnessed, but refused to talk...they all helped me dig that hole. Yet, it was my shovel. And that shovel was in my hands. They didn't ask me to dig that hole, but they wouldn't help me fill it either.

I'm sad today. Not the kind of sad that keeps you in bed with the drapes closed, but a sad that seeps into your bones and hurts in a way nothing else can. I have help. I know what to do. I suppose I'm just not ready to let go. There's always tomorrow...

 

[timetowaste]

first of all, i wanted to say that i don't know how old you are, but your vocabulary and grammar shows that if you weren't being torn apart inside by these horrible feelings, you could easily have those letters that show intelligence or wellness trailing after your name.

it's not your fault that you are who you are.

we are molded by everyone and everything around us. our environment molds us like an ice cube tray, and we are the liquid inside it.

i don't KNOW what you are going through, but i understand and i can relate in more ways than i ever remembered until i read this post. those letters than follow your name are not who you are, they are just a part of you. they are in a plastic storage case in your mind, always there, but not mixed with everything that is YOU.

i think you know you need help. you know something is wrong and you are trying to hold tight to a breaking rope. but you SEE that something is wrong, you know there is a problem, and now you need to follow through.

PM me sometime. i'll give you my email address. i want to keep in touch with you, okay?

good luck sista, tracy

 

[pamnock]

My heart goes out to anyone who has a genetic predisposition to these illnesses.

I wish doctors could find the magic key to lift you from this darkness.

I'm certainly keeping you in my prayers as you fight to get through each day.

Pam

 

[Evey]

This post really got to me...

Everything you said sounds like what my best friend keeps explaining to me. She's been struggling with Anorexia for years, and now being just mere months before getting her Bachelors in Psychology she's in an eating disorder treatment facility in Wisconsin.

She, like you, totally knows how to seek treatment, but something just wouldn't let her...she felt really "dumb" too because she wants to help people with mental illnesses, and she's always like "how can I help others if I can't even help myself..." I can't stand her to be in pain anymore...that's why I intervened and talked to her parents. We HAD to do something...she just left on a plane Tuesday, and I haven't been able to talk to her. I probably won't talk to her for months...it's so sad, but I really want to be to well...again? I don't know if she ever was well...

So, I don't really know what to say except even if you don't have a great support system with your family, just know what there are people here (yes, I know we don't know you in real life) that truly care about you! PM me anytime

-Kathy

 

[Bo B Bunny]

Alexah-Joy is also haxela, and Alexah, and a few other names since they had some computer issues recently.

 

[Brandy456]

Evey wrote:

This

So, I don't really know what to say except even if you don't have a great support system with your family

-Kathy

We'll be your family. Im not exactly sure what to say.I wanted to note that my best friend in the whole world has anorexia and sometimes people say its easy, just eat a huge chocolate chip muffin, ButI knowandI see inher the pain she puts herself through we someone forces her to eat. She looks at me and tells me shes fat, And siriously. Im bigger then she is so i sometimesget offensive but i try and keep cool. She tells me that she wants tobe my size, witchi said that im bigger then her by like 30 pounds.

What Im trying to say is that even though your family isent as supportive as you would like them to be, You've got to prove them wrong. It may not be easy but in the end you'll look back at the moment you wrote that and you'll say "That was me, Before".

When you say that you have no 'names' that fallow you with good meaning you sure do, and if it takes me to write them out for you to know your not 'worthless' then that's what I'll do and I'm sure other people in your RO family, will help me.

"Theres always tomorrow".. Live for today, not tomorrow. Use the old saying 'Never put off what you can do today to tomorrow' Or something close to that matter..hehe Im not very good at quotes. Even though I've heard them most of my life.

 

[tundrakatiebean]

:hug:I agree with Brandy - let us be your family!

I'll be thinking of you!

 

[trailsend]

I'm so sorry to read this - but you were right to write it, especially if it helps. I'm sorry to hear you are so sad, It's so consuming and painful. I don't know what you are going through but I have some understanding.

I am glad you have help, and that you realize tomorrow is another day although that can be difficult. Please make sure to express yourself and that you have someone who will listen to you and not judge you or talk over you. You were good to write your feelings here. Everyone is behind you.