Bramble Briar86
Well-Known Member
That one's really funny Jenniblu.
Ellie
Ellie
Jokes
- Thread starter Carolyn
- Start date
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dajeti2
Well-Known Member
Great oneJenniblu!
* * * * * * * * * *
THE MISSIONERY AND THE CHIEF
A missionary who has spent years showing a tribe ofnativeshow to farm and build to become self-sufficient getsword that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he nevertaught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief andstarts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther, and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results, when hehears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over thetop, hesees a couple in the midst of heavyromanticactivity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "This is riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out
his blowgun, and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at thechief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilizedand kind to each other. How could he just kill these people in coldblood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
* * * * * * * * * *
THE MISSIONERY AND THE CHIEF
A missionary who has spent years showing a tribe ofnativeshow to farm and build to become self-sufficient getsword that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he nevertaught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief andstarts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther, and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results, when hehears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over thetop, hesees a couple in the midst of heavyromanticactivity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "This is riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out
his blowgun, and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at thechief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilizedand kind to each other. How could he just kill these people in coldblood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Snuggys Mom
Well-Known Member
Good one, Carolyn.
I remembered another one:
Two homeless men are standing around talking. One points to adog across the street licking his, um, man parts, and says, "I wish Icould do that".
The other one says, "Are you crazy? That dog'll bite you!"
Hee hee
I remembered another one:
Two homeless men are standing around talking. One points to adog across the street licking his, um, man parts, and says, "I wish Icould do that".
The other one says, "Are you crazy? That dog'll bite you!"
Hee hee
Jenniblu
Well-Known Member
LMBO - Carolyn and Laura!
dajeti2
Well-Known Member
Ya'll are cracking me up.
Tina
Tina
Dear Tony,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my
daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I
now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a
job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge
in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead
of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn
everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool.
I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my
daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my
daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I
now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a
job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge
in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead
of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn
everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool.
I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my
daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Snuggys Mom
Well-Known Member
Carolyn wrote:
Laura
Yes, I love the really corny, stupid-funny stuff. That's whyI liked the movie Napoleon Dynamite so much. I even named mybunny after him!
Laura
Bramble Briar86
Well-Known Member
Laura wrote:
Ellie
i LOVE that movie! I can do Kip's voice dead-on....lmbo
Ellie
Bramble Briar86
Well-Known Member
Okay, if anyone has a problem with these jokes tell me right away and i'll remove them.
Here's two Micheal Jackson ones:
What do Micheal Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
They both have little boys' pants half-off.
What two things does Micheal Jackson and a PS2(Play Station Two)have in common?
They're both made of plastic and little boys turn them on.
**************************************************
There are two muffins in an oven, one turns to the other andsays, "Whew, it's getting hot in here!" The other muffin's eyes getreal big and he screams, "AHHHHHH, A TALKING MUFFIN!"
*******************************************
One blonde, one brunette and one red-head all, at the sametime, meet up with a mysterious man wit a mirror. The man leaves theinstructions,
"Look into the mirror, if you say something about you thatisn't true, you will disapear, if you say something true aboutyourself, you will have all the riches you can imagine." the man walksaway, leaving the mirror.
The brunette walks up to the mirror, pauses, thinks and says, while dancing,
"I think that I'm a very good dancer" she pauses and adds,with a fancy dance move, "the best in the world..." POOF! she'sgone
the red-head goes up there and sings,
"I think that i'm a surperb singer!" she reaches a highnote and adds, "I'm the BEST in the world!!!..." POOF!
The blonde goes up there, rubs her hands together, thinks and says,
"I think-" POOF!
**********************
A blonde, redhead and a brunette are all caught in between three cop cars, they're all about to be shot,
The brunette cleverly points andsays, "TORNADO!" and she runs over the car and gets away.
The cops turn their guns to the redhead who says, "STAAAAAAAMPEDE!!!!!"
The cops turn to look and the redhead gets away.
They turn their guns to the blonde, the blonde thinks for a moment before shouting, "FIRE!"
********************************
a chinese man, a mexican and a cowboy are all working on the rail road, it's time to break for lunch.
Chinese man says, "If i get ONE MORE egg roll, i'm gonna throw myselfin front ofthe next train!"
Mexican says, "If i get ONE MORE chimmichanga, i'm gonna throw myself in front ofthe next train."
Cowboy says, "If i get one more ham and cheese sandwhich i'm going to throw myself infront of the next train!"
The next day, after lunch time, they each got what they said they didn't want and threw themselves in front of a coming train.
Three days later at the three mans' joined funeral, the three wives areall in a circle. The chinese woman says, "If only i hadn't packed himthat last egg roll, he'd still be alive!"
The Mexican woman says, "If only i hadn't packed him that last chimmichanga! I'd still have my husband!"
The two burst into the tears, the Cowboy's wife still says nothing. Thechinese woman and the mexican woman look at the cowboy's wife and stareat her questioningly.
she squeals, "Don't look at me!!! He packed his own lunch!"
Ellie
Here's two Micheal Jackson ones:
What do Micheal Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
They both have little boys' pants half-off.
What two things does Micheal Jackson and a PS2(Play Station Two)have in common?
They're both made of plastic and little boys turn them on.
**************************************************
There are two muffins in an oven, one turns to the other andsays, "Whew, it's getting hot in here!" The other muffin's eyes getreal big and he screams, "AHHHHHH, A TALKING MUFFIN!"
*******************************************
One blonde, one brunette and one red-head all, at the sametime, meet up with a mysterious man wit a mirror. The man leaves theinstructions,
"Look into the mirror, if you say something about you thatisn't true, you will disapear, if you say something true aboutyourself, you will have all the riches you can imagine." the man walksaway, leaving the mirror.
The brunette walks up to the mirror, pauses, thinks and says, while dancing,
"I think that I'm a very good dancer" she pauses and adds,with a fancy dance move, "the best in the world..." POOF! she'sgone
the red-head goes up there and sings,
"I think that i'm a surperb singer!" she reaches a highnote and adds, "I'm the BEST in the world!!!..." POOF!
The blonde goes up there, rubs her hands together, thinks and says,
"I think-" POOF!
**********************
A blonde, redhead and a brunette are all caught in between three cop cars, they're all about to be shot,
The brunette cleverly points andsays, "TORNADO!" and she runs over the car and gets away.
The cops turn their guns to the redhead who says, "STAAAAAAAMPEDE!!!!!"
The cops turn to look and the redhead gets away.
They turn their guns to the blonde, the blonde thinks for a moment before shouting, "FIRE!"
********************************
a chinese man, a mexican and a cowboy are all working on the rail road, it's time to break for lunch.
Chinese man says, "If i get ONE MORE egg roll, i'm gonna throw myselfin front ofthe next train!"
Mexican says, "If i get ONE MORE chimmichanga, i'm gonna throw myself in front ofthe next train."
Cowboy says, "If i get one more ham and cheese sandwhich i'm going to throw myself infront of the next train!"
The next day, after lunch time, they each got what they said they didn't want and threw themselves in front of a coming train.
Three days later at the three mans' joined funeral, the three wives areall in a circle. The chinese woman says, "If only i hadn't packed himthat last egg roll, he'd still be alive!"
The Mexican woman says, "If only i hadn't packed him that last chimmichanga! I'd still have my husband!"
The two burst into the tears, the Cowboy's wife still says nothing. Thechinese woman and the mexican woman look at the cowboy's wife and stareat her questioningly.
she squeals, "Don't look at me!!! He packed his own lunch!"
Ellie
DuncanTheDutch
Well-Known Member
I just had to share this with everyont!!! It is so true!!
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computerindustry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up withtechnology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
~~~~~ ***** ~~~~~
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press releasestating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would allbe driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. Youwould have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you couldcontinue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would causeyour car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you wouldhave to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, wasreliable! five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would runon only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would allbe replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you outand refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the doorhandle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learnhow to drive all over again because none of the controls would operatein the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computerindustry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up withtechnology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
~~~~~ ***** ~~~~~
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press releasestating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would allbe driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. Youwould have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you couldcontinue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would causeyour car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you wouldhave to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, wasreliable! five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would runon only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would allbe replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you outand refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the doorhandle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learnhow to drive all over again because none of the controls would operatein the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!
DuncanTheDutch
Well-Known Member
I was tiredof being bossed around by my wife; so I went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem, and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way home.
I finished the book by the time I reached my house.
I stormed into the house and walked up to my wife. Pointing afinger in her face, and said, "From now on, I want you to know that Iam the man
of this house, and my word is law! "I want you to prepare mea gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expecta sumptuous dessert afterwards. "Then, after dinner, you'regoing to draw me my bath so I can relax. "And, when I'mfinished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
She answered, "The ******* funeral director."
The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem, and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way home.
I finished the book by the time I reached my house.
I stormed into the house and walked up to my wife. Pointing afinger in her face, and said, "From now on, I want you to know that Iam the man
of this house, and my word is law! "I want you to prepare mea gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expecta sumptuous dessert afterwards. "Then, after dinner, you'regoing to draw me my bath so I can relax. "And, when I'mfinished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
She answered, "The ******* funeral director."
DuncanTheDutch
Well-Known Member
>Hello, my name is Lewis and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50
>billion freakin chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe
>that if
>you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her
>forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
>redneck
>parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
>
>Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone
>to
>whom you send "his" email, $1000?
>
>How stupid are we?
>
>"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get
>laid
>by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"
>
>What a bunch of bullcrap.
>
>Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
>sodomize
>me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter
>in
>5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
>
>Screw them.
>
>If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
>amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends,and
>this poor,
>wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some
>omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
>
>I don't give a rat's ass.
>
>Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
>contributing
>to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
>
>The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave
>you
>shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny,
>send it on.
>
>Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
>with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years
>and
>whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward
>this email.
>
>Now forward this to everyone you know.
>
>Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will
>consume your genitals.
>
>Have a nice day.
>
>P.S. Send me 15 bucks.asap
>billion freakin chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe
>that if
>you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her
>forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
>redneck
>parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
>
>Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone
>to
>whom you send "his" email, $1000?
>
>How stupid are we?
>
>"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get
>laid
>by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"
>
>What a bunch of bullcrap.
>
>Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
>sodomize
>me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter
>in
>5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
>
>Screw them.
>
>If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
>amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends,and
>this poor,
>wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some
>omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
>
>I don't give a rat's ass.
>
>Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
>contributing
>to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
>
>The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave
>you
>shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny,
>send it on.
>
>Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
>with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years
>and
>whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward
>this email.
>
>Now forward this to everyone you know.
>
>Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will
>consume your genitals.
>
>Have a nice day.
>
>P.S. Send me 15 bucks.asap
DuncanTheDutch
Well-Known Member
>>>Once there was a little boywho lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the littleboy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter andstank all the time.
[size=][/size]
>>>The outhouse was sitting onthe bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would pushthat outhouse
into the creek.
> >> One day after a spring rain, thecreek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to pushthe outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and startedpushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
> >>That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why?
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse intothe creek today. It was you, wasn't it,son?"
The boy answered "yes."
> >> Then he thought a moment and said,"Dad, I read in school today thatGeorge Washington choppeddown a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told thetruth."The dadreplied, "Well, son, George Washington's fatherwasn't in that cherrytree.
DuncanTheDutch
Well-Known Member
True Assessment
===============
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found-
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never-
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended-
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no-
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be-
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be-
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. sent away as soon as possible.-
Sincerely,
Project Leader-
-------------------------------------------------------------
The following Memo was soon sent following "The Letter"
That stupid dolt was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second line
(i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13) for my true assessment of him.
===============
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found-
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never-
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended-
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no-
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be-
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be-
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. sent away as soon as possible.-
Sincerely,
Project Leader-
-------------------------------------------------------------
The following Memo was soon sent following "The Letter"
That stupid dolt was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second line
(i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13) for my true assessment of him.
DuncanTheDutch
Well-Known Member
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as
possible. The short story had to contain the following three things:
(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it
possible. The short story had to contain the following three things:
(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery
There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.
Below is the A+ short story:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it
DuncanTheDutch
Well-Known Member
A couple had only been married for two weeks. Thehusband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on thetown and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,"Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" Sheopened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kindsof beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he couldthink of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted himby saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took ahuge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chillsjust holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at thebar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won'tbe long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the ovenand took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigsin blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
"LISTEN UP DI**EAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THEHELL UP, DRINK YOUR D**N BEER IN YOUR D**N FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOURF***ING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A**ISN'T GOING TO A F***ING BAR!THAT S**T IS OVER...GOT IT, A**HOLE?"
And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
DuncanTheDutch
Well-Known Member
Helpful Hint #1
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly
removed.
Helpful Hint #2
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away
Helpful Hint #3
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Helpful Hint #4
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Helpful Hint #5
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful
inexpensive vibrator.
Helpful Hint #6
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
Helpful Hint #7
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Helpful Hint #8
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly
removed.
Helpful Hint #2
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away
Helpful Hint #3
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Helpful Hint #4
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Helpful Hint #5
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful
inexpensive vibrator.
Helpful Hint #6
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
Helpful Hint #7
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Helpful Hint #8
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.
DuncanTheDutch
Well-Known Member
Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, solong as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keepyour eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age towear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off theirhips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of yourfriends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open mindedabout this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to thedoor with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, andI will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes donot, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely inplace to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizinga "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when itcomes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know eachother, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of theday. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you isan indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at myhouse, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities todate other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with mydaughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, youwill continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. Ifyou make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want tobe on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter isputting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting theGolden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you dosomething useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter
laces where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a woodenstool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns withineyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there isdancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambienttemperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tanktops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, anda goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strongromantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask youwhere you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me thetruth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, ashovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake thesound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a ricepaddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices inmy head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bringmy daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exityour car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safelyand early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to comeinside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, solong as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keepyour eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age towear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off theirhips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of yourfriends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open mindedabout this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to thedoor with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, andI will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes donot, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely inplace to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizinga "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when itcomes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know eachother, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of theday. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you isan indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at myhouse, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities todate other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with mydaughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, youwill continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. Ifyou make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want tobe on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter isputting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting theGolden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you dosomething useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter
laces where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a woodenstool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns withineyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there isdancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambienttemperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tanktops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, anda goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strongromantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask youwhere you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me thetruth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, ashovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake thesound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a ricepaddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices inmy head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bringmy daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exityour car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safelyand early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to comeinside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
