irishmist
Well-Known Member
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Jokes
- Thread starter Carolyn
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Nicky Snow
Well-Known Member
Zee
the hang over thingy was too funny, i grew up in Nottingham, England,and i couldn't stop laughing. only thing i would change is the kebabwould be cheesy chips and mayonaisse. Yum! And i was born in '79 so icould relate, except i did have an Atari.
LOL
Nicole
the hang over thingy was too funny, i grew up in Nottingham, England,and i couldn't stop laughing. only thing i would change is the kebabwould be cheesy chips and mayonaisse. Yum! And i was born in '79 so icould relate, except i did have an Atari.
LOL
Nicole
Zee
Well-Known Member
Nicole, I live in the South until 4 yearsago. When my aunt first sent me that, I cracked up laughing,because it is so true. I was born in '73.
Nicky Snow wrote:
Nicky Snow wrote:
Nicky Snow
Well-Known Member
now you live in Germany, i'm jealous. I stayed in Karlsruhe (SW of Frankfurt)for a few months and loved it!
Nicole
Nicole
juicyjuicee
Well-Known Member
Hi guys i got this joke from someone else but i thought it was really cute.
The Rabbit Miracle
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping acrossthe middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, butunfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. Thedriver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled overto the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of therabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt soawful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the mancrying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went toher car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at thetwo humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped,turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards,turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could bein the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What isin your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
The Rabbit Miracle
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping acrossthe middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, butunfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. Thedriver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled overto the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of therabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt soawful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the mancrying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went toher car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at thetwo humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped,turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards,turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could bein the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What isin your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
stanleysmommy
Well-Known Member
I've seen that joke before and I love it! 
It's so funny.
It's so funny.
irishmist
Well-Known Member
Awoman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at theappropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now needto enter a password. Something he could remember easily andwill use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in arather amourous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect tobring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him forhis password, he made it completely obvious to his wife that he waskeying in..........
P...E.... N....I.... S....
His wife fell off thechair laughing when the computerresponded.....
***PASSWORD REJECTED..... NOT LONG ENOUGH***
The husband was in arather amourous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect tobring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him forhis password, he made it completely obvious to his wife that he waskeying in..........
P...E.... N....I.... S....
His wife fell off thechair laughing when the computerresponded.....
***PASSWORD REJECTED..... NOT LONG ENOUGH***
rabbitluvr04
Well-Known Member
Hahahahaha that one is too funny! :laugh:
lucylocket
Well-Known Member
what do you call a dinisour with piles
mega sor arce
mega sor arce
Bunnys_rule63
Well-Known Member
>>>>The Rules of Chocolate
>>>>
>>>>If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating
>>>>it too slowly.
>>>>
>>>>Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries
>>>>all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
>>>>
>>>>The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store
>>>>in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the carpark.
>>>>
>>>>Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the
>>>>edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
>>>>
>>>>If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
>>>>fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of
>>>>the chocolate to protect themselves.
>>>>
>>>>If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is
>>>>that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
>>>>
>>>>Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
>>>>
>>>>Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look
>>>>younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
>>>>
>>>>Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do
>>>>today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
>>>>
>>>>A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
>>>>calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
>>>>
>>>>If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
>>>>But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
>>>>
>>>>If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top
>>>>tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't
>>>>let that happen, can you?.
>>>>
>>>>If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating
>>>>it too slowly.
>>>>
>>>>Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries
>>>>all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
>>>>
>>>>The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store
>>>>in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the carpark.
>>>>
>>>>Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the
>>>>edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
>>>>
>>>>If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the
>>>>fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of
>>>>the chocolate to protect themselves.
>>>>
>>>>If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is
>>>>that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
>>>>
>>>>Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
>>>>
>>>>Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look
>>>>younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
>>>>
>>>>Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do
>>>>today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
>>>>
>>>>A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
>>>>calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
>>>>
>>>>If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
>>>>But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
>>>>
>>>>If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top
>>>>tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't
>>>>let that happen, can you?.
FreddysMom
Well-Known Member
Carolyn wrote:
LMBO!!
naturestee
Well-Known Member
[align=center]Lawyer jokes!
[/align]
[align=center]In honor of my sister, a public defender in NYC
[align=left]Oneday a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back,amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It wasbeautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "Howmuch?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," theshopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story." Five dollars seemedlike a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live withoutknowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered onthrough the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed withsurprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, thesewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him.Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened.Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled thebrass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands ofrats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began todrown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The oldChinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You come back for story?" he asked.The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know ifyou had a brass lawyer."
You know, someoneonce told me that New York has more lawyers than people. WarrenBuffett (1930-)
Defendant: You know, Ihate coming out here at seven in the morning and having to sitdownstairs with a bunch of criminals. Judge: I have to do the same thing every day.
Defendant: Yeah, but you don't haveto sit down in a holding tank with 'em.
Judge: Every day I come in and I meetthe dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients. Think ofthat.
A man was on vacation when he raninto an old acquaintance. "Hello, Joe," he said. "I haven't seen you inyears. What are you doing these days?"
"I'm practicing law," whisperedJoe. "But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."
Animals aren't as stupid as peoplethink: after all, they don't have any lawyers.
[/align] [/align]
[/align]
[align=center]In honor of my sister, a public defender in NYC
[align=left]Oneday a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back,amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It wasbeautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "Howmuch?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," theshopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story." Five dollars seemedlike a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live withoutknowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered onthrough the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed withsurprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, thesewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him.Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened.Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled thebrass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands ofrats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began todrown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The oldChinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You come back for story?" he asked.The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know ifyou had a brass lawyer."
You know, someoneonce told me that New York has more lawyers than people. WarrenBuffett (1930-)
Defendant: You know, Ihate coming out here at seven in the morning and having to sitdownstairs with a bunch of criminals. Judge: I have to do the same thing every day.
Defendant: Yeah, but you don't haveto sit down in a holding tank with 'em.
Judge: Every day I come in and I meetthe dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients. Think ofthat.
A man was on vacation when he raninto an old acquaintance. "Hello, Joe," he said. "I haven't seen you inyears. What are you doing these days?"
"I'm practicing law," whisperedJoe. "But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."
Animals aren't as stupid as peoplethink: after all, they don't have any lawyers.
[/align] [/align]
ariel
Well-Known Member
Girls night out joke a friend of mine sent to me
Last night, my girl friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club
When the male dancer came over to us, one of the girls wanted to
impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill, licked the $10
and stuck it to his left butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called
the guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his right butt cheek.
In an attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a
$50 bill, called the guy over, and licked the $50 bill.
I was worried about the way things were going, but fortunately, she
just stuck the fifty to his left butt cheek again.
My relief was short-lived. The guy came over to me!!! Now everyone's
attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try to
top the $50. My brain was churning as Ireached for my wallet.
What could I do????
Fortunately, the woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped
it down his crack, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.
ariel
Well-Known Member
Deathbed Confession
Jake was dying.
His wife, Becky was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
[align=left]She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
[/align] Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush
my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky,"
he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right. Go to sleep." "No, No. I must die in peace.
Becky, I
slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
mother!"
" I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
