I am only 22, but I have the experience. I am engaged to a Greek man, GREEK so if you want to know if the saying "when you marry, you marry the whole family" is true, just come and see me and I'll let you know
I don't only have the mil to please
:?
Due to circumstances, my mil had to come live with us for some time (ok a year) when my fiance moved here. Now, keep in mind that I had just left my parents, and had worked my butt off to get this apartment. This was such a new kind of freedom for me and I simply loved being in an apartment on my own. Then comes the fiance... Anyone who has moved in with their bfs knows that that on its own is an adaptation but then we also had his mother... In a 3 1/2. Oh my :shock:
My mil is an absolute wonderful woman. However, she has a hard time with the concept of us being adults at times. She was indeed doing a bit too much shopping to my liking and would buy things that she thought were nice, or replacing some of my things. Hmmm, not so fun. At first I said nothing, but after a while it really really got on my nerves. I felt like it wasn't my house anymore. I was raging.
But then, don't expect the man to do anything without having to push him to. Lol. I think men have a really hard time stepping between their mothers and girlfriends. I do feel bad at timesnow that I look back on it that he got stuck in the middle but at the same time, I do wish he had become more involved instead of me passing off as the bad guy.
I don't think mothers want their sons to be unhappy and I do think that a lot of moms have a fear of becoming less important to their sons. I think a good way to settle things is to set boundaries. A good sincere talk with your boyfriend should go a long way. What matters most is that things between you two are good, but he should not tolerate any kind of nastiness between you and his family. You want to involve the family as much as possible in ways that won't overstep your life with the boyfriend. You have to understand that his family is important to him and his mother is probably the most important person in his life aside from you. There is no need for him to have to choose between you and his motherso try to avoid putting himin that situation. Try,as hard as it may be, to find ways to work with your mil, to find ways to include her so she feels that she really isn't losing anything and so that she can get to trust you and get to know you better.
When you succeed at winning your mil over, she becomes a great great help to you and you'll be very happy to have her. Even ifyou two never really hit it off, as long as your bf sees that you are putting in the effort, he should be putting pressure on his mother to do the same.Remember that his mother is the one who raised him and that she is very much a part of the reason he is who he is. Try to avoid causing tension over little things because it'll bite you in the rear in the longrun. It really sucks if you end up on bad terms and start hating holidays and things like that because it involves his family.
I completely understand what you are saying about wanting to choose things yourself, but if she wants to help, try to find a way to let her help. Nothing is stopping youfrom going shopping with her and trying to pick things together. You can always go back later on and get your own stuff. For example, my mil wanted to put valences in my windows. I hate valences. We wanted curtains but I disliked the material she liked. We soon startedgetting grumpy about the whole thing.However, she was making them for us and since she was sleeping in the livingroom where they'd be, I felt we could wait until we found something we all agreed on.We found it and it worked out perfectly. Sometimes it's just worth trying to negociateand compromisethings. I'm not saying to let her walk all over you, there are certain times I've had to put my foot down but, because I was lenient on other things, she knew that I didn't disregard her entirely but I had my boundaries. As much as the mil may get annoyed or give you a hard time, do remember that half the time they are secretly testing your temperament and deciding whether or not they really like you. Lol. It's not a bad thing to take pride in one's home, and it's not a bad thing to set boundaries.
Whatever you do, you need to be honest and speak up and do so when you are calm. Best of luck
