I don't normally do this, but my mind is blowing up, so I need some reassurance? or something equally as stupid?
Some people on here might know that I suffer anxiety, part of that is that I really struggle to deal with people (both in the ether and 'real life'). I struggle to go out alone, the only times I do so is to the vets or buy rabbit food. The rest of the time I go with my mum, dad or brother.
This is really long winded and confusing, sorry.
It's Christmas, and I might be about to attempt to be sociable.
I made contact with my best friend from child hood last week and met up with her on Monday. It was terrific, she is terrific, and she 'gets' me, so there's no worries there.
Me and her used to choreograph shows together when we were younger, but I left (to go to uni) and haven't seen anyone there (there beingthe company that we choreographed for)for years.
Meand her (Becky) agreed to meet up for rehearsals and stay for a drink after (this was my idea because it's the lesser of two evils, the other option being go into town on Friday night and that crippled me to even think about). That sounds a great idea for me, lots of conversation topics and stuff, I know the place, it's close, stuff like that. I told her I was scared about going in and she suggested we don't meet there, but that I pick her up, so I'm not going in alone.
I'm terrified about the other people though. This will be the first time I have seen most of them since I left uni. They are going to be asking how I am, what I'm doing, all that crap. I can't face that, how do I tell them I'm a failure as a human being, I'm signed off sick and am a psycho? If one person asks I can just talk and laugh and brush it off, but not with that many people asking one after another after another. It makes me want to bawl my eyes out and hide in my room to start with. I don't want to cancel, but I'm really scared.
The other potentially sociable thing I might be doing is meeting my group of friends from high school on Christmas Eve. I haven't seen them for three or so years and I'm immensely looking forward to it, until I actually think about it. Then I get panicky and, again, want to cancel. They don't know how ill I've been/am, they will ask, they will also ask about not working, living at home, all that stuff. These are very successful people, a trainee Lawyer, a Dietician and someone who I can't remember what she does but she organises massive works events in London for top companies. I could have been one of them, I was 6 weeks away from being a qualified teacher when my brain buckled. I'm just this total failure and I hate myself for it. I'm dreading actually going and having to admit that I'm such a failure. I can't explain the whole thing to them, the hospitals, treatments, all that, they are not the kind of people who would understand. I just have to laugh it off. that's a lot of laughing :?
I know that all sounds REALLY pathetic, but it's a really big issue to me. I don't harly go out so these two things looming over me are a big stress, not to mention the rest of stress that Christmas brings (those that have read my Flash thread might know why I'm dreading it).
I don't even know why I'm writing this, it's not like anyone can really help. I know the advice I would give to someone else, but that doesn't help, lol, I'm the queen of not taking my own advice.
God, I sound so pathetic. I'm sorry. Please be nice!
Some people on here might know that I suffer anxiety, part of that is that I really struggle to deal with people (both in the ether and 'real life'). I struggle to go out alone, the only times I do so is to the vets or buy rabbit food. The rest of the time I go with my mum, dad or brother.
This is really long winded and confusing, sorry.
It's Christmas, and I might be about to attempt to be sociable.
I made contact with my best friend from child hood last week and met up with her on Monday. It was terrific, she is terrific, and she 'gets' me, so there's no worries there.
Me and her used to choreograph shows together when we were younger, but I left (to go to uni) and haven't seen anyone there (there beingthe company that we choreographed for)for years.
Meand her (Becky) agreed to meet up for rehearsals and stay for a drink after (this was my idea because it's the lesser of two evils, the other option being go into town on Friday night and that crippled me to even think about). That sounds a great idea for me, lots of conversation topics and stuff, I know the place, it's close, stuff like that. I told her I was scared about going in and she suggested we don't meet there, but that I pick her up, so I'm not going in alone.
I'm terrified about the other people though. This will be the first time I have seen most of them since I left uni. They are going to be asking how I am, what I'm doing, all that crap. I can't face that, how do I tell them I'm a failure as a human being, I'm signed off sick and am a psycho? If one person asks I can just talk and laugh and brush it off, but not with that many people asking one after another after another. It makes me want to bawl my eyes out and hide in my room to start with. I don't want to cancel, but I'm really scared.
The other potentially sociable thing I might be doing is meeting my group of friends from high school on Christmas Eve. I haven't seen them for three or so years and I'm immensely looking forward to it, until I actually think about it. Then I get panicky and, again, want to cancel. They don't know how ill I've been/am, they will ask, they will also ask about not working, living at home, all that stuff. These are very successful people, a trainee Lawyer, a Dietician and someone who I can't remember what she does but she organises massive works events in London for top companies. I could have been one of them, I was 6 weeks away from being a qualified teacher when my brain buckled. I'm just this total failure and I hate myself for it. I'm dreading actually going and having to admit that I'm such a failure. I can't explain the whole thing to them, the hospitals, treatments, all that, they are not the kind of people who would understand. I just have to laugh it off. that's a lot of laughing :?
I know that all sounds REALLY pathetic, but it's a really big issue to me. I don't harly go out so these two things looming over me are a big stress, not to mention the rest of stress that Christmas brings (those that have read my Flash thread might know why I'm dreading it).
I don't even know why I'm writing this, it's not like anyone can really help. I know the advice I would give to someone else, but that doesn't help, lol, I'm the queen of not taking my own advice.
God, I sound so pathetic. I'm sorry. Please be nice!
