Support thread for those diagnosed as depressed

[HolyHandGrenade]

That's it. I've gotta do it. I need to talk to other people who have been diagnosed and are being medicated for depression (or who have been in the past). Why? Because this bunnypoop is killing me. I'd talk to my friends about it, but non-sufferers cannot even begin to understand how this feels, and their "helpful" assertions that I should "look on the bright side" or "go take a walk and clear my head" are frustrating. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. It's as easy for me to "look on the bright side" as it would be for a naturally cheerful person to "only see the dark side."

Here's my story: I've been suffering from depression for a decade now. My parents got divorced when I was 16, and I was ordered to start seeing a therapist for support and whatever other reasons they don't tell teenagers. I was just told I'd be going. That therapist, while unable to prescribe me anything, really felt that I was clinically depressed and needed to see a doctor who could prescribe me something to help balance me out. The divorce went through fine, and I was happy to get a break from my at the time overbearing mother, but the arguments between my parents really got to me. The cost of the therapist was often a topic, and I was told I wouldn't be seeing her anymore.

High school ended, and I continued to work. Moved out on my own when I was 20 and have been independent since. Fast forward another couple of years, and I lost my full-time temp job (long-term temp, how's that for an oxymoron?) while simultaneously failing several college classes. I had just started seeing a therapist again, because I felt little to no motivation to do anything I was supposed to. All interest in being part of the living world had left me, but I also wasn't motivated to end it all. Such an uncomfortable conundrum. I ran out of appointments that could be covered by the employee help program thing through work, and didn't have spare money to keep seeing her, so I sought help from my primary care physician. This isn't the best route, but no one else I had seen was in a position to medicate me, but they both really thought I needed it. Doc put me on Zoloft, which didn't work. We switched to Lexapro and it started to help, but I stopped taking it after I suffered the aforementioned loss of employment and had to cut costs.

Now it's almost two years later, and I've been employed part-time for 1.5 years and have crappy health benefits. I started taking Lexapro again with some help from my boyfriend, and had felt a slight improvement. I felt really bad about how much it cost, so I approached my PCP about a less expensive route. She has now switched me to Prozac (20mg) and I'm pretty sure it's not helping a whole lot...but who knows. I'm going to call her soon and tell her how miserable I am and let her decide.

Why am I starting this thread? This is a really vulnerable position to put myself in, but the truth is, my need to talk to other people with this problem is bigger than my ego at this point. I feel like I'm dying. Actually, I feel like nothing. I got a speeding ticket last night and I'm not even upset, but I acknowledge that I should be at least a little mad, or pissed at myself for being stupid, or SOMETHING. I feel NOTHING. I barely eat anything when I'm home alone, because I just don't want to. I don't care about myself. I eat enough to keep moving and keep the headaches away, and drink plenty of water because that's easy to get, but when I run out of certain easy things to grab and eat without any preparation, I just...snack. It's really counter-productive, too, because I really really really need to gain weight. I'm not anorexic, I'm just lazy. Is Lazy an eating disorder? It is in my life. Generally, I do feel motivated to get up and make something to eat when my boyfriend gets home. It's not even to keep up appearances, or anything...it's because I finally feel like doing it. i can't even explain why, I just don't take care of myself when no one's looking.

This is all just off-the-cuff, so I hope it's not totally weirding anyone out. I just need to reach out and make contact with people who KNOW what I'm going through, whether you still are, or you made it out alive. I really DON'T want anyone coming in here to spew sunshine all over it and say cheer up, if they've never been through it. I do totally appreciate support in my battle.

Thanks in advance. I'll be back around later. It's time for me to suit up for work and snuggle with Monty before I go.

 

[kaosu]

Im not Diagnosed...im afraid of the stigma that that word puts on me sadly.

me and my fiance both deal with it..and have struggled with it for many years, but together we worth threw it and help each other.

I feel you on the no one understanding Its hard my mother always used to tell me " everyone gets down from time to time" but it was much worse than that.
Its a struggle for us with no medical coverage what so ever (and many medical problems with the fiance )..but we manage Its a struggle every day and sometimes we drag each other down in to that horrible spiral..no rosy and sunshine advice here other than I know what your going threw and face that struggle daily.

 

[PaGal]

I was diagnosed when I was a teen. I went through my parents getting divorced among other things. I know with the depression though that there does not have to be any thing really wrong going on for it to become overwhelming. I think that is the one thing people that haven't gone through this just do not understand.

For a typical person they will get down when there are larger issues going on in their lives. They will feel better once the problem has passed, they've fixed the problem or they have at least had some time to adjust to the problem. Because of this they can look on the bright side.

For people with depression it is a whole other ball game. Things can be fine, even good and yet you get depressed and feel hopeless, you don't have the energy to care about such mundane things as eating a well balanced meal or three meals a day because just struggling through what you absolutely have to on a daily basis takes what little energy you have because all of your energy, even energy you really don't have is used in trying to cope with the depression.

I am more than willing to discuss this with you, to share my experience or to just listen if you need it.

I do truly mean that. I mean what I say and I say what I mean! (I know, pathetic. But it may make someone else smile.)

 

[kaosu]

Iv delt with depression all threw high school and now in to my late 20s ..my child hood despite my mothers efforts was..pretty traumatic (same for the fiance )..I hid it from my family for years though my other recently confessed she knew for the most part.

It is daily struggle only made harder for us by mounting medical bills with no real outcome, lack of money and support and all the comes with that mess.

Thank you for the offer I return it in kind ^_^

we deal..our hobbies keep up sane as well as each other, at least we know and understand the process of it but that does not make it any easier.

 

[HarvesterofPearls]

I was diagnosed this last year but have suffered depression since I was very young (for no determinable reason). I only started going to counselling after my parents discovered that I had s.h tendency's and panic attacks... Now taking meds for those things and gonna train Lacey for therepy.
I am thankful to have found this thread actually and think it may do some good.

 

[HolyHandGrenade]

Hey all,
Thanks for joining in. I had a pretty miserable day today, and I can't even define WHY. Nothing bad happened. I was a little hungry, but once I got to take my lunch at work I was okay, except then my back started to hurt. That shouldn't have made me feel like I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum, but seriously everything that happened tonight at work, every stupid customer, every item I found in the wrong place, made me feel like that. I can't even cry it out, the tears won't come. The one thing I was looking forward to tonight was coming home to read this thread.

I snacked on some gfree cookies, snuggled with Monty for ten minutes, and said goodnight to my sweetie. Everyone else is asleep now...but I'm not ready to yet. I've felt weird about sleep this past week or so. If I go to bed at a decent time, like now, then I still would rather roll over and try to sleep more when I wake up at 7, 8, or 9am, but then I feel like such a loser for sleeping close to 10 hours. I haven't felt like getting up any time before 9 or 10 because then it's just overwhelming that I have so much "day" to have to fill with something, because lately I've passed the time by totally not realizing it's passing. At least the weird and disturbing dreams are giving me a break. I had very strange and disturbing ones when I was taking Lexapro, but they've tapered off a bit since I switched to Prozac.

Where does time go?

Thoughts about tomorrow, when I don't have to work:
I want to start a crochet project.
I need to sew a sample for work, and kind of want to as well. I cut out the pieces at work tonight so the hard part is done.
I have this beautiful baby quilt I've been stalling on finishing because I've never actually done the quilting by machine before, but the quilt top is pieced and the layers are all basted together. The little girl it's for turned 1 in February ...and I started it a week after I got word of her birth and adoption. Oops.
The fishtank really needs a water change, or at least some additional water so it's not so splashy sounding.
Aaaand I need to water all of my plants. Maybe I'll trim some of the bigger leaves from the greens to present to Monty. The nice thing about growing greens on your windowsill (inside) is that they don't have a chance to get dirty, so no washing!

Maybe this will be a good thing for me to do every night...list some things that I'd like to do the next day where other people can see it, so maybe I'll feel more accountable for them and get some done!

Good night

 

[BunnyLove89]

Hey there, I'm Jen. I can definitely relate to your thread, and I think we're around the same age (I'm turning 24 in August), and I lived right outside of Chicago up until 2010... Anyway lol.
I got diagnosed with depression and bipolar when I was 15 and then at 17 they added OCD, anxiety, and PTSD. I've been medicated since then. I'm on Seroquel, Gabapentin, and Prozac. I've gone through a lot in my life. Abusive boyfriends, terminally ill dad, my mom had open heart surgery, my brother died when I was 16, my other brother was abusive (he has severe mental illness) and he has been in jail a few times...among other things. I was hospitalized twice for threatening/attempting suicide and hurting myself. It got pretty bad.
My meds were constantly changing up until about 8ish months ago. For a few years I self medicated with drugs and alcohol. I thought I was never going to feel better and the doctors were never going to get my meds right so I took matters into my own hands (which I don't recommend because it definitely added to my problems). I still struggle a bit with alcohol but I've kicked the drugs and I haven't hurt myself or considered suicide in about a year and a half. I'm actually the happiest I've ever been. I never thought things would get better and I would get so angry hearing the same generic advice over and over again.
I'm sure I'll have bad times again but I am confident that I will get through it.
Sorry for rambling, I just wanted to share some of my experience and let you know that if you ever want to talk, I am more than willing to listen. :feelbetter:

 

[HolyHandGrenade]

Hey, this thread is totally the place for rambling Jen! Thanks for sharing.

It's been an up and down couple of days for me. I made some progress on the baby quilt I've been working on, so that feels great. Unfortunately, now it's just hot outside and my air conditioners aren't set up yet so I'm too hot to keep sewing

I don't even have it in me to keep complaining, how bad is that? I'm gonna post some more pics of Monty on IG now.

 

[kaosu]

sorry I have not posted...kinda went down hill my self due to some issues with life..does not help that we have been trying for a baby for over a year and nothing is coming of it..

frustrating and sad but we are coping! ..all the animals really help and who can be sad with a bunny and a dog running around you looking to play..and if you sit down cats pile on top of you purring so loud its hard to be distracted ..I would be lost with out my animals <3

just wanted to check in on this thread and let you know im still here!!!! keep posting..sometimes i find its easier to cope if you just throw it out there to people.

 

[TinysMom]

First of all, as I'm sure you can see by the replies on this thread - you are not alone. I know that when I'm in a bout of depression I FEEL alone - but the fact of the matter is that many people suffer- sometime in silence - sometimes not. But what you are experiencing needs to be acknowledged and somehow worked on.

I've 52 years old and struggled with depression off and on since I was 10 or 12. When I finally saw a counselor a few years ago, she helped me understand a lot about depression and a lot of it (but not all of it) lifted when she helped me understand one part of why I was depressed.

One of the things that she told me and that has helped me more than I can ever explain - is to look at depression like someone who has high blood pressure or diabetes or some sort of "more obvious" physical problem that people can recognize and connect with. The fact of the matter is - depression is going to be a part of my life - for the rest of my life. I have clinical depression that runs in cycles. I have my good times and my bad times.

Depression is much like fibromyalgia (sp?) in the fact that people can't SEE why you are hurting or having a bad day - so they don't understand. Just because they can't see the pain - doesn't mean it isn't there.

So...here are some of the things I've learned and apply to myself when depression hits....instead of reading them and saying "that won't work for me" - ask yourself 'what could I replace this with?"

My "tools" for fighting depression:

1. "Depression Day!" - If I really can't take it - I give myself ONE and ONLY ONE "free day" to stay in bed - sleep - read- cry - watch tv - do whatever. I don't have to get up if I don't want to - or I can if I want to. I find that sometimes I'm just physically tired and I need the rest.

HOWEVER - the next day (and following days) - I MUST get up and do THREE things...can be almost any three things- for instance - I must get up and shower...and I must make the bed and I must load the dishwasher (I decide that day with my husband what those three things will be). For the rest of th day - every once in a while I will try to do some small things in groups of three - maybe 3 things every 2 hours so I don't completely give into depression.

2. Take a good multivitamin and drink LOTS of water. I not only struggle with depression but I struggle with anemia too. Lately I've added some protein drinks to my diet and I've noticed that I can be feeling lousy - drink a protein drink and suddenly start to feel better. I think that is because depression makes me not want to eat - but my body needs the food, etc.

Speaking of food - whether you want to eat or not - eat or drink something every 2-4 hours while you're up. I'm serious about this - keep putting fuel into your body. I don't care if it is just a cup of yogurt...or a piece of fruit. I find that breads and sweets and stuff make the depression worse...but even just a strawberry or two will start to lift my mood and my blood sugar.

3. Keep a gratitude journal - every night - write 3-5 things in it that were good (or at least NOT bad) about the day.

4. Get on meds - I can not stress this highly enough. My daughter probably needs a new prescription for her meds cause she's been on the same dose for years. She has no job and is not on our insurance - so I buy her meds online.

Ask the doctor if he can give you samples - explain your financial situation. I think there are some pharmaceutical companies that have programs where you can get their meds for free or discounted price due to low income or no job.

5. Go outdoors every day - for at least 10 minutes. Your body needs the sunshine and my family notices a BIG difference in me when I've sat outside for a few minutes.

6. Become your own support system. There was one point in my life that I played instrumental hymns and praise and worship music every night as I went to bed (conservative Christian who grew up on that music). I would be sleeping while the music played - but I know it somehow helped me and I would wake up with a smile.

The same thing with what you read- what cheers you up? Personally, I prefer scripture and to meditate on it - you might need to get daily emails from the various cat sites or angry bunnies or whatever.

I hope these ideas help you. I just got set up to see my counselor again starting June 14th. I have a lot of issues to work through and I think I have a handle on what they are now. The last 18 months have taken a lot of me - out of my marriage - etc - and I need help.

But I'm willing to get it.

I hope you can get some help too!

 

[HolyHandGrenade]

I'm absolutely shaking right now. Having a major fund shortage thanks to part time work and full time bills, and my car got booted today. Can't get to work, don't have money to get the boot off, and they won't take a payment over the phone from someone other than me. work is mad that i can't get there, i'm mad that i'm so stupid, and i feel so incredibly stupid. on top of that, i was supposed to go pick up my prescription today. anyone got an extra hole around that i can crawl into and die? not even motivated to dig my own. I feel stupid for even posting this, but i can't put it on facebook for them to gossip amongst themselves about. it's really hard not to self-harm right now.

 

[kmaben]

:hearts *Hugs*

 

[curiouscarrot]

Hang in there, HolyHandGrenade. If I lived over there, I'd come over and drive you to work You will get your car paroled, work will get over it (these things happen) and another day will be better. I'm sorry you're having a bad time at the moment.

 

[kmaben]

I never understood the boot thing. Obviously your struggeling to pay something so how is putting a boot on the only way to get to your source of income a good idea? What color is the sky in their world? Derkas

 

[curiouscarrot]

Oh, I thought it was something to do with parking in the wrong spot....

 

[HolyHandGrenade]

thanks, guys. I'm keeping myself busy rather than remain a whimpering puddle on the couch. I finally got some shelf brackets yesterday to replace the ones I bought and misplaced over a year ago. Ran into a stopping point because I don't have the right hardware to sink into the wall securely, but everything is marked and waiting. now i'm going to straighten some stuff out...hopefully if I keep moving I won't feel quite as bad. I watered all of my dirt babies this morning and clipped some leaves off to feed to Monty. She really likes the homegrown noms

 

[HolyHandGrenade]

Yeah, the city i live in demands that every car registered here has a city sticker on it. They run my plates periodically and hit me with a ticket for having an expired city sticker. I have to park a block away on a different street because the street i live on is also a special permit zone. I try my best to avoid the tickets, but they probably made note of my car and hit it when they feel like it. I just got 3 new tickets last week, after none for over a month! Tell me that wasn't deliberate. When a certain number of tickets pile up, they're allowed to boot the car. I don't have money for any of this...if i did, I'd have the proper sticker on my car!!! All of my money goes to my car payment (which is late) and my insurance right now, so I can't really cut back. sigh.

 

[curiouscarrot]

goes to my car payment (which is late) and my insurance right now, so I can't really cut back. sigh.

Have you rung them up and asked for additional time to pay? That would take some of the pressure off.

 

[HolyHandGrenade]

no, I'll just get later and later. I just don't make enough money to be able to catch up at the moment. I'm working on a solution, I just don't have a "right now" answer for the places that want my money.

 

[curiouscarrot]

It's best to communicate with them. They want their money. If they need to rejig things to get it later rather than sooner, they will usually do it. Defaults cost them money, they will try to avoid it. Have you got some free debt counselling services in your area? The Salvation Army has them. They can liaise on your behalf to get you some debt relief.