Something is up...

[JAK Rabbitry]

So my boyfriend came hoem from work earlytoday....and brought me a dozen red roses. Already cut and in a glassvase with a silver bow on the front. Also i'm beaing treated to dinnerat ''someplace we don't usually go'' and a movie.

He always does nice stuff for me.... the other day be brought me homesome of my favorite tea, just to be nice. He does little things likethat. Buth e's been on me to make sure I 'keepy friday night'' open.And I have....

All this though....its just kidn of out of the ordinary. I'm gettin' one of those vibes...like something is up.

I would think he was goign to propose or something, but he's alreadydone that....many times...and failed miserably....I just got tired ofsaying no and finally just said ''ok i'll marry you'. Though therewasn't really a proposal. And geez, no ring! That always kind of upsetme. That it was less than romantic and dull and a lot of bad thignsassociated with soemthing I always wanted to happen and be all nice andsappy and stuff, y'know?

The first time he proposed....he fricking....gave it away! Isn't itsupposed to be kind of a surprise? He told me right before he did whathe was up to. And that upset me but I didn't let him on to it. Then westood there in silence for like 10 minutes. And then he asked me what Iwanted to do. Like I'm supposedto walk him through the process! Nocreativity! If I wanted to propose to myself I would have. Hestarted to recite a poem he wrote for me....which he forgot after twolines. And then presented me with a ring...totally not my style (heasked me what my taste in rings was). It was silver with a silver roseon it (the rose is a meaningful thing that goes way back). No gemsthough, it was overall....just...not an engagement ring. HE later toldme he paid $10 for it.

No, I don't have a taste for fancy expensive thigns and he knows it,he's the same way. But geez...$10 leads me to believe....you can't beserious.

I went alon with it anyways....because I really did love him. (stilldo!). and I said yes, even though I was heartbroken anddisappointed. Later, my perants were upset that I wanted toget married. Erron said he would call them and talk to them (he livedin san Diego at the time) and later mum comes and tells me she thinkswe made a good decision. And I was lke ''huh?'' and I guess Erron toldher we weren't getting married? Where was I when he made thisdecision!? I was hurt and it spurred an argument. HE said he hadn'ttold my mum that, mum said he did. blah blah blah. He then said if i'mgoign to ebthat way then it's off. And he called off our engagement.Which he later said he didn't. So much confusion. But I was hurt thathe said that, because of all the promises he made me. And how whenthigns were bad and the world against us, he would tell me '' we'regetting marriedt his summer, no matter what''. That was last summer. Hehad NEVER broken a promise to me before. I was in pieces again.

I told him I had gone through all this trouble and garbage with myperants being nasty to me for making such a decision, and I had poitelyalways told them, i'm sorry you feel that way but this is how it'sgoign to be. And I stood up for us. And now it wasn't happening. I feltlike I had wasted all that for nothing. I todl him I wasn't goingthrough all of that again just to look like a fool again. So if hewantedto rally marry me, he was goign to have to make it right with myfamily.

He asked me to marry him again. Basically we were lying in bed, and herolled over, and asked me. I declined. WTF kind of proposal is that? Healso hadn't spoken to my perants. I felt like he was really letting medown. Why do I have to hold his hand through this all the time? Thisisn't that difficult! It's not brain surgery! ITs not even sudoku! Ifit were sudoku, (that stupid box puzzle with the numbers) It would belike me writing in all the correct numbers but one and leaving him toit. I feel like i'm always leading him on, tellin him where to go. I'vesince stopped.

Then one night we were talking about rings again and fun stuff and whathe liked (he does NOT wear jewelry so I had to get SOME clue). And hespilled the beans. and told me he bought me an engagement ring. WTF youdon't TELL someone that!!! WHY!? Why is my man so dumb sometimes!?!?He's perfect in every way but sometimes he's just so so sodduummmmmbbbb!!! I pretty much was so angry I wanted to vomit and Ileft hte house int he middle of the night right then and there jsut toget away from him. I couldn't belive I had been lying next tohim. He chased me and appologzed a million times but how doesthat fix anything? I felt like a decent proposal and eerything tofollow would just NEVER happen. IT still hasn't, over a year later. HEhad describedt he ring to me and I told him he'd BETTER return it and Ihope they had a refund policy. He solemnly told me it wasn't aproblem...

Than last august, on my birthday, he took me out to breakfast and toldEat N Park it was my birthday and they gave me a cookie and sang me asong and he bought me an oreo bliss sundea that I requested but didn'teat. He joked with em about it. He's never angry with me, I love that.Then he took me to Petsmart and let me get anything I wanted for mybunnies and I got shiny white feeders and colorful waterbottles and funstuff! Then I had to go to work, and when Ig ot there, my boss wasthere (highly unusual since he had to travel the eastern US to keep allhis employees in check and spread that word about the company, Iusualyl work solely on my own) and he gave me a coupon for $10 off andI was like yay. Then I worked and Erron picked me up and myfamily all went to dinner at Lonestar and I got a big steak and mumspilledt he beans and I got sang to again and more ice cream. TheneRron took me to the barn to look after my horse and as we were leavingI went to turn the light off and Erron coems up behind me and is like''Jesse..." andI turn around and he's on one knee and pulls out a ringans asks me again. Th ring is exactly what he described to me. And isugly. And obviously totally not something I would wear. And whoproposes at a barn!? geez. It wouldn't've been that bad if he hadn'tblown it with the ring thingy again.

Whyyyyyy again...might I ask....is he so dumb? He means well...and isseriously in pieces over these mistakes he has made...what gets meis...why does he make them in the first place!?

Well after that I was just plain tired of waiting and I told him Iwasn't wearing that ring but fine i'll marry him. Because I did stillreally want to. Everything else is absolutely perfect except when itcomes to this darn proposing thing. It just turns me off from the ideaof marriage so much that I say no when he fudges up. I do not feelcompelled to reward his stupidity. But I wasn't waiting another 10years for my dum dum to figure it out. I love him and I told him Iwould.

Out date is set for end of June-Mid of July this year. A few days laterat work, he came to visit me on my lunch break and said ''here I buoghtyou something''. It was a ring. An acutal ring that didn't costanywhere in the $10-$20 range, as the last ones had. It hasemeralds and tiny diamonds on it and is silver and inset (so it doesn'tcatch on everything!) and its just...totally a Jesse ring. But thoughit's perfect and beautiful I HATE wearing it. It has absolutely NOmeaning to me. Which it should....shouldn't it? I look at it and it 'sjust a ring on my finger. There's nothing behind it. just nothing. Ihate wearing it and I even took it off for a long time but I put itback on when Grammy said something like, I still had time to do thisand that because I didn't even have a ring yet. I don't liek to talk tomy family about any relationship problems I have because of the rottenadvice and assumptions they make. so I just put that blasted thing backon.

If he were to propose to me again, it would mean absolutely nothing tome. Ia lreayd have a stupid ring. I already said yes. There isabsolutely no poin whatsoever in it. And it wouldn't make me feelbetter. And I told him this.

I've spoken to his best and closest friends about this and they toothink he's been a moron. But I made sure that they know not to tell himwhat to do. I can't really think of how he can make the situationbetter. It might have been nice if....when my ring was off and layingon his keyboard...if he maybe coul have gotten something significantengraved on it and proposed again. That might have been nice. But I'venot told ANYONE that because I know he couldn't possibly think of it onhis own, and if he had I would know someone would havet old him, andthat he hadn't done it because he really thought of it to do for me.

I'm so split. I am goign to marry him, no matter what. I can't base amarriage on hos good (or lack there of) a proposal is. I don't know ifI really even care about getting oen anymore....but all the crap that'salready happeend just gets me down like you would not believe.Especially when there's a LOT of people around me telling me they justgot engaged and how perfect everything was and how happy everyone wasfor them.

oh no i'm crying now....crap.

And I think about how stupid and difficult everything was for me....How hardly anyone supported me...and no one could be happy for me. Iwas overflooding with happiness and I couldnt' tell ANYBODY. My familyjsut turned away and lectured me. I wanted their support andtheir love and I didn't have it. All I had was my Erron. And he let medown and left me there alone when he broke off our engagement. I hadnever trusted anyone as much as I do him. And for a lon time thatreally messed up my mind. Think of one of those people in a mentalhospital that sit in the corner and mumble about things and don't alkto anyone. For many many months...that was me. I ended up in a bipolarstudy and was constantly having bloodwork done and was on sooo manydrugs (lithium! ARGH) for so many things, I was suicidal and I criedpretty much constantly. I stopped goign to school and nearly failed mysenior year. I jsut gave up on life, on everything and Iw asn't myselffor a long long time. I wouldn't see anyone or talk to my friends. Iwanted to die alone right then and there. Erron packed up his thingsand moved 2,700 miles to live and be with me for a year. And it got alittle better for a while...and then he left again to take a better jobin San Diego that was offered to him. He had had no luck getting a jobout here. he hoped to save up al ot of money for us and he did....buthe was away. He's since moved back here with me and said he should havebeen here all along, and it shouldn't've been about the money. Eitehrway, I supported him.

So here I am. in this mess. I'm so upset and depressed aboutthe whole ordeal, but at the same time, I'm so hapyp to have a man thatcares for me so much and does things for me, who protects me and lovesme and loves to do things for me tell all his friends how great I amand mkes me feel good about being me. I can be dirty with messy hairand a cold and runny nose, covered in bunny hair and hay....and allt hetime...every night....he stops to tell me how beautiful I am. Yes, Istill want to be with him..... but everything i've gone through andeverything I hoped to have....theres an empty space there that stillreally hurts. He knows I still hurt, because we're very open with eachother and I tell all. He still wants to fix that, but its been months.And no attempt has even been made. His friends say he's still workingon it...and sometimes they'll Im me and ask me if he's done anythingyet....and I always say no.

I'm sorry this has turned out to be so long and boring and stupid. Ididn't plan for it to end up as a rant....but I've had NOBODY totalkto. I thuoght my closest friends would listen. But I had 4 people in arow blow me off completely when I really really needed to talk. Andthat hurt even more and just shut me up for the last 2 months. This issomething I really can't talk to Erron about, I siad I wasn't goign tohold his hand anymore. And when I have no one to talk to....I jsut gobonkers.

God, I need somebody...anybody... I'm goign to collapse. The stress! Icoudlnt' make it through a day of work without crying....not through aday of my life without seeing some ad for wedding cakes and rings,everything reminds me of it constantly, always sad. I even lost my jobright after xmas. Erron's been paying my horse board, and for bunnyfood...and still goes out of his way for me. He's never complained buttells me every day he loves me and its ok. I can't leach off of people,I hate it. I feel like an awful person.

Anyone lend a hand? Soem advice? Tell me something nice?

:bigtears::cry4::nerves1:bawl::nope:

 

[missyscove]

Wow, that was long. Obviously, I'monly a 16 year old, I don't really know all that much about these kindsof things, but it sounds like you've really found someone special,someone who can deal you, no matter what you do. From mylimited life experience, that really is someone special.

As far as the proposal thing, it sounds like he really is trying, butjust dosn't know what it is you're looking for. Since itsounds like you like your ring, maybe you could decide togethersomething to have engraved on it, to make it have more meaning toyou.

Good luck. It's good to get it all out.

 

[maherwoman]

Oh, Sweetie...I hurt for you. I've been in your shoes...

I'm currently married to the man of my dreams, and by no small miracle,I can tell you! I grew up with the family from hell...alwaysputting me down, insulting me, making me feel like dirt (and I don'tsay this lightly...they really were aweful to me). They wouldkeep me from being happy all the time.

When I met my Danny, I got NO support whatsoever from myfamily. Not like it was any different of a reaction thanthey'd had with any other relationship I'd had...but this was the loveof my life...the man I KNEW was meant for me! They justwouldn't say they were happy for me...and even refused to come to thewedding (I have two sisters, and only one showed...my father did walkme down the aisle, because he's the only one that cares about me, butmy mother wasn't invited, and thus didn't show...and wasn't invited dueto some horrible things she did to try to break up me and mynow-husband). It was all so aweful!!

Not to mention, my husband proposed when both of us least expectedit! We were in the middle of an argument, and I was cryingand all upset (I don't even remember what the argument was about), andit just popped out!! LITERALLY...neither of us expectedit. It really was NOT my dream proposal...

Anyway, fast forward to four months before the wedding...and I had tosay goodbye to my best friend of eleven years due to her being hookedon drugs and being horrible to me and my family (LONG story...but itwas definitely time to say goodbye...we tried SO many times to try tohelp her, but she didn't want it, and treated me like scum inreturn). She was also my maid-of-honor, but had (as I'm surewould be expected for someone like that) done NOTHING to help me withthe wedding. So, I was then forced to ask a person that Ididn't hardly even consider a friend to be my maid-of-honor (though Ihad no choice...my other bridesmaid lived two hours from me).

BAD decision. By the time the wedding had occurred, I hadreceived NO Bridal Shower, but instead a Girls' Night Out at a poolhall (pool is not something I do...it was something SHE does), whichonly my aunt was able to attend, due to her inviting people the WEEKENDbefore that Saturday. It was okay...but I still cry to thisday that no one cared enough to throw a bridal shower for me.

I had to do nearly everything for the wedding by myself...with no helpfrom my maid-of-honor (which is what their main job is...helping thebride out). Not to mention, she LOST my bouquet after thewedding (which I'd EXPLICITELY asked her to keep track of because I'dplanned on drying it and keeping it).

And, to top it all off, we would up getting evicted from our apartmenta few months after our wedding, and lost most of our belongings,including EVERYTHING from our wedding...my dress, most of our gifts,all of the cameras from the wedding (I still haven't seen a SINGLEpicture from the wedding), our guestbook, cake cutting set, champagne(or in our case sparkling cider) glasses...EVERYTHING.

Needless to say, our wedding was just a comedy of errors...and to thisday, I cry about losing so much, and about not having that bridalshower, etc.

BUT...and this is the most important thing I can tell you...I forcemyself to focus on my husband and the fact that our marriage isn'tdefined by that stupid proposal, or the MANY mistakes on and after thewedding. It's about US. It's about creating ourrelationship anew each and every day (a relationship doesn't exist ifyou don't create it, and continue to create on it). It'sabout the beauty that exists when two people come together and createthe perfect pair.

No, your marriage won't be completely perfect, persay...because we livein a flawed world in general, I'm sorry to say. BUT...it'sthe job of each and every person on this planet to do their best tokeep things wonderful.

Most importantly...remember to communicate...it is the most importantthing in a relationship. If you are hurt, or upset, or arehaving an argument with one another...remember that communication isthe universal solvant. It could just be something as simpleas his intentions being the same as yours, but one of the two of youhaving miscommunicated something to each other.

But, in the end run, though it's hard to remember when you're in themiddle of the situation...this will all be water under thebridge one day. Your relationship isn't defined byformalities...and, though I know we all have a whole scenerio in ourminds about things like this that we've had since we were little girls,and though I know what I'll say next is hard to do...you do have toremember that he is a man. And, though it doesn't apply toevery man, you have to remember that this is all new to him, and hedoesn't have a clue how to proceed.

I know it doesn't seem like it, when so many things go wrong ordumb...but he's trying SO HARD to make you happy. I'm sure inhis mind, proposing in the barn was something you'd like, since you'rean animal lover, and it's a natural setting. And it soundslike he's just so dang nervous and excited, he can't contain hisplans! (And I think that's adorable, btw...hehe!)

I'm not saying you're wrong for being hurt...quite the contrary...Iknow EXACTLY how you feel!! I had one let-down after anotherwith our wedding...but when the day was done, we were happy to bemarried at long last...and happy that we didn't have to think about itanymore.

Like I've said, I still think about those things, and they still bringtears to my eyes (literally, even as I type all this)...but it wassomething I just had to learn to let go of. If I didn't, itwould have eventually completely ruined our relationship...and comparedto my relationship, those things were so much less important.Does that make sense?

So, Hun...try to relax. I know it's hard...and I know how you feel...and I am totally here for you, ok?

Feel free to write me when you want, ok?

Love and hugs,

Rosie*

P.S. I know it sounds completely un-romantic, but given thatyour man sounds completely challenged in the romantic department, youmight try communicating to him EXACTLY what you'd like in yourproposal...the WHOLE scene. Just buck it up and tell him thewhole scenerio...then MAKE yourself forget you told him.Trust me, from one woman with a romantically challenged man toanother...it's rough, but if you want it that way, you'll have to justtell him. I wanted a pair of diamond stud earrings forChristmas a few years ago...found the exact pair, emailed them to him,etc...and just THIS YEAR finally got them because I just sat down,opened the page, showed him the price, and said, "If you're ever goingto give these dang things to me, you've got to buy them NOW."So he did. I know...completely unromantic...but I've had todo that with lots of things, hehe! Every gift-buying holiday,I have to tell him (detailed) what I would like, or he just has NOIDEA...these goofy men!! :rofl:

 

[Bassetluv]

(((Jesse)))

I read through your post rather quickly, so if I've mixed anything upplease forgive me. Not so sure I have any great words of advice orsuggestions, but I did want to let you know that what you wrote wasn'tboring or stupid. You've reached out to friends for help, as it soundslike you are really hurting.

What I wanted to ask you was, are you upset mainly because you didn'tget the type of marriage proposal you had dreamed of, along with a ringthat you would have loved with that proposal? Or is there somethingelse underlying it all that is upsetting you? If it does have to dowith the proposal itself, then ask yourself why it is bothering you soimmensely. Do you feel that Erron doesn't love you enough to care aboutgiving you a more romantic proposal?

From what I've read here, my interpretation is that you perhaps areconcerned that Erron doesn't love you enough to go that extra mile. Insome ways I can understand why you would be upset over receiving a ringthat has very little material value, or that his first couple ofproposals weren't exactly well thought out. But what I would suggest isthat you look less at these things in particular, and look deeper athow you believe he feels about you. Do you believe that he loves youdeeply? Do you believe that he truly does want to marry you? And if youdo believe this, are you willing to accept that he may always be lessthan perfect to you when it comes to romantic or thoughtful gestures?

Overall, I tend to believe that a partnership - be it marriage orsimply sharing lives together - is first and foremost based upon love,respect, and trust...both toward one's partner and toward onesself. Allthe rest of it...the conflicts over who does the dishes, who takes outthe trash, how elegant or lame gifts are to each other...tends to beminor issues, so long as one doesn't place too much value on them, oruse them to measure depth of love. And one more thing that I alsobelieve is foremost in a partnership...the ability to communicate withone another in a way that doesn't threaten, accuse, or otherwise hurtthe other. If there are matters such as this, where you feel cheated orhurt because of the way Erron has handled marriage proposal, then Ithink you need to talk to him about it in a manner that won't put himon the defensive. Let him know that you're feeling hurt, or upset, orwhatever it is you're feeling, and tell him why...but don't sayanything like, "You did XXX..." or "You didn't XXX..." Tell him whatyou wrote here: "I'm so hapyp to have a man that cares for me somuch and does things for me, who protects me and loves me and loves todo things for me tell all his friends how great I am and mkes me feelgood about being me. I can be dirty with messy hair and a cold andrunny nose, covered in bunny hair and hay....and allt he time...everynight....he stops to tell me how beautiful I am." Yet also try toexplain to him why you feel so hurt. And on the same token, I thinksomething else might need to be addressed. Ask him if he has anyhesitations or doubts. It could be possible that his fumbling throughthese proposals was caused by fear...as many people have been known toget extremely worked up or nervous over the idea of marriage...even ifthey know deep down that it's exactly what they do want. It's a largestep in someone's life, so underlying fear may possibly be present.

Ask yourself what matters to you most...then be open and honest withErron about your feelings - good, bad, and ugly - and ask him to be thesame with you. But in your conversation with him, don't get caught upin telling him what you feel he did wrong. Decide what it is you willbe able to live with in terms of Erron's manners and methods, and whatyou know will bother you. There might be some things that both of youwill need to work on, as well as some things both of you may need tocompromise upon...but communicate with one another openly, gently, andlovingly.

I'm not sure if my post has made a whole lot of sense...:?

 

[Bassetluv]

LOL...Rosie, I just read your post. Your wedding sounded very much like my own, a huge comedy of errors!

 

[TinysMom]

I wish I knew what to say. My son just proposedto his girlfriend on Monday night. He had no ring....he was visitingher in Wisconsin (we live in TX) and he was there for two weeks to meether family and let them get to know him, etc.

After she said "yes" - which everyone knew she would do....they went toWalmart because he wanted to see what she liked in rings. They lookedat various ones and finally - she took his left hand where he's wornhis "purity" ring for 7 or 8 years now and said, "Eric.....this is thering that matters the most to me."

He bought her a chain and she wears it around her neck...for now. Hesays he is going to get her a ring (and I know of one he had picked outand thought about buying to give her when she's here over springbreak...when he originally had planned on proposing).

Anyway - here is what she wrote in her blog...as her future mom-in-love - it really touched me so much.

Thursday, January 11, 2007"big news"? Yep. It happened. Monday night, Eric proposed to me. AndI said yes. So... now we're engaged, and trying to figure out when wecan get married... it's kind of looking like it will be at some pointbetween this August, and May/June 2008...

One thing that's funny about how he proposed to me, is that he didn'thave a ring for me. When he left home to visit me, he hadn't consideredit to be a reality that he could propose to me while he was visiting...And I sure didn't expect it!... I knew that that question would becoming eventually... and I knew what my answer for him would be when itdid- yes!. So, when he proposed to me, and I said yes, he wanted totake me to Wal-Mart to look at rings... and began showing some of themto me... "Is this one good?" he asked me. "Is this one goodenough?".... I felt kind of awkward saying what I thought- because itwas for an engagement ring, after all... and isn't the guy supposed toalready have that one?

I finally said, "ok.." I took his hand- his left hand that had hispurity/chastity ring on it..... "THIS one is good enough for me." Itold him. And so... it's the one I have. His "true love waits" ring, isnow on a silver chain round my neck. (because it's two sizes too bigfor my fingers. ) But I like it. It is special to me... and even ifit isn't a traditional engagement ring on my finger... it's specialanyway. And... he says it's temporary... though at this point, I don'tknow if I care if it is or not- I like this one. I guess I'msentimental.

Anyway, I guess probably the only thing I can say to you is thatmen are wired differently then women. Many times they want to please usand they try but they don't know how. So we have a choice to forgivethem when they don't meet our expectations and move on and love themanyway.....or give in to how we feel because we didn't get our needsmet or what we'd always dreamed of.

I love the scripture that says:

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things & endures all things."

It reminds me that even though my husband of 27 years lets me downsometimes - I am going to continue to believe in him - and even thoughI let him down - he will believe in me.

It sounds like your boyfriend's heart is in the right place. He doesn't understand how women feel....but at lesat he is trying.

And I'm sorry for sort of hijacking the thread about my son'sengagement - but I'm just so psyched. I've prayed for 16 years forwhoever would be Eric's future wife.....and now to know who sheis....WOW.

Peg

 

[JAK Rabbitry]

P.S. I know it sounds completely un-romantic, but given thatyour man sounds completely challenged in the romantic department, youmight try communicating to him EXACTLY what you'd like in yourproposal...the WHOLE scene. Just buck it up and tell him thewhole scenerio...then MAKE yourself forget you told him.Trust me, from one woman with a romantically challenged man toanother...it's rough, but if you want it that way, you'll have to justtell him. I wanted a pair of diamond stud earrings forChristmas a few years ago...found the exact pair, emailed them to him,etc...and just THIS YEAR finally got them because I just sat down,opened the page, showed him the price, and said, "If you're ever goingto give these dang things to me, you've got to buy them NOW."So he did. I know...completely unromantic...but I've had todo that with lots of things, hehe! Every gift-buying holiday,I have to tell him (detailed) what I would like, or he just has NOIDEA...these goofy men!! :rofl:










I'm sorry all this garbage has happened to you too, it really shouldn'thappen at all. I'm glad you udnerstand though. I was worried aboutrecieinv gmore lectures from people. I really hate the ''you're tooyoung'' one. The way I see it, you're as old as you feel. That whateveryone says. I haven't ever had one person tell me i'm immature. Imay be 19, but adults and elders alike tell me I seem much older. WhenI sell bunnies, and people finally show up to pick them up, they'resuprised to find i'm only 19. I don't feel 19. And more importantly, Idon't ACT 19. And if people really want to get on me about my being tooyoung...for one thing, i'm not stupid. I've been dating Erron for over3 years, and have known him for more than 7 years. I'm not rushinganything I assure. you. If 18 year olds can vote, buy porn,and die for our country, then surely i'm allowed to get married.


But the thing is, I can't TELL him exactly how to propose (though Ikind of have). The point is thats how I'd like it to be...if I TELLhim...then it's just a response, not something he did for me. Whichcompletely ruins it. If I tell him what to do, Its like i'm justprogramming a little robot. In the end, I'm not getting ANYTHING out ofit at all. All I can do is sit back and hope he has a genius streak.

 

[TinysMom]

You're 19? Hmm....my future daughter-in-love is19....Eric is 22. I was 18 when I got married and Art was 20. Herparents were 19/21 when they got married - and they've been married 20years and we've been married 27 years!

People who marry young can still have good marriages (long term even).

Peg

 

[JAK Rabbitry]

Thanks Basset, I appreciate all the advice...but...

i've done all this! I've done EXACTLY what you've said!

Know, its not quite how you think, I know Erron really does love me, ifI didn't think this, I would not bother with marriage. The thing thatbothers me is that values I have that I've told him about...hecompletely throws away. Liek when i asked him to return the ring. Andhe proposes with it. And I'll get upset and he'll feelincredibly bad and say things like ''I KNEW I should not have donethat''. And I think '' Then WHY did you!?'' what on earth else could Ido? I tell him and I tell him over and over and he still doesjust...DUMB things like this!

In the very very begining...I told him constantly how import this wholordeal was to me. No, i'm not basing my marriage on it, so its not uberincredibly important in way....but I felt like he should have given ita lot more attention and thought than he did....I feel in thsi way hedidn't care enough to think. I mean...these are dumb dumb errors.Common sense I think would drop kick you before you did something likethis. There was absolutely nothing else I could have said or done andyet he still screws up and does EXACTLY what I told him not too soonafter. I don't get it.

 

[JAK Rabbitry]

TinysMom...

yes, I am 19, Erron is 23 in Feb. Our love was never planned. We metover the internet some 8+ years ago. Neither of us were looking for arelationship, just friendly chat. He liked my artwork. He never thuoghtof me as a partner at ALL. And neither did I for many many years. Hewoudl tell me everything, as did I. We were ebst friends and he helpedme through former relationships with other rotten boys and I wouldconsole him in his lonliness and the fact that girls wouldn't even lookat him. I wonder why now, he's handsom and sweet. During one of theseconsolations, he said he'd like a girl like me, but that I was tooyoung for him.

I then took up another relationship with a guy that lasted 1.5 years.It got bad. I was beaten for fun, laughed at, mocked, accuse, andstripped of everything I held dear. And through it all...even though Iwas BANNED from speakign to Erron.... I always still held him constant.And he gave me the strength to leave. I appreciate what he's done forme so much. It was becuase he cared for me. And later he said there wassomething he wanted to tell me, but could just yet. And he wantedtowait for a year or two int he future, when he could tell me in person.I asked him ''why wait?'' and he decided totell me then that he lovedme.

When he had told me I was too young for him, I tried really hard tosteer myself away from him, to make sure that I never developed anykidn of crush or emotions as such for him. For the best, I figured. Butafter he told me he loved me so much, If oun that all along I had lovedhim anyways.

I hate it when I bring this problem up to people...and people tell me I should just dump him.

Nobody bothers tot ake interest and dig deeper and discover that something important is here.

I'm not sure where I was going with this. A.D.D. Jesse....

 

[JAK Rabbitry]

And Tiny....i'm really hapyp for you. No, you'veno hijacked me. ITs sad in a way....but Its nice to know thateveryone's boyfriend/fiance' is treating them right, and that goodthings are still happening.

Its still kind of hard to explain....yes i'm marrying him no matterwhat. Yes I know he tries to please me.... I'm just still sodisappointed,a nd it won't go away. I needto it. Because it's beendirving me up a wall for OVER A YEAR now.

I appreciate everyone being so supportive.

I hate how people I've met for 3 seconds and find out i'm engaged wantto lecture me like a child. I am no child. I don't act like one and Idon't ever expect or want to be treated like one. Some woman I wasspeaking with in Petsmart one day did this to me. And said ''dont youget married. Dont' do it. I got married young and it was the worstmistake of my life and we divorced soon after''. Yes, she made amistake, but I dont' think it because of her age. But How can I takeadvice from someone like this?

 

[JAK Rabbitry]

Now lets add this to the mix.

It gets even harder still for me because i've also recieved a proposalfrom another man. Multiple times. He's a very good friend of mine. Andhe's swell and all, I love him dearly, but I am devoted to ERron firstand foremost, and he udnerstand, and it helps that he's not all brokenup about it.

But the thing is...that I wish Erron had some of the qualities thatthis man has...in that fact that this one is a little more educated inthsi department....

No, I've never cheated on Erron with this man. He's just a close friendof both of ours, actually. Erron and I have an extremely trustingrelationship when it comes to this.

It gets me down even more though...to see my dreams and what I'd likejust out of reach offered to me and to know I can't possibly accept itand that accepting it...there would be absolutely no good to come ofit.

woe is me.

 

[lalena2148]

JAK Rabbitry, I just quicklyread your post and I'm sorry for all you have to go through. Seriously,I hate to say it, most men are dense. You can be giving allthe signals and they won't understand unless you explictly tell them.Or they'll something so stupid and offensive to you, but see nothingwrong with it. :foreheadsmack:I truly believe that men and women arejust one 2 totally different wavelengths.

All you can do, if you want to get married to him, is brush off thefact that he's unromantic. HOWEVER, if there is something you've alwayswanted in a person (like being romantic), I hate to say it but it mightbe benefitial to date other people for a while. And I HATE saying that,but it might be because you are too young. And I don't want to treatyou like a child. I'm only 23 and I'm a newlywed. My husband is also23. I don't regret anything, but it's hard. And it's harder especiallyif you didn't have the chance to date people that might have given yousomething different. Granted, my husband is awesome and DID propose tome in an awesome way:
I came home from work (a really crappy day) and he was holding my bunDrizzle. Then he let Driz run around and I noticed something around hisneck. I was scared of what is was so I chased him around and finallycaught him. It was a ribbon w/ my ring on it. He took Driz and got thering off and got down on one knee and proposed. I said yes, we kissed,then he came out with flowers and we went out to dinner. HOWEVER, hehad proposed to me when we were 19 as well, and I said yes but notuntil we both graduated from school (we met freshman year of college).He said ok, after 4 years (and one whole summer apart) we were stilltogether and he proposed 1 year ago from 1/26/07 and we were married inOctober. But the waiting allowed us to both grow, and we did changefrom age 18 when we met to age 23 when we were married. Hell, we'restill growing and changing! Everyone does!

However, no relationship should make you sick or suicidal. If it does,it's not healthy. You have to decide what do you love abouthim? What are the pros and cons of being with him? Does he TRULY makeyouhappy? What do you feel you missed out by being with him,if any?

Also, let him know that you don't find it romantic to keep proposingthe way he has. Is there anything you would like him to do? Why don'tyou drop major hints! Hell, I practically picked out my ring. I'd keephinting to look at jewelry and then one day I found an awesometanzanite and diamond ring. This ring isn't the same one, but he knewexactly what to look for!

Like I said before, as for doing ridiculously inconsiderate, annoying,dumb things, get used to it if you're going to be married! Although myhusband isn't mean or inconsiderate, he has his moments of stupidity.All you can do is roll your eyes, shake your head, and let him know bycommunicating that it was stupid to say.

Anyway hun, hugs to you:hug:I'm sorry your so upset. But maybe it'stime to re-evaluate your situation. Are you getting married for theright reasons? And again, I'm not trying to scold you or warn you ofthe horrors of marriage. Being married is a wonderful thing IF you'reboth in it for the right reasons and for the long haul. PS: if he isn'tromantic now, don't expect it to get better after your married. Maybefor a little while, but then it's in spurts!

 

[JadeIcing]

I knew my husband was dense so I chose the ringright after Thanksgiving '04. I knew he would ask sometime the nextmonth. So when did dodo birdask...after I worked an 5hr shiftserving a bunch of senior citzens who are high class residents. Whothink the world revolves around them. I started fidgeting with the treenever actually said yes. I put the ring (in the box) and put it on thetv.

 

[JAK Rabbitry]

lalena2148 wrote:

JAK Rabbitry, I just quickly read your post and I'msorry for all you have to go through. Seriously, I hate to say it, mostmen are dense. You can be giving all the signals and theywon't understand unless you explictly tell them. Or they'll somethingso stupid and offensive to you, but see nothing wrong with it.:foreheadsmack:I truly believe that men and women are just one 2totally different wavelengths.

All you can do, if you want to get married to him, is brush off thefact that he's unromantic. HOWEVER, if there is something you've alwayswanted in a person (like being romantic), I hate to say it but it mightbe benefitial to date other people for a while. And I HATE saying that,but it might be because you are too young. And I don't want to treatyou like a child. I'm only 23 and I'm a newlywed. My husband is also23. I don't regret anything, but it's hard. And it's harder especiallyif you didn't have the chance to date people that might have given yousomething different. Granted, my husband is awesome and DID propose tome in an awesome way:
I came home from work (a really crappy day) and he was holding my bunDrizzle. Then he let Driz run around and I noticed something around hisneck. I was scared of what is was so I chased him around and finallycaught him. It was a ribbon w/ my ring on it. He took Driz and got thering off and got down on one knee and proposed. I said yes, we kissed,then he came out with flowers and we went out to dinner. HOWEVER, hehad proposed to me when we were 19 as well, and I said yes but notuntil we both graduated from school (we met freshman year of college).He said ok, after 4 years (and one whole summer apart) we were stilltogether and he proposed 1 year ago from 1/26/07 and we were married inOctober. But the waiting allowed us to both grow, and we did changefrom age 18 when we met to age 23 when we were married. Hell, we'restill growing and changing! Everyone does!

However, no relationship should make you sick or suicidal. If it does,it's not healthy. You have to decide what do you love abouthim? What are the pros and cons of being with him? Does he TRULY makeyouhappy? What do you feel you missed out by being with him,if any?

Also, let him know that you don't find it romantic to keep proposingthe way he has. Is there anything you would like him to do? Why don'tyou drop major hints! Hell, I practically picked out my ring. I'd keephinting to look at jewelry and then one day I found an awesometanzanite and diamond ring. This ring isn't the same one, but he knewexactly what to look for!

Like I said before, as for doing ridiculously inconsiderate, annoying,dumb things, get used to it if you're going to be married! Although myhusband isn't mean or inconsiderate, he has his moments of stupidity.All you can do is roll your eyes, shake your head, and let him know bycommunicating that it was stupid to say.

Anyway hun, hugs to you:hug:I'm sorry your so upset. But maybe it'stime to re-evaluate your situation. Are you getting married for theright reasons? And again, I'm not trying to scold you or warn you ofthe horrors of marriage. Being married is a wonderful thing IF you'reboth in it for the right reasons and for the long haul. PS: if he isn'tromantic now, don't expect it to get better after your married. Maybefor a little while, but then it's in spurts!








Yeah, if you jsut quickly read it, you missed a LOT. Iappreciate the advice, but a lot of what you've said has been previousanswered in some of my other posts. Not trying to be rude, I've justtyped so much today and I just got hoem and i'm sos o tired.

And no, my relationship with him is not what made me suicidal anddepressed, it was kind of that PLUS i'm extremely bi-polar and though Ihaven't been tested for it, I pretty much have a bajillion differentsymptoms of schizophrenia. Its not easy trying to deal with all of thatat once.

That is such a cool proposal.

And believe me, I have let him know EVERYTHING. Whatever is on my mindusually comes out immediately. I've told him everything I thought abouteverything. And in the past i've even told him exactly what I lookedfor in proposals and rings and all that jazz. I've sat himdown and told him straight out, and that still doesn't sink in. I'vetold him, other people have told him, and then he doesn't do it, and Iget upset, and he gets angry at himself. This is a whole new kind ofstupidity. I don't get it.

 

[maherwoman]

Oh, I completely agree! (I hope my post didn't give the impression that I was saying anything like that!)

I've lived most of my life with people putting me down for my age, so Iknow just what you mean. It's very frustrating. Itell people that I've lived a very full life for my age (and have, infact, felt that way since I was about 20), and I get smirks and jeersabout it...like "how could you have lived a full life at only20?!). Only when people hear the story of my mother do theyunderstand. (You can read that here:http://rabbitsonline.net/view_topic.php?id=17379&forum_id=5) And even then, I get a lot of comments of, "but she's yourmother..." etc etc etc.

Ultimately, I understand where people are coming from, now that I'm 26,about the whole age thing...but since also having lived as entirely toomature for my age for most of my life (I've always felt at least tenyears older than I am), I remind people not to look down on someonebecause of their age. Yes, there are certain things you onlygo through at certain ages...but there are also things people gothrough at way too YOUNG an age that can create the same effect on aperson...so it goes both ways.

As far as people's comments about my relationship (or complete lackthereof) with my mother, I can understand that, too. Mymother is quite unique...one of those rare mothers that just doesn'tcare about her kids (or at least mine with me...she cares VERY MUCHabout my other two sisters, and would flaunt it in front of me wheneverpossible).

Bottom line...I know how you feel about all this. It's hardto go through so much lack of support, while trying to have arelationship with someone that's your soulmate, and you know you'll bewith, despite what your family thinks and what they have to say aboutit.

I hope things improve, and I hope things work out wonderfully betweenyou and Erron. He sounds like such a prince...a bit of agoofball prince, sure, but he's definitely a prince.

And you, Hun...you are quite simply a princess...both of heart and ofdeserving title for all you've been through. Youare such a sweetie...I wish you all the best.

Keep me up-to-date, okay?

Love and hugs,

Rosie*

JAK Rabbitry wrote:

I'm sorry allthis garbage has happened to you too, it really shouldn't happen atall. I'm glad you udnerstand though. I was worried about recieinv gmorelectures from people. I really hate the ''you're too young'' one. Theway I see it, you're as old as you feel. That what everyone says. Ihaven't ever had one person tell me i'm immature. I may be 19, butadults and elders alike tell me I seem much older. When I sell bunnies,and people finally show up to pick them up, they're suprised to findi'm only 19. I don't feel 19. And more importantly, I don't ACT 19. Andif people really want to get on me about my being too young...for onething, i'm not stupid. I've been dating Erron for over 3 years, andhave known him for more than 7 years. I'm not rushinganything I assure. you. If 18 year olds can vote, buy porn,and die for our country, then surely i'm allowed to get married.


But the thing is, I can't TELL him exactly how to propose (though Ikind of have). The point is thats how I'd like it to be...if I TELLhim...then it's just a response, not something he did for me. Whichcompletely ruins it. If I tell him what to do, Its like i'm justprogramming a little robot. In the end, I'm not getting ANYTHING out ofit at all. All I can do is sit back and hope he has a genius streak.

 

[NZminilops]

I know romance has such a heavy importanceplaced on it. All our lives we are bombarded from movies, TV ads,valentines day, TV programmes where men get in trouble for forgettingtheir anniversary etc etc. Woman are made to think we simply MUST beswept off our feet, be dazzled by our men, lavished with gifts. We wantfrom them only perfectness yet ask them to forgive our faults and treatus like princesses. We want them to be strong when we are weak. Toprovide us with any little thing we desire! We think to much of the HOWand not so much on the WHY. His idea of romance might be different toyours, he's not you, he can't be in your head no matter how much youwant him to be, and sometimes feel he is.

He's a man, men are so different to us. Too often I see women planningfor their weddings and having no thought for the future after it. Allthey see is that one shining day where it all must be perfect. But thenwhat? It's what comes after that really means everything.

I know this wont help you much but it's how I feel about it. I am withsomeone, we are 24 and have been together for 5 years now. I know hewont propose....BUT....I don't let it matter. Why force him to change?If he didn't do the things he does, the way he does, he wouldn't bebeing 'him'. I fell in love with him, I don't want him to do anythingdifferently.

 

[JadeIcing]

By the way I am 24 and my husband is 28. We have known each other for years. We met online.

 

[JAK Rabbitry]

I think....some people are kind of missing the point.

 

[lalena2148]

JAK Rabbitry wrote:

I think....some people are kind of missing the point.

No offense, but what is the point? If you say you're happy with him,then why are you asking why he proposes in a stupid way? Why are you soupset then? He's a guy. Guys don't understand women. A guy thinks if heproposes that's all the girl wants. Many guys don't think of hearts,flowers, romance...or that a girl wants to be swept off her feet in aproposal. To many women, a proposal and a ring equals 'how you reallyfeel about me,' thus women get upset when it's done in a way that seemslike he doesn' t really care; like it's just a formality. It's justanother step in a relationship right? Not really. Just because you goout with someone for a long time doesn't necessarily mean that you haveto get married. I know 2 people who were awesome with each other, butdid have some issues. They went out for 7 years and recently broke upbut are still friends. Could they have married each other? Sure, butwhy get married if it's going to be unhappy?

But here's the thing; if you TRULY love him, then you should be able tolet your dream proposal go.If you can't , then I guaranteeyou will keep it close to you and it's going to bother you for a LONGtime while you're with him. I, personally, would have loved ANYproposal from my husband because it was from him! The first one wasn'tgreat, it was a rather random question and there was no ring, but itwas straight from the heart and it made it special. And I said I would,but I wanted to finish school and we were only 19 (and even then Ithought we were too young....I had stuff I wanted to do like graduatebefore I even really thought about being someone's wife).

And I feel for you. I STILL get people (not my family) but some friendsMY age who say "wow, you guys are young...I want to party until I'm 30THEN talk about marriage." It's their choice. But I'm alsogoing to let you know it's very hard being the only marriedcouple in a social circle. Our friends range in age from 20 - 31 andonly 1 of them are married and pretty much everyone else is single. Allwe get are marriage jokes and "well we don't want to go out w/ themarried couple." What they don't understand is we started out asfriends, then best friends, then boyfriend/girlfriend...but we're stillbest friends! We don't do anything in front of our friends that wouldmake them uncomfortable. :sigh: But, I digress.That's justsomething else you're most likely going to have to deal with if you getmarried now.

Anyway, if you are still harboring emotions about all his attempts atproposing, then I see a big red flag there. In a marriage, there aremany little things you just have to let go. Guys are going to continueto do stupid, say stupid things even after you're married. There arelots of times I don't even say anything (as long as it isn't trulyoffensive) because you have to pick your battles. My mom knows the samething I know. She was married at 20 to my dad who was 26. By their 4thyear of marriage, there were MAJOR issues. My mom was sad that shenever graduated from college...my dad felt bad that she didn't, theyhad me when my mom was almost 22. They dealt with the issues, but itstill took a while. But I am going to emphasize this is not a "you'retoo young" issue. Hell, I'm 23 and alot of people thought Iwas too young! I just think people, old or young, go into marriagethinking of sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. And yes having awonderful husband is truly awesome. However, a marriage is somethingthat always needs to be worked on. Too many people run to the divorcecourt after the first issue comes up. I just think you need to beprepared is all.