Sky- My Rock. 06-10-2005 - 28-08-2013

[Flashy]

My Bestest Bud,

Third one of these in less than a month. I’ve been mulling this and I don’t think that any words I use can actually really explain or justify what we had. I’m going to do my best though mateyman. It’s going to be an epic.

I’ll start with the poem again. I think that’s fair.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone

W. H. Auden​

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.




So, I supposed it seems appropriate to start at the beginning.

You were, like others I have here, the result of an act I would not do now. We bred Boof and Flash and you and Moon were the result. Do I regret it? I can’t regret having such a wonderful friend. It’s just not a choice would make now. Rightly or wrongly, I’m glad I made the choice then though because otherwise I would not have had you for so long.

We did the ‘act’ before I went back to uni and took Flash with me. That month until you were born was pretty action packed. The day you guys were born was the day that I officially quit uni. I should have known then the deep impact you would have on that phase of my life.

My family were looking after you guys and Boof and I remember hearing from mum that ‘the baby’ was mostly white with a few black bits, and from dad that ‘the baby’ had lots of black splodges. You were born on the Thursday and it was the Tuesday after I got two frantic photos showing TWO babies- mum had been seeing you, and dad had been seeing Moon.

That meant I had two gorgeous miracles, and not just one.

I finally got to meet you when you guys were nearly 2 weeks old and obviously, it was love at first sight. Boof was an amazing mum and you guys were wonderful. My brother and I named you both very quickly, deciding to carry on the natural sky/weather related theme that Flash (of Lightning) brought us- you were obviously name Sky, Moon was named Moon (duh). We didn’t know your gender and as a result, for most of the rest of your life you were called ‘she’ by most people, so I do apologise for that- but I loved the name and I loved you.

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I was back and forwards between Lincoln and home for the next two months or so and got to spend a good lot of your babydom with you guys. You got p to so much mischief! I LOVE that!

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Do you remember getting stuck here?

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[Flashy]

Then I came home for Christmas.

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That was obviously a terrible time, as you know, because I lost my Flash- my soulmate. Your father. My world was broken. Not damaged. Broken. I had a full on breakdown (on top of my other problems).

I took you and Moon back to Lincoln and you brought some life and laughter into my life. You guys were so funny and so special. You started to groom me. You would choose to lay touching me. I also over spoilt you with treats so you stopped eating normal food, so I had to get strict- no treats for you. We were already forming what would, eventually, be what I know now is an unbreakable bond.

​

I didn’t stay there long because I just couldn’t cope and within a month or so we were home again, back with my mum and dad.

You stayed in a hutch outside. You were keen for running on the grass. You loved to dig. You were keen for any human attention. You were VERY keen for me. You would spend many hours each day in the house with me and if I left the room you would either hang off the edge of the settee waiting, or you would sit by my phone and wait- that was something you kept until you died. Loved that. You just wanted me back. You didn’t always want to be with me, but you needed to know I was there.

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You were a right trouble maker. Remember my popcorn?

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Do you remember jumping in my lasagne?

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At a few months into sexual maturity I once again carried out that act and you became father to Cloud. A very proud father as well. He was a beautiful boy and a lovely gift. Do you remember this?

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We rumbled along as I was getting iller and iller and closer and closer to death. I even wrote suicide notes for you and Moon, that would be rolled up and put in your cages when I died. Then I was sectioned. Bleurgh. But you used to come and visit me in hospital- I loved that the staff allowed you too and I loved that you seemed to enjoy coming. Yours and Cloud’s visits were amazing.

I was out quick and yes, I was ill. But we carried on as we had been doing. Then Moon died (my fault, I know) and, once again, my world crashed down. I had you and I had Cloud and I had to focus on that.

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It was around that time you worked out how to escape- we still have no idea what you were doing. The first time I panicked and when I went looking you were digging lots of tiny holes all over the lawn. It was so cute. The second, and final time, you came back to me when I called- following the cat to me. We were very tight and I was terrified of losing you. After that, we battened down the hatches and you never escaped again. MWAHAHAHAAAA

Shortly after I joined a rabbit forum and became an active member and learnt a lot.

 

[Flashy]

The first thing I learnt was about breeding, and as a result of doing it properly (or rather, you guys doing it properly) you and Sandy gave me seven wonderful Flashlettes. Once again, not something I would ever do now, but not something I would take back because that would mean regretting my wonderful, happy bunnies.

They grew and changed and I knew my bunny family was complete- especially when I started learning about rescues.

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You’d still come in and run around during the day. Do you remember when I played hide and seek with you? I used to play it with Flash and he loved it. You were busy in the corner of the room so I hopped up on the back of the settee and then called you. You can out jet propelled, and you shot straight past me, stopped, and did a double take. Then had the expression as if to say ‘What the hell are you doing now?!?!?!?!?’. It was hilarious. It wasn’t a game that entertained you but it entertained me- we never played it again though because it wasn’t fun for you. I didn’t know a rabbit could look like that though. But you definitely perfected that face over the years. You quite liked me chasing you- you’d run off with a toss of the head and mini binkies as you ran.

Then came the neutering! I got Cloud and Badger neutered and then it was your turn. You were the complicated one- you only had one ball!

We’d recently changed vets after the old vets treated you like a lump of meat and the new vet said he knew the theory behind the operation but had never done it before. He could feel your undescended testicle, so he was able to neuter you without rooting around in you. I went for it because I didn’t want you to get cancer- oh the irony.

So in you went on September the 5th 2007 (weird how I can remember that date). I was in a right state because my lovely, fluffy friend was at great risk. I drove around for ages because I couldn’t bear to go back home. I nearly crashed my car because I was in no fit state to drive. You did well and came home. You had stitches in your abdomen and you quite liked to chew them. So I stayed up for the next three nights to be with you to make sure you didn’t chew yourself. I would sleep for about an hour in the mornings and maybe an hour or two in the evenings. But I had no problem doing it for you.

You recovered well and we were so close by then. 10 days after your neuter I put you back outside and you were very clearly depressed. You wouldn’t move. You ate, but not much. You were sad.

So, I had a debate with my family and moved you inside. You had a small hutch in my room, but you came back to life. Each night we would have a snuggle time and you loved that. There’s nothing quite like loving on a bunny and having a bunny love back.

So, in my room you stayed (and you also taught me accommodation size wasn’t necessarily the most important thing to rabbit happiness).

You used to come out and run around at night. I used to love waking up to find you snuggled in my arms, or jumping on my belly (or off my belly). I think that time I woke up to find you had snuggled in my arms, and I had cuddled you (so I woke up cuddling you) was lovely. I remember that moment exactly.

You were so quirky and particular about your routine and your foods. You would only eat food from a bowl (what’s that all about! But we did work to change it).

And that was pretty much how we stayed, physically, but then things started to change emotionally.

I had a blip with my mental health and attempted suicide in March 2008- Moon’s anniversary. When I was gone you were sad and not eating much again, and it took you a few days after I got home for you to pick up. Two weeks later you needed a dental- your first. That was a direct correlation in my eyes (and one I saw evidence of several times over the next few years). You couldn’t cope if I wasn’t there. That was a major factor in me learning that my actions had consequences to others. I never wanted you to suffer. You were my reason to fight.

I blipped again two years later and we had the same situation, almost exactly. It was that time that I promised you that I would live whilst you lived. I used to sing you this song. Do you remember? This was our song. [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfNVfiqKBeM[/ame] The video isn’t there now, but the actual official video is one with two rabbits, where they are great friends, do everything together, and then when one dies, the other then follows.

'Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark'​

When life was hard, I would cuddle you and cry and would play that song, and sing it to you. I had it all worked out. I was tethered to this life as long as you were and whilst I was here we were going to have a blast.

As the rabbit numbers increased I know you struggled with jealousy, because obviously, I ‘cheated’ on you and smelt different. I did try to bond you with a couple of different girls, but you didn’t want to know. I believe, even back then, you viewed me as your friend and anyone else was an imposter. I couldn’t send you away to be bonded because you couldn’t cope with being away from me (and vice versa- but I would have done it for you had it been best for you). So you had to stay mine. I had to stay yours. So I did everything I could to keep you happy. I never slept anywhere else (talk about making it hard when bonding rabbits). I was always in bed, and if I had to be elsewhere in the house (like if I was ill) I’d always come and regularly check on you and give you treats.

But we did ok. You would be tearing around, running up and down the landing, peering down the stairs at me. You would come when I called your name. You were hilarious if it was time for me to come upstairs but someone else came, you’d come running, see who it was, and then turn around and run.

You were such a goon. You used to be able to go down the stairs when you were little. You forgot when you got older!

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Remember that time we had a ‘butt’ contest? I can’t remember what I did but you gave me the butt. So I turned my back on you. Mum was watching and she said you moved further away, gave more butt, and looked around to check I’d got the message. I was still not facing you so I didn’t. Then you came to my other side and gave me the butt, so I shifted position and turned my back on you. At that point you climbed up on my lap for grooms. You weren’t phased by anything.

Remember when you entirely trashed my pile of fresh washing?

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We were just great friends- the best of friends. Whenever anything stressful or overwhelming or anything happened in my life, you were the first thought on my mind ‘I need Sky cuddles’ or whatever.

You needed very regular dentals (every 3 months, like clockwork) and we always used to ‘recover’ in the same way (yes, you from your GA and both of us from being apart). We’d have a kip on the sofa.

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I got better, and I stopped singing that song to you. I knew that even if you died, I couldn’t follow you. I knew I was going to break a promise. I did talk to you about that and I hope you understand.

 

[Flashy]

I was terrified when I started work that you would die because I didn’t ‘need’ you in the same way I did before. I didn’t need you to live, like I did. I needed you because you were absolutely my very best friend.

But you didn’t.

At the start of this year I knew I wanted something special for us. So, for my 30th I asked for portraits done of me and all the bunnies, and yours was the most special and most important. A result of that is that I have a large canvas of me and you in the living room (remember when I held you up to it and it’s even bigger than lifesize?), and another above my bedroom door- plus a gorgeous painting someone did for me. Plus all the other photos of you and all the other bunnies. That was worth doing.

Then I started my newest job and within a week or so you got ill. Your breathing was faster than normal (something that occurred regularly before but we’d never found the actual cause). We thought it might be a hay allergy because your stuff sprung up the same time mine did.

We went nuts completely de-dusting the room- like insanely.

But it didn’t help. We went back and back and you went on Piriton and it helped for a bit.

Then it stopped and you couldn’t breathe. You were blue and with your nose in the air. Off to then emergency vets we went (1am no less) and you went on Oxygen and then steroids. There was a miscommunication and I came to see you at 8am, before work, and they said you were ready to go home. So there I was, on my way to work, with a bunny! So you came to work and sat in my boss’s office whilst we waited for my dad to come and pick you up.

Again, that worked for a while and then you found yourself back at the vets in the incubator. They did their best to kill you that time by overheating you, and then forced me into a referral with no regard for how different animals have different needs and limits. I was very angry. Once I’d seen you and seen what you wanted, then I felt ok to go ahead with the referral so we did. That was at the end of May.

We trundled up to the specialist vets and he treated you like a friend, which was lovely. You had test after test, backwards and forwards we went, and eventually we got a diagnosis of a hay allergy and how your trachea was red and inflamed. You ended up on a mitful of meds and a strict regime.

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That changed all our lives. You moved down into the living which was something I was too scared to do previously because I thought you’d pine- but you surprised me and you thrived. We had to cut you grass because you couldn’t tolerate anything dry. You had to have vet bed in your litter tray. My wonderful, wonderful mum grew lots of grass and spent a good half hour in the evening and the morning cutting fresh grass, dandelion leaves, apple tree leaves, rose leaves and brambles. You loved that. You’d gone from a really picky boy to a foody- I think you knew what you needed. My mum did that whilst I did your evening and morning routines- nebulised, four different meds, and then later, eye drops.

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Remember when I did ‘bunny stealing’ like the bonded pairs do? Think you would only have tolerated that from me.

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You did well for a while and then I noticed your eyes started to bulge. Oh dear. Oh dear indeed. I spoke with the specialist knowing in my heart what I was going to do. He offered to treat, to test to identify exactly what it was (be it thymoma or lymphoma) and then give you chemo. I said no, for your sake. I’d have loved to have done that to have you with me longer, but for you, with your already chronic problem, I felt it was too much.

So, by that time, late July, we knew. I don’t think we talked about it in front of you, but we might have done. You didn’t mind and you didn’t change though. Devastated didn’t even cut it.

We were getting closer though weren’t we- if that was even possible. Every morning I would lie on the floor. You would groom me, I would groom you (you with licks to me, me with strokes to you).

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Over the three months you lived down here you became such a beautiful bunny. You really thrived living in the hub of the house, having strokes, and treats and time and company and love. You’d jump up to people nose around and not be able to get down. You’d need ‘legs’ to use as a ramp. You’d nudge us or nip us until we gave them.

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When mum tidied the newspapers you would jump right in and start trashing the whole area. You’d still sit and hang off the edge of the settee if I wasn’t there. You developed some good strategies to get the grass out the bowl, including flipping it and often wearing it, you would openly just sit on me when you wanted my attention. You were just wonderful.

We were closer and closer and just, well, I think we meant the world to each other.

I panicked, a lot about losing you (panic for me) and about me getting it wrong (panic for you).

On Wednesday I knew you were tired (but probably didn’t realise how much). You sat, very happily and willingly in my lap. You stayed and slept for a long time. Then you got up, big yawn, and toddled on your way.

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I knew that was odd and posted on the forum. The support I received was great but spiralled me into panic that you would die without me there.

Ultimately, that evening you were still eating, but it looked like a chore and your eyes were sad. I knew. I debated the whole thing until the end, but really I knew. I called the emergency vet and talked to him. I was hoping for one of the two who knew you, but it wasn’t. He was very willing to see you but was telling me that you didn’t sound like you would immediately drop dead and that he was an emergency service and you could wait until tomorrow if that was what I wanted. I did want. I REALLY did want. But you needed to see someone that night, so that’s what we did.

 

[Flashy]

I really love that the last photo I have of you looks like you, and that’s you’re eating apple leaves.

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You sat on my lap all the way to the vets, lapping up the strokes. You only shifted and moved when I got upset, so I had to make a concerted effort to be stable, for you.

When we got to the vets, my normally nosey and interested guy was flat. It was right. The vet was good. You sat on my lap, I stroked your cheeks. As the needle was inserted I told you I loved you and that it was ok for you to go, and then you gave a great big sigh and off you went. So quickly. So peacefully.

For you, that was right. For me, I was drained.

I was relieved it was the right thing for you. I have never debated so much but I just had to follow my gut, even though I didn’t know if it was right, but it was. And for that, I’m glad.

So now you’re gone, physically. However, I have this strange feeling. It’s like a rich kind of love, and it’s in my chest. It doesn’t feel like mine. It’s been there since yesterday morning. Is it stupid, Sky, to think that that's your soul nestled in my chest?

It gives a whole new meaning to that song I used to sing ‘I will follow you into the dark’. I thought I would be following you- what it appears is that you have come with me, into my dark. Does that mean it’s not dark?

I can’t ever express what you meant to me. You were my friend. My best friend. You were my rock. The one who was there when no one else was. You were the one who accepted me for me and didn’t judge. You saw all of me. YOU were the one who made me better. I owe you. Anyone who has benefitted from me since Flash died, owes all that to you.

Do you know what else? It makes me question Flash. Flash came into my life when I desperately needed someone, and I can’t help but wonder if he came into my life to give me you. You came on the day I left uni- you stayed until I was in my current job and also interviewed for my course, then you got ill, and you die just before I go back to work.

I think you’re my Mary Poppins bunny and you came because I needed someone, something, apparently somebunny. Flash’s purpose and his relationship with me was to give you to me. Didn’t he do well. And didn’t you.

People tell me they understand, they get it, they have lost animals they love too, and that’s really kind that they care. I do think though, unless you’ve been to the darkest places possible (on both sides) and gone through that together and come out together the bond is just different. There will be people that can relate to what we had, and for them, I’m so glad they have had their own Sky in their life. I’m sad for them that they have or will lose that friend.

Right now Sky, I feel that love you have in my chest (my heart?). I feel relief and peace for you. Every so often, I get panicked because you’re not here and worse still, when I forget you’re gone and then realise all over again. But I know it’s taking its toll on me because I can’t think properly, or remember things, or anything. I would love to be together, but I know that you can’t be here and I can’t be with you. I don’t yet have that craving for you that I know will come. Mainly because I’m blocking it. But it’s right you’re not here.

We’ve moved Angel back downstairs again- I didn’t like seeing your cage empty. But it’s so different having a quiet and reserved rabbit down here, compared to the overconfident, in your face lunatic that you were! It’s hard to understand how such a small bunny can leave such a gaping hole in a home and a heart. Nothing can ever fill that hole, but Angel will bring us some good times of his own.

I took you to the Crem yesterday morning- I’ve been there several times recently, as you know, and she was lovely. I don’t know why, normally it’s three working days, but I collected you today- the next day. I have you back home. You will always be with me. We’ll plant a special rose where your burial plot was. I hope it’s ok I decided not to use it, I just hate the thought that one day, if someone from this family doesn’t live in this house, that I’ll be without you.

I truly believe that you’re ok. Your soul is ok. One day, I will be too- for now, you’re not that far away.

We’ve been on a journey together. Sometimes we were sitting, sometimes we were walking together. Something I carried you and cuddled you, sometimes you led the way for me. Now, we’re on different paths, you’re just the other side of those trees and one day those paths will meet again. Maybe sometimes they will be closer than at other times. I feel alone. Like I’m standing alone- I have no one here to turn to, but I don’t feel lonely because I do really feel you’re here, inside me. But I do miss you. Like, really, really miss you.

All I can say, my beautiful bunny boy, my iSky, my Sky-O, my mateymannymoo, is thank you. For everything. For your company. For your friendship. For your love. For your acceptance. For you.

I love you more than words can ever explain. I don’t think I’ll ever have this bond with human or animal again because no one will ever see me in the darkest times you did. It’s that acceptance in dark times that forms the bond. You didn’t shun me like everyone else, you just accepted me. That’s a gift.

I’ll never forget you, and your memory in my lives on.

I will make you a video. It will be awesome. Because that’s what you deserve.

So that’s it.

Simply, I love you more than anything, ever.

Thank you.

All my love.

X

Sky
06-10-2005 – 28-08-2013
My Hero. My Rock. My Very Best Friend.
Incomparable.​

 

[Nancy McClelland]

It's hard to type with my eyes watering this much. Good bye little man and binky free.

 

[Flashy]

Nancy, thank you very much for taking the time and care to both read and write a reply. That means a lot to me.

 

[KeltonB]

Wow. Just wow. What an amazing memorial to an amazing bunny. Thank you for sharing that, and condolences in your time of mourning.

 

[jemm]

Such a lovely tribute to a special bun well done for writing it x

 

[Flashy]

Thank you both

 

[SOOOSKA]

I'm so sorry for your loss of your Beautiful Boy Sky.

What a beautiful tribute to him. I can tell that he meant the world to you. He will be your Guardian Angel now, watching over you.

Big hugs

Susan