How did you decide on having a second child?

[whitelop]

I know this is a little personal, but I think that most women with one kid struggle with the idea of having another one. We all want our kids to have friends! hahaha.

So my son is almost 20 months old, he's a great kid. I got so lucky having such a great kid! (as I typed that, he kicked over a bowl of dry fruit loops and he yelled "oh no!" then looked at me and walked away. Hilarious stuff!)

Anyway, I stay at home with him everyday, so I have a lot of time to think about all kinds of stuff, but lately I've been thinking about another kid. I sort of go back and forth though, like one day I want another one and then the next day I don't. Like if I have a great day with my son I'm like, "yeah, I could do this again" but if he's being a cranky-butt then I'm like "oh no! I only want him"

So those of you with more than one kid, how did you decide when the time was right to have the second, or the third? (or how ever many you decided to have) What goes into that decision making process?

Thanks everyone. I know this may be a little weird, but I know there are a lot of parents on here and maybe you guys could tell me how you came to the final yes or no for more kids.

Even if you only have one kid and you don't want anymore, why don't you? What made you decide that?

Ahh, the joys of being a woman, with the crazy thoughts and such. anic:

 

[Apebull]

I never wanted kids at all. I was the only one of my friends who as a teen was saying "I never want kids" when we would talk about our future. Well then I got married and there went that idea lol. After a couple of years we started talking about having children. I know that if I had a child I would want 2. There were 4 of us growing up so I always had someone to play with and I had several friends who were a only child and they hated it. I also know that I would want them a couple of years apart. My brother and I are almost exactly 2 yrs apart and we did everything together. But my sisters are 4 and 10 years younger then me and they were just always in the way. So a few months before my daughter turned 2 we started trying. I found out I was pregnant with my son less then a week after her 2nd birthday. I did think about having a 3rd child when he was very little. I remember nursing him watching a baby's story and cry that I wanted a baby. AH hormones LOL. It didn't help that he wasn't lil (10.4 lbs and walking a 6 1/2 months). Yes I had a toddler LOL. Anyway I had heard from someone somewhere that if you had kids that the jump from 1 to 2 was easily but from 2 to 3 was hard. A family of 4 can do things easily like fit in a car, go out to eat without waiting for a big table, easy to pair up at amusement park rides. Silly things like that but it stuck and that's why I have 2 wonderful kids and no more. The factory has been closed :nod.

Of course it's a decision only you and your husband can make but there's my reason. And good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[whitelop]

I like the thought of even numbers too. Like, if you said April, you can go to an amusement park and always have a partner. I have actually had that thought on multiple occasions, because the last time I went to an amusement park I was like 16, but that thought has actually crossed my mind. hahahaha. How silly.

I am and only child and my husband has one sister who is 4 years older than him. 4 years is an odd number and they don't talk because they were never in school together and were never friends with the same people because she was so much older. Well, and she's a brat. But I don't want that much of an age gap, I want my son to be able to have a friend in his sibling.

 

[BunnyLove89]

I want to have at least 3 kids. I'm the youngest of 3 (and the only girl) and my oldest brother is nearly 5 years older than me. I was always close with him until lately since he's being a bit of a fill-in-the-blank. We were homeschooled together and we would get done with school at around 11 and then we would spend the rest of the day together riding bikes, playing games, going to the park, and going to a diner several times a week just he and I where we would see how many hot wings we could eat in 1 sitting. And I always liked having an older brother because if I was getting picked on I could threaten to send my brother after them lol (he's a big guy at 6'5). He has mental illnesses so he's not always the sweet brother I grew up with but I still want my children to have the childhood I had (for the most part). I didn't mention my other brother because he was born severely disabled and died in 2005 so I don't have many memories of he and I.

 

[agnesthelion]

I only have one son and we are one and done I was kind of like April and I never wanted kids. Then the clock started ticking, I think its ingrained in us to procreate, lol, so I had my son when I was 31. "Old" by some standards.

After we had one we thought we would for SURE have two. Kids have to have a sibling, right? My husband and I were talking one night and I think we were both nervous to admit it....but we decided we didn't want another.

I personally don't believe kids "need" a sibling. Ironically I know lots of onlies who were happy that way. I also don't think you (not you specifically, Morgan generally speaking) should have a child who automatically has a job. Like, to be a friend to your other child. You have to decide to have a second because YOU want to. Not just because you don't want an only child.

I have one sister and we just became close now. And I'm 35. So there is absolutely no guarantee siblings will get along. Blood doesn't automatically make them friends.

I also think that the idea onlies are spoiled brats is false as well. It all comes down to parenting. You can raise 5 spoiled brats or 1 spoiled brat.

So for us, the decision to stop at one was a compound decision. I just "felt it". We felt complete at 3. I also fought the urge to listen to society and just listen to what I want. It sounds corny but society still til this day (not as much as 30 years ago) puts pressure on people who stop at 1. I STILL will get lectured, even by random people, about how bad it is to not give my son a sibling. I just listen, nod my head and move on. Every family dynamic is different and what works for one may not for another. Sorry, not gonna have another kid just because its what is a more comfortable scenario for society. I also miss my husband terribly and I'm not a baby person. Heck, I'm not a kid person, lol. I love my son more than anything on this planet but it is HARD having a newborn. And I had been with my hubby for 14 years before we had our son and then, boom, our time together changed. We don't have time together anymore! I miss him and as my son gets older I feel with everyday we get closer again. I don't want to start over.

And as far as going from 1-2 vs 2-3. Ive heard the exact opposite than April, haha, that going from 1 to 2 is horrendous. After that, its chaos so adding another child is nothing . My sis and law AND my sister both had their second child last year and they are still struggling. I would never tell them this, but when I see them out with both kids I'm like, "Oh good gawd I'm so glad I stopped at 1" haha.

But with all that being said, I don't think youd ever truly REGRET having a second. So that's what makes this decision so hard. I completely empathize with where your head is Morgan. And that is what makes this so hard. None of us can tell you what to do (obviously) so you have to decide deep down what your gut is saying. that's kinda why I referenced society's pressures before. Even society's pressures to even have children to begin with. There is this norm that we are pressured to be like. And if that suits you, so be it, but don't let what other people do influence what you want. It has to be you and your husbands decision only.

Okay, sorry for the long rant. Its just this subject has been SUCH a big thing in my life. It isn't any longer, because we are one and done for sure, but oh Morgan, I've spent SO much time right where you are Its a hard decision!!!

 

[whitelop]

I know that kids aren't friends with their siblings. I think its nice for them to have a playmate when they're little, but when they're older who knows what could happen. Like my husband, he only talks to his sister when she is in our town with his parents. My best friend doesn't talk to her oldest brother unless he needs something, and her other brother passed away a few years ago. Its also hard for her with her sister because she is 6 years younger and is a junior in high school and a total brat, haha.
My FIL comes from 6 kids and they are ALL spoiled brats. They are from a huge family and they all think they're only children. Two of them have passed away and that leaves my husbands aunts and his dad and none of them speak either. So its like, they probably played together as children and then they grew up and three of them went nuts and the other three were just there thinking they were the only ones. Sometimes it puts a lot more of a strain on a family to have more than one kid because there is always going to be drama between the kids.

Lisa, you said that people probably don't regret having a second child? Hahah. WRONG! When I was a nanny, I kept these two girls. They were 9 and 6 when I had them, the parents had been together for like 15 years before they had the girls, they had been together from the age of like 15 on. They had the first one and she was a great kid, never complained, was never bad. Then the second one came and she had some sort of emotional problem. And her dad actually told me that they should have not had her and should have kept it at one. Thats a terrible thing to say. Especially, since she was such a sweet little girl, she was just a little misunderstood.

I don't want anyone to decide for me, I was just wondering everyone's thought process on why or why not they had a second or third child. I also agree that when you get to numbers 3 or more then its probably easier since you've already done it so many times.

I didn't have an issue with the newborn stage. I'm pretty sure that my only skill set is taking care of children, whether they be mine or someone elses. And I don't really like kids that much either. I like them...enough. I just have no patience and I hate to see parents not parent their kids. I'm pretty sure that I could handle another newborn as long as my son got on board with it! hahaha.

 

[agnesthelion]

Lisa, you said that people probably don't regret having a second child? Hahah. WRONG! When I was a nanny, I kept these two girls. They were 9 and 6 when I had them, the parents had been together for like 15 years before they had the girls, they had been together from the age of like 15 on. They had the first one and she was a great kid, never complained, was never bad. Then the second one came and she had some sort of emotional problem. And her dad actually told me that they should have not had her and should have kept it at one. Thats a terrible thing to say. Especially, since she was such a sweet little girl, she was just a little misunderstood.

^^^yeah, you are probably right....I bet there are people who regret a second....or 3rd....or whatever. And yes that is a horrible thing to say...poor girl I actually know someone who I think they *might* regret their second but would never admit it. But I guess what I meant is the majority of couples will be in love with all their kids and not deep down change things. But im sure there are exceptions.

It is a tough decision. I felt alone sometimes making mine because it's not common for people to stop at one. And people with more than one will always tell you to have more! Haha. So I had to kinda think by myself alot as to what I wanted......

Ya all families are different. I know a gal who just had her sixth and she doesn't know if she's done! So I can't imagine her life but she can't imagine mine with just one

 

[SnowyShiloh]

Agnesthelion, I'm sorry to hear that people give you a hard time for having one child. They need to mind their own business, jeez! And I suppose it never occurs to some people that many parents may only have 1 child because of fertility problems or something? It probably really hurts if someone is dying to have a second child but can't because of fertility issues, and then they have people ragging on them for not having another kid.

I don't have kids yet, but think the number of kids should be 100% up to the parents. So 0, 1, 2, 6- whatever they want and can provide for and love. My husband and I used to think we wanted 3, but because of fertility issues, I will be thrilled to have just 1. If we're lucky enough to have 1 child, I hardly think he/she will be deprived because of not having a sibling. A lot of people seem to think that young siblings will be friends, but in my experience it seems like most siblings annoy the heck out of each other and argue and fight and pick on each other much of the time! They may grow up to be close (or not), but young siblings often seem to bug each other. My brother is 2 years older than me and was a huge jerk to me until he was about 20. Now we get along completely fine and even enjoy each others' company, but aren't really close. I am definitely glad that I have my brother, but still don't think it's necessary to have 2 kids if you don't want to or are reluctant

 

[Apebull]

Lisa I agree that you should not let society or anyone else make this decision or any decision for you. And even as kids they don't always get along. My brother hated my lil sister for the time she came home. They get alone now as adults better then any of us do which is funny. And mine love each other, but they still fight. They can go from laughing to fighting at the drop of the hat. My son as a wee bit of a temper. And Morgan having a toddler and a new born is rough. My daughter was a good baby and toddler, until I would sit down to nurse my son then I remember thinking if she could figure out how to juggle knife and run on the back of the couch she would. She quickly learned now is the time to get into everything since mommy can't get up or even yell without making the baby cry. They are pretty smart that way. And remember babies and toddlers are super cute, but like baby buns they grow up and now I have a wonderful pre-teen girl and I'm not looking forward to the next couple of years of that. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my daughter she is really the best child ever. I'm just not looking forward to hormones which are already starting to show there wonderful self.

 

[agnesthelion]

Don't get me wrong I LOVE my daughter she is really the best child ever. I'm just not looking forward to hormones which are already starting to show there wonderful self.

^^^lol April, this made me chuckle. My friend has 3 girls! Two of which are preteen and a teenager. She has me in stitches half the time with her humorous description of her teen girls hormones. Her husband hides out in the basement with his dog, who is a male, because hes not sure how to deal with the raging hormones.
She makes it funny but there's truth to what you are saying for sure. Haha. Girls are dramatic!!!

 

[Apebull]

Yes I'm so already loving the crying because I won't do her hair. She has very long hair down to her butt and is ALWAYS having me braid it for her. My husband told her the other day to either figure it out herself or cut it off. You would have though the world was going to end. And yes I still do braid it for her even though my husband isn't happy about it and yes she is starting to learn to do it herself.

 

[whitelop]

Thats a good bonding thing though, you doing her hair. Sure she should know how to do it herself, but I'm sure its nice to braid your daughters hair. My mom is a barber and I could NEVER get her to do my hair. She stopped cutting and coloring my hair when I was 15 and I started going to her best friend. hahaha. My own mother who did hair for a living made me pay someone to do my hair! hahah.

I know it would be hard to have a toddler and a newborn. I can't imagine, but I sort of want a house full of kids. I mean, not like 10 or anything but I think 2 would be nice! I actually can't wait until my son is a teenager, I guess because I'm his mom and he'll always love me; my husband is a little worried about when he's a teen because boys always have a problem with their dads. Growing up with my best friend, seeing how her mom was with her sons friends and all of us, it was great. The house was always teaming with kids, my best friend and I and 2 of our other friends and her brother with 5 of his closest friends and the little sister. We would eat dinner together, all of us and we would laugh and argue together, it was great. I want that in my house. I want all the kids and the friends! hahaha. That may sound a little chaotic and crazy, but it was really nice.

I will say, that I was the BEST teenage girl! haha. I have been a little b*tchy my whole life, so when I became a teenager, it didn't shock anyone. haha. My parents also had loose control of the reins and they weren't bothered much by what I did. I did pretty much what I wanted, came and went. But I had a clean room and always took care of my own! haha. The way teenagers should be.

 

[kmaben]

I feel with you Lisa. Omar and I have been married almost seven years now. I love our alone time but we're both feeling that proverbial clock ticking. When Omar is day dreaming about a little a boy you know that clock is ticking hard! I even have names picked out for our non-existent children. We're looking at three years down the road before we can even start trying. I'll be in that *ahem* older category as well. But sometimes your best laid plans get shot to hell. Who knows? For us it's more like something is missing. Another reason and it's a little morbid but in my line of work it's a real possibility of something happening to me. I really want Omar to have a child of his own and a little piece of me still left to carry on. I've miscarried once and Maben women have a tendency towards difficult births. The thought of NOT having children is scarier than the DECISION to choose not to have children. Kind of a motivator to procreate.

 

[whitelop]

I feel with you Lisa. Omar and I have been married almost seven years now. I love our alone time but we're both feeling that proverbial clock ticking. When Omar is day dreaming about a little a boy you know that clock is ticking hard! I even have names picked out for our non-existent children. We're looking at three years down the road before we can even start trying. I'll be in that *ahem* older category as well. But sometimes your best laid plans get shot to hell. Who knows? For us it's more like something is missing. Another reason and it's a little morbid but in my line of work it's a real possibility of something happening to me. I really want Omar to have a child of his own and a little piece of me still left to carry on. I've miscarried once and Maben women have a tendency towards difficult births. The thought of NOT having children is scarier than the DECISION to choose not to have children. Kind of a motivator to procreate.

I'll be honest, it is terrifying to think that you put yourself in danger every time you go over seas and there's a chance you might not come back. Thats horrifying. But I think I totally understand why you would want to have something for Omar to have, that is half yours. Its a nice thought, but a little sad and scary too.

I feel a little selfish. Reading some of these responses and I'm like the big brat like "oh, I want another kid so my kid will have a friend! dur dur." And there are people who aren't able to have even one child. Or the thought of having or not having a child is scary because you may not make it home from work. I don't know, I feel like quite the tosser now!

PS. Thats not the only reason I want another kid, that is just my more silly reasons.

 

[HolyHandGrenade]

Since my trip to CA for Christmas, I've been having irrational thoughts about having a baby in the next couple of years because I dread the thought of having a kid after one of my paternal grandparents has passed. I went there for Christmas last year because I had been putting it off, and now Grandma is having more trouble getting around outside of the house and fell in a restaurant, and it scares me. It was a magical holiday, but strangely left me wanting to come back with a baby to "show" everyone. That sounds so crazy, but I just wouldn't want anyone on that side of the family (my dad's two siblings, neither married, and his parents) to miss out on any moments with my potential kid. Yep, I feel crazy now that I've typed all of that out. I was that girl who said ever since childhood that I never want a child. Now a couple of close friends have had kids, and I've seen firsthand some stuff that has gotten my silly woman-brain thinking. Make it stop!

As for your decision, good luck! Obviously I'm in no place to offer pros or cons

 

[agnesthelion]

The thought of NOT having children is scarier than the DECISION to choose not to have children. Kind of a motivator to procreate.

^^^exactly the reason we had our son! and ironically I had miscarried too so it panicked me into thinking, omg I can't have kids! Oh no! What now!

It is very sad you are faced with thinking about something happening to you but it's a real thought for you. And again, as far as regret, not something you or Omar would have about a child no matter what happens.

I will say ironically my hubby and I's decision to wait longer than normal standards effected our adjustment to babyhood. We led a very selfish, childless life for alot of years....traveled, slept in, ate out, bought what we wanted. So stopping all that was more of a bigger deal to us. But, even with that being said I have no regrets waiting. We had aLOT of fun pre-kid and I wouldn't change that for the world.

 

[agnesthelion]

@Morgan.....no, you don't sound like a brat or selfish at ALL! I totally get what you are saying and had your very same thoughts. Having a playmate for your child and the decision for #2 is a big deal! You didn't come off at all like you don't understand others situations or anything like that not even for second!

 

[agnesthelion]

Hahaha Missy.....it's the "clock"! hahahahahahahah. Something happens! I spent most of my 20's convincing everyone that I was being truthful when I said I didn't want kids. People would try to tell me....oh, you will change...and then I'd try even harder to prove them wrong! Lol.

Now I'm 35 and a stay at home mom

 

[kmaben]

Yikes! Morgan I didn't mean it like that at all! Although the "dur dur" part sounded really funny in my head. I'm gonna say that at work when one of my joes irritates me see if they go away. Those are just my reasons for wanting children. Such as Lisa has her reasons. Mine seem more emotional and out of circumstance. But then again that's most of my life. Worked so far. You'll choose whats best for you. Once your pregnant you can't really debate it then now can you?

 

[whitelop]

Kaley, I know you didn't mean it to be so serious or to make me feel like a tosser. Its just like, you don't think about certain things when you live a different life, ya know? Like I'm not in the military so I don't know what its like AT ALL to be deployed or home waiting for someone who is gone. So to me, in my own head, its a little selfish of me. And then I think about all the people who have a hard time conceiving kids, it makes me also sound selfish, in my own head.
I don't know, sometimes I guess I don't think about other peoples life styles and life circumstances.
Its just sort of amazing to me and strange how different all of our lives really are. haha. That sounds silly.

Missy, the clock! hahaha. Welcome to the land of crazy, its totally happened! I kind of understand your want to bring a child into your family to be the one to show it to your grandparents, but then again I don't. I only have one grandma and she's a nutter. My son is lucky enough to have all four grandparents but uhm...3 out of 4 are pretty nuts too. While I never felt the need to bring a child into our family, because I hate them all, my SIL is feeling the pressure! haha. Shes 27, lives with her mom and probably will never have kids because shes...her. But she's told my in-laws on more than one occasion that she wants the life that my husband and I have. The house, the kid, the yard with a rooster. You know, the American dream! LMAO! JK about that part, but she's feeling the same maternal pull and the same crazy girl brain kick-in. And her clock is probably ticking pretty loudly too.
Hahah. Clocks. I'm pretty glad I never have to listen to a clock ticking.