Could use a hug

[Raspberry82]

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on here for a while, I was busy with selling my home and moving a lot to a new city with my bf (now ex). Things turned really bad once we got a place in the new city here and he started his new job which caused him to have a drinking problem and thus become pretty unstable/mean/oppressive/etc.

On the one hand, I feel very happy and relieved to be free of a relationship that turned so unhealthy and unloving, but after 3 years together I also still feel like I'm remembering how to be myself again too now that I'm single and on my own, beginning a new life in a new city, rebuilding, and all that.

Felt a little sad today about things, even though this is good, silly female emotions still come up and need to get out.

Anyway much love to all of you and your bunny babies!

<3
Athy

 

[Luvr of Wabbits and Polar Bears]

Hi Athena,

Nice to see you back.

Smokies says Hi and will share a hug with me to you.

 

[CKGS]

Welcome back. I never knew you before as I am new (fairly new anyway). I understand what you mean about getting back in touch with who you are. I did the same with my ex husband. I was with him for 7 years and it was a terrible marraige except for the 2 beautiful boys I got out of it. After leaving him I had to relearn everything about me. It had always been about him so it was hard and I understand all the emotions too. (((Athy))) Believe me, it does get better.

 

[maherwoman]

I'm so sorry to hear that all that happened to you...((HUGS))

Glad to hear that you're getting to know yourself again, though...it's so important to do!

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

(((HUGS)))

 

[Raspberry82]

Thank you everyone, you're all such loving people!

I had never been in a bad relationship before, it's really scary how they can become almost emotionally addictive in some ways to break out of even if you really want to get out. I had never been with someone who had a drinking problem or emotional instability due to drinking.. and yeah, because of the alcohol addiction.. everything in the relationship was about HIM. Not showing love on me, but me giving.

On July 4th, he got so wasted he started to threaten me and become physical, so I felt I had to call the police to calm things. They saw I had some swelling above my eye because he slapped me hard and I didn't know in Washington state that is an automatic arrest. Sigh. My family and friends said I absolutely did the right thing to feel safe, that I shouldn't have waited to see if he was going to act on his threats. Of course, his family is PO'd that he now has legal issues to deal with because he may be charged with spouse abuse.

I'm shocked I could have gotten into a relationship that would end like that... never thought I'd wake up one day and know I had to take actions like that. But at least now things are 100% done and over between us, totally severed.

I spent so much time getting wrapped up in what mood he'd be in when he got off work, if he'd be drunk when I got home, if he'd be drinking and come home angry. Horrible way to live. And I never could have imagined I'd be in a situation like that that turned me into the text book definition behavior that the wife of an alcoholic has.

He hates my guts now, but what's done is done. Moving on to MUCH better, sweeter, and kinder men who truly love me!

Lesson learned :expressionlessray:

 

[Flashy]

I'm so sorry that you've been going through all that, but I'm really impressed that you had the strength to break out, so, without being patronising, very well done!

How have things been since you split up? Have you got somewhere good/safe to live?

Not sure how you feel about what's happened with him, but if its causing you problems then maybe it might be worth looking into a support group or something- if you haven't already.

I hope this step makes things far improved in your life and allows you to become far happier all round.

Good to see you back

 

[Raspberry82]

Thank you Flashy! Good to see you too . Yes, I think I will need to join a support group or at least see a therapist for a while for good measure to get my happy self fully back. He's definitely a really not good guy, and I'm very glad to be free.


I did find a great apt with a good friend to move into august 1st. Until then, my brother is paying for me to stay at an inn, so I won't have to be near the ex. He's trying to be a bit controlling with allowing me enough time to get my furniture/stuff moved out, but at least I have the law and my family on my side to help with that . Things will be ok.

I'm still amazed at how low a guy can go though, wow when they're not a good person :O.

 

[SweetSassy]

Sending youHUGS :hug2: Hope things get better realsoon for you......April

 

[Flashy]

I think seeking out some professional support is probably a really smart idea, sooner rather than later for your sake. Maybe some of each (therapy and support group) might help is different ways.

I think it's expected he wants to try and control everything, after all, he's spent this last X amount of time trying to control you and now he can't control you anymore and so he is scrabbling around for any way to control you because that's how he has coped with what has gone on for him. The sooner you get your stuff the better, definitely, because the sooner he can then be physically out of your life and you are then only left with his mental and emotional impact from when you were together.

I'm just glad you're safe and out of there.

 

[anneq]

I was in a relationship that was very similar to yours (this was a LONG time ago, and he also was heavily into drugs and physically violent). Believe me, you did 100% the right thing to get out before it got any worse. The loss of self-esteem is one of the hardest things to get back. As women, we can so easily let others define who we are. In some ways this is understandable, but it can cause problems for us when we make a mistake in choosing another.



Me and the bunnies send you /hugs
Sounds like your on the right track

 

[aurora369]

Wow, that is such a brave thing for you to do. I am so glad to hear that you have family to help you and support you through this.

Honestly, I think having him in trouble with the law will be good for him. The sooner people stop enabling him, and allow him to come to a realization of how bad his drinking problem is, the sooner he will be able get himself help. "Rock bottom" cannot be reached when everyone around you is covering up for you or hiding your actions.

Have you thought about looking for an Alanon group? I used to go to them just after my father left my life due to drug abuse. This group is for people who are on the other end of alcholism, the ones who are affected by the people in their lives who have a substance abuse problem.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

This is a lovely quote from my alateen one day at a time book:

"Flowers need sunshine and rain to grow and blossom. If they only have sunshine, they whither and die.

It's like that with life, too. I have to take the rain along with the sunshine. Sometimes I wish Id didn't have any problems. But without them my life might be boring and I'd miss out on some great opertunities to grow.

Growth can be very painful, but the problems I have can make me dig deep to find answers. They help me form roots in the program. They make me a stronger person and keep me growing each day."

Keep strong.

--Dawn

 

[Raspberry82]

Dawn,

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. It's funny you mention Al-Anon, because my mother also thinks I should attend to better understand the affects this has on the non-alcoholic people in the person's life and why things happen the way they do. Also nice support system for dealing with these painful feelings remaining with me from going through that. And why the people don't ever pick to change or accept they have a problem, no matter who begs them, until they hit major rock bottom.

This hasn't been his 1st run in with the law and alcohol I later found out, he's had dui's.

I think it's especially hard when you know you won't ever hear that "I'm sorry, I was wrong" or being asked forgiveness for anything they did.. never getting that and having to find it through your own release and forgiveness towards them.

Unfortunately, his family heavily enables him and covers up for him and his actions, didn't concern them that he hit me or has a bad drinking problem, he can do no wrong and everything is my fault. They actually expected me to just ignore his threats/drinking/verbal abuse/etc and what had happened and simply let him sleep it off, "oh he was just really drunk, it's ok". Obviously, things would only have been much worse once he got really drunk again!

Strange family dynamic! But that's what alcoholic family's do I'm told. So it would have to get severely severely bad for him to wake up and be responsible for his actions/drinking problem especially since he has many family members with alcoholism problems.

I'm one of those people that always sees the good in other's too, and have a habit of putting other's needs/desires above my own, always having faith they'll get things on track ,etc. Now I'm going to be vary careful about being with anyone who drinks too much or has any alcoholics in their family and let's themselves drink! Or emotional stability issues combined with alcohol issues.

I love that quote! It's good to remember that growth cannot happen without pain or sadness as well as sunshine. I'm ready for the sunshine, I feel like I just survived a flood or hurricane .

Thank you all, you're all such wonderful people!

 

[aurora369]

It sounds like you are definitely heading in the right direction for sunshine!

I was definitely force to grow up quickly due to my father's drug addiction. It was his second serious addiction problem, as he was a recovered alcoholic. I can remember going to meetings with him as small child, and he was sober for many, many years. And then somehow, he wound up on cocaine, and I made the tough choice of choosing not to be around him when he is an addict. I told him I would only be around him or have a relationship with him if I knew for sure he was clean and sober. So, I haven't had a relationship with him for almost ten years now, since I was 15.

Substance abuse sucks. It really sucks. And the worst part about it is that it does not just affect the addict, it affects every single person they come in contact with. Family members, spouses, co-workers, friends...

I found going to alanon meetings very helpful for me. It helped me to alleviate some of the guilt I was feeling (and still feel) about what happened. And sometimes, it's just nice to be around people who have been through the same thing. If you do go, you will start to discover that most addicts have very similar behaviour. I am now able to pick up on that behaviour very quickly when I meet new people, and it allows me to keep my distance from that destructive behaviour.

Keep trucking. Life will go on, and things will get better.

However, this will always be with you, and you will need to learn how to cope effectively and positively. Unfortunately, what he did will forever affect you, however, you can take his power away by not letting it destroy your life and by learning to go on and have a happy life. Learning to be happy despite what he did is your best form of revenge (well, at least I think anyways).

If you ever need to talk, my PM box is always open.

--Dawn

 

[Raspberry82]

You're an amazing person, Dawn. Thank you so much .:hug:

 

[Pet_Bunny]

Lots of sunshine to you Athena. :sunshine:

After the rainfall, may there be rainbows too. :rainbow:

Stan :hug:

 

[irishlops]

:hugsquish::hug2::hug1
sounds liek a rough time for you... hugs from me and my 2 bunnies. maybe dog for good meaasure

 

[Raspberry82]

Lol, thank you all so much! All your kind words have really made me feel better.

I'm especially grateful that I know now that beingin a relationship and in love with someone who's an alcoholic is a terrible, painful, life to have.. because there won't ever be an end to the grief, hurt, their self-centeredness and addiction troubles/ups/downs. And the disease only gets worse until they hit whatever "bottom" it is that finally wakes them up (if that even happens). They aren't ever able to love their spouses like normal people do because alcohol will always be their #1 above all else. I'm glad I had a family to help me be strong and friends, enough to get out and stay out. A part of me will always love a part of him (the person he is when he can stay sober), but keeping his horrible drinking personality in the forefront of my mind really keeps things in reality and not letting my heart have any say anymore as far as he's concerned.

I feel extremely thankful that I do not have the disease of alcoholism or in my family, what an immense life long struggle it is to have and cope with!