Carmel & Charlie

[lagadvocate]

Carmel's Journal


1/23/08
I'm going to keep a journal here within my blog, I hope that's ok. I wish I'd kept something like this when Buddy was diagnosed. But since I got Carmel's bad news today, despite my frazzled mind right now, I want to start a journal. So that I can have it and that maybe someone else might find it useful down the road.

Today Carmel was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. The same diagnosis that took her beloved Buddy from her 1 year ago. It hasn't fully set into my brain yet I don't think. She's not well. This I know. But I cannot register nor handle the possibility that I may very well be spending my last days with her now.

I've had this girl since she was barely 8 weeks old. She's been through all the ups and downs with me during some of my most tumultuous years of my life. She was also there with me when Buddy passed. My husband was on the road, so Carmel and I had each other. I love my girl. I'm not going to write much about her medical status today. That will be tomorrow hopefully. I made this little slide show for my girl.

http://s196.photobucket.com/albums/aa64/bunlove_photo/carmel/?action=view&current=f9d8b301.pbr

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

I'm holding on to Carmel with you. I know and I'm here for you.:hug:

 

[lagadvocate]

Carmel's Journal

1/23/08

Today has been bad for my precious baby girl. She is getting progressively worse. She has not eaten anything since she came home from the vet yesterday. In fact,she's been sicker than ever since she camehome from the vet after starting these meds. She's been lying around the house in unusual places. I gave her both of her medications (lasix and enalapril) but it was a struggle and I'm not sure if I'm helping her by giving them. I hate that it is stressing her out even more. Vet called today and I told them that she is not doing well. They said to start force feeding. I'm using pumpkin, Nutri-Cal, and pedialyte. She does not like this either. Most of it dribbles out of her mouth, but I don't want her to aspirate.

She is tired and scared. I can't seem to comfort her. There is no cure for congestive heart failure. I know this. And this is the worst part. Watching, waiting, praying. Trying to give her supportive care, but being watchful and able to know if and when she'll need to be let go.

My wish would be that if she must leave this earth, that God will take her softly intoHis arms and out of her pain. I don't want it to be as it was with Buddy.On a steel exam table. Idon't want that for her. I don't want her to be in pain and afraid. I never thought that something like this would happen to Carmel.

She's always been my healthy bun. Never sick, gut of steel, played hard... I mean, Buddy had health problems his whole life (poor guy), but I've always jokingly called Carmel my 15 year bunny. Thinking that she'd have a long healthy life. I guess that was stupid of me. I of all people shouldknow by now that life is expert at derailing one's plans and hopes.

I suppose that my plan (at this point) is to do what I did with Buddy. Giveher supportive care and try to keep her as comfortable as possible until I see that she is struggling to breathe. I will not let her suffer that way. Soit is oneheart breaking day at a time.

 

[lagadvocate]

Carmel's Journal

1/24/08

Carmel has shown no improvement nor decline today. I'm still having to force feed, but she is starting to eat a small amount on her own. The worst part is giving her the meds. She fights so hard. I've never had this much trouble giving meds to any bun. Still debating on the stress factor and if it's even worth putting her through this.

I remember after Buddy died from heart failure, I told myself that if I ever had another bun with heart failure that I would not put them through these futile attempts at controlling it. That, in the end, the disease wins and it just prolongs their pain. When Buddy was getting sicker, I kept telling myself that I would give him just one more day, and then one more day. Why? It was for me I think, and that was selfish. On the other hand, I'd not dealt with it before, so I was learning as I went.

Knowing what I know now, and knowing how cardiac medicine is still in somewhat ofit's infancy in rabbits, I should know what to do. But I can't bring myself to do it. Why must I insist on waiting until she is at the worst possible point. I suppose that's the human in me. Hoping that a miracle may happen at any moment and wanting to give her the time for it to happen.

In any case, I'll stop updating this journal on a daily basis unless something important happens that I want to write down. Otherwise I think I'll just keep it to every few days.

 

[cheryl]

I'm really so sorry about what's happening to Carmel,sometimes life just aint fair and it sucks...i do know how you must be feeling though,because i went through a very rough time with my Pippi who had EC....i understand how stressful things can seem,and honestly my heart is with you.

Carmel is such a pretty little girl...and so lucky to have a mum like you to take such good care of her.

Thinking of you and Carmel

Cheryl

 

[lagadvocate]

Carmel's Journal

1/30/08

Well, we are just taking it one day at a time still. Carmel has her ups and downs. There's not good days and bad days...there's good moments and rough ones for her. She still fights like a cat in a bag when it comes to her meds. I'm thinking of taking video of it and posting it to see if I can get any suggestions to do it better.

Her appetite has gotten somewhat better but not by much. She tires easily and is still laying down in spots that she's never laid in before. That is so strange, I wonder if there's something to that.

I've been having a hard time dealing with guilt over Charlie as well. With Carmel being so sick and with these very wellpossibly being her last days, I don't let him out for run time for as long as normal. Because when I let him out, Carmel has to go in the hallway. It's not a bad setup, but I just like for her to be able to choose where she wants to be right now. So Charlie's been getting about 5 hours a day out of his pen. Then he looks all bummed when I put him back in. :sigh:

Tonight has been a little rough for her. She was doing pretty good this afternoon, followed me outside onto the deck a few times and such. But now she's having some trouble breathing and her heart's beating pretty hard.

I talked to the vet yesterday when he called for an update. He said he'd like to re-check her in a week and see about adjusting her meds. I dunno about him, but what can I do right now. When I go seehim though, I'll be asking for written scripts for her medsso that I can order them from the pet pharmacy that I used for Buddy. Much more reasonably priced.

Anyway, here's acouple of pics from a few nights ago when she was feelingsomewhat spry. Chewing up the papers in my hubby's "reading room" hehe.

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

Hey Beth,

Glad to know it's going okay:?. I'm thinking the reason the vet wants to see her again is to possibly lower the dosage, of Enilapril anyway (which is used to try to open up the blood vessels to allow more oxygen through), maybe Lasix too. Once it starts working, dosage should be lowered.

I noticed upset stomach with Bun Bun, he had mushy poos, and there wasn't much I could do about that. Plus, when we let him out, he'd lay down, get up and move, and lay down again, but the Lasix makes them pee and they can't help it. It happens to humans too, it 's thefluid being taken off the heart:?.

Keep us posted, Beth.

Remember, pm me anytime.:hug:

Crystal

 

[lagadvocate]

So it's only been a few days since I lost Carmel. I miss her terribly and hate it when I wake up and think "oh I need to get Carmel her meds." I hate the grieving process, but I suppose that I'm doing ok. I've been thinking alot about Congestive Heart Failure lately. Wondering how common it really is. It just seems so strange that both Buddy and Carmel died of it. They weren't from the same litter. But they were bought from the same pet store about six months apart (before I became an adoption only person).

I'm driving myself crazy wondering what causedit. Was it environmental? We've moved several times over the course of their lives. Was it the time that they spent at that horrible boarder? Was it due to cigarette smoke? (before I realized that, duh, I should NEVER smoke around buns and I do not anymore). It'sjust maddening. Plus I keep staring at Charlie now, wondering ifhis heart beat looks strange, or if he's breathing too fast. Or if I should not try this new litter because it may betoo strong.ullhair:

But I need to just settle down and breathe. I think it's all part of grieving. Trying to make sense of it all. In the meantime, my Charlie boy is as charming as ever. Such a love bun. Seems I'm getting extra cuddles from him lately. He's a little confused by all of this, but he's ok. So I've got some good pics of him for the next post.

 

[lagadvocate]

Celebrating Charlie

what's this? mama left the food jar open? :

well I'm sure it's ok if i help myself to a little taste! :

hey daddy, no sleeping!

Yay, I woke him up! Ok now pet me :

Note to mama: You have photo editor that get's rid of red eye. USE IT will ya???

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

Hee Hee, thoseare so cool! I have one withmy hubby (since Snuff is His bun).

(Oh, and Charlie and Snuff look just alike.)

We have more in common than you think, haha.:shock:

 

[LuvaBun]

LOL! It looks like Charlie can't believe his luck, finding the jar open. And seeing him with his Daddy - so cute!

It's only natural to wonder why things happen when we lose somebun, but sometimes things just happen and there are no answers. Like you say, it's all part of grieveing :hug:

Jan

 

[NZminilops]

That last pictures is so cool! I am always trying to snap pics of people with my buns but they always move or I can't find the camera :X.

I loved 'hubbies reading room' pics too, hehe .

 

[lagadvocate]

Thanks for the comments guys.

So, Charlie has been livin' the free life since Carmel passed. I took his pen down a little bit at a time so I wouldn't freak him out to much.He didn't care at all though, he's just happy to be able to go where he wants when he wants.

Even though they weren't bonded, I do think Charlie enjoyed Carmel's company (through the safety of the pen bars). She layed next to his pen every night and he layed on his side. So even though he feared her when they were face to face and she usually tried to pound on him, I think they liked having rabbit companionship, no matter how limited.

I don't think I'll be getting another bun any time soon. I know that I will want to have more bunniesin my life, but I need time. Plus, Charlie seems to be enjoying being the center of attention. Although he's been remarkably clingy to me (not that I'm complaining, I love all the attention from him too!):biggrin2:

Anyway, here are a couple of pics of my lil man chilling on his "bed". Funny, I bought this cushion for Carmel a long time ago but she never liked it. Now, Charlie is like "Where has this thing been all my life?!?!"

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

Oh, isn't he precious!? Aw!

I know he just looks chubby cuz the way he's laying, but heee. Cute!

 

[lagadvocate]

Yeah, hehe, he does look chubby with his belly all smooshed out

In fact his nickname is Chubs because of that

 

[LuvaBun]

Charlie looks sooo cute laying on that pillow - like he's claimed it as his own.

It sounds as if Charlie and you are getting a stronger bond . You'll know when it's the right time to let another bun in your life. Until then, you and Charlie just enjoy each other

Jan

 

[TinysMom]

I know you've had a lot of losses - but I think it is so neat you're choosing to celebrate Charlie and his life.....

I know for me - it is so easy to get bogged down in the grief of what I've lost - and forget to appreciate what is still left to me. I'm so glad you have Charlie to love....he's adorable.

Peg

 

[lagadvocate]

This is the last post that I will be writing in this blog. This is the hardest post I've written as well. About 4 hours ago, Charlie, my beloved Holland Lop died. To say that I was completely blindsided by this is a gross understatement. My heart is absolutely shattered. I'm sitting here writing this because I cannot sleep. I cannot stop thinking about the very violent way he passed. I cannot stop thinking about how much I love him and need him.

I only lost Carmel a month ago from heart failure and now I've lost my last little baby. For the past few weeks he'd been having these "episodes" where he would sort of choke up/wretch, and some mucus and food particles would come out of his mouth and nose. It panicked him, obviously, and I didn't know why it was happening. I had gotten lots of advice via forums and EB, but nobody really knew for sure...how could they, it's just the internet. I actually called the new vet today and made an appointment for him for Thursday. I was stupid. I waited too long. This is completely my fault. My husband and I were both down with the flu a few weeks ago and since, like many, we live paycheck to paycheck...we just hadn't recovered financially from the loss of workand Charlie paid the ultimate price.

But I thought, stupidly, that since the episodes were sporadic and not everyday, that maybe he'd be ok til I got the money up. He'd be completely normal after the episode was over. I am so furious with myself. I should have pawned something. Anything to get him the help he needed. If I had, he wouldn't have choked to death tonight.

Money is the root of all evil. I firmly believe that. I don't care about money, I'm still several thousand in debt from Buddy and Carmel's heart failures. But poor Charlie got sick when the credit cards were maxed out. And I just didn't fight hard enough for him. If I had taken him in when this first started happening, he'd be here with me now.

I had Charlie for under a year, but I loved that bunny fiercely. His heart was full of nothing more than sweetness and innocence. Such a loving bunny, just wanting to be near us as much as he could. Not demanding, just a gentle soul grateful for any affection he received.

So now all of my bunnies are gone. I cannot tell you how empty my home feels, let alone my heart. The pain I'm feeling now is causing me to physically ache. The tears just won't stop. I can't get a grip. I just want my baby back. This shouldn't have happened to him.

Right now I feel completely unfit as a bunny mom. I feel that I failed Charlie miserably and I still cannot comprehend what caused my other two to both die of heart failure. Sure, I give them lots of love, good food, and a house to run as they wish. But what is happening here? Is there something in my house causing all of these sweet creatures to become so ill? What is it? Or is it just me?

So I don't know when or even if I'll ever get another bunny. I am devoted to them for sure. I love bunnies. I think they are the ultimate companions and there is no pet that can compare to them. I feel like the bunny version of the grim reaper. And it seems so morbid and wrong. Because I love them so very much. And I do every thing in my power to give them all they need. But I have failed.

So since this blog was created for my sweetie pies, Carmel and Charlie, it will end here.

Binky free my sweet buns, mama loves you more than you'll ever know.

:bunnyangel:

 

[naturestee]

:bigtears:

I'm so sorry. Charlie was such a gorgeous bun. Those pictures of him on the bed are priceless- a house rabbit living the high life.

I don't know exactly what happened, but I do know that you shouldn't blame yourself. Yes, it's rotten that bad stuff happened and you couldn't afford a vet to check his problem out. But what would they have found? And how would it be treated? Unless it was an abscess that could be treated with antibiotics, I'm not sure what they would do. I'm guessing there was some sort of problem with his throat, and I do remember Irishmist's dutch boy that had somewhat similar issues and ended up having, if I remember right, a huge cancerous mass in his throat.

Sometimes rabbits can be very delicate, and you've had a run of very bad luck. If it makes you feel better, you are not the only person to have a run of bad luck with rabbit health. It happens, and it does not mean that you are a bad bunny parent!

I know how much this hurts, I've been there. But please don't stop being a bunny parent, because I think you're a great one. When you feel it's right, get another bun. Maybe a rescue bun in the memory of the babies you lost. Or volunteer at a shelter- that's what helped me when Sprite died. I needed to go help other rabbits and feel like I was doing some good somewhere. Even if you still have doubts about how good of a bunny parent you are (I have no doubts about you!), remember that a rescue bun is much better off with someone who loves him than in a kill shelter or overcrowded rescue.

Binky free, Charlie. We'll never forget you.

:hug:

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

:bigtears:

I am so sorry, honey. What a terrible shock. I know you blame yourself totally, but please try not to.

We're here for you, I hope you stick around.