Why is it so hard to say "No" to people?

[Sabine]

I feel so horrible and i know i have no reason to. Some time during the day i received this text message from an aquaintance asking if their son could come to our house tonight.
Her son and my son, Jakob, know each other from school and Jakob had been to their house many times in the past but for the last year or so he isn't that keen on this boys company. Personally, I think he is a really nice boy but for some reason Jakob doesn't want to hang out with him anymore.
This has been going on for quite a while and lately he has also avoided going to their house etc...
The thing is, most of my son's friends (he is almost 13) arrange their visits and sleep overs among themselves and then ask parents permission. The mother of this boy always rings up and asks on his behalf. So I am always caught in this awkward situation of getting the phone call and then feeling obliged to make up some excuse. I simply can't bring myself to say that jakob doesn't want him around. Jakob can't tell the boy either because it's always the mom making the arrangement.
Apart from the fact that Jakob had no interest and it was highly inconvenient. So I texted back saying that Jakob had his guitar class tonight (which is true) and I also said he would spent the rest of the week at his dad's to avoid being asked about another night this week. This is only half true as he is only going on wednesday.
A while later the phone rings, I missed the call and I find a voice mail saying if it was ok to drop him up after the guitar class and they wanted him out of the house because it was his older brother's birthday party!
At that stage I had to spell it out that it was really inconvenient and that I had work tonight and have to be up tomorrow morning (Both true!)
I was hoping this was the end of it but then the phone rings again and it was Jakob's dad telling me the other boy's mother rang asking if I told her Jakob was in his place.... I nearly died!!!
I hadn't actually said that but it was ok with me if she had assumed he wasn't here. It didn't occur to me she would chek with Jakob's dad and ask him. I don't know why I feel so guilty. i would have thought my first excuse would have been enough to convey it didn't suit. How can I break this to the woman and avoid further embarrassing situations???

 

[Flashy]

You're a good person who wants to please people, and it can be hard when you have to do something that doesn't accommodate everyone, but essentially, you have to look after your own. It sounds like this woman is a user to be honest, she sounds like she contacted you because she wanted something, not because she thought it would be nice for her son, your son, you or anyone else. It was just more convinient.

Maybe when the moment has passed you could just give her a ring and maybe explain that Jakob is growing up and wants to make his own arrangements with his friends and so if her son wants to come round then maybe he could ask Jakob? I would highly doubt that the son would actually do that. Another option is just to tell her straight out that Jakob is starting to grow up and get a different variety of friends and feels he doesn't have much in common with her son anymore, and whilst he doesn't dislike him, he has a lot of friends that he already has arrangements with?

To be honest though, you did what had to be done for Jakob, and whether you got caught out or not, your son got what he needed, and that's the important thing. Don't feel guilty, feel proud that as a mum you protected you son and did whatever you had to do.

I do know the feeling though, I really do.

 

[JadeIcing]

First question...Is she a twit? Didn't she take the hint. Your son is happy and that is your main concern not her or her son.

 

[Sabine]

JadeIcing wrote:

First question...Is she a twit? Didn't she take the hint. Your son is happy and that is your main concern not her or her son.

That made me really laugh:biggrin2: And the funny thing is there have been so many "hints" over the last year or more. Usually the situation being having her on the phone and Jakob wildly and silently gesticulating in the background that under no circumstances did he want him up here. I must have made up at least a dozen excuses or so and for a while I thought she must have got the hint. So this one hit me out of the blue

Tracy, you are totally right, I should really ring her and be open with her. But the thought of it makes me cringe. I am a total coward that way and I am scared she will take it as if I am saying something is wrong with her son.
I also have suggested that her son rings Jakob to make those arrangements, but I guess Jakob having left his phone behind in a friends place doesn't help. But then again, I more than once had my kids friends ringing me up looking for them. It's only for my five year old daughter I would expect parents to ring of course and even then, nobody actually ever invites their own kids into my house...
I so dread meeting her again...

 

[Luvmyzoocrew]

JadeIcing wrote:

First question...Is she a twit? Didn't she take the hint. Your son is happy and that is your main concern not her or her son.

That was great!!!!!!!! I would have been pissed that she called your son's father!!!! The whole situation should have been over with when you said that you couldnt, i hate it when someone cant take a hint.

 

[Korr_and_Sophie]

I say you need to let her know that you and your son are not interested. You don't have to be blunt, but you do have to be clear and make sure she knows. It will be easier in the long run (her not calling anymore) to do it. Be honest, say that Jakob is not interested i hanging out with her son and that if he did, they would arrange it on their own.

 

[Numbat]

She must be really slow not to get the hint. Can't Jakob tell the other boy they're not friends or something or don't they see each other? I can't believe she called Jakob's father! She must be really clingy or something! I would feel really bad telling her too but it's probably for the best

 

[Bo B Bunny]

Beingnice and trying to save her feelings isn't working. You need to just say something like...

You know, the boys really aren't that close anymore and Jakob has other plans.

Work the (what should now be more than obvious) issue into an excuse so that she can't really say that it's not true, blah, blah.... Jakob has other plans.

You do NOT have to give her an excuse at all...... No is NO and she needs to learn that. IF this approach doesn't work, I'd tell her....

You know, the boys usually handle this sort of thing on their own. Have your son talk to Jakob from now on....

or

Don't you think your son is old enough now to handle asking to visit on his own?

My daughter is this same age (well she's 13 now) and I never get phone calls from other moms unless we need to talk or whatever. Infact, I've only met a couple of dads when she went to spend the night with a group.

Now, I have told someone that the reason their daughter doesn't see Lexi much is that "She really spends a lot of time with her animals and her friends that show horses with her which leaves little time for other social get togethers." Which is true but it did let the woman know that basically, Lexi doesn't have time for the girl. Rude? maybe.

This woman sounds like a real idiot. Although, she could have a son that has issues with asking or he's lying to her about it. Still, she should never have called the father to "check up on Jakob's whereabouts"..... did she phone him to see if her son could go THERE?

 

[Sabine]

Yes, i think she must have hoped that his dad is more of a sucker and will be pressurized into letting the boy stay the night. In fact he may have agreed as he has way more space.

We don't actually have room physically for sleep overs unless one of our kids is at someone else's house. I clearly remember mentioning this to her in the past.

If I ever dare to speak to her again I will ask her to let the boys handle it themselves. I said in the past sometimes Jakob was a bit "odd" ehich isn't really fair, he simply isn't that keen on him and he has the right to chose his friends

 

[Bo B Bunny]

Another good response might be:

Wow! Jakob hasn't said anything to me about wanting your son to come over.... then tell her it doesn't really matter cause he/we have plans. If she asks what the plans are.... say something like:

Oh, we just have this thing we have to do... LOL!

 

[Wabbitdad12]

Well it doesn't sound like she takes subtle hints and knocking her upside the head isn't appropriate, next time she calls do what I do with telemarketers "Take me of your call list" It sounds like she wouldn't even get a blunt outright message.

Can you block her number?, when she no longer can get through maybe she will get the hint. It can be hard, but when/if you talk to her, don't leave any opportunities for her to ask further questions. Take the approach when a sales person tries to take out your excuses for not wanting to buy something. You know, if you say "I don't think I can afford that,it isa little expensive". They always keep trying to diffuse your objections to try and get the sale.

If she asks if her son can come over just say no, I am sorry, let there be dead silence, but don't offer an explanation, ifshe persists justsay I have to go bye and hang up.

 

[Sabine]

In the past I've done even awful things like waiting with a response until it was too late. In particular if the call or the text came while I am in the middle of a class. That also reminds me that I just fired a post card in the bin from an old school friend who has been writing to me on and off over the last couple of years and is asking now if she can spend her summer holidays in our housessd: I will respond to it some time but it sort of felt as if she was only keeping the contact to have a holiday destination some time. I hate those sort of talks/letters though, but at least writing it is easier than actually saying it, I always feel my voice or face will betray me..