When is it an appropriate time to tell a potential boyfriend about my past?

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BunnyLove89

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Some of you may have seen my thread about my boyfriend being jealous of my animals. The input I recieved led to ending the relationship.
I have started dating again, and I've found someone who I can see myself being in a relationship with. We're taking it slow, just trying to get to know each other.
I have a pretty dark past and alot of people can't handle it. I don't want to scare him off or tell him too early, but I don't want to wait too long and have him be mad at me for not telling him sooner.
I have trust issues from being abused (emotional, sexual, some physical) and it effects my relationships.
I grew up in an unstable home and there was alot of stress and fear. By age 17 I was hospitalized twice for hurting myself and trying to end my life.
I am also on medication for bipolar, anxiety, ptsd, and ocd.
I have been mentally stable for quite awhile, and really the only thing that effects my relationships are the trust and anger issues.
When would be a good time to tell him, and how would I go about it?
 
Hi! I think you should wait to tell this guy about your mental health history until you feel really comfortable with it. Don't feel like this is something you need to "warn" him about. If he does get mad that you didn't tell him sooner, then he's not a great guy. He should like you for who you are now. You can also ease into it and just tell him a smaller amount, like that you are on meds and they are working well, without going into details right away. We're not talking about an STD here, he's not required to know about it before considering doing anything with you.

Congrats on staying stable! I have depression, so I know how hard that can be. If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, don't be afraid to reach out to me, or especially to ask to talk to my husband. He's a crisis counselor, that's what he does. I'm not on the forum much anymore but if pm me I'll get an email notification.
 
The past has made you who you are but it does not define what kind of person you are. Your past sometimes just needs to be kept in the past. You had problems, you overcame them, and your better for it. Thats sll he needs to know.
ive been with my hubby for 3 years..we moved quickly. He still doesnt know everything about my past, the worst and best. My best friend and i talk daily all day, 8 years and we still dont know everything about one another.
For now, i would tell him you have a complicated past thats better left in the past. Unless it has to do with your relationship i wouldnt mention it until your more serious :)
 
With my current SO he knew my past before we even started dating but thats because we used to date in high school and we stayed friends over the years.

Just about any guy(minus my ex husband) i've been with we were friends before going into a sexual relationship. However my past has always been something that just randomly comes up in discussion. I didn't go out of my way to tell anyone. It just came out as we got to know each other.

I have PTSD, BPD, Fibromyalgia, Depression and Anxiety. Some things tend to show themselves pretty quickly others just come out over time. I have a lot of abuse and trauma in my past. I have friends who I am super close to now that still don't know just because they never came up in conversation. I don't hide anything. I just don't go out of my way to tell people. They are my own personal demons and I chose to battle them as they creep up in my day to day life.
 
Also one other thing. Did you check out the depression forum I pointed you towards? They have a great area on their forum for handling relationships with mental illness. Its been very helpful for me and I have known my SO for 14 years. I still have times though where I doubt myself and its been great having others who share the same issues that I do to talk to about day to day struggles.

I am happy to hear you are moving forward and into more healthy relationships :)
 
It definitely shouldn't be a big tell-all session. Just talk about things when it seems like they need to be said. Like not drinking & maybe not being able to eat some foods that interfere with your meds. Or when it's time to take a pill. If you have scars where he'll see them, mention them but as not a big deal because they're not important to who you are now.
 
I agree with Orlena. It will come up as time comes along. Don't feel like you need to go into detail. Just say "I have had some bumps in the road over the last few years and i've smoothed them out but no one can ever completely escape their hardships".

If things get serious and you decide you want to have children then you may have to discuss in detail some of the health issues because they can be hereditary such as Bi-polar. So it is something that you need to discuss. But thats years down the road.

Don't be ashamed though. Everyone has their demons, some are just worse then others. But remember there is always someone who has it worse so its not something to hang up on.

You sound like a wonderful strong person and you have a good handle on life. If he is a great guy he wont let something like that hurt a potential relationship. And should it end up being a big deal don't dwell on it. Because it obviously wasn't really meant to be.

Be proud of who you are. Be proud of what you have faced and be proud that you didn't let the negative experiences in your life knock you down.
 
I have struggled with chronic depression, anxiety, PTSD & mild OCD for YEARS! Since being a young child... My husband only knew I had some anxiety when we got married... It wasn't something I hide from him, but we never had a big sit down disclosure if you will... He loved me for me and all that stuff didn't matter... Infect I was staying really regulated, and it never really came up until we lost our triplets in 2008... It was only then in therapy that he found out the extent on my struggles... And ait has improved our relationship! He knows certain things he can say to me, that will snap me out of an obsession or panic and he is awesome at just holding me when I panic.

Take your time, if he's the guy for YOU, your medical and emotional history won't matter... Share slowly as things come up!
 

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