What to do....

[PepnFluff]

So i've recently developed a interest in contacting my biological Grandmother.
Here some background on the situation. My Dad was brought up that this lady "Shirley" was his mother and didn't know until he was 18 when he went for his drivers license and got his birth certificate which read that "Lynne" was his actual mother. Lynne was around until he was quite young and for some reason she left and I *think that Gary made her leave (Gary's my grandfather)
When she left dad was put in foster care so I presume it was a pretty rough split. Dad's a very closed guy and were not close at all, he left when I was 7 and I saw him very little.

Gary and Shirley don't speak to us or have any contact with us and never have made any effort to have anything to do with us. Dad's aunt and uncle send us all birthday and christmas cards though and I've met them once or twice.

Anyway I was thinking that Lynne must be getting a bit old now I think she would of just hit 70 and dad's 50. I thought It would be nice to have some form of contact with her and that she might have no grandkids besides us etc. I think I may have tracked her down to Australia and have a e-mail address that could be hers. I would like to talk to dad about this but know that that's a very unlikely thing as all he has revealed is her last name and nothing else even when I've probed futher....So should I contact her without telling dad, do you think she want's to be contacted? She could have a completely new family and they might not know we exist........Or should I leave it and let old wound's die????

Sorry for the length of this but this has been sitting for a long time and don't know what to do.... This may not even be her....

 

[Bo B Bunny]

It can't hurt to reach out if you prepare yourself for anything. The grandmother might be open to you but then she might not. I wouldn't count on "Gary" for the discussion - he doesn't seem to be interested himself.

I would contact her in a way that lets her know you are mostly interested in the family history and such and that if she doesn't want bothered, not to worry but you would love to have that line of communication opened to that part of the family.

 

[PepnFluff]

That's what I'm scared of, If she like completely rejects me....Yea you can never count on gary from what I've heard. I'm thinking of creating a "school project"
but it's the holidays lol. Mum's met her once the time that Dad met her and she said they're very similar so she must play her cards close to her chest.... Should I tell dad I'm going to e-mail or just do it quietly and tell him the outcome if it's relevant?

 

[Bo B Bunny]

I wouldn't bother. I don't think he'd care or anything. I wonder why she is so distant?

I would just tell her that you are interested and that you are trying to do a family tree and would love to have any info from her. Also, that for the future you'd like to have the medical history of that part of the family.

Maybe she will be open to talking about the family that way. Most older people love to talk about when they were young and stuff.

 

[PepnFluff]

I'm not sure if this is accurate but I think she may of been told to stay away..... I'd thought she would of tried to have some contact but I don't think she has any contact details or anything for any of us.

I'm looking at the family tree I created in yr 8 and mum's side isgoes back to the great greatgrandparentsand Dad's side has his parents and his fathers parents. I would actually like to have a proper family tree so that's a good reason. I will actually need that medical history soon for when I go get my knee surgery......

Thanks

 

[TinysMom]

I'm adopted and I found my birthmom when I was 26....it was a good decision for me (in spite of the circumstances surrounding my birth and adoption). I had support from a couple of people as I searched and I was prepared in my heart in case my birthmom rejected me. I was blessed...she didn't reject me (although we haven't really spoken in years now due to busyness and distance and stuff).

I think you need to come to a place in your life FIRST where you determine a few things...

• Can you be ok if she rejects you? Or will it mess you up? (You sound pretty healthy emotionally about this and I imagine you'd be ok even though it would hurt).
• What do you want out of meeting her? Do you just want a few questions answered? Do you want a relationship? I think you need to know this before you contact her - so that if she asks "What do you want?" - you can let her know. She may like to meet you - but not be wanting to bring you into her current family per se. Or maybe she's been longing to find you and told others about you - but you're just wanting some questions answered. Knowing ahead of time what you want out of this - will help you and her.
• Can you handle it if your dad gets angry at you and cuts you off for a bit or something? How important is your relationhsip with him?

In my case - my adopted dad was against me finding my birthmom - my adopted mom was ok with it. My dad was mad for a year or so - but he got over it.

Good luck in whatever you decide. If I was in your shoes - I'd probably contact her without telling my dad about it - you sound like you're old enough to handle having an adult relationship with her and your dad without having to have her and your dad together in some dream scenario of them being reconciled to each other (which would be great).

 

[PepnFluff]

I think all it would do is let me know that she doesn't want anything to do with me and ofcourse it would hurt but as I've gone 16 years without her I don't think much would change.

I think I need to think about what I want out of contacting her. I'm not really sure. But I think I sorta just want to know she exists If you know what I mean.... As for meeting her that may never happen as I think she may live in Ausstralia and she may not be able to fly or something and I won't be able to afford to go until 2010/11.

I try to please my Dad, I don't know why actually. Him being angry at me I don't think would affect me that much well it would hurt but I see him once maybe twice a year and he calls every 4 months, this is a big step up from 2yrs ago when I saw him once every 2yrs and he called on my birthday. I don't think he would stay angry long as his partner would most prob make him see I have a right in communicating with her.

Apparently She and Dad are very similar in there behaviors and intrests so I don't actually know why nothing ever happened with their realationship......
Thanks very much Peg all your questions and stuff have made me think about alot. Thanks