Thought I would say..

[Orchid]

Thought I should say something before I poof.

I will try to keep it short.

I have battled a very severe depression for as long as I can recall. I get Social Security because they deem it so bad I am unable to have a job...
Which lately I have come to think of as more a crutch...not the point anyway...

For over a month now I have been getting worse and worse.
Not on meds here in NC because of money and insurance. Being here and alone most of the time...enclosed and shut off from the world I believe has made it worse.

I fall into doing things that don't help and just make it worse in the sense they help keep me stuck where I am...as I continue sinking. The puter is one of those things.
I will sit and spend hours at this machine and not get off my butt.

I need to make a change and try to get out of this funk.

I will still pop around...but my hope is to tell this thing to shut down when I go to bed tonight and start leaving it alone for awhile. Don't know how well that will work out...but I need to try and I need to do something to change the path I tread.

I will be thinking of everyone and everybun and keeping all of you in my thoughts.
I hope everyone is doing well or at least as well as they can.
Just wanted to say something so no one thought I just ghosted....

be well all!


Em

 

[seniorcats]

Many hugs to you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[TinysMom]

You might want to check out this thread from March 25, 2007......

http://www.rabbitsonline.net/view_topic.php?id=20173&forum_id=5

Peg

 

[SweetPeasMommie]

Aww Em, I am sorry that you are having problems. I hear you when you get into a routine that never quits too. Not just in depression but being on the pc all the time and not getting off of it, or not eating right etc.

I really hope this helps you by getting off the pc and limit it to how often a day and such. Lots of times I look forward going over my parents, or work or something out of the house or kept busy in the house, I am way from the pc. I am glued to my pc from the time I am up til the time I go to bed.

Lately I only check my email when I get up, get off after that and spend few hrs with hubby until he leaves for work, then I am back on it from 4:30pm until we both go to bed which can be at 3 am. so I am normally on from up til 3 or 4 am every day. Now I have tried every day since the weather is warming up and if there is no rain, I would walk cause I love walking. I would leave the house at 5pm after hubby leaves and return home at 7:30pm. 2.5 hours of walking. It helps break my routine.

I really can not help you with depression that you have but I really do hope something helps some how and by breaking your habits with the pc is a start. Maybe you can try to go outside on a porch if you have one at night when it is not cold or during the day to get fresh air. Everyone needs air.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I really hope you pop on when you can. Spring is what we all need to open windows and enjoy the sun.

Take care.

 

[Orchid]

Decided I am way too addicted to walk away cold turkey from the puter.
Thought I might try limiting myself to one hour in the morning and maybe checking in, in the evening just before bed.

Thank you seniorcats, I will check out that link Peg,...and thank you SWM...


I used to take a med that made such a difference...but it is not safe to take anymore.
It can cause (and does in me) rage attacks...I may get better, but I turn into this angry monster. The med is Neurontin...so anyone looking at taking it, please be careful. Down here in NC I can not get medicaid. So I have no way to see a shrink and get put on something.
My DX's are Bi-Polar NOS (Not otherwise specified) meaning I don't have a pattern to my mania or depression.
Also, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, panic attacks, ptsd and I fight with getting afraid to leave my house. Haven't ever been labeled anything for that...but I know it is out there. I wouldn't walk out my front door once for 6 months. Period, stayed inside all that time. I try to not let it happen for as long now. Try to fight it as much as possible. I get scared that if I let it win, I would one day never leave the house again.
I thought I was doing ok...but that was more a lie to myself than anything. Some days are worse than others.
What seems a constant is how bad I end up feeling at the end of the day when I have done nothing. Nothing of what I should at least. Sure dishes get done, laundry, the house is ok, Simon gets taken care of..etc...
But I haven't even been actively seeking work...which I at least try to. Most people won't hire me...but at least I had been trying. I used to at least drive around some and now...
Now I find I am doing bare minimum to get through a day. Not leaving the house unless I have to take Lina to school or needs smokes. Not taking a shower till right before bed...spending all my time on the puter, watching TV or playing playstation...
I have stopped talking to most of the people I know...
It is getting worse and not better....so last night as I was feeling so bad about myself I thought...take my own advice. I tell friends if they don't like something than change it. Don't like your guy, get rid of him, don't like where you live, move...
For me most things are that simple. Know when to fight for what you want, but know when to let go and change it up.

So I am going to try to get my self some sort of schedule..pattern..something, because I don't have one at all.

Mornings are hard for me...I have always been a night person. Depression makes it worse. I don't eat, or eat right...I barely sleep, I get aches, pains, headaches...feel like poo, and somehow manage to gain weight. I will end up going to bed at 3, 4am and than not getting up at 7am like I should for Lina. Some days she doesn't make it to school because of me. I can't express how bad that makes me feel...how bad a mother I end up feeling like...

So...form a plan and try to stick to it....right?

Decided I will drive her to school in the mornings every day. Bell rings at 9:15am. Bus comes at 8am but I don't like where the stop is anyway and that means getting up at 7am which I never tend to do.
So get up no later than 8:30, make sure to take a shower even if it means being a little late because that seems to make a difference in what I end up doing for the rest of the day,... leave the house by 9 and get her to school.
Come home and take care of Simon. Can't put a time on that because one never knows what he might need. (Lately he is spending all his time chewing at the cage - if it is closed- or the gates that keep him in the kitchen.)
Than I will allow myself one hour on the puter to look through for jobs, come here, check email etc. (Which will end at 10:45 this morning)
After that I am unsure....
I have things I like doing, or want to get done and haven't done any of it...so I think I will work on those. Cleaning out the 3rd bedroom somehow, getting my crocheting stuff in order, when it gets warmer work on refinishing some of the stuff I had been working on. Make sure to take care of the normal things too..like dishes and what not. Lina's bus comes at about 5pm.
So I want to have something started for dinner by the time she comes in...
Work on her homework with her for an hour unless it doesn't take that long. Have her eat, clean up, take a bath. Read 3 books (depending on length) before bed with her. She goes to bed at 8pm. During summer break that goes till 9pm.
Than allow myself maybe another hour at the puter for the same things.
Get myself ready for bed and if nothing else lay there until I fall asleep. I always have the TV on when I go to bed, so maybe watch TV for an hour and than close my eyes and try to get to sleep. I can't really take anything for it...my knees will start to ache in this really weird way that makes me feel like I have to keep moving them or they hurt too much when I take anything that has a sleep aide. Drives me crazy and keeps me from sleeping anyway.

So that is my plan...so form some sort of schedule that I get things done, take better care of my daughter and I hope within doing those small ordinary things I will start to feel better and it will become a snow ball effect.
Thought about trying to find a small bookstore or craft place that might hire me for a few hours a week. At least it would get me out of the house, bring in much needed money and in general be a good thing..a small start.
I can work for up to 8 months and keep my disability. The money they send makes a difference, but is not a enough to live on. It pays my rent..end of story.
I have shut off notices for my electric, internet, house phone and tv.
Don't know how I will pay my car insurance, school loan or cell bill this month.
A good chunk of that I think is how I am with money. My fault, but I am hoping to find a way out of the hole and stay out.
So if I do suddenly poof without a hello for awhile..the likely hood is that my net was turned off.

Thank you to those keeping me in thier thoughts...

I have to go now..I have only 20 minutes left and I want to look around CL about some jobs.

Take care everyone...see you later

 

[BlueGiants]

Will send positive vibes your way! You can do it! :hug:

 

[XxMontanaxX]

Goodluck on everything! :hug: Keep us updated on how your new schedule works out for you.

 

[Orchid]

Thanks Montana & BG



I got a lot done today. Tore apart the third room and cleaned it out. Simon now has half the room. Had to leave the desk and sofa chair in there..just no where else to place them. I was able to get the mattress in the attic, but not the box spring...so Simons cage is a little perched up. Sorta like a step. I covered the box spring with plastic bags and than the outside carpet I had bought. He has all his stuff. Yet he just keeps biting at the NIC cubes that seperate the room. Whenever I go near him he just wants to hump whatever part of me he can bite onto.
I really hope at some point we can make him a free roam bunny...but I think we have a ways to go before that can happen. Noticed my printer wire is all chewed up. I have no idea even when he could have done that..oh well.
My futon has been breaking and so today I took the frame from the other bed, places the flat peices of the futon on that and it holds! I don't have to sleep on the floor! WOOT
I have cleaned up a lot of the kitchen, moved the table, vacuumed, mopped, threw out the garbage and I think that is about it for now.
There is still quite a mess in the house because of all the crap from the third room...have to figure out what to do with it all.

Sitting down and relaxing some now. Lina is home, we ate and even had a desert. There is a cool little bakery by our house with yummy foods. Not like I need it but a treat is always nice and they have such good bread. So I spent 7 bucks.

I feel pretty wiped out. There were lots of times I wanted to just sit down and cry feeling like I would never get it done. Lots of times I wanted to just play games or come on here, but I refrained and I am glad I did.
I have a few scratches, a swollen lip..lol Dropped the bed frame on my face...silly me.
I think sleeping tonight won't be a hard task. I feel done...who has the fork?

Lina is still eating but when she is done it will be homework time. Than I will try to make a better dent in the mess of my house...give her a bath...take a shower and crawl into bed hoping it holds lol.

I started reading your posts Peg...I am sorry to hear the paxil had bad effects on you. Always seems likes a crap shoot finding which med works for who.
I have been on so many since I was 13 I don't even know all the names anymore.
Tegratol, valproic acid, klonopin, seroquel, topomax, neurontin, welbutrin, depakote, and many more.
I tried the St. Johns years ago and it had no effect on me. I wish it had worked.
The neurontin is the only thing that has ever made a change but I found it made me...dangerous. If something got me mad...I could see that line you shouldn't cross but would anyway. Made me afraid of it. Than I would only take it for a few days here and there when I would notice it was getting bad again...but the up and down didn't help much either. Strange wars we wage with ourselves...

Just popped on for a quick minute...going to run and try to get some stuff done, help Lina and than probably go to bed myself...I really am whooped...

Good night everyone..

 

[Hazel]

Em! My schedule has been crazy because I took off work for spring break, but we need to get together again and gvet a chance to hang out.

I understand where you're coming from. I actually just set up everything with a therapist and it took me forever to do it because I couldn't bring myself to call the insurance company because I didn't have the motivation. >.<

My trouble with meds is I have a weak stomach. I'm trying Zoloft right now but *shrug*

I'm the same as Peg, my depression comes and goes. My main problem is my anxiety. I have trouble sleeping because I sit up and think about every stupid thing in my life. And then I stress and things get worse. And then I'm anxious about things getting worse.

One thing I have not tried because of my stupid stomach, but I have mutliple friend who have and have said it made a HUGE difference, is fish oil. There have been some studies and it does seem to help a lot of people.

I've never been to a therapist before, but I think it will help. And one of the main reasons I think that is because talking to someone, just telling them everything and really "dumping" (or it's what you feel like you are doing, lol) on another person HELPS. It helps amazingly. So you have my number if you need to talk. We can swap stories,

Keep working on feeling better. And you're a great mom with a BEAUTIFUL little girl,

 

[Orchid]

Hi Hazel,

I would love to get together when we can. It would be a nice treat. Let me know when you have a free day and maybe you could come over. You could meet Simon, but I don't know if you will want to lol. He has become a terror. You can't reach to pet him a this point he just runs away, if he comes near he trys to bite and hump you.
Cleaning his pen this morning was an adventure in how not to get bit and humped.
He did manage to spray the front of my shirt with pee...so I would say make sure to NOT wear a good shirt..lol
The whole time I was in there I just kept thinking...snip snip little man, snip snip. lmao

--

Been a good morning so far. Went to sleep I think around 11pm. Fell alseep while watching "A walk in the clouds". I really like that movie.
Got up around 8am, took my shower, got Lina dressed. That kid does not like to eat anything in the morning and it drives me bonkers. I at least got some OJ in her.
Went to the post office and stopped at a few places. Bought Simon a new huge with a high back litter pan. I threw some paper, hay and toys in it. Hoping he will like it. Thought about going and buying play sand for it and than decided I didn't know if that was even ok and it would make too much mess in that room.
I really can not wait to take him on Saturday and see what the new vet says. He just keeps getting worse and worse. What I don't get in the least is why I seem to be the only one he keeps trying to hump and bite. He doesn't do that with Anthony or Lina. Though he will run in circles around them and not let them pet him much anymore either. I will take pics of his new digs and post them soon in his blog.

Had an IM from an x-friend today. Really brought me down we don't seem able to work things out. John. We were friends for a while and than started dating. Mistake.
He has a bit of a temper...well so do I and things got said and done wrong a few months ago. Back in January, right when I was moving. We haven't really talked since. I had been hoping that he would call or we could at least stay friends, but it looks like no. I don't get it and I guess that is what bothers me most..I really miss him, but I don't know what else to say. I felt like I opened the door, maybe I didn't, maybe he doesn't care about walking through it,...I just don't know. I can't see anything else to say now...I responded but I have a feeling I won't hear from him again. It REALLY sucks.
I have lost a lot of people over the last few years. Most of them to death and it has been some bitter pills to swallow.
My friend Eddie died in August of cancer. They had told him he was in the clear and than just within 2 months it destroyed him. I got that call the day of my daughters 6th birthday party. My best friends son, Kevin, had a muscle diesase. It took him about a month before Eddie. His heart gave out. Kevin was barely 2 years old.
Silky hung her self two years ago this x-mas, ryan is gone, John (a different one) moved to start a new life and than we all hear he died of a blood clot.
I found a few days ago my mom has cancer now. He had had a growth removed on her tongue awhile ago and now they found a cancerous tumor in her back. They removed it...and take things as they go. She is not the type that really tells you what is going in though. She could be in the hospital and torn up from some horrible cold and she would just say it was a little head cold, nothing to worry about.
My dad is gone, he died in 01. My sister and I have not spoke since than. She has a son I never hear about or see. She has never met or spoke to my daughter.
Seems like the older I get the more people die and to fight and lose a friendship seems like such a big waste.
Some days everything seems to weigh too much to carry.

Well I am 6 minutes past my self imposed time limit so I am headed off to go clean, hopefully plant and perhaps enjoy a fire later on this evening.

Spring is coming...the sun is shining and it is not so cold out now. I noticed the other day my neighbor has a baby weeping willow tree. They are my favorite of all the trees. I miss lilacs though. I always felt they were like a birthdy present in NY. They came out in force around my birthday and how I love that smell. I don't ever see them here in NC. I wonder if I could buy one and plant it...wonder if it would last or even grow here.

 

[trailsend]

I'm so sorry.I understand what you mean about distractions, the computer, video games, etc. I don't see why you should cut them out completely, just try to limit your time.... just don't let it stop you from taking care of things and dealing with things.

As for the depression, I am so sorry. That is very difficult. I didn't read Pegs post but will later. After my mom died when I was 16, they put me on paxil and it landed me in the hospital. It's awful stuff - and they hand it over to kids all too often. After reading your last post, I know it is hard isn't it? We loose all the people we care about, it's just a fact of life, they will loose us one day too. But it's hard, I know. My husbands best friend just died suddenly in his fourties leaving his three teenage kids, just starting high school, and that breaks my heart. We need to enjoy & appreciate them while we have them.

I hope things will improve for you - I don't know you well, but you seem so nice and I've enjoyed your posts and poetry. We are all pulling for you here (and there is A LOT of us

If you ever need anything I can help with, I am here. You have lots of support here, and great people that are very helpful as well.

And there is NOTHING wrong with dessert!

Hugs,

Donna & our herds

 

[seniorcats]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. A doc prescribed Neurontin to me for migraines. Even at a low dose it was horrible stuff. I couldn't drive and it made me feel as though I was doing everything underwater with weights on. It did nothing for the migraines.

Here is an article that may provide some help. Please be careful of your nutrition and try and eat right. My husband went on the Soutbeach Diet and lost 35 pounds in a vevery short itme. He also developed insomnia and bad anxiety. i think the diet simply did not have enough calories and carbs. Any way, may sound silly but your brain cannot function without calories. Calories=energy to the brain. Vitamins and supplements provide no energy.

http://www.minddisorders.com/Kau-Nu/Nutrition-and-mental-health.html

Hugs from me and bunnies

 

[Orchid]

The last few days have seemed harder some how. I am proud of how much I have done lately. How much I have left the puter, games and what not alone. I have been forcing myself everyday to get up, take a shower and function. Since Friday though I feel like I am dragging. Almost like I am lost without a purpose.
Things with my daughter and school work are a nightmare. She avoids doing them to the point of grounding. She is only 6 I know...but it is horrible how she delays, avoids doing any of it. Almost feels like she would rather be grounded. She knows what will happen and still will basically refuse doing the work.
Feel like I have a heavy weight pressing down. Don't know the cause or reason, just do. I actually woke up at 7:30 today. Didn't actually get up till about 9 and not out of bed till 10, shower at 10:30.
Did the never ending loads of laundry. Had my daughter do some school work, bakes a coffee ring, hung out with Anthnony till he had to catch the bus, checked some things online, hung out with Simon for a bit...and that has pretty much been my day.
It is cold and crappy outside so not much can be done out there. Wish it was nice enough to be outside though. Would be better than feeling stuck in the house.
The war with my neighbors seems to be getting worse and I very much feel stuck in the middle. The landlord defaults to my one neighbor for everything. Itis not a good situation. I wonder if I made a mistake moving here. I do not feel secure here even though I pay my rent on time and what not. Seems like everything is on my one neighbors whim and I am sick of it. I don't want to move again, don't even know if I could find something decent in this area for this kind of price.
Sick of all the worry all the time. Lina, Simon, living here, my failures, money...seems never ending...

I have no idea what to do with myself today. I have read every book I own a million times over..don't feel like crocheting, wood burning, playing games, can't bake at this time, sick of TV...just BAH!

---

Thank you trailsend....Yeah I don't think I coud walk away from all those things...I enjoy my computer time...just saw I was spending way too much time on this thing. I have friends asking me to come back to an online game...but just can't do it. I would end up spending money I don't have, be on it tooooo much and would probably fry what is left of my laptop...lol

Yes I know it is important about diet Seniorcats...It is one of the many issues that had come up through my shrink appointments. I don't always eat and when I do it is not well most of the time. There are reasons for it...you could say it is like an eating disorder but not like the ones commonly heard about I would suppose.
There are things in the past that led this way. I got accustomed to not eating and when something becomes a pattern it is hard to break. If I try to force myself to eat I will end up throwing up. My old shrink said to at least try to get something like slimfast or ensure down on those days and when I can afford to buy them I do. It boggles me how I weigh as much as I do when I eat so little..lol
That is agreat way to say how neurontin seems to affect a person. I used to rty to explain to people....My minds runs very fast all the time..and I could make sense of how I got from B to D to A to Z and over to G. When I am on that stuff I can't even make it from B to D and if I do I don't know how I got there. It is very much for me like a floating disconnected feeling. I would get to me after awhile, making me feel stupid.
I have heard a lot of complaints people just want to eat and eat on it. Which some people thought was a great affect on me. I disagreed though..lol
I found with topomax they seemed to level eachother out. The only combo of drugs that ever worked on me...frustrating that it is, at least I find it is...too dangerous for someone like me to take.



Thanks all for your support and understanding.