Slight rant...

[maherwoman]

Hey guys...

I wanted to ask you guys what you thought about something...

Is it a usual thing for a young mother to be bypassed by friends in respect to doing things with/for her child by people that don't have children of their own (or even some that do)?

Let me explain what's behind my question.

I was quite young when I had my daughter (not underage, just young), and even when I was pregnant with her, experienced quite the constant barage of advice from those around me, whether they had children or not. This continued after she was born, and even developed into people flat telling me that I was doing this or that thing wrong in raising her (by those that had children and those that didn't). That, in turn, somehow developed into people thinking they could bypass me completely in doing things with or for her. My daughter is now 6 yrs old.

A few years ago, I moved in with my now-husband, who was more than happy to be a father to this wonderful beauty of a girl (bless his heart). I thought people giving that constant amount of advice was due to my being a single mom, but as it has not ceased, I wonder if it's just something that the general public seems to feel is okay to do.

I wouldn't mind so much if it was just advice...but I encounter constantly people that don't have any qualms about stepping in and bypassing my motherly duties RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!

Now, I have always allowed my daughter a great deal of independence, and encouraged her to try things on her own, instead of constantly thinking she can only do things (that are well within her ability to do) with my or her father's help.

So, as an example, we got into my friend's car yesterday, and my daughter started to try to get me to put on her seatbelt for her (a bit of a game she plays). She started it because she knew this particular friend will stop the world to do things for her, and was using that as an excuse because she didn't want to do it herself. Granted, it sounds a bit harsh, but if you knew my daughter, and the fact that she's done her own seatbelts for about four years now, you would know that she's quite capable of a lot of things that most six-year-olds don't. Nothing unsafe, just things that parents don't think their kids can do. I hope that makes sense...

Anyway, my friend got out and put her belt on for her, completely bypassing my sitting there and telling my daughter to be a big girl and do it herself, and that it wasn't cool that she was trying to get me to do it for her. (I think my friend dubbed in that I was just being lazy and not wanting to help her.) Now, also keep in mind that this was the afternoon, and my daughter was not tired or hungry...just trying to get my friend to do it for her (which she knew she would). Like I said, it's a game.

We had a two hour drive to make, the three of us...to visit our husbands that were working that far away, since they couldn't make it home for the night. That was a rough drive (there and back)...let me tell ya. My friend just wouldn't stop bypassing me with my daughter...drove me NUTS!!

Now, mind you, every friendship I've had since having my daughter has had a phase where I just had to put my foot down and say, "HEY...I'm her mom...I can do this...please step back and let me do my job." So, thus, it makes me wonder a bit...does every young mother go through this frustration? Is it that common of a thought that young mothers need someone to take over for them? I mean, I don't mind if I can't reach my own daughter to help her, and my friend is right there, or something. But she'd heard me specifically state to my daughter that she could do her seatbelt herself, and to please just handle it so we could leave...thus, getting out and doing it for her directly bypassed my statement to my daughter.

So, I ask you guys...is this a common thing, or just something that I, myself, have encountered? Are there other young (or even not-so-young) mothers out there that encounter this difficulty, and the necessity of reminding their friends (whether they have kids or not) that they need to back off and let them do their motherly job?

I mean, advice is one thing...but stepping in and going directly against something I've told my girl is a whole other ball of wax, ya know? She did things like that repeatedly, and I know I'll have to put my foot down, like EVERY other friend I've had, and I'm honestly not that upset about it, because I knew it would happen eventually in our friendship (since it always does, for some reason). I just wonder if this is an accepted thing nowadays...

Any thoughts?

One thought I had, even while reading this before posting, is that maybe people see me giving my daughter the freedom to use her abilities in being quite the advanced kid (she's been able to read for four years now, she's been walking since 8 months old, she has half a math book to do to complete the second grade, she's just forged ahead and been quite advanced in everything she's done), and maybe people don't realize that I'm not asking my daughter to do things that she cannot do, or being lazy and not wanting to help her. It's possible that people think I'm being hard or expecting too much, when they don't know her well enough to know that it's actually not a whole heck of a lot, what I'm asking her to do. Like tying her shoes, which she's been able to do for years. Or reading something to me, and asking the definition of a word that I know for a fact she knows (with a smile on her face, like she's telling me a joke). I think it's funny, but there are times where I can see that she's using her numerical age as an excuse to not do things when she doesn't want to do them, and that the people around that haven't quite picked up on her abilities as quite an advanced child will step in and do it for her, thinking, "she's just six...why is her mother expecting her to do this?" Does that make sense?

I hope those reading this don't think I'm hard on my daughter. I don't push her to do the things she's able to do...she's asked me to teach her because she finds it frustrating when she cannot do something that the adults around her can. Like shuffling cards, which she figured out the other night, all by herself. She was frustrated because she'd seen me do it a number of times, and watched a friend of mine do it that night, so she sat down and taught herself. She can't stand that she's not old enough to use the stove herself, or clean dishes herself (not that I'm quite ready to show her either one...she's got to have about six more inches for that!!). But, you know what I mean? She's always been very ambitious and pushed ahead until she figured something out. She's reading Junie B. books, for cryin' out loud! So asking someone to do her seatbelt for her is a little under her ability level...lol!

Anyway, so there's my question, and my raving a bit about the whole thing...lol!!

So, I pose the question again: Is this a common thing, or just something that I, myself, have encountered? Are there other young (or even not-so-young) mothers out there that encounter this difficulty, and the necessity of reminding their friends (whether they have kids or not) that they need to back off and let them do their motherly job? Or even to put it a new way, their kids taking advantage of a new person not knowing their level of understanding and ability, and getting them to do things for them that they're completely able to do?

Insert your thoughts here:

 

[hummer]

I had my oldest daughter when I 20 (almost 20 years ago, YIKES!) and fortunatly, I do not remember encountering what you are going through. I think that people may assume that you were a young single mother that you had no clue as to what you were doing and they thought that they knew best. Do all of your friends do this, or just a select bunch of people? I have no clue as to why kidless people would give you advice though? Personally, that to me is like Oprah telling people how to raise their kids, I look at the source and make my own decision. When you talked about what happened with the seat belt, I am not sure if I would have even known what to say at the time? Was your daughter making a scene about it and delaying (more than 5 minutes) your trip? Was the person annoyed, maybe thinking that you were going to allow your daughter to ride with no seat belt? If at all possible, I would have a talk with that friend and ask her why she thinks it is her responsiblity to ignore your rules about how you raise your daughter? If she thinks that your daughter is not being raised well by you, well it is better to know that now so you can stop contact with her, if she thinks that maybe you just need some help, let her know that when and if you do, you will let her know, until then please stop.


If that were to happen to me now with my little ones (4,3 and 7 months), I would tell them that my daughter knows what to do and I would appreciate it if you would allow her to do it herself. If that does not work, then you could always try to talk to them in privete (without your daughter) and tell them by them doing what they are, that they are not respecting the fact that you are her mother and they just need to back off, period. If they can't do that, then limit your contact with that person.


I hope my post helps you out, like I said, I have not come across this so this is all from imagining what I would do in those situations.

Good Luck and let us know it goes for you!

 

[Bassetluv]

I don't have time to post a proper reply (am at work at the moment), but wanted to say for now...YES! It's an extremely common thing. I went through it the entire time my son was little, my sis goes through it with her children, and many others I know have complained about it. It's one of those annoying things that moms have to deal with...and I suspect it might be brought about by other moms' *mommy genes* kicking in, and them perhaps not even realizing they're crossing boundaries...

 

[maherwoman]

Hummer, it sounds like you understood completely. My friend didn't seem irritated at my daughter or the delay in the trip, as much as annoyed with me that I wasn't helping her.

I've actually planned on talking to her within the next couple of days to put my foot down and tell her to just let me do my job. Unfortunately, for some reason, I've had to do it with EVERY friend of mine that doesn't have kids (which is, unfortunatly, every one of them), so it's pretty much something I expect as a stage in a friendship, though I would like to be able to say otherwise.

Back when I was still single, I kind of understood it, but now that I'm married, and have had a man in the place of father for her for three years now, I don't understand why it continues, but whatever. Ultimately, I'm not terribly upset about it, except that it is irritating, and I wish I didn't have to take that step with EVERY friendship.

It's not like I sit there and ASK for anyone's advice for what to do with my daughter...not at all. Just, for some reason, they think it's okay to bypass me. I really don't understand it, but it stops when I put my foot down and tell them to knock it off.

Argh...people are nuts sometimes...

Oh, another thing I forgot to mention:

My husband told me that quite quickly after he hung up with me and I had ranted about her a little, she called his best friend (mine as well, and her husband) and ranted to him a little about me. I asked him what she could POSSIBLY be ranting about me for, and he said something about my lack of patience and not helping my daughter. Argh...BUT he also said that Ivan (her husband) basically told her to butt out, that she's NOT my daughter's mother, and that she had no business intervening to begin with, and should cease doing so. My husband told me he practically had to yell at her for her to listen to him. Lol...it was nice to know that Ivan understood. I had to have the same conversation with him at one point that I will have to have with her, so it's nice to know that he totally gets it.

Bottom line, my friends are very sweet, but I really detest people thinking they have to look out for my daughter when I'm RIGHT THERE...like I won't, or some such. Argh...

 

[maherwoman]

Wow...nice to know I'm not the only one that's experienced this!! Though, I have to say, I'm not happy to hear that it's so prevelant and that other people have to handle this kind of thing, too. I think the majority of my sensitivity to it has to do with my own mother constantly (and very harshly and hatefully) invalidating my motherhood (for instance, laughing and saying "you're no mother"). I think I have a lot more irritation about it than most, and a LOT less tolerance with it, but ultimately it winds up being a good thing.

I find myself in the recent few years a LOT less tolerant to anything that adds stress to my life, and nip anything like that in the bud before it bothers me too much. I like that my life has so much less stress than it used to. When I lived with my mother, there was so much stress, I couldn't think straight...literally! When I moved in with my husband, all that melted away, and left a very happy, healthy, wonderful, beautiful life that I now enjoy...so things are great overall.

I would like to encounter a friend eventually that has kids and understands those bounderies, though. Would be nice to NOT have to have that conversation for once! Lol!! Being 26 (and 19 when I had her), I find that there just aren't many people in my shoes around here, for some reason! Most people my age seem to have kids around the age of three, not six, and I never even encounter THOSE people! LOL!! Where are all those moms out there?? Hehe...

Bassetluv wrote:

I don't have time to post a proper reply (am at work at the moment), but wanted to say for now...YES! It's an extremely common thing. I went through it the entire time my son was little, my sis goes through it with her children, and many others I know have complained about it. It's one of those annoying things that moms have to deal with...and I suspect it might be brought about by other moms' *mommy genes* kicking in, and them perhaps not even realizing they're crossing boundaries...

 

[heavenlyshelties]

I know how you feel. I have a daughter the same age as yours. She is very bright and independent to. I make rules that I want enforeced where ever she is because when she leaves to stay or go with someone else and comes home she is very disobidient and we have to start the process of getting her back to a routine and being good and obeying the rules again. I have talked to my parents about this numerous times and they constantly ignore my requests to where it go to the point where I wouldn't let her stay with them for nearly a year. Putting my foot down and making my point was the only way it started to get in to their heads that she is my daughter and I make the rules not them.

Hang in there, things will get better but only if you put your foot down. If it were me with the seat belt situation. When your friend started getting out of the car to help her I would have put my hand on her shoulder to stop her and said "NO", she is a big girl and can do it herself, DO NOT help her. Make it a point! Don't let people bully you.

((HUGS))

Sara

 

[KatyG]

Hi I am 21 and I don't have any kids yet so I can't tell you for sure but I'm pretty sure that what you are experiencing is normal and not a reflection on you or your parenting skills. In my experience people just LOVE to butt in, in all kinds of situations. I think it makes them feel good about themselves that they are more capable or something. And interfering with how someone else brings up their kids is a mine field because there are so many different ideas. You are her mum and you know what is best so just tell your friend politely next time that your little girl can do it for herself. She sounds really smart. Don't worry xx

 

[maherwoman]

Thanks so much for the encouragement, guys! I'm going to talk to her tonight, and put my foot quite firmly down to let her know that she needs to back off, and let me do my job. It's quite seriously a thing of...if you cannot back off, I cannot afford to be around you. All it does is then make my daughter think she can come home and ask me to do EVERYTHING for her, when she's so independent, it's just her using the fact that one person was willing to. It's very frustrating.

So, I'll let my friend know tonight to either get a handle on it, or we'll have to curb time together until she can. It causes just WAY too many problems that I'm not willing to have going on.

Here's hoping things go well in our talk!!

 

[hummer]

Let us know how it goes for you...

 

[maherwoman]

We're having the conversation tonight. Boy, did it take some stern talking to her husband to get her to actually agree to come over, too!! He usually plans things like this because the two of us have had probs in the past, and he's much closer of a friend...in fact, I'm in contact with her because I'm such close friends with her husband, and he's a partner in mine and my husband's business...hehe.

They were supposed to come over Saturday, but got out of it at the last minute. They were then supposed to come over last night, but she got stung by a wasp in the morning, and it was evidentally so painful by 10pm, she collapsed when she tried to stand up when they were scheduled to come over. (Now, I've never been stung by one, but I have been stung by a bee, and if it's even a little bit comparable, I don't see how it would have been that bad over twelve hours later, unless she had an allergy, in which case she would have been in the hospital, which she definitely wasn't. In fact, she's at work today.)

So far, the plan is that they will get here about 5pm. I'm not holding my breath...but I did tell him last night, rather sternly, that we could either have this conversation in a nice, personal, private setting and have things worked out nicely before we have another gathering at our place (which we do at least once a week of seven people for a game of Dungeons and Dragons...yes, I'm quite the geek...and married one!! hehe), or I would have to put my foot down rather sternly in front of everyone, thereby making everyone uncomfortable and probably embarassing her.

You see, she has a long history of avoiding uncomfortable conversations, so I knew I would have to pose it in that fashion for her to actually respond and come over to handle things. I've tried to set up a conversation other times for other things that I just wanted to talk to her about, and she's avoided it every time. She's also quite the social person, so I knew if I mentioned that I would have to say something in front of everyone, she would jump at the chance of having this talk just between us.

So, tonight I will be talking to her about it (hopefully), and we'll work something out. She's honestly the ONLY person I've ever encountered that I couldn't get along with, and I'm 26!! I've never before encountered someone I just couldn't work things out with, but somehow no matter how much I try to bend on my own natural bounderies and limits, and keep things nice, she always pulls out something that just makes me grate my teeth! I don't get it...

I've experienced many instances with her in the past couple years of her being just plain blatently rude with me (to the point where I didn't want to be around her, mind you, and I'm just not that sort of person). And, like I said, I've tried talking to her about it, but she avoids the conversation every time. So, I'm going to combine the conversations tonight, and hopefully we can come to some kind of understanding where she can remain civil with me and respect me like I do her.

If she were anyone else, I would just assume not be in contact with her because I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't have people like her in my life, but we have to be in some sort of contact, as our husbands are quite close friends, and I'm a very close friend of her husband's as well. It's just not feasable to avoid her or not be around her. It would be rude and I know it doesn't feel nice (she's tried to do so with me, not inviting me, when she invited my husband), so I don't do it.

I really hope this works, guys...crossing my fingers...and toes!

 

[Eve]

Good luck! I hope it all goes well for you :hug2

 

[maherwoman]

OH!! Hehe...totally forgot to post an update!

It went quite well. I typed up everything I wanted to say beforehand so I wouldn't forget anything. I didn't have to refer to it much, except when the conversation was winding down, to be sure I hadn't forgotten anything.

She understood much of where I was coming from, apologized, and asked me about a few situations so she could get a better understanding of what I considered bypassing, vs things that were totally okay. She's been MUCH better about it since.

The conversation ended in a hug, so that was good...

I think it went rather well! Could have been much worse. I learned afterward from my husband that her husband talked to her about it beforehand so she would keep her cool and be understanding, and it seemed to help quite a bit...so GOOD!