Same Sex couples

[Mrs. PBJ]

Ok so my 17 year old niece just announced to the family that she thinks she may be gay.

My mother passed out had raised her from a baby.

Me and my youngest sister are bye sexual so we where like ok no big deal. My older two sisters where horrified along with my mom.

Now my niece wants to come stay with me cause mom wont even look at her. I am moving to a two bedroom anyway but it was not for her. She will graduate in a few weeks. My mom is like I want her out of my house we never tol my mom my sister and I. Never came up where both married both of our husbands know not a big huge deal. My niece know from a young age abut same sex couples. In the sense me and my sister dated girls we where younger. So here is my question

1 Should I let her stay with me. She is not going to college just yet. But if she stays here she will go to the community college

2 what would you do if your child told youtheywhere gay?

3. Is there anything that I could say to my mom to help her out?

My mom was raised in Chigago. she is her late 60's so she is very old timey of course.

I dont feel like this should not be on the main forum for many reasons. I feel it is very touchy at all. But I need help from parents cause I need to understand what my mom is gong through right now. Cause it does not bother me in the least.

 

[Luvmyzoocrew]

1 Should I let her stay with me. She is not going to college just yet. But if she stays here she will go to the community college

I would say that if you want her to stay with you t hen i dont see why not, i would make a stipulation that she has to be going to college and/or working to help towards bills


2 what would you do if your child told youtheywhere gay?
I have gay people in my family and people that i know that are gay and to me it is no big deal. I cant say what i would do , as my kids are still very young, but i want to believe that i would be happy for them whatever they choose.

3. Is there anything that I could say to my mom to help her out?
I have no idea where to even start here, some people are just set in thier ways that it is wrong, and the fires of hell, and blah, blah, blah, and people like that you just cant change thier mind, maybe she will come around.

I feel bad for your niece that when coming out with something as major as this can be , that her mom, aunt, and her grandmother have abandoned her. Hopefully she will have you their to lean on, i dont know if i would confide in her that you , yourself, are Bisexual if you dont want your family to know as it might come out by accident on her part.

 

[Mrs. PBJ]

She already knows about me and my sister. Thats not a problem.

 

[Flashy]

I'm not a parent, so my point may be moot.I think in terms of your questions

1, that is completely up to you. I would have a discussion with her about boundaries for your home (not like based on sexuality, but just relationships in generaly, i.e. what will and won't be ok, if that's an issue for you-like partners in rooms overnight, etc). I think that should be done with any young adult moving into another person's house. I think if she came to you she would probably get some understanding and acceptance, but equally, you can give her that without her living with you. Where would she go if she didn't live with you? If you are not sure about letting her move in then maybe set a trial period, and if it doesn't work, maybe try and help her find a safe place to live?

2, My brother is considerably younger than me, so even though I'm not a parent, I don't have a typical subling relationship because he is much younger. I told him many years ago, when it came up randomly in conversation, that I didn't care if he was gay, straight, bi, pansexual, asexual, or anything at all, as long as he was happy. I would stand by that. If my parents rejected him because he was a sexuality tey disagreed with (which I don't ever think they would, just if they did) then I would stand by him and do whatever was necessary. If I had a house he would be more than welcome to move in if that was feasible.

If I had a child, or children, and they told me anything like this, it would also apply. I would just want them to be happy. I have spent too much of my time unhappy and hiding who I am (in a different way) to ever want anyone else I know to hide who they are and so I would be proud of anyone who confided anything like that to me.

3, Firstly, remember it's a shock. A parent has to 'get over' the shock of what has been said and then also deal with further emotions. One thing that parents often find hard is that they have to grieve for the future, for things such as grandchildren (which I know is not impossible), for the 'ideal' family. If you think about what a parent dreams for their child as they grow up it's often a very stereotypical family, and that can be a factor.

I think that the mum will need some time to digest the information. Yes, there is absolutely no guarantee that that will change anything and she may still be rejecting your neice, but after some time it might be worth getting information on being a lesbian and trying to educate her. I don't know if the right organisations do leaflets or things like that? It might be worth finding out.

Esentially, I think your niece is lucky she has someone right now that she can turn to and who can help her, so kudos to you for being there for her.

 

[naturestee]

I think she needs your support. I know it took a long time for my sister to work up the guts to come out to our parents. She did a "test run" on me first, probably because she knew I wouldn't be very surprised and I would be understanding.

It took my parents a few years to get used to it. They weren't bad, but they would avoid any mention of it in conversation, pretend that my sister's girlfriend was just a friend, etc. Your family might be the same. If they are uncomfortable for religious reasons, see if you can get them to talk to people from gay-friendly churches. Unitarians and UCC are often open-minded about sexuality and might be a good choice.

I know this is a very touchy subject for some people, but I think it's very important to be accepting of gays, especially when they are first starting to come out to people. The stress and fear they feel at this time is enormous and the threat of clinical depression and related issues are very real. Do please recommend to her that she go to a support group. You don't have to go with her, although showing up once or twice especially in the beginning might make her feel more comfortable. My sister still goes to one regularly, more to support newer members now than to get support for herself.

In my opinion, homosexuality (and bisexuality) is normal and natural in a relatively small percentage of the population. Despite the what the hatemongers say, same-sex couples can still have long, healthy relationships including marriage (even in states where it's not legally recognized, the ceremony can still be done for personal reasons). My sister is married (to a female-to-male transgender actually), and many of her lesbian friends are now married too. Some have children through insemination or adoption, and my sister plans to start having children in the next few years.

 

[pamnock]

Mrs. PBJ wrote:

1 Should I let her stay with me. She is not going to college just yet. But if she stays here she will go to the community college

Raising a teen under ideal circumstances can be challenging. I've been faced with the dilemma a couple of times ofwhether or not to let ateen/young adult move in, and I am glad that I made the decision that I have enough kids of my own to be responsible for and simply don't need the additional stress in my life and another person to take care of.

What if college isn't working out? Who will be paying all her expenses? Is she expected to follow house rules?

Pam

 

[Mrs. PBJ]

pamnock wrote:

Mrs. PBJ wrote:

1 Should I let her stay with me. She is not going to college just yet. But if she stays here she will go to the community college

Raising a teen under ideal circumstances can be challenging. I've been faced with the dilemma a couple of times ofwhether or not to let ateen/young adult move in, and I am glad that I made the decision that I have enough kids of my own to be responsible for and simply don't need the additional stress in my life and another person to take care of.

What if college isn't working out? Who will be paying all her expenses? Is she expected to follow house rules?

Pam

Well it is college or 40 hours week work to help with bills. I have already let her know that.My other sister that is by is 8 years older then me and has 2 kids and twin girls on the way so I am the only option. Being 17 I dont know thw aternative it has not got that far. She has to stays at moms tell she graduates in may.

She has money saved up but only being 17 she cant live on her own. The main thing I am worried about is I am only 20 can I raise her for the next couple of years. at least tell she goes away to college in a year and a half.

She is very self motavated and has her own car and such already she works on top of going to school already. She is a great kid. I dont think I would have problems out of her. For 17 she is very smart about life. Mabye because she has seen what we as in me and me sister go through she is very close to us. We both have had it hard for a while now.

I have her most wekend alreadys so the transistion would not be so hard.

She knows ground rules. No other would be aloud in the house tell she is paying at least one bill. Which would be the cable billl my cheapest bill right now.

I am working this out hopefully something works out

 

[undergunfire]

I don't have children, so I can't answer you're questions.

I do have to say, though, that you're niece is VERY lucky to have you. You are someone who she can talk with about her gender preferences. I think if you lay down ground rules and be a friend to her but still be an adult with her...then it would work out for her to live with you and you're husband.

I think it is terrible that people can't be accepting of gays now a days, even if it is their own family member. They are still a living human being who has feelings. In my opinion and many other people's opinions...gay people are BORN that way. I have plenty of gay friends and every single one of them has said they never thought about being gay...that they always knew it, even as young kids. So many people are in denial that gays chose that way of life....well sorry for those people, but...they do not.

Hopefully one day more and more people can be accepting of gays. You may hate their way of life, but there is no reason to hate/dislike gays. I have met far too many people (especially since moving to AZ) who hate gays and will talk so much trash...but let me tell you...I have met more friendly, open minded, successful, and well manored gay people then I have met straight.

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

I think the best thing you can do is support them. Give them love and let them know they are still loved!Like Naturestee said, still be happy!

I just want to give you kudos for even asking out, how hard that might be. I totally support you guys and I hope the nation lets up on this. More and more states are legalizing gay marriage, yay!

 

[TinysMom]

I'm probably one of the most "conservative" people on the forum...and I'm definitely not pro-gay. With that said - I have known gay people and liked them and would never hate them or condone acts of hate done against them. I find I can not agree with what someone does - and yet still care for them and like them.

I say that because I want you to understand that I'm not a "gay-hater" - but I can also understand (even though I'm only 48) where your mom might be coming from.

I think at a time like this - your niece needs a "safe place" to live if your mom and she can't work things out for her to stay there. Truth be told - I think the best place is there and give your mom some time to adjust...but as Angela has said - this can be a dangerous time for people who are "coming out" and how they may need more support.

The only thing I can say is that I would tell your mom that you love her - but that your niece wants to leave home (assuming she does) - and that you'd rather have her stay at your place - which is "safe" - and that way possibly have her more likely to stay in contact with the family - then to go out on her own and not be with people who love her.

The thing is - I think you can respect and love your mom - while disagreeing with her views - without judging her or saying outright 'You're wrong'. If you tell her that - then you're going to put barriers between you & your mom.

That's why I say approach it from the idea of "She wants to leave...let me help out by giving her a safe place to be..".

You're in a tough spot - I wish you well with whatever happens. Definitely make sure you lay down the rules ahead of time - as far as work or college or whatever.

Now this next part is going to show my...lack of knowledge about today's society and stuff...ok?

I would make sure that your niece gets a checkup and learns how to take any precautions against STDs. I know in a gay relationship it probably wouldn't mean condoms or anything...and I'm at a loss for what I'm trying to say.

But she needs to be careful - and know what to look for as far as signs of an STD. Does that make sense?

I'd say that to anyone who was becoming sexually active - no matter what their preference...

 

[Maureen Las]

undergunfire wrote:

I don't have children, so I can't answer you're questions.

I do have to say, though, that you're niece is VERY lucky to have you. You are someone who she can talk with about her gender preferences. I think if you lay down ground rules and be a friend to her but still be an adult with her...then it would work out for her to live with you and you're husband.

I think it is terrible that people can't be accepting of gays now a days, even if it is their own family member. They are still a living human being who has feelings. In my opinion and many other people's opinions...gay people are BORN that way. I have plenty of gay friends and every single one of them has said they never thought about being gay...that they always knew it, even as young kids. So many people are in denial that gays chose that way of life....well sorry for those people, but...they do not.

Hopefully one day more and more people can be accepting of gays. You may hate their way of life, but there is no reason to hate/dislike gays. I have met far too many people (especially since moving to AZ) who hate gays and will talk so much trash...but let me tell you...I have met more friendly, open minded, successful, and well manored gay people then I have met straight.

When I lived in Chicago, before I met Jim I lived in a very liberal trendy downwtown area of the city. A lot of gay people lived in that area; I worked side by side with gay RNS when I was working in Nursing; I also had a lot of gay acquaintances from the hospital.

I have had long conversations with gay friends who talked about the difficiulty of growing up and living with themselves. Many stories of sadness and pain

I , like,undergunfire believe the research indicating that there are measurable differences in the brain of a gay person vs straight. i believe that (not in all) but inmany casesa person is born gay and that it is not a choice.

Many gay people commit suicide, hide it from every one, live double lives and suffer terribly.
A gay life style couldn't really be a choice unless a person decided to isolatehimself/herself from the world or live a solitary existence.

I do believe , that a gay person still must abide by rules of society
People quote the bible as a reason that "gayness' should not be tolerated. but if there is a Jesus I , for one, cannot believe that He could ever judge someone who He created a certain way and is not the mainstream

There are irresponsible gay and straight people and I don't believe goodness or evil hasanything to do with one's sexuality
I would let your niece live with you in a responsible way and attempt to help her accept herself now that her mother has been rejecting .
maybe she could go to counseling but maybe living with you will be a better way for her to deal with her feelings than even that...

I feel sad for her

 

[maherwoman]

Your poor niece! And, at the same time, your family has a lot to work through, too. It's hard for people to learn such a thing...not just because of their own thoughts on the subject, necessarily, but also because of the adjustment to the changes they'll see in your niece's life, and seeing their true self after learning this about her. It sounds like either your niece just recently discovered this about herself, or she's been kinda living a double life with it...so it's a bit of a discovery of her true self for the family (if that makes sense), and possibly even about herself.

Me...I have no problem whatsoever with the gay community. I've had gay and lesbian friends, my aunt is gay, my sister was a lesbian when I was younger (but ultimately wound up being "straight", and is now married with kids). In fact, I was very upset that I couldn't vote no on Prop 8 here in CA, due to address issues. I was crying about it, because I really had a problem with the whole issue...and really wanted everyone to continue to have the rights they deserve to have and practice.

I've been an advocate for gay and lesbian rights for some time, and have really strong opinions on the subject (which is why I don't mention how I feel about it very often, as I worry about my reaction to people's replies to my opinions). If we had a second car, and I had a more open schedule, I would have been right there with protesters about Prop 8.

Ultimately, my lifestyle is up to me...as each person's is up to themselves. My beliefs are very liberal in most ways. Everyone's life and how they live it is strictly up to them.


Now, to answer your questions:

1. Should I let her stay with me? I think offering your place is a good idea. And like Peg said, in keeping the communication line open with your mom at the same time. I think your niece would really do well with you, seeing that it's okay to be a lesbian (in your case bi-sexual, but you know what I mean), and adjusting to her own lifestyle now. I don't know where she's at with things...if she's been dating girls in secret and living as a lesbian for a time, or if she's recently discovered this about herself, is new to the whole idea, and isn't sure what to do now. But, either way, I'm sure you have a lot of wisdom you can impart, and would be able to really help her through this transition.


2. What would you do if your child told youtheywhere gay? In all honesty, if my daughter (who is currently 9yo) came to me and let me know she was a lesbian, I would be a bit surprised at first, but would very quickly not have any problem at all with the information (as in, "Wow, Hun...well, that was surprising...but ok. So, tell me what's going on. Do you have a girlfriend? Tell us about her. When can we meet her?" etc). It would be a surprise, but not a problem in the least. I've told my daughter countless times, and will continue to remind her, I love her no matter what. I find nothing wrong with someone being gay, or straight, or bi-sexual. Love is love, and in our family, love is unconditional. Whoever she will be in love with in the future, as long as they aren't damaging to her (as in, a bad person, abusive, on drugs, etc.), they'll be part of the family and welcome to holidays, etc. They'll be accepted with open arms.


3. Is there anything that I could say to my mom to help her out? In my honest opinion, like I said before, do what you can to keep the communication line open. I agree with what Peg said, to let her know that your niece is desiring to move out, and that you have the space available, and the willingness to have her move in with you. Maybe let her know that maybe her and your mom just need some time apart to work on their own emotions/thoughts on the news, and that you'd be more than happy to let them have that space. That's what I would do if I had a niece or nephew come out to their parents (since their parents are very religious, and would probably react the way your mom did).

Also, let your mom know that you're available for her to talk to if she wants to talk about this. Maybe find some sort of information for her about things, maybe a support group for families that have gone through or are going through the same thing. It doesn't have to be a religious type of group. I'm sure there are lots of such support groups out there that are available. Once she's past the initial shock of the news, which seems to be quite large in her case, she might be open to such a thing (and it sounds like it'd be good for her, too).

In any case, I want to send a quick little congratulations to your niece on coming out, and having the confidence to do so with her family. I can only imagine how difficult and scary it must have been. Send her lots of encouragement, remind her that she's a beautiful person no matter how other people might make her feel. I know what it's like to live in a household where you're ridiculed and made to feel less than you are because of a lifestyle choice. I'm not a lesbian or bi-sexual, but I come from a very religious family, and left the church my family attended, and was basically shunned by my mother and one of my sisters, and all of my then-friends. So, I know at least a little of how your niece must feel. Give her a big ol' hug from me, please.

At the end of the day, follow your heart. You know what's best for your niece, for you and your family, and for your mother as well. I hope and pray that things work out wonderfully. Keep us updated, ok?

:hug:

 

[Mrs. PBJ]

Me and my sister aare going to meet up woth her afte school tomorrow to talk.

To see how she is my sister has been having her everyday sense but she lives fie minute from my mom where I live a hour. She calls me everyday crying.

The funny thing is I new from the time she was like 13 I caught her many times checking out girls well we where checking out the same girls. Anyway She asked us to meet her no husbands no kids just us three i was strickly female befor I met my husband. I fell in love with his personalty not gender.

She seem to be going through it ok I am not sure she understood back then what she was doing. She went to a private school tell jr year so she lived a very sheltered life. My sister who is her mother is a drug adick so my mom tried to make sure she had a good head.

My mom called me and asked me where she went wrong I told her no where. They say it runs in giens. Well my sister is and so am I I am not biological.But I am going to be there for her she is coming out this weekend she is off work. My mom had been really hard on her. I hate to see her go thru this I never told mom because I knew what it would do to us. Now that i am married its not even a issue.

Thanks for the advice. I will keep yall updated

 

[Mrs. PBJ]

So i needed to update.

She is staying with my mom I am not moving into a two bedroom and franckly she cant crash on my couch because 3 people in a one bedroom wont work.

But she does come over on the weekend and she can come stay with me for a week at a time. Through the summer but not perminantly.

Her and my mom are talking it being mothers day yesterday they got on great. We went to see her this morning and she seems more happy. But things are slow going.