seniorcats
Well-Known Member
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there
was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy
God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!," and someone did.
Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented
yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so
they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in,
though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as
long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except
for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good
guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they
would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more
famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. ; ;
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent 10 plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then
he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: Don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet
your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy
father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol, and the fence
fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives
and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up
on the shore.
There were also some minor-league prophets, but I guess
we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is
the star of the New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is
always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would
be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had 12 opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed
his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life
again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there
was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy
God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!," and someone did.
Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented
yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so
they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in,
though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as
long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except
for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good
guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they
would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more
famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. ; ;
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent 10 plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then
he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: Don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet
your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy
father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol, and the fence
fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives
and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up
on the shore.
There were also some minor-league prophets, but I guess
we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is
the star of the New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is
always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would
be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.")
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had 12 opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed
his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life
again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
