Really struggling with my mom/Alzheimer's - just need a place to vent...

[TinysMom]

I need a safe place to vent - plus I need to ask some questions.

My mom is getting worse with her Alzheimer's and it is not only driving me up the wall - but it is affecting others also.

I called mom on Saturday and we talked for a bit - we even talked about the fact that her Schwan's gift certificates would be arriving sometime THIS week. She called me that afternoon (and missed me) saying she'd been searching the house all over and couldn't find the gift certificates....when I called her back - I reminded her that they were coming THIS week and then we talked for about 10 minutes and I said I had to go and she said, "Before I forget...I was looking all over for those gift certificates and I'm afraid I lost them or they haven't come yet...". Mind you - we had discussed this less than 10 minutes earlier.

Mom lives in low-income housing for the elderly/disabled and her neighbor has a teenage boy who is "over-sized" (like my Eric - probably 250 pounds or so) and is autistic. Mom is afraid of this boy - and swears he breaks into her house to steal her bread and move things around on her. (He is like an "idiot savant" or something like that as far as autism goes and he goes to school).

So this is the email I get from my aunt today:

Hi Peggy, I thought I should fill you in on what has been going on today. Your mom called around 11 saying the police had been there all morning. The guy next door had been going into apartments answering the phone. She said he had been into hers and Joannes. I asked her if he had taken anything and she said no. She told the police I had called her yesterdayand told her .a guy had answered the phone which she assumed was this guy. I told her I hadn't talked with her since sat around 4 she was at Ruths and had taken her phone down with her when I called. She said she would call me back but never returned my call. The police called me this afternoon trying to find out what time I had called. I told him I had never talked with anyone other than your mom. They seemed to be trying to get the facts and said they had dealings with your mom before about a strange car that was in the parking lot that she had seen there alot. The cop had her point it out to him and it was his car. They come there in regular cars alot. I told him she gets confused and he was wondering who was looking out for her. I told him her daughter and that you lived in Texas also that Diane and us check on her. He said for me to tell you her confusion is getting worse. I don'tknow who called the police she said she didn't when I asked her who had called them. I feel bad because I know there isn't much you can do that far away,but am wondering what will happen if she continues to do these type of things. I'm wondering if this person on the phone that shes talking about is the answering machine. I'm pretty sure it was a man thatansweredon the machine when I tried to get her the other day. I didn't feel I should call Joanne or Ruth to find out what was going on. If I can do anything let me know. Uncle Harley isn't up to dealing with this. Hope you had anice mothers day we got invited out so that was nice didn't have to cook.

​

Needless to say - I'm pretty upset. I emailed my aunt back and asked her to give the police my phone number and asked if it would help if I were to call and talk to them (and who to talk to).

I'm emotionally overwrought right now. In order to use my power of attorney - a doctor has to declare mom incompetent. I don't want to do that....

For those who might know - is it possible for the police to force her to have an assessment done to see if she needs additional care? Can a social worker be called in?

I would rather someone else force her to get help than to do it myself. I'm her only child and my folks are divorced - so pretty much - I'm it. I really don't want to be the "bad guy" - I'm the type of person who HATES confrontation and runs from it.

Thanks for reading this - and for any input you might have...

 

[DeniseJP]

I do not have experience with this type of situation but a social worker might be a good option for you to discuss all the options open to you - I used that option when I was in a situation where I was questioning my own life path.

Hugs to you...:hug:

Denise

 

[SunnyCait]

Hun that is really, really tough. My grandma has Alzheimer's and I've worked in a retirement community where most people are in the early stages of the disease. It's heartbreaking and I'm sorry you have to go through it.

I do not believe that a socialworker could help you, but I believe that the police can do something, but it would be if something major happens, like if they believe she is a harm to herself or others. As she is an adult and HASN'T been declared incompetent, she can't really be "forced".

What I would do is accompany your mom to a doctor's appt. or have someone you know go with her and talk to her doctor. Talk to them about what is going on. There is a state board for elderly care, and they will likely contact them.

For a power of attorney, she doesn't need to be declared incompetent, she meerly has to agree and sign some paperwork. It's actually easier to get the power of attorney that way, BEFORE she is declared incompetent.

 

[SOOOSKA]

Boy Peg, I can relate to you. My Mom had Alzheimer's, terrible terrible disease.

My Mom probably had it for a few years before she was put into Home for the Aged. She and my Dad who was physically unwell but had all his mental state lived together for about 3 years.She coped doing the physical things in the home and he was the one who did the mental things.

I realize now how bad she was but i think my sisters and brother just didn't want to accept what her disease was. Gosh she didn't remember birthdays, phone numbers, etc. She wandered from the house in the middle of the night, she took rides from strangers, luckily they lived in a smallcity that didn't have a lot of violence.

Unfortunately my Dad did not tell us that she was beating him up with his cane. He had bruises but told us he had fallen. None of us lived in the same house so we had no clue what the poor man was going through until she beat him up so bad he ended up in the hospital. He died about 3 months later (not from the beating) because he also should have been in a Home for the Aged but he absolutely refused and just gave up.

I will say a prayer for you so that the decision you make will come easy.

Susan
ray:

 

[naturestee]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Peg.

I'd recommend contacting Social Services and find out if they're able to do anything. There also may be a program for the elderly and their caretakers in your area that could answer questions and help with this. I'm sure this isn't that unusual for them- there have to be others dealing with similar problems. It pretty much goes with the territory.

If your mom is getting that confused, she may no longer be safe living alone.

:hug:

 

[Flashy]

Aw Peg, I'm so sorry. My grandad is deteriorating in a similar way. Last week I had the exact same conversation with him, one after another, about him jumping into a ditch when he was young when they heard their first German Bombers.

Sometimes what we have to do for someones best well being is not necessarily what they would perceive to be best at the time.

I don't know how it works over there but here an approved social worker and also a police officer, as well as two doctors and a regular social worker (all three have to be there), can involuntarily admit someone to hospital/a safe place, and that includes people with problems that affect their brain, such as Alzheimers, normally that's only short term though until something more permanent is got into place. That would generally only happen if she was a severe risk ot herself or others. They would assess her and work out what her needs would be.

That can happen if someone has such bad memory loss and confusion because it did happen with a lady who was in the hospital bed opposite me one time- she had no memory, was really confused and scared and they admitted her temporarily until they could get her to a more stable place and discharge her into a safe environment.

The other way to look at it is that her short term memory is shot, so it may be that she won't remember what happened or who was involved, and it will be harder for you, than it would be for her. It might be that if someone else does it then she might still take her anger/frustration/fear, etc out on you, depending on the kind of person she is. It really is an unknown.

Ideally she needs to be in a place where she is safe and can be looked after. That might be sheltered accommodation (I'm not sure if you have them over there, it's basiclaly like supported living, not sure how else to explain it), or it might be some sort of care home.

I don't know what to suggest because I know how far away from you she lives, but try to think what is in her best interests. It's almost like having another child or pet, where you have to make the decisions for them because they can't make them for themselves. It's one hell of a responsibility but go with your gut instinct and trust yourself in your decisions. If you always ask yourself what is best for her, then you'll not go wrong.

My PM box is open Peg.

x

 

[irishlops]

my granda is starting to.
i find it really sad.
im sorry. *hugs*

 

[pumpkinandwhiskersmom]

Hi Peg,
I was in a similar situation with my mom and dad. You definitely should talk to the police, and let them know that you are working on the situation. The power of attorney can definitely be used without having her declared incompetent. You said that she lives in low income/disability housing. Are there any services connected with that that could help here? Also, if there is an agency on aging in the county in which your mom lives, there may be a social worker associated with that. They can come in at your request and evaluate your mom. I honestly know how terribly hard this can be. I had to do that for my mom when my dad was in the hospital. She was moved to another part of the retirement community, which had more experienced care. You could also talk to the lawyer that drew up the POA and ask what his advice would be. If there's anything I can do, my PM box is always open. I'll keep you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers.:hug1ray:

 

[EileenH]

Peg, it's so hard what you are going through.

My grandmother had Alzheimer's. She lived with us all our lives, and throughout the whole disease my mom would not consider a home, so she went through it all & passed away in our house.

I don't know that a social worker would be of help. Police might, but I think how that goes is that the person is hospitalized & evaluated, and then it is decided if the person is fit to care for themself or able to be on their own. I don't know if the decision would be out of your hands at that point, so if you take that route be sure you'll be OK with what the decision is.

I can tell you that the stealing thing is a common thing with Alzheimer's. My grandmother accused us of stealing from her. My mother refused any support; no support groups, don't talk to anyone (ie: airing your dirty laundry) so basically it ripped through the family.
I ended up finding a wonderful book that I bought for my mom, and she said it helped her get through a lot, even if it was just to see that a lot of the behaviors and accusations are part of the disease. The book is The 36 Hour Day:
http://www.amazon.com/36-Hour-Day-Alzheimer-Disease-Dementias/dp/0801885094/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242164326&sr=8-1
I highly recommend it..

You might want to poke around at some Alzheimer's foundations and see if they have any "where to turn for help" information. I found this one, which I think has a discussion forum:
http://www.healthyplace.com/alzheimers/menu-id

I feel for you. It's a terrible illness, it just so hard on everybody involved.
-56/

 

[TinysMom]

I have good news!

I called my mom tonight (sort of spur of the moment) and her Pastor had been there talking with her - she put him on the phone with me to talk to me - and then I talked to her after he left.

Basically - she realizes she needs help and she WANTS to go to a nursing home - a specific one. I think her Pastor is going to help her get information - if not - then I'll be helping her from down here.

It means I'll have to fly home again sometime in the next 3 or 4 months....to help her close up her apartment, etc - however - I will feel so much better knowing she is someplace "safe".

 

[SunnyCait]

Oh good! That is good news! I hope that she will be happier and safer.

 

[pumpkinandwhiskersmom]

That is so awesome! I'm so glad that things are better.

 

[pla725]

Sounds like this this the best solution to the situation. Hopefully she won't reconsider or forget about this decision.

As a social worker I often work with families in this situation. PM me if you need any guidance.

 

[EileenH]

What a relief for you. It must be scary for your mom to know something is not right and be alone. It will be much better to be around people familar with the situation.

I'm happy for you.