need support. .and need to rant

[katt]

so some long time RO people know that i have some mental issues. i have been labled as general and social anxiety disorder, and mood disorder with bi-polar tendencies plus the basic depression

i stopped going to therapy months and months ago (almost a year now, in fact). at the time we were not getting anywere and i was sick of all the drugs (its a long story, but lets just say i was on a lot of drugs and i just couldn't do it anymore)

so i stopped. i stopped therapy, and the drugs, and was doing well. i still had panic attacks, but i always told myself to just deal with it.

recently i have seen some changes in my behavior that make me think its time to go back to weekly sessions and anti-depressants.

i've stopped being a clean freak, in fact i just don't have the energy to even clean anymore. i have cut off most of my friends,and am picking fights with the ones i still have around (which to date is like 3 that i will actually talk to. . .this is not a good thing), i cry all the time, i am avoiding social situations, and having those mind-blowing panic attacks that i can't just set aside, they engulf me. what scares me even more is the mood swings, they aren't normal. they are the drastic up and downs that is telling me its long past time to be tested for bi-polar disorder, they never tested me in the past, just always knew that i had extrem up and downs and that i was like a bi-polar person.

basically, i see all the warnings for completely falling again. and i can't go thru that once more.

i haven't told my family, or anyone. i hate that i will start getting the "oh not again" looks.

i am afraid of the drugs, afraid to be 'zombied' out again. last time they had me on so many, that i had a hard time doing anything. they make me sick, it takes my body weeks to adjust to them, and to adjust to any changes. it also means talking to a professional. telling them everything (not something i am good at). it means being exhausted from therapy only to run over to work and put a full 10 hour day it.

basically i could just use a hug right now.

i don't know what this means for me on the forum. i could either go completely to lurking for a while, or become super active as a way to escape. just to forwarn you all.

it sucks so much because all i want to do is sit down and talk with my best friend (we are in a semi-relationship, so i am really close to him) and i can't cause i pushed it way to far with him yesterday, got into a fightand now he is avoiding me. i just want to explain to him whats going on, why i am acting like this, and i can't.

it way my fight with him yesterday that made me realize that i needed to go back. it was a pointless fight and one i did on purpose(without knowing it) to pushhim away. classic mental katie.

anyway, thanks for letting me rant. and getting it all out. it helps just to tell someone whats going on.

 

[TinysMom]

:hugsquish:

On my way out the door - more later...

 

[Fancy77]

(((( HUGE HUG )))) Just a question...have you tried a hypnotist? A few years back there was a public session of what this guy did and it had nothing to do with "putting u under" He just talked quiet and had u envision things to get u to relax. then he just talked about picturing a perfect place where u r happy and then getting a "vase" out and throwing all your emotional junk into it and then its gone 4ever. The cool thing was is he made a copy of the session for each of the ppl that went up there..it was cool to see. He was like a counselor and a hypnotist too. I was a believer.

 

[kirbyultra]

:hug:Hugs for you... I don't know much about this andI don't want to advise the wrong thing or say something dumb. Just would like to give you a hug and kudos for getting some of your emotions out.

 

[aurora369]

How are you holding up?

You are one of my favourite posters, and I love to read your stories and see the pictures you post.

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time.

--Dawn

 

[katt]

thanks everyone.

i am doing okay. its like nothing stops going bad sometimes, like its a snowball type of situation i am dealing with everthing else plus, i had a very public (at work)breakup with my boyfriend(well, we were in a non-relationship relationship. . . hard to explain). so life has been very hard the past week.

i went to my dr. as my phycologist couldn't get me in till oct. and got back on meds. she told me that i needed to get my sh*t together because i was making myself sick. (my dr. tells me stuff straight out, which is why i like her) she let me cry for a while, took some bloodwork (to test my liver, and just a general pannel), and then sat down and basically said "okay, i let you cry, i let you get it out, now stop and lets fix this". this weekend was tough. i just couldn't stop crying, so on friday i packed an overnight bag, the rabbit, and myself up and crashed at my parents house. figured it would be better to mope around people that all alone. and it helped.

everyone has been so helpfull around me. it has been so hard. i had just decided to go back to thearpy when all the bad stuff went down with my "boyfriend" so it just toppled me over the edge a little. my director of the department i work for took me into his office, almost right after it happened and just said "talk". i spent about an hour in there with him, crying and talking, and him telling me a lot of stuff that i needed to hear (but wouldn't listen to when it came from my friends mouth, funny how sometimes it takes a stranger to get thru to you).

anyway. i have days before the meds really work, untill then i am dealing with everything the best i can.

i am doing okay. i will do okay. it just is going to suck today because i work with him(the ex). same shift, same breaks, right next to each other.

i think i made the best choice, going back to the meds, i think it was time.

anyway, i best be off to work. thank you for the hugs, and thanks dawn for wondering how i was doing.

 

[Fancy77]

I am VERY happy to hear u r doing well I have been following this thread silently, But I am elated that u know ur self well enough and are strong enough to do what u r doing...talking to ppl and getting help. It must be challenging when everything fell apart all at once, but u should b SO proud of who u r. KUDOS!!!!

 

[tonyshuman]

[[big hugs]]

I know exactly how it feels to have your life and work suffer due to a mood disorder that you can't control, and people tell you to just get over it, and you can't, and then you feel guilty and even worse because you can't get over it. Let the meds get you stabilized at least, since you've had some turbulence in your life, and then see where you are.

 

[DeniseJP]

tonyshuman wrote:

[[big hugs]]

I know exactly how it feels to have your life and work suffer due to a mood disorder that you can't control, and people tell you to just get over it, and you can't, and then you feel guilty and even worse because you can't get over it. Let the meds get you stabilized at least, since you've had some turbulence in your life, and then see where you are.

I agree - I suffer from chronic depression and at times life stinks... a big hug to you as I know how difficult therapy and drugs can be, but they do help.

Stay strong!

Denise