I really need some advice...

[BunnyLove89]

I will be as vague as possible. Last night I went on a first date with a guy I just met. He didn't seem to be my type at all, but I agreed to go to his apartment tonight for drinks and to play cards. The end result was him physically keeping me from leaving and once I was able to get away I went to the police station to file a report for battery and sexual assault/attempted rape. The officer was blunt and said that since we were drinking (even though I said "no", "you need to stop", "i dont want to" and "i have to leave" SEVERAL times) my case was weak because apparently I put myself in a bad situation and didn't try hard enough to leave. But I do have a documented bruise from him. The sexual assault/attempted rape charge was filed tonight, but if I want to add a battery charge I need to file that tomorrow. I'm not sure if it's worth it since the officer made it seem like it was partly my fault. I am extremely embarassed for that and I had to text my boss saying that I can't come to work tomorrow because of the incident. My parents are out of town and i am worried that if I make the guy even more angry that something will happen when i'm home alone. When I was 17 I had to file against a 28 year old and I got told the same thing from the police. I'm also embarrassed because I am 23 and should know better than to get myelf into messes like this. And I feel bad because I told my parents what happened and I don't want them to be disappointed in me. I never used to care what my parents thought, but lately I have been trying to be more of a "grown-up" and have a better head on my shoulders and I really thought I was doing good. I think deep down I did know better than to find guys the way that I did, but I have a really hard time being single and alone, and haven't really figured out a way to be okay with me and being on my own. It's something I am working on..obviously I am failing at that. Anyway, my short question turned into a long ramble. My question was on whether or not I should file I battery charge or just leave it at the sexual assault/attempted rape.

 

[whitelop]

First you should know that, nothing is your fault. Sure you put yourself in a not so great position, but there is clearly something wrong in that guys mind to think that what happened was okay.
I think that I would file a battery charge, but you have to do what you feel comfortable with. Unfortunately the situation you're in is a difficult one, because it is a lot of "he said, she said", but at least if little comes out of it, it will be documented. So if he did anything to someone else in the future, the police could see it was a pattern.
I don't think you're parents will be disappointed in you. They're probably worried as hell about you. I am a parent, I have a son, but I could imagine if I had a daughter and she called and told me that. I would be terrified and so flipping mad that the guy.

As for dating and such, sometimes it is hard to be alone, but sometimes it hard to be with someone. You have to find out who you are in order the find the right person for you. Sometimes it takes time, but as long as you're comfortable with yourself, it won't matter if you're alone.

Just to reiterate myself, this isn't your fault. But, next time some guy asks you to go to his apartment to have a drink and play cards, don't do it. If you're finding guys on the internet, that is a tell tale sign that they're creeps. (Sorry to people who found mates online.) If you can't meet someone in a regular social setting, then thats a problem. I suggest you drop the facebook and just spend sometime with yourself and try to figure out who YOU are.

I wish you all the best, I hope everything gets better.

 

[agnesthelion]

No one was there so no one can tell you to file the charge or not. You have to do what you feel is right. Morgan is right, it will turn into a he said, she said...so be prepared for that.

I can say your dating stories on here make me shake my head. Why do you post for advice on here but then not take it? Nearly every poster last time told you to STOP DATING. Figure out yourself first. And here you are going to a strangers apartment for drinks??

Its NOT right what this guy did, but for Petes sake what is it going to take to get you to stop putting yourself in positions like this?

 

[BunnyLove89]

I apologize if it seems like I am not taking advice...
I hope it shows that I am trying by the fact that I am no longer dating either of the 2 guys I posted about and I didn't elope with my last boyfriend (I asked for advice on that and took it).
In my original post I tried explaining that I know I probably shouldn't be trying to date, but I have a hard time being single. I crave having someone close to me. Without it I feel like besides my parents, I have no friends or family here in Arkansas and it gets really lonely. No matter what I plan to do in the day, if my mom isn't around I do it all by myself and I hate it. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to explain my behavior...

 

[Imbrium]

bad situation or not, you told him NO and you told him you wanted to leave - nothing you had done up until that point gave him the right to ignore your refusals. there is nothing you can do that makes it 'ok' for a guy to assault you or 'your fault' if he tries to... and a commitment to play cards, chat and have some drinks is NOT a commitment to have sex - any guy who thinks otherwise has something wrong with him.

I would file charges... it's possible nothing will come of it, but at least it will be a matter of record if (or more likely, when) he pulls that crap again with another girl.

 

[HolyHandGrenade]

Ugh, I've been in a difficult spot like this before...and nothing came of it. The circumstances were much less clear cut in my case though. You, however, have plenty of room to make the charges, and I think a battery charge would be appropriate since he hurt you. Sad that men still feel so "entitled". Be careful out there, and next time a guy doesn't feel like your type, take it as a sign that you should move on, not spend more time with him.

 

[Nancy McClelland]

I'd get a restraining order, make a complaint to the "watch commander" and the District Attorney about the creep and the cop--he's not judge or jury and it's his job to "protect and serve" as well as enforce laws that are enacted to protect the "public wellbeing". Also contact the ACLU and any women's rights groups both local, state and national. Don't let any predator off the hook, they only continue to escalate. Another venue here are the TV stations--they all have help lines, so they may be able to help or steer you to someone that can. Lastly, you have to start making better choices. Many churches have mixers and there are other numerous groups with PUBLIC functions. Never met anyone in a bar or drinking situation that was worthy of time or notice. My wife and I met at school almost 40 years ago.

 

[agnesthelion]

BunnyLove89 wrote:

I apologize if it seems like I am not taking advice...
I hope it shows that I am trying by the fact that I am no longer dating either of the 2 guys I posted about and I didn't elope with my last boyfriend (I asked for advice on that and took it).
In my original post I tried explaining that I know I probably shouldn't be trying to date, but I have a hard time being single. I crave having someone close to me. Without it I feel like besides my parents, I have no friends or family here in Arkansas and it gets really lonely. No matter what I plan to do in the day, if my mom isn't around I do it all by myself and I hate it. I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to explain my behavior...

You don't need to apologize at all. I'm just one of those people that speaks the truth and says things that are sometimes difficult to hear. What that guy did was horrible. And not your fault by any means. But we can't tell you what to do. We weren't there.

I think you like attention even if it is negative. Coming on here you get further attention from the situation which is a payoff in itself again for you.

If you know you have issues about being alone and you know that you have a history of making bad decisions, than you need to keep that in the forefront of your mind to help guide you in the future. Don't put yourself in situations where you are consuming alcohol alone with a stranger in his apartment!! I mean my goodness, it seems like a no brainer to me.

Again, don't blur what I'm saying as me thinking what happened was your fault. It was not. No means no no matter the circumstances. But I can gaurs tee you if you continue making the same decisions in your dating life, you will be on here again with a problem with a man.

If you are lonely get involved in a healthy activity. Church, volunteering, community projects etc. If you figure out yourself and stop dating, find happiness, everything will fall in place afterwards.

 

[BunnyLove89]

Can a mod delete this thread? Thanks

 

[MiniLopHop]

I highly recommend this book:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0312357729/?tag=skimlinks_replacement-20

Fight Like a Girl...and Win: Defense Decisions for Women
Lori Hartman Gervasi

Unfortunately as a woman you need to look out for yourself because there are men out there who may take advantage of you. It helps you think through a situation before you put yourself into it, like drinking at his place. I'm concerned you may run into one who will not let you go with just a bruise. There are some truly sick people out there.

I met my husband on-line, but 13 years ago it was a whole different thing. BBS was for geeks to chat, but I still took precautions when we met in real life and we were never alone together unless in public for the first whole weekend visit. He stayed in my male friend's dorm room rather than mine. If thoes things wouldn't have been ok to him then it would have been a red flag.

I hope you learn from this and take it as a warning from the universe. You are making better decisions over time, but please stop and think a little more next time. We want you to stay safe. Give Winston hugs and kisses if you get lonely. I agree that perhaps you should join a woman's group, or church, or anything safe. Heck, I once took a composting class because I was lonely and had an interrest in gardning. :hug: