I really don't know what to do anymore...

[Brandy456]

My mom is always mad at me, and against me. Nothing I do is good enough, everything I do, she finds a fault and shoves it in my face. She compares me to my ever so perfect brothers, and friends.
Past few weeks she's been mentioning in the new year i'm going to start a diet. She keeps saying 'oh you've gained weight' but the reason I gained weight (6 pounds) was because all the stress she puts me through, I sit in bed and do my homework or play on my phone (internet).
She always finds a way to put me down, it's like her drug.. she gets pleasure from making me feel like utter crap.
The other day I went with her and her friend to the grocery store, only because I begged her to let me go, I was tired of being stuck in the house. Her and her friend made a clear conversation on how I looked frumpy and silly wearing my boots. (their sort of like UGGS)
Also, when we're in public (not often..) she likes to mention my faults in front of others, such as 'Hey Brandy... That zit on your head looks pretty nasty" or "Your pants are too tight, you're falling out of them".
Then people stare at me like i'm some wilder beast.
I find she's embarrassed to bring me in public, at least 4 times in the past 2 weeks her friends have invited me and her for dinner with them and their kids.. in front of me... then when the day comes to go for dinner she randomly leaves.. and goes to the dinner without me after telling me she wasn't going to go.
Like her friends have kids my age, they all went.. but she couldn't be bothered to bring me and I know she's embarrassed because my weight... she doesn't like to eat with me either and it hurts. The other day she asked if I was done eating soup, and I said 'Yeah, Almost' and she said "Ok, i'll eat now.."
The whole time I was about to eat, I called her (she was in the computer room) to come eat and she kept saying 'after.. after' and never came down.
Also, it's the holidays.. and I lost my dad.. so I cried about it and she asks why and I tell her, and she proceeds with 'oh well' and leaves.
I don't know what to do anymore, the stress with friends is becoming to much on top of this.

 

[Jessyka]

You're mother sounds like a horrible wench. :grumpy: I wish I could say something to help you out, but my mother is just as crazy and I still haven't figured out how to deal with it.

Although sometimes when my mother is picking at me and she isn't too angry yet, I like to remind her that I will be picking the nursing home she'll go into when she's older. That usually shuts her up for a minute or two.

 

[Brandy456]

I've actually said the nursing home deal and she shoots back with 'well I'm sure your brothers love me enough to let me stay with them' and goes on and on.

 

[Jessyka]

I just went back to the "Post a picture of yourself" thread to see what you looked like and I'm now under the impression that your mother is either blind or everyday is opposite day.

Has she been diagnosed with any mental illness?

 

[SunnyCait]

This is how people get eating disorders, is horrible mothers who say horrible things and act like that!

 

[irishbunny]

I don't why your Mother says stuff like that to you! From what I can see in pictures, you are really pretty and you have a nice figure! Plus, you have a great personality. Try to just ignore her, it's probably easier said then done, but what she is saying is totally untrue

 

[Brandy456]

SunnyCait wrote:

This is how people get eating disorders, is horrible mothers who say horrible things and act like that!

Oh god can't believe i'm admitting this,
This is how I lost the weight in the first place.
Then I promised my best friend (whos a guy) that I would stop, and i tried.. and yeah
but thanks Gals.
Those pictures there aren't really recent.. I can get a new one if you want.

 

[SunnyCait]

Are you fine now or?

If you aren't eating the way you should be you need to get help. One of my sisters had an eating disorder when she was around your age, and it REALLY messed her body up. I'm talking repeat hospitalizations, and eventually she needed a kidney transplant. She was lucky because she is recovering now, and after therapy and going to a treatment program she is a happy and well adjusted woman... Actually expecting her first baby in the new year!

 

[Brandy456]

SunnyCait wrote:

Are you fine now or?

Not really.
Like I mean I was when I lost all that weight, she was so proud and happy to be with me..
now it's like.. eh.

 

[PepnFluff]

I know how you feel love, my Mums favourite line at the moment is "Phoebe do you really need that" well actually mum I will eat this CRACKER and I don't give a stuff cause were not all size 6's (think thats like a 0 or 2US?)like you! My best advice is to ignore her and to try your best to do so, because she is WRONG your not fat and you don't need to diet! And try as much to get out and be surrounded by positive happy people. If you do think your not eating proper and all that does Canada have like a youth help line or something?? Or is there someone with no ties to your Mum who you can trust and can help you? BIIIIIIIG hugs sweetie :hug:

 

[Raspberry82]

Your mom is nuts. I would think if she truly loved you for who you are, she wouldn't treat you like that! Those are such mean things to say to your own child, mothers should love unconditionally! I would get a journal and write down all the things you love about yourself, are proud of about yourself, positive things to re-affirm about you to counter the negativity coming from your mom.

But eating regularly and eating things that are good for you are so important for your body to stay well and not fall apart. I think dieting doesn't really work and is usually incorrect. If you really want to trim a bit, don't ever deprive yourself or go hungry. Just eat more veggies, fruit, salads (even if it's with ranch!) and mostly lean meats, eggs, dairy, whole grains as your lifestyle, not a diet. That way, you'll stay in good shape even without exercise. Treat yourself now and again with something you love. And always eat or snack when you're hungry, just try to choose "good" foods like fruit, nuts, or protein instead of sugar foods. You're young, your body will burn the calories so fast if you eat healthy!

Maybe your mom grew up with her mom treating her that way.. often times these things are something they grew up with and are now passing on to you. So don't let her win!

Besides, your mom has it backwards. Not eating actually makes you gain weight, not lose it. Because it shuts down your metabolism and makes your body store everything. When you eat regularly and eat good foods, they actually speed up your metabolism and help you burn more calories faster.. so you'll stay slimmer!

 

[hln917]

I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. I've seen your picture and you are a very pretty girl and you certainly do not look overweight. 6lbs is not alot! I don't know why your mom is treating you this way. You said you lost your dad; perhaps with the holidays coming up she may also be hurting but not showing it. Perhaps the toll of being a single mom is taking its toll on her. LikeRaspberrysaid perhaps her own mom treated her the same way. Their's alot of "perhaps",butI think you should sit down with your mom andtalk with her, let her know your feelings and how it's hurting you. Maybe then you can also get her to admit her feelings and why she's being the way she is. Hugs to you and I hope the relationship will improve with your mom.:hug:

 

[Brandy456]

Thanks,
But my parents were seperated since I was four.
But, if you'd read my other threads I wrote.. primarily about her, it's a year round thing.
=/

 

[Bassetluv]

Heya Brandy,

You know, my heart just went out to you when I read this thread. Dealing with a parent who can be emotionally abusive, or emotionally manipulative, or closed off, can be so incredibly difficult. I don't have any sage words of advice on how you can deal with your mom, other than to say that you will get through this...and you know how strong you are. Recognizing that what your mother sometimes says, or the way she sometimes acts toward you, is not right, is the first step to realizing that it's not you. Parents who inflict pain and hurt on their child often don't realize they are doing so, as much as we may wonder how on earth they wouldn't know. In most cases, the hurtful words and actions are coming from pain that the parent is harboring inside themselves, about themselves. Because they simply don't know how to deal with the struggle they have with their own selves, or in some cases, don't even consciously realize it's there, they tend to target it toward someone close to them...someone who cannot, or will not, fight back; and often it is a very close family member.

My dad used to be very hard on me when I was young. He would lavish praise on my younger sister whenever a relative happened to be visiting, telling them that she was the pride and joy of the family, that she was the smart one, that she would be the one to excel...and then he would turn to me and tell them, "This one won't amount to anything; she'll never get a boyfriend, never have a job", or some variation of those words. He also said worse things to - and about - me...but I won't go into that here. Suffice to say, I suffered for a great many years over things that were directed at me in my childhood, and it wasn't until I realized that my dad was inflicting the low values and negative image he held of himself onto me, in order to make himself feel better about him - all unintentional, but still incredibly hurtful - that I was able to understand I was not the person he was describing to everyone...he was seeing himself through me, and he wasn't seeing me, because he couldn't.

Just focus upon who you are, and how strong and loving a person you have always been, especially at such times when your mother's words hurt you. I know it's much easier said than done when in the midst of it, but down the road, when you are older, in realizing that the pain your mom is inflicting is actually her own insecurities and pain, will help you to cope, and to ultimately recover. :hug:

 

[Brandy456]

I talked to my brother, alone yesterday. He told me he see's the difference in how she talks with him, and how she talks with me.
He's totally upset about it, but theres nothing we can do. She's very.. harsh when she's mad. She's disowned that brother once already.. but yet i'm the one at the bottom of the 'feeding line' .
It's mostly the public humiliation that bugs me most, and the way she talks to me.
Like, she hasn't made dinner in almost a year now. She flat out refuses to unless someone is comming for dinner. I asked her why, and she says because she doesn't want to cook for me
Like, My room is pretty messy now, because I found some boxes with some plaques my dad got when he was in the army.. and Babii made a mess with her bedding I haven't gotten around to cleaning (no more then 2 days worth) and she showed my oldest brother it, and they both started going on about me, literally making me cry at my nephews birthday party .
I honestly think she likes when I cry, or when i'm hurt.
It's like a releif to her, that all she's put me through has made me top off

 

[Brandy456]

..
My mom just called as she was leaving the mall and told me when she calls me I have to go hide in my room so she can bring presents inside the house which are unwrapped.
Then she adds " I think you deserve them ".

...Did hell just freeze over ?

 

[fuzz16]

i have a similar situation at home

my mom constantly reminds me how much of a failure i am and how i am a bad mom.

honestly, i thought standing up to her and tellin her how she broke me down telling me these things, she just told me someone needed to and maybe id grow up.

once you get your own place, it gets better. when your not around her constantly. i know everytone says you should wait and take your time to move out and YOU SHOULD but once you know your ready being away from your parents is the most wonderful thing is you have an emotionally/phsyically/mentally abusive parent

 

[irishlops]

Brandy some of the things you have said has happened and still is amoung other this is happening to me.
I am starting to get help you should aswell
Please feel free to pm me anytime, seriously.
xoxooxoxo

 

[Brandy456]

Wrong thread so I edited.
Anyways
BIG, HUGE fight yesterday.
Freaking brothers took her side. Backstabber's.
When I was right.

 

[GoinBackToCali]

Brandy~

I rarely post on the forum anymore, but I do follow threads..and I felt I needed to post on yours.

I have 2 mothers..My adoptive mom and my birth mom.

My adoptive mom had a crappy life as a child and projected all her hopes dreams and aspirations on me, when I did not live up to those, I was severely abused. Beaten literally within an inch of my life..some nights I prayed for death to take me so I would not have to endure anymore.

I could never live up to those hopes, dreams, or aspirations, because my mom was 5ft5... cheerleader.. rah rah rah. I am 6ft3.. built like a brick outhouse. I just won't ever be a cute petite girl. It just won't happen...

My mom, when she couldn't physically abuse me, emotionally abused me in public. She made fun of my overbite, how my clothes fit, my acne, because I was athletic, I must be gay..(nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but to a staunch Old School Catholic Mom, it's a huge deal).. it was almost like she thrived on seeing how low she could break me down...she took immense pleasure in belittling and degrading me...
(For a long time I was very angry with my extended family members for sitting idly by and doing nothing, they all apologize to me now.. they say things like "we all knew what Aunt Joyce was doing to you, and we felt so sorry for you...")

In many ways.. I feel like, my mother was trying to live through me, and when I failed to live up to what she felt was acceptable, I paid the price..I have read it's just you and 2 brothers..from everything I have read that you have posted..I am reading, that instead of accepting you for YOU, and the wonderful person that YOU are, she is dissapointed that you are not the person SHE wants you to be..you did not meet what she feels are her expectations..so she treats you like garbage..much like mine treated me. Your the only girl, just like I was, so you get the brunt of the crap thrust on you... many times I felt like had I had sisters, perhaps maybe one of them would be what she wanted and she would ease up off of me..

I especially read into that when you posted "she wanted to be around me when I lost the weight.."

When I looked like all the plastics, and fit in, and was a cookie cutter, my mom liked me too..when I strayed off and gained weight, or had acne, or did something weird with my hair, the crap started again.

With my birth mom.. I didn't find her till I was 33.. and she is everything in my life I have ever tried hard not to be..funny thing is, she is everything my adoptive mother always accused me of being. I am actually neither of the two.

Her toxicity level was so bad.. I had to completely remove her from my life, and that's saying alot compared to the trials I went through with my adoptive mom.

This is not going to be an easy time in your life.. some people are just not happy, unless they are making other people miserable..but you will grow up, you will get past it, you will overcome..

And I will promise you this.. years from now..your mom will remember things completely different than how you do. They never think they are doing anything wrong, or see how they could possibly be hurting you..

You need to do just as the song says..

"After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end, I wanna thank you
'Cause you made me that much stronger

'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know, just how capable
I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you
'Cause it

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter"


As for me...when I was about 27.. I realized.. all I ever wanted was my mom's approval..that wasn't going to happen. She has to love me because she is my mom, if she doesn't, that's on her.. so I just stopped trying so hard, and lived my life for me...if she decided to be a part of it.. good, cause I was done tryin.. and I was done cryin..

Worked pretty good.. cause we had a pretty good relationship right up until she died..

I hope there is some wisdom in something I have posted here to you...take care love..