I need to put this out there and maybe even ask for some support.

[Alexah]

Many of you know how much of a "sick" mess I was at the beginning of this year. Hopefully, since that time, you've noticed a change in me. I've been working my butt off and trying to get past the issues that brought me to that terrible place. And I've done better, been better, and feel better because of it. This forum was really a catalyst to my being willing to finally get some help. And I'll forever be grateful for that. But I've been slipping up lately and struggling some. And I was wondering if it would be okay to ask for some support?

Despite all the untruths I told in the past, I did speak about some of my struggles openly and honestly. One of those was my eating disorders. I was diagnosed with eating disorder not otherwise specified when I was very young. And it's been something I've struggled with now for more than 2/3 of my life. It primarily takes the form of anorexia though I occasionally slip into bulimia or some other combination of behaviors. I've been getting serious help again since the beginning of the year and have managed to put on much needed weight. And I've been medically stable since about March. But I've noticed that I've lost some weight over the past three weeks and while it's not a lot, it's put me below my target. And that concerns me. I do have a therapist, but she's been away the last two weeks and I don't have another appointment until the end of next week. I have other supports that I use, but it's very hard and I'm scared that I'll slip even further. And I think it's all been compounded by the fact that I'm dealing with some other issues right now as well that have caused a lot of my OCD behaviors to sprout up again. And the combination of everything right now has made me very uncomfortable. I don't want to feel this way and am willing to work as hard as I need to in order to bring myself out of this slump.

I know that the world (and this forum) doesn't revolve around me, but I was wondering if I could maybe ask for some accountability from the people on the forum? I don't need anyone to do anything - this is my job. I just need to put my thoughts out here and share what maybe is and isn't working for me. I'd like to just continue to use this thread so I can mark my successes and failures this week and next until I can be back in therapy and working on my issues with a professional. Would that be okay?

If it's not alright, I'll gladly stop it here. I just want to do what's needed to take care of myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else or ask for support I don't deserve. But I did need to put this out here and I'm grateful to all of you and for this forum since it has allowed me to do just that. Thank you.

(And now I'm totally scared everyone thinks I'm lying (again) and just a nut bar in general. I'm so sorry.)

 

[Elf Mommy]

Are you a member of any message boards geared toward eating disorders? I'm a member of a message board for Low Carb Dieters and there are sections on the message board for people who struggle with eating disorders. They are a really awesome group of people who are very supportive of each other. I know this group is just as supportive and you've already developed relationships here, so I'm certainly not against you posting here, but thought you also might want to join a group going through the same struggles.

I wish you much luck, and I hope you can be at peace with yourself while waiting for your therapist to return. Hug some bunnies! Always helps me!

 

[pinksalamander]

Let it out my little Lottie lover! :hug1

Fran :hearts :brownbunny

 

[NZminilops]

:?

 

[Alexah]

I really appreciate everyone's support. It has made such a difference for me today and I'm sure it will continue to be of help in the future. I was really very afraid to post, but I'm so grateful that I was willing to put myself out there and I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to respond to my thread. It means a lot.

I do belong to an eating disorder's website however I'm not that active on the forums anymore. I'll occasionally lurk or post, but generally I don't feel very safe there. I will check out the other site someone offered to me - among others - but this feels good for right now. I don't want to immerse myself in my eating disorder. I just want to have accountability as I kick butt and recover!

So far today this has made all the difference. I've eaten my breakfast and lunch. I've followed my meal plan (given to me by a doctor and looked over by a nutritionist from where I went to treatment) to a tee and have had the fluids I really needed. And, amazingly, I'm feeling really good about everything. I'm not hardly anxious at all and that is such a big deal for me as my anxiety has been preventing me to do what I needed to do for myself to remain healthy. I really think it's a combination of being willing to open up and be accountable along with knowing that there are people who understand me and support me that's made the difference. I'm actually happy today and proud of myself for doing what needed to be done.

YAY me!

So...thanks to everyone who responded or even just bothered to read this. I'm going to continue to work hard and I only hope I can support you all as much as you've supported me. And thanks to this site, the admins, the mods, and every single member. This board's been a blessing to me more than once and it just fills my heart so much that I've been able to grow and learn because of this board and everyone here.

 

[NZminilops]

Yay for following your eating plan! :biggrin2: That's awesome! Just remember that if you slip up for a day or an hour, it's not all over. I have to keep telling myself that too. I've been doing great following my plan for a couple of weeks too, but really messed up last night :?, but I have to tell myself that today is a new day and I don't have to give up.

I'm also so glad that there is someone else on here who is struggling with an eating disorder, I find most people to be so obnoxious when you tell them you have an issue. For me, it's "why don't you just stop eating?" for you I would be it's "why don't you just START eating?", and the looks they give you :shock:. They have no clue the power that the disorder has over you, you just can't force yourself.

I'm so glad that you can find some comfort and relief in being able to talk on here, I know I do too. The eating disorder forums are good but sometimes I get a bit scared when trolls pounce on me and say vicious things, there is much less fear of that on here.

 

[trailsend]

Alexah - I can't really offer any help as I've never dealt with these issues before, but you of course have my support and I really wish the very best for you - and for NZminilops. You have my full support too!

I just wanted to say Alexah that I have noticed a HUGE difference in your posts and imagine that reflects off your personality and it's amazing. You come across totally different and I hope in some ways you are feeling so much better, although I know not yet in all ways. I hope you continue to grow and heal. :hug:

 

[Alexah]

I'm literally crying because I'm so honored to have had people respond to my post and care. It means even more because I've been my honest, true self. Some of you will understand what that means and why it's so important to me. And, for the others, just know that with your help and support I'm growing even more.

I did manage to finish my dinner this evening. My mouth is killing me and I don't know why. It's made eating today more difficult than usual, but because my anxiety has been lifted, I was able to get everything in so far. That's a huge feat for me since I've not been able to do everything for quite a while. I've been doing better, but today has literally been the best day food and emotion-wise in a long time. And while I know I have received tremendous support here, I also know that no one could do it for me had I not been willing to work my butt off. I need one more snack tonight and some more water and gatorade, but if I do all that then today will mark my first day of 100% in I don't even know how long. I know I'll need to fight tomorrow and in the future, but it feels extremely good - no, amazing - to have done this today. Thank you all so, so much!

Michelle, it's a comfort to know that I'm not alone in the fight. And should you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to e-mail me or PM me. While I can't promise to know what to say, I'll be there to listen. And thank you so much for being willing to do the same for me.

And, trailsend, thank you SO much for letting me know that you've seen a difference in me. That means more than you could ever know. I've been working really hard at being authentic and also being more caring, sympathetic, and empathetic to others. I've stopped being all me, me, me (as much as anyone can) and tried to be open to others as well. It feels good and even better to know that others notice that I've changed. It means even more because this is where it all began, you know? Just thank you.

Thank you to you all .