TinysMom
Well-Known Member
I'm really too broken up right now to say much - just looking to see if anyone has any tips, links, etc. to help.....
More later...maybe.
More later...maybe.
Has anyone dealt with an elderly parent getting dementia?
- Thread starter TinysMom
- Start date
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Hey Peg, personally I haven't, but my dad's dad is really starting to show signs of Alzheimers, or however you spell it. My nan is still around and capable of looking after him but otherwise it would fall to my dad and his brothers (and in some case their wives too).
Poke me if you want to talk, ok?
Do you want to talk more about what's going on? I have a rough guess given I saw your FB, but do you want to open up more?
Poke me if you want to talk, ok?
Do you want to talk more about what's going on? I have a rough guess given I saw your FB, but do you want to open up more?
Luvr of Wabbits and Polar Bears
Well-Known Member
My Grandmother had Alzheimer's and Dementia before she passed away. She would wander away from the house while Grandpa while downstairs watching T.V. so my parents had to move in there 'cause grandpa couldn't do a good enough job watching over her. My parents lived with them for several years until she was placed in a care home. By then it had gotten worse.
TinysMom
Well-Known Member
Flashy wrote:
The story is long and complex and I'm due to call my mom after lunch for our weekly call....so this is going to be a bit short and rushed.
Over the last 18 months, I've noticed my mom (80 years old now) having short term memory loss. She would repeat herself several times in conversations - but to her - it was as if she was saying it for the very first time. She was not aware of the fact she was having the same conversation.
However, she was eating good, getting out of the apartment sometimes, taking good care of her cat, paying her bills, etc. etc.
When I was home last May, mom and I had the "nursing home" talk. She still didn't think she wanted to move down here....and when her cat died (he has diabetes) she said she'd love to go into the local nursing home. She used to play the piano there and she loves it - she has friends there, etc. She said it would be like a continual party.
I came home suspecting that my next visit up there (depending upon her cat's health) might be to move her into the nursing home...but I hoped not. I hoped that she'd continue to do as good as she was doing.
Over the last 2-3 months though - she has changed. Sometimes she will call and her voice is whiny and almost child-like....she wants to die...she hates being alone...she's so lonely...she wants me there NOW. When she's like that - she will be angry at my uncle (more about that in a bit) and thinks the whole world is out to get her.
Other times -she's more like the mom I know...loves living alone (mostly) - gripes about the weather but she loves Maine (I'm in SW Texas - 3000 miles away). But she's more lucid - and not as wrought up about things in her life.
Over the last month - she has called me probably 20 times (or more) crying about how she is lonely. This isn't like mom - she doesn't have long distance normally so every call costs her $1 for the first 20 minutes with the service she has. Mom has always been VERY careful about calling long distance.
Anyway - she had a problem with her car and it was leaking gas. She had someone come to check it and take it in to be worked on (he drove all the way down there - about 10 miles - to get it because his mom and her mom used to be close and he cares about my mom). As he got under the car - he saw that there is no way it will pass inspection this year and since he knows that my mom is having some memory problems - he called my uncle (who she had also called to come down and take the car to the garage - she forgot she'd called both of them). My uncle and the mechanic talked and it was agreed that my uncle would talk to mom since he knows how to deal with her. So he did - he told her about how much it will take to get the car fixed...what he would do if it was his car - etc. etc. Basically - he recommended her selling the car for parts or whatever she could get out of it.
Mom is VERY attached to her car.
Over the past 2-3 weeks this has become a big thing now - how my uncle is trying to "steal" mom's car from her to give it to his grandsons to drive around and they say they'll take her for groceries, etc.
She's been quoting a conversation to me that she had with my aunt - almost word for word.
Only problem? They never EVER had that conversation. I spent over an hour on the phone with my aunt and uncle this morning. My uncle doesn't want the car - he feels like it is dangerous - he's worried about her driving it. He definitely doesn't want his grandkids driving it...
Yesterday I talked to one of mom's best friends - it turns out that mom told her about conversations she's had with me - about how I'm going to come up - drive her back down here with the car and she's going to live with US until she can move into one of the apartments for the elderly down here. Only problem...we've never had the conversation.
Now we have talked in the past about her moving down to the apartments down here - and I told her that we could drive down in her car when an apartment open up (so that she won't have to fly her cat)....but the idea of her living WITH us was never ever part of the conversationlll
This week I guess this all came together because mom called me about wanting to die since she was so lonely....and when I called her back - we got to talking about her moving down here and she wants to do so - as soon as possible I think. On Monday I'm going to be going to the local apartments for the elderly on low income to see about getting her an application.
I'm very very confused right now though - about what is best for my mom....and for us.
For instance - I'm hoping to return to work full-time for the next 18-20 months or so to get us back on track financially and get some bills caught up and paid off. This means that while I'll be able to get her groceries and stuff if she is down here...I can't spend 24/7 with her (nor would I want to). She's going to have to be alone some of the time. But she has no friends down here....at least up there she has friends who visit with her every day or so....
My uncle and aunt say she's not ill enough to need nursing home care up there - or at least not at the nursing home she likes...and that the place she *might* be eligible for - isn't the best place although she does have friends in that place.
In addition - mom has maybe $10,00 - $15,000 or so...and that's about all besides a $5,000 life insurance policy. My uncle - who is a financial planner (and CPA) - states that we need to think about some things - like setting up a mortuary trust fund to protect some of those assets before she goes to a nursing home. (His son is a lawyer and lives in the same town).
Mom has been a bookkeeper all her life and she is normally good at paying her bills and balancing her checkbook - now she needs my uncle's help - and she needs his help this week filling out the paperwork to renew her rent in her low-income apartment. She can't figure out what they want....
My uncle says someone definitely need to be in charge of her money to see that she doesn't give it all away or something - but right now - she's torn between hating him for wanting to "steal" her car - vs. needing his help and wanting it.
She has not had an official diagnosis of anything - but I used the term "dementia" because I'm finding out that many of the conversations that are real to her - did not happen.
HELP?
The story is long and complex and I'm due to call my mom after lunch for our weekly call....so this is going to be a bit short and rushed.
Over the last 18 months, I've noticed my mom (80 years old now) having short term memory loss. She would repeat herself several times in conversations - but to her - it was as if she was saying it for the very first time. She was not aware of the fact she was having the same conversation.
However, she was eating good, getting out of the apartment sometimes, taking good care of her cat, paying her bills, etc. etc.
When I was home last May, mom and I had the "nursing home" talk. She still didn't think she wanted to move down here....and when her cat died (he has diabetes) she said she'd love to go into the local nursing home. She used to play the piano there and she loves it - she has friends there, etc. She said it would be like a continual party.
I came home suspecting that my next visit up there (depending upon her cat's health) might be to move her into the nursing home...but I hoped not. I hoped that she'd continue to do as good as she was doing.
Over the last 2-3 months though - she has changed. Sometimes she will call and her voice is whiny and almost child-like....she wants to die...she hates being alone...she's so lonely...she wants me there NOW. When she's like that - she will be angry at my uncle (more about that in a bit) and thinks the whole world is out to get her.
Other times -she's more like the mom I know...loves living alone (mostly) - gripes about the weather but she loves Maine (I'm in SW Texas - 3000 miles away). But she's more lucid - and not as wrought up about things in her life.
Over the last month - she has called me probably 20 times (or more) crying about how she is lonely. This isn't like mom - she doesn't have long distance normally so every call costs her $1 for the first 20 minutes with the service she has. Mom has always been VERY careful about calling long distance.
Anyway - she had a problem with her car and it was leaking gas. She had someone come to check it and take it in to be worked on (he drove all the way down there - about 10 miles - to get it because his mom and her mom used to be close and he cares about my mom). As he got under the car - he saw that there is no way it will pass inspection this year and since he knows that my mom is having some memory problems - he called my uncle (who she had also called to come down and take the car to the garage - she forgot she'd called both of them). My uncle and the mechanic talked and it was agreed that my uncle would talk to mom since he knows how to deal with her. So he did - he told her about how much it will take to get the car fixed...what he would do if it was his car - etc. etc. Basically - he recommended her selling the car for parts or whatever she could get out of it.
Mom is VERY attached to her car.
Over the past 2-3 weeks this has become a big thing now - how my uncle is trying to "steal" mom's car from her to give it to his grandsons to drive around and they say they'll take her for groceries, etc.
She's been quoting a conversation to me that she had with my aunt - almost word for word.
Only problem? They never EVER had that conversation. I spent over an hour on the phone with my aunt and uncle this morning. My uncle doesn't want the car - he feels like it is dangerous - he's worried about her driving it. He definitely doesn't want his grandkids driving it...
Yesterday I talked to one of mom's best friends - it turns out that mom told her about conversations she's had with me - about how I'm going to come up - drive her back down here with the car and she's going to live with US until she can move into one of the apartments for the elderly down here. Only problem...we've never had the conversation.
Now we have talked in the past about her moving down to the apartments down here - and I told her that we could drive down in her car when an apartment open up (so that she won't have to fly her cat)....but the idea of her living WITH us was never ever part of the conversationlll
This week I guess this all came together because mom called me about wanting to die since she was so lonely....and when I called her back - we got to talking about her moving down here and she wants to do so - as soon as possible I think. On Monday I'm going to be going to the local apartments for the elderly on low income to see about getting her an application.
I'm very very confused right now though - about what is best for my mom....and for us.
For instance - I'm hoping to return to work full-time for the next 18-20 months or so to get us back on track financially and get some bills caught up and paid off. This means that while I'll be able to get her groceries and stuff if she is down here...I can't spend 24/7 with her (nor would I want to). She's going to have to be alone some of the time. But she has no friends down here....at least up there she has friends who visit with her every day or so....
My uncle and aunt say she's not ill enough to need nursing home care up there - or at least not at the nursing home she likes...and that the place she *might* be eligible for - isn't the best place although she does have friends in that place.
In addition - mom has maybe $10,00 - $15,000 or so...and that's about all besides a $5,000 life insurance policy. My uncle - who is a financial planner (and CPA) - states that we need to think about some things - like setting up a mortuary trust fund to protect some of those assets before she goes to a nursing home. (His son is a lawyer and lives in the same town).
Mom has been a bookkeeper all her life and she is normally good at paying her bills and balancing her checkbook - now she needs my uncle's help - and she needs his help this week filling out the paperwork to renew her rent in her low-income apartment. She can't figure out what they want....
My uncle says someone definitely need to be in charge of her money to see that she doesn't give it all away or something - but right now - she's torn between hating him for wanting to "steal" her car - vs. needing his help and wanting it.
She has not had an official diagnosis of anything - but I used the term "dementia" because I'm finding out that many of the conversations that are real to her - did not happen.
HELP?
Aw Peg, that's such a hard thing to deal with. I can sort of relate to the confusion and fear you feel because similar things have been happening with my grandad, the only difference being he doesn't want to come here, or anything, but he is definitely 'losing his mind'.
Try not to make any sudden decisions, discuss everything with as many people as you can. Has your mum seen a doctor? They might be able to give her proper assessment and maybe the right medication might halt this. They might also be able to put her in touch with local support to help her make some friends and get out and about. It's possible that she is lonely despite doing things because she can't remember she has done them, so always feels alone. This would be very sad and the only way to combat that would be for her to have someone 24/7. Instead of a nursing home, is there an option for sheltered accommodation? Where she could go and find people and socialise, but also have her own space?
Try not to make any sudden decisions, discuss everything with as many people as you can. Has your mum seen a doctor? They might be able to give her proper assessment and maybe the right medication might halt this. They might also be able to put her in touch with local support to help her make some friends and get out and about. It's possible that she is lonely despite doing things because she can't remember she has done them, so always feels alone. This would be very sad and the only way to combat that would be for her to have someone 24/7. Instead of a nursing home, is there an option for sheltered accommodation? Where she could go and find people and socialise, but also have her own space?
paul2641
Well-Known Member
My granny is 92, 93 in April and she started suffering with dementia when her last brother died about 10 years ago. She will continuously repeat the same conversation. One of the things that happened with my granny when her brother died she got very clingy to her children. And we have heard her saying she has wanted to die. My granny now won't leave her house. And doesn't trust anyone. Her money had to be taken away from her because she alwayswas giving it to us her grandchildren. And then she would complain to her children that they were stealing her money. And in the last 6 months for about three days a week she will just lie in the bed she won't even get up to go to the toilet. And then for the rest of the week she will just stay up and won't go to bed. Some of the things she has done are crazy she completely unassembled a electricity plug. And nearly blow up her house.
Luvmyzoocrew
Well-Known Member
I am so sorry Peg.
I would definetly get someone to be in charge of her money, i worked in banking for many years and have seen the elderly people being taken advantage of by people and it is horrible. The last thing you want is someone to talk her into putting them onto her account and then cleaning her out. On another note I dont know if you mom is on any medication by my grandmother is on Adavan, and some others, but here she has been forgeting when she takes them and taking too many, so for a while now she has been acting like someone who is getting alzheimers . Very forget full, completely forgetting conversations that she had just a second before, calling my parents hundreds of times a day, repeating things over and over, getting very frustrated. So check that it is not possible side effect of medication that she is on, if she is on something.
I would definetly get someone to be in charge of her money, i worked in banking for many years and have seen the elderly people being taken advantage of by people and it is horrible. The last thing you want is someone to talk her into putting them onto her account and then cleaning her out. On another note I dont know if you mom is on any medication by my grandmother is on Adavan, and some others, but here she has been forgeting when she takes them and taking too many, so for a while now she has been acting like someone who is getting alzheimers . Very forget full, completely forgetting conversations that she had just a second before, calling my parents hundreds of times a day, repeating things over and over, getting very frustrated. So check that it is not possible side effect of medication that she is on, if she is on something.
TinysMom
Well-Known Member
Mom and I had a two hour phone call today where she was actually LUCID for the majority of the call and she only repeated herself about half a dozen times. In addition, I kept the conversation away from my uncle...and she wasn't whiny or upset about him.
She is upset with her phone company though - she got her phone bill today and there are 30 charges on there for $1.20 each for each time she tried to call me in the last month and left me a message on the answering machine. Her normal phone bill is about $15 - this one is $49. She didn't know that if she got the answering machine (or that if the answering machine even picked up) it was considered a call and she'd get charged for it.
This is killing me inside though - I just...it hurts so bad. For the last 18-24 months she's been going downhill a bit at a time - but at least she took care of herself and ate good meals and took care of her bills. I knew she could handle being alone because she was taking such good care of herself...and she always at least had my uncle and aunt there to help her out.
I did some googling on aging in her area to see what is available and I found an organization that I'm going to contact on Monday with a ton of questions.
I also plan to write my uncle and aunt a letter and mail it to them - (and to mom's friend too) - thanking them for their help and willingness to listen to me and talk to me - even if I spent half the time crying.
It hit me really hard today that I need to start journaling about this because I am actually in a grieving process over losing my mom - even if she's still alive. I've sort of been in denial about it for a while - I'd think about it and stuff the concerns going, "she's fine...its just a bad day..".
But now people have confirmed to me that there are noticeable changes in her life and in the way she talks. My aunt even points out that depending upon what is happening - her voice sounds different...like when she is more lucid and aware of things - she has more confidence.
I feel so alone right now in all this. Art puts his arms around me and hugs me and tells me we'll make it through - but when I try to discuss it - its like he can't handle it. He tells me to stop worrying about it and going over it again and again in my mind - but right now - its like my mind is still reeling from the shock of realizing that "this is it.." and my mom really needs me to step in and help her make some decisions for her best interests and welfare.
My kids - don't want to see me hurt - but they also don't want their grandma HERE. They're really dreading it if she moves here (boy - that sounds horrible - doesn't it?).
Anyway - my mind is rambling again. There is so much to think about - and I realize that no decisions have to be made today or tonight or even this next week. I have time to gather information and make decisions.
As things stand right now - mom doesn't want to leave the apartment until about April (other than to run up town to get some groceries - but from what I hear from her friend -she is so lame she can barely walk around her apartment). I think one of my major goals is going to be getting her to see her doctor. In fact, I may call her friend to get the doctor's name and then call them and see if they can call mom and schedule an appointment closer to spring when she can get out and about.
Thanks for listening - and for caring. It means more than y'all know.
If anyone has any tips or advice - I'd love to hear it....even if it hurts.
She is upset with her phone company though - she got her phone bill today and there are 30 charges on there for $1.20 each for each time she tried to call me in the last month and left me a message on the answering machine. Her normal phone bill is about $15 - this one is $49. She didn't know that if she got the answering machine (or that if the answering machine even picked up) it was considered a call and she'd get charged for it.
This is killing me inside though - I just...it hurts so bad. For the last 18-24 months she's been going downhill a bit at a time - but at least she took care of herself and ate good meals and took care of her bills. I knew she could handle being alone because she was taking such good care of herself...and she always at least had my uncle and aunt there to help her out.
I did some googling on aging in her area to see what is available and I found an organization that I'm going to contact on Monday with a ton of questions.
I also plan to write my uncle and aunt a letter and mail it to them - (and to mom's friend too) - thanking them for their help and willingness to listen to me and talk to me - even if I spent half the time crying.
It hit me really hard today that I need to start journaling about this because I am actually in a grieving process over losing my mom - even if she's still alive. I've sort of been in denial about it for a while - I'd think about it and stuff the concerns going, "she's fine...its just a bad day..".
But now people have confirmed to me that there are noticeable changes in her life and in the way she talks. My aunt even points out that depending upon what is happening - her voice sounds different...like when she is more lucid and aware of things - she has more confidence.
I feel so alone right now in all this. Art puts his arms around me and hugs me and tells me we'll make it through - but when I try to discuss it - its like he can't handle it. He tells me to stop worrying about it and going over it again and again in my mind - but right now - its like my mind is still reeling from the shock of realizing that "this is it.." and my mom really needs me to step in and help her make some decisions for her best interests and welfare.
My kids - don't want to see me hurt - but they also don't want their grandma HERE. They're really dreading it if she moves here (boy - that sounds horrible - doesn't it?).
Anyway - my mind is rambling again. There is so much to think about - and I realize that no decisions have to be made today or tonight or even this next week. I have time to gather information and make decisions.
As things stand right now - mom doesn't want to leave the apartment until about April (other than to run up town to get some groceries - but from what I hear from her friend -she is so lame she can barely walk around her apartment). I think one of my major goals is going to be getting her to see her doctor. In fact, I may call her friend to get the doctor's name and then call them and see if they can call mom and schedule an appointment closer to spring when she can get out and about.
Thanks for listening - and for caring. It means more than y'all know.
If anyone has any tips or advice - I'd love to hear it....even if it hurts.
pla725
Well-Known Member
Speaking a social worker if your mom is being stubborn about going out to the doctor here is a possible solution.Since your family in Maine has noticed the chance I would advise them to call the doctor tospeak to them about their concerns.They can ask the doctor to have a Geriatric SW and a Nurse Practioner to make a visit. Some doctors do make home visits. I would advise someone to be thereat the time of the visit. Medicarewill pay for the visits.
Assisted living is also an option.
Assisted living is also an option.
pla725
Well-Known Member
Luvr of Wabbits and Polar Bears
Well-Known Member
I do know a little bit what your going threw but not a lot. As it wasn't my mother that had but my Grandmother who I was close to. It was hard for me seeing her in the state she was. One thing my Mother and Aunty did was to make sure one of them power of attorney over Grandma and the other had it for Grandpa incase this was to happen.
I don't know what to say but I'm sorry you going threw this and I know it's hard. Just keep talking about it and you might feel better.
I don't know what to say but I'm sorry you going threw this and I know it's hard. Just keep talking about it and you might feel better.
TinysMom
Well-Known Member
Thanks - this is who I'll be contacting first since they're about 25 miles away...
http://www.aroostookaging.org/index.htm
I'm thinking about writing an email and sending it over the weekend because I can express myself better in written words than the spoken word...
http://www.aroostookaging.org/index.htm
I'm thinking about writing an email and sending it over the weekend because I can express myself better in written words than the spoken word...
Dwarf_Angel04
Well-Known Member
She may not be nursing home material but what about assisted living? Meals would be provided and she still has limited freedom.
pla725
Well-Known Member
Good resource. Follow up with a call. Or have your relatives follow up with a call. I still think the primary doctor needs to be in the loop.
RexyRex
Well-Known Member
My Grams has Dementia as a "side effect" if you will of her Parkinson's. First off, big HUGS to you, it's very hard. Some things that we've gone through:
-She will talk to me as if I am my mom or my Aunt. She will talk about people from 40 years ago and expect me to know who they are, because she thinks she is talking to one of her daughters. Once I tried to correct her "No Grams, this is Winter, not Karen" and it really scared her. She got VERY upset and thought I was trying to trick her. What I do now when she does that is just go along with it. What's really happening is she is regressing and she just wants to talk. I would suggest to not try to correct her if she mistakes you for someone else (unless her doctor tells you to). I've just found that when she is in that state of mind trying to reason with her will not work.
-We've found that she thinks that she has had conversations with someone that did not take place, like your mom. My Grams still has more good days than bad, so when she is having a good day we will bring it up to her. Most time she will say "I said that? I don't remember telling so and so about that....". The only time I or my mom checks up on things is with conversations with her Doctors. We need to know if what she THINKS was said was actually said. I hope that makes sense. We also call her at her medicine times to make sure she is taking the correct ones. She has a pill box, but we also like to call to remind her.
-Possibly talk to her doctor about prescribing her Aricept. That is the drug that she has been taking since the onslaught (about 1 year ago) and it has helped tremendously.
-Before this happened, she was living by herself in a duplex. Now she's been moved into a Seniors apartment complex. She can still cook and clean for herself, but there are nurses on site round the clock and inside the apartments there are alarm buttons in every room should there be trouble. Also, there is the added benefit of having so many people around. My Grams did not have any friends when she was living alone, now she has lots of ladies that she spends time with in the common areas. I am shocked because she normally does not like making friends, but it's a very positive turn around and I am very happy. Her friends do not let her sit in her apartment all day long feeling sorry for herself, which is exactly what she did before.
-I would suggest that you or someone you trust take over her money. My mom has complete financial control over my Grams' money. Grams was spending upwards to $150 a week at Goodwill (her favorite place) on JUNK. Then she would forget buying it and decide she did not need it. Where would she take it? Back to Goodwill. My Grams does not have a lot of money so my Mom stepped in and took control. She gives her a set amount of money each week and that's it.
-Really hold on to the good days. This disease never gets any better, so I treat every good day as if it may be the last. Try to get family members to call her, or if they live close, visit. Even if they may not be close. Now is the time to "bury the hatchet". I'm currently trying to do that with my sister. Grams helped raise us (Mom was a single parent) and she needs to spend time with her now.
-Most importantly, be patient with her & YOURSELF. My Grams will call me sometimes 7-8 times a day and tell me the same thing. I've had to go over to her house at 2:30am because she called me crying. She thought she lost the baby (me) and did not know where I was. I came over and showed her all of the pictures in her photo album of me growing up so prove to her that she did not lose me, I am right here, only I'm 27 now, not 2. It's very easy to get mad, so make sure that YOU have someone to talk to. My mom and I vent to each other all the time, you have to or you will go insane. Also, you know how I just said that sometimes she will call me 7-8 times a day? Sometimes.....I don't answer it, and I don't feel guilty about it. If you feel that you can't handle it when the phone rings, don't pick it up. You won't do anyone any good if you get mad at her for something she can't control (and you WILL get mad sometimes).
If you have any questions or just need to talk, I'll be here for you. This is one of the hardest things to go through. Lean on your friends and family, you'll need them. Good luck to you and your family.
-She will talk to me as if I am my mom or my Aunt. She will talk about people from 40 years ago and expect me to know who they are, because she thinks she is talking to one of her daughters. Once I tried to correct her "No Grams, this is Winter, not Karen" and it really scared her. She got VERY upset and thought I was trying to trick her. What I do now when she does that is just go along with it. What's really happening is she is regressing and she just wants to talk. I would suggest to not try to correct her if she mistakes you for someone else (unless her doctor tells you to). I've just found that when she is in that state of mind trying to reason with her will not work.
-We've found that she thinks that she has had conversations with someone that did not take place, like your mom. My Grams still has more good days than bad, so when she is having a good day we will bring it up to her. Most time she will say "I said that? I don't remember telling so and so about that....". The only time I or my mom checks up on things is with conversations with her Doctors. We need to know if what she THINKS was said was actually said. I hope that makes sense. We also call her at her medicine times to make sure she is taking the correct ones. She has a pill box, but we also like to call to remind her.
-Possibly talk to her doctor about prescribing her Aricept. That is the drug that she has been taking since the onslaught (about 1 year ago) and it has helped tremendously.
-Before this happened, she was living by herself in a duplex. Now she's been moved into a Seniors apartment complex. She can still cook and clean for herself, but there are nurses on site round the clock and inside the apartments there are alarm buttons in every room should there be trouble. Also, there is the added benefit of having so many people around. My Grams did not have any friends when she was living alone, now she has lots of ladies that she spends time with in the common areas. I am shocked because she normally does not like making friends, but it's a very positive turn around and I am very happy. Her friends do not let her sit in her apartment all day long feeling sorry for herself, which is exactly what she did before.
-I would suggest that you or someone you trust take over her money. My mom has complete financial control over my Grams' money. Grams was spending upwards to $150 a week at Goodwill (her favorite place) on JUNK. Then she would forget buying it and decide she did not need it. Where would she take it? Back to Goodwill. My Grams does not have a lot of money so my Mom stepped in and took control. She gives her a set amount of money each week and that's it.
-Really hold on to the good days. This disease never gets any better, so I treat every good day as if it may be the last. Try to get family members to call her, or if they live close, visit. Even if they may not be close. Now is the time to "bury the hatchet". I'm currently trying to do that with my sister. Grams helped raise us (Mom was a single parent) and she needs to spend time with her now.
-Most importantly, be patient with her & YOURSELF. My Grams will call me sometimes 7-8 times a day and tell me the same thing. I've had to go over to her house at 2:30am because she called me crying. She thought she lost the baby (me) and did not know where I was. I came over and showed her all of the pictures in her photo album of me growing up so prove to her that she did not lose me, I am right here, only I'm 27 now, not 2. It's very easy to get mad, so make sure that YOU have someone to talk to. My mom and I vent to each other all the time, you have to or you will go insane. Also, you know how I just said that sometimes she will call me 7-8 times a day? Sometimes.....I don't answer it, and I don't feel guilty about it. If you feel that you can't handle it when the phone rings, don't pick it up. You won't do anyone any good if you get mad at her for something she can't control (and you WILL get mad sometimes).
If you have any questions or just need to talk, I'll be here for you. This is one of the hardest things to go through. Lean on your friends and family, you'll need them. Good luck to you and your family.
NZminilops
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry about this Peg, I know how hard it is. My great grandma has alzheimers prety bad, she's in a nursing home.
My entire life is gone from her memory. All the times I spent with her all my life, just gone. Only once or twice has she had a vague recollection that I am related to her. But mostly she tells me to get lost ( well to f-off) and that's about it.
She thinks everyone is stealing her stuff, that her husband (who died many, many years ago) has run off with some woman. She sees him on the TV she says and that he taunts her.
She thinks she's still in Scotland most of the time, though she moved here about 1960.
Her conversations are all rambling and make no sense at all.
She seemed to change to quickly too, just a year ago she was her normal self, just starting to do that repeating conversations thing.
:?
Big hugs to you :hug:
My entire life is gone from her memory. All the times I spent with her all my life, just gone. Only once or twice has she had a vague recollection that I am related to her. But mostly she tells me to get lost ( well to f-off) and that's about it.
She thinks everyone is stealing her stuff, that her husband (who died many, many years ago) has run off with some woman. She sees him on the TV she says and that he taunts her.
She thinks she's still in Scotland most of the time, though she moved here about 1960.
Her conversations are all rambling and make no sense at all.
She seemed to change to quickly too, just a year ago she was her normal self, just starting to do that repeating conversations thing.
:?
Big hugs to you :hug:
NorthernAutumn
Autumn - Administrator
I can't really add much new information to the conversation... would be better to talk w my mom If you like, she would talk with you. I'll give you her number if you like...
She went through all of this with my grandmother (parkinsons alzhimers addictive personality combo), until her death.
RexyRex covered everything I was going to say
.
Only other thing would be that an assisted living situation would probably be best. I would be most concerned about her leaving the stove on. Everything else is pretty secondary, and precautions taken for falls, etc.. If there was a residence where she had her meals prepared for her, and microwave in room, that's one major safety hazard gone.
Autumn
She went through all of this with my grandmother (parkinsons alzhimers addictive personality combo), until her death.
RexyRex covered everything I was going to say
.Only other thing would be that an assisted living situation would probably be best. I would be most concerned about her leaving the stove on. Everything else is pretty secondary, and precautions taken for falls, etc.. If there was a residence where she had her meals prepared for her, and microwave in room, that's one major safety hazard gone.
Autumn
seniorcats
Well-Known Member
Hi Peg, I am so sorry this is happening. My mother died in a nursing home that specialized in Alzheimer's care. Prior to that, she was in assisted living for 5 years.
Some things to add to what has been said. The Power of Attorney is really important. The sooner one is obtained, the better. Her medical professionals may not speak to any close unless you have POA or their HIPAA privacy papers signed. To be on the safe side, your mom should sign HIPAA forms at her doctors stating they can contact you and your uncle.
It certainly sounds like dementia/Alzheimer's. However, it could be something else like a sevrely restricted cardiac output (little blood flow), mini-strokes, even a very underactive thyroid. All can cause dementia-like symptoms. She really needs to be checked by her doctor and given blood work. Aricept is usually the drug of choice for dentia//Alzheimers and it really does help. It may be used in combination with other drugs.
WhenI was a research and assessment supervisor for the state (Job and Family Services), one of my program areas was Medicaid long term care. I can tell you how it works in Ohio. It is a federal program, so many things are the same state to state. However, the law often providesdifferent options and the individual states can choose the option that they like best.
Here is a very helpful link to the policy manual on long term care for Maine. http://www.mejp.org/medicaid.htm
http://www.mejp.org/medicalprograms.htm
http://www.maine.gov/sos/cec/rules/10/ch332.htm The actual manual of rules
An application for Medicaid woud need to be filed with the County Dept. of Health and Human Service. They can advise on resource limits and budgeting. In Ohio, life ins cash value is counted toward the limit. An irrevocable burial account, no matter the amount is exempt from the resource total. Any income the person receives is paid to the nursing home each month minus a small amount the client retains as a personal allowance for things like clothes, hair cuts, etc. The NH provides all meals, geri pad, bedding , furniture, non-prescriotion meds, etc. The Medicaid card covers the NH monthly cost, doctors, hospital and prescriotions.
A nursing home level of care is required. This means, her docotrs fill in a form providedby the county that lists her medical ailments, medications, physical and mental limitations. Some one with the state or a contracted sevice, reviews the medical information and history and assigns a level of care. There are multiple levels - skilled nursing home (NH), regular level NH, alternate assignment, no need, etc. If she is as bad as you have written, she would not doubt be assigned a nursing home level of care.
I wouldn't do anything with her resources until you have actually talked to the county dhhs unless you can find an attorney who really knows the public policy. We've had attorneys in Ohio advise their clients to hide assests. Not a good idea since all dhhs's get IRS wage, pension and resource matches. Just be careful in choosing an attorney as there are some real Dewey, Cheetum and Howe's out there.
It might be a good idea to start keeping track of her spending - receipts if possible, just in case it's needed. Definitely keep a record if her car is junked although for Medicaid, one vehicle is usually exempted from a resource limit. If she has resources in excess of the Medicaid limit, she can always a month or 2 or 3, etc of private nursing home care to reduce the assets.It might be a good idea to spend some money on things she would in the nursing home like clothing, night gowns, slippers, etc. The county may also suggest looking into a prepaid irrevocable burial account.
Ok, I'm probably starting to ramble a bit (have had the flu). I will take a look at the online manual I listed above tomorrow and seehow much it's like Ohio's policy.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Some things to add to what has been said. The Power of Attorney is really important. The sooner one is obtained, the better. Her medical professionals may not speak to any close unless you have POA or their HIPAA privacy papers signed. To be on the safe side, your mom should sign HIPAA forms at her doctors stating they can contact you and your uncle.
It certainly sounds like dementia/Alzheimer's. However, it could be something else like a sevrely restricted cardiac output (little blood flow), mini-strokes, even a very underactive thyroid. All can cause dementia-like symptoms. She really needs to be checked by her doctor and given blood work. Aricept is usually the drug of choice for dentia//Alzheimers and it really does help. It may be used in combination with other drugs.
WhenI was a research and assessment supervisor for the state (Job and Family Services), one of my program areas was Medicaid long term care. I can tell you how it works in Ohio. It is a federal program, so many things are the same state to state. However, the law often providesdifferent options and the individual states can choose the option that they like best.
Here is a very helpful link to the policy manual on long term care for Maine. http://www.mejp.org/medicaid.htm
http://www.mejp.org/medicalprograms.htm
http://www.maine.gov/sos/cec/rules/10/ch332.htm The actual manual of rules
An application for Medicaid woud need to be filed with the County Dept. of Health and Human Service. They can advise on resource limits and budgeting. In Ohio, life ins cash value is counted toward the limit. An irrevocable burial account, no matter the amount is exempt from the resource total. Any income the person receives is paid to the nursing home each month minus a small amount the client retains as a personal allowance for things like clothes, hair cuts, etc. The NH provides all meals, geri pad, bedding , furniture, non-prescriotion meds, etc. The Medicaid card covers the NH monthly cost, doctors, hospital and prescriotions.
A nursing home level of care is required. This means, her docotrs fill in a form providedby the county that lists her medical ailments, medications, physical and mental limitations. Some one with the state or a contracted sevice, reviews the medical information and history and assigns a level of care. There are multiple levels - skilled nursing home (NH), regular level NH, alternate assignment, no need, etc. If she is as bad as you have written, she would not doubt be assigned a nursing home level of care.
I wouldn't do anything with her resources until you have actually talked to the county dhhs unless you can find an attorney who really knows the public policy. We've had attorneys in Ohio advise their clients to hide assests. Not a good idea since all dhhs's get IRS wage, pension and resource matches. Just be careful in choosing an attorney as there are some real Dewey, Cheetum and Howe's out there.
It might be a good idea to start keeping track of her spending - receipts if possible, just in case it's needed. Definitely keep a record if her car is junked although for Medicaid, one vehicle is usually exempted from a resource limit. If she has resources in excess of the Medicaid limit, she can always a month or 2 or 3, etc of private nursing home care to reduce the assets.It might be a good idea to spend some money on things she would in the nursing home like clothing, night gowns, slippers, etc. The county may also suggest looking into a prepaid irrevocable burial account.
Ok, I'm probably starting to ramble a bit (have had the flu). I will take a look at the online manual I listed above tomorrow and seehow much it's like Ohio's policy.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
