Friendship 'Drama'

[mouse_chalk]

I hate this sort of drama, it's the worst kind!

I have this big group of friends, about 15 of us? Roughly half girls, and half guys... There's one girl, who I guess I'm supposed to be close friends with, but I don't consider myself as. She's rude, selfish, and constantly talks down to me. She says rude or spiteful things under the guise of just making fun, but it's hurtful and rude. She also takes advantage of people, getting them to do things for her all the time, like lend her money etc, but never does anything in return.

An example: this weekend she invited everyone to a BBQ round her house, that she shares with another of our friends. Then, she asked another friend to borrow her BBQ (after she'd invited everyone!) because she doesn't have one. Then, on the day of the BBQ, she told her housemate (a better friend of mine) that she was going to be the one to collect the BBQ, as she can't drive, and it was all of a 10 minute walk down the road (it's a tiny thing, and has wheels!). She's also been 'meeting up' with this guy, even though she knows he has a girlfriend already, and she told everyone she couldn't believe he was willing to cheat on his girlfriend so easily, and she wanted nothing to do with him. I could go on, but that's just a couple of examples...

Anyway, her housemate is about fed up of it all, and wants to move out and get a place of her own, she doesn't even feel comfortable being in her own home at the moment. And they got into this argument over email today, with my friend telling her that she's selfish, and takes advantage of people, etc etc, and my other friend just having a go back and denying everything.... It got quite nasty, and at the end of it my friend told her she was moving out ASAP and staying with friends (me probably, along with another friend) in the meantime.

Meanwhile, this 'friend' of mine sent everybody in our group a message on Facebook saying that she's been told she's not been very nice recently, and doesn't like people talking about her behind her back and would rather know about it. She said 'I wont get mad, I just want a chance to defend myself without everyone talking about me behind my back when I don't know'. It bascically came across as a pre-emptive strike to make my other friend look bad in a 'oh, she's made me out to be so evil, please tell me I'm not really like that!I would never want to upset people!' kind of way....

So due to her making my friend look bad (and gosh this is hard to do without typing their names lol!), I replied to the message. I felt like I should stick up for myself for once. Here's what I said:

I wasn't going to reply to this, but I just want to say, that yeah there have been quite a lot of times where I've had problems with you, and the way you have spoken to me. I haven't said anything to you, maybe because I'm just not a fan of confrontations and you don't make yourself very approachable to these things, or whatever, and I'm not going to go into individual examples here, because I don't think it's really the most appropriate way of bringing it up. Also, I'm not sure if you've done this just as a bit of a pre-emptive strike, becuase you've had an argument with someone!

It's how I feel, she has been awful to me at times, calling me fat, asking to borrow money when she was already out and therefore I couldn't say no or she wouldn't have been able to go, she didn't once ask how I was after all my surgery, offered no support when I moved house and instead organised everyone round to her house to help set up a party, even though I've helped her move countless times, etc etc. I wont go into all of it, there's just too much!

So, I sent that, and it was a big deal for me, I never ever get into any kind of confrontation, I avoid it at all costs. And my friend did see the messge beforehand and agreed it was ok to send. But now, they've made up!!! She's still moving out, but she doesn't need to stay at mine or a friend's house, and they've calmed down and it all seems ok for now....

So now I've gone and got myself involved, everyone knows I have, and there's going to be an atmosphere with me and this girl. I know, it all sounds so childish? I feel like I'm back at school! I just have a strange feeling this is all going to backfire on me and I feel really stupid.... This is why I just always stay quiet lol, why do I get these 'bursts' every now and then and stand up for myself?! Silly me!

:rant:
AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!! Sorry for the rant, just had to get that all off my chest!!

Jen xx

 

[Luvmyzoocrew]

here is how i see it,lol, If you are not friends then why even bother defending yourself to her,lol? This one is kind of hard for me cause I usually have a few friends here and there but never a group of friends, I hate all the drama that comes along cause this one doesnt like this one, and they all dont like that one, so i have always advoided a bunch of friends at one time. Although that way doesnt always keep you out of trouble. I would not defend myself to the friend that you dont particularly like, if she is the way you say it wont be too long till she is out of the click cause people are only going to put up with her for so long before they tell her good bye.

Defintely dont get into specifics with her because i dont think it is about that and she doesnt need to know the specifics. But maybe if she does want to talk about it then put what you dont like out there , and if she likes it then fine and if not, what are you going to do you cant change the way you feel.

What i dont understand is how do you invite people to a BBQ when you dont have a BBQ? That is like inviting people to a pool party when you dont have a pool :laugh: She can only boss people around if there are people to boss around. I hope you are able to advoid a whole big drama thing between her and the rest of your friends.

 

[GoinBackToCali]

Uh.. your nicer than I would have been..

I don't really see where what you said was a problem, you spoke about what she does to you. the things she says to you, and the inconsideration she has for you..you did not take up for someone else, nor mention anyone else at all. So the way I see it, she asked for it, you delivered it, and if she has a problem with anything you said..then she may seriously want to re-examine herself.

We tell our kids *If we don't know about a problem we can't fix it..*

Well now she knows about it.. so she needs to fix it.

You stood up for yourself.. well done! Don't second guess yourself! You have a right to be treated with respect.

Z

 

[pinksalamander]

I know exactly how you feel! Although i had a problem with a friend of mine who was actually a very close friend. He was one of those very clever, very bitchy, very quick-witted people. He'd contest to anything i'd say and even the smallest little thing would blow up into an argument (Him: they didn't say 'please mind the gap' on this train announcement, Me: they don't say that on this train service, Him: Yes they do i've heard it, Me: no they don't... etc etc. Then at the end of all of that he'd go 'this is so petty i can't believe we're arguing about it your so pathetic, and make me look stupid for sticking up for myself!)

Personally, can't you just forget about your friend? If there are alot of you in one group, do you even have to talk to her? Can you just say to her, i don't want to be friends with you, but can we just be civil for our other friends?

Fran :hearts :brownbunny

 

[NorthernAutumn]

Good on you, girl!

That was firm , frank and friendly, as my mom would say. You didn't make yourself look bad at all there. If she's smart, she'll slink away when you're around.

I've had a nasty "pal" or two like that. The sad thing is that they don't recognize that they are manipulative blankity-blanks. Do not waste your energy on them; they are toxic people who are draining you of all energy and resources. THere is not benefit to you, and you certainly don't owe them anything.

What your entire circle of friends has just figured out is that you are a leader who will not let anyone tromp on the people you love. They also just learned that you will not sit back and take anyone's crap. Maybe some folks won't like that... too bad, they are either spineless pushovers, or they are manipulators themselves.

There are friends not worth having!

 

[Wabbitdad12]

Good for you for standing up for yourself!, if you can be at least civil to her. She definetly knows you have her figured out so you probably won't have to worry about any more loaning of money to her or helping her.

With someone like her I would give the appearance of making up just so she wouldn't mess with my stuff while I moved out.

Its easier to say then do a lot of times, but don't waste too much thought on what she thinks etc. I am sure your friends haveher figured out as well, but may not have been up tospeaking their mind toher.

 

[Bo B Bunny]

I hate most people.

I have a similar person that does this same sort of thing all the time....... and it's family. :X

 

[Luvmyzoocrew]

Bo B Bunny wrote:

I hate most people.

I have a similar person that does this same sort of thing all the time....... and it's family. :X

I knew I liked you for a reason,lol :biggrin2: I am with you on that one,lol

 

[Bo B Bunny]

Bunny people tend to be cool..... other people tend to be competing all the time in some form or another. For some reason - at least with the people I have met - bunny people have huge hearts.

 

[mouse_chalk]

Thanks guys!! You all made me feel a lot better!!

Luvmyzoocrew, I nearly DIED laughing at your comment! That's exactly what we all said! The thing is, she just assumes that people will do these things for her... And my friend said why didn't she just buy a cheap one for £10 or something, but she said she didn't have any money. Yet she could still afford to go out drinking 2 nights in a row? So my friend was according to her perfectly able to say no, but she would have looked bad if she did...

It's gone a bit further since I replied, one of my friends did too, because he wanted to stick up for me, and then I found out that the friend who had to lend the BBQ sent her a message privately. It basically said how she doesnt treat her housemate with any respect, how she knows that she's always saying things to upset me, how she doesnt seem to be acting with any integrity, or self respect (or respect for other people's feelings) over this guy who has a girlfriend... and she mentioned about the BBQ situation lol!

Another close friend, who lives with another of my friends had a go at her today as well. His housemate is really close with the 'bad friend'. He came home from a weekend away, to find his laptop, that he had hidden in his drawer and password protected, had been hacked into! He could see in the history that both his housemate and the bad friend had visited their Facebook profiles, and their email etc. They'd actually worked out his password! He's not an angry person normally but he was unbelievably mad when I spoke to him earlier...

I dont know what will come of the situation, seems like his housemate and the 'bad friend' will move in together, as he want to get a place of his own too.

She replied to my message with a big long spiel about how she never meant to upset me, and she didnt realise she was unapproacahble, and I should always feel able to talk to her etc, but I just see straight through her. I'm going to carry on what I was previously doing and be civil and polite but not invest any energy in her. She's just not worth it! I said to someone earlier, either she doesn't know that what she's saying is wrong/rude/offensive, which makes her very stupid and just not a very nice person, or she does realise that what she says is wrong, which makes her not a very nice person anyway! Also, she only ever says it to the weaker people, that wont stand up for themselves, like me. I'm just sick of her!

Woah, off I went again lol!

But thanks guys, you made me feel better that I hadn't done something so wrong by standing up to her. I am just so unlikely to do that, I'm so quiet normally and just let these things pass, but every now and then something will push me to the limit and I'll say something. But then I worry that maybe I shouldn't have lol....

Jen xx