jordiwes
Well-Known Member
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the worditself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words -"mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that'swhy so is mankind.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash isthey don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff,then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "Whatwas THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I'vewondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I wentto the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have beenpainted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can makea child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makepeople happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calmmyself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I'veleft on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side ofits head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lotbetter, and no harm done.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybeyou'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,free dummy.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell himis "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cutething to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to takemy little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an oldburned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." Hecried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a prettygood joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it wasgetting pretty late.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my firstinstinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and shefell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friendsare all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend youwere swimming.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because thenpeople would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because Ihate that song.
Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, "Hey,how's it going?" So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his headand said "Now who's asking the questions?"
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew whatwas coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team,aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. Youmade that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and yourhelmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then eithersteal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try totackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true, what he wassaying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of thisCoach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he canmold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
