Dealing with anger issues, help?

[NZminilops]

I don't want to go into any great detail right now, but there is someone in my life who has anger issues and I am struggling to deal with it.

They are the sort of person who flies off the handle at strange things, such as walking past them or turning on the light or making a noise when they are playing video games, and I get yelled at about being an annoying/distracting so and so, and get sworn at and told to leave the room. Some of the comments that are being yelled at me are incredibly hurtful, and damaging my self esteem. That all I do is ruin everything, I'm useless and annoying, etc etc.

Yet they don't get angry at things that would make me angry, or things that make other people angry (such as crashing a vehicle - this person LAUGHED last time they did this!).

Them getting angry at me, is making me passivly angry at them, and that's not a good situation to be in. I'm starting to plot ways in my head to get back at them, and I don't want to be doing that.

By the time the anger blows over with them, I've bottled all mine in to keep the peace, and I'm sitting there stewing waiting for an apology that never comes. Yesterday I tried to stand up for myself and I demanded an apology, that when it finally arrived, was so false that i just got madder. Eventually thought they do offer an explantion and a "I didn't mean anything I just said".


Anyone have any tips for diffusing someone else when they are angry, and how I can turn my passive aggressiveness into something that can help us not do this stupid sort of thing again?

Michelle :?

 

[ChandieLee]

Unfortunately, there is not much you may be able to do to diffuse their anger. That person has to realize that they have an anger issue and want to get help for it. I was in very unhealthy relationship with someone who had an anger issue on top of schizophrenia (sp?) and it took me forever to realize that he didn't want help, soI had to do what was best for me and leave. Is it at all possible for you to get out of that situation? It may be hard, you know, depending on your situation, but you should probably do what's good for you. I'm very sorry you are going through this and keep in mind that it's not your fault. :hug:

 

[Bo B Bunny]

You need to have a talk and discuss WHY this is so annoying. You cannot walk on eggshells and be quiet because someone else is playing a game.... I mean, sometimes ok, but life goes on regardless of video games or whatever.

If you can talk it out that's great.... otherwise it's going to end up a huge fight eventually when you have had enough!

My husband annoys the critters out of me but I ignore it mostly - I annoy him also but he complains or gets hateful. I have had to learn coping with it - but there are times that it's just not possible..... I still blow and it's not healthy.

 

[EileenH]

Hi Michelle;

Anger issues areso difficult. I have a very hot temper, but I am aware of it. I have tried for years to be better, and though I know I'm better, when something P's me off, I always seem to revert to my old ways. I am very concious of it though, and always striving to keep it in check.

But that's me, acknowleding it myself. Like everything else, the only person who can changeis themself. You can't change the other person. I know someone who is out of control with anger, and has no intentions of acknowledging that it is their problem. It is always everybody elses's fault. It's an escalating situation, people have talked to her and she always flips out and blames everybody else.

If you would ask me, I think the best thing you can do when this person reacts..and it will be hard, is not to react at all. Remember... it is THEiR problem. They have to come to terms with it.

When your friend is not in an angry mood, would they be open to discussing it? Just by saying that you care about them, and want to help them. I bought this book a few years back, and it was very thought provoking. It is written primarily for men who abuse their wives, but still hits home for anyone with anger issues.

If your friend isn't open to changing, there is not much you can do, except try not to react. You can't fight fire with fire. I don't know who this person is in your life, and I wish I had something else to say to help you.

I also looked at this one a lot, even though it seems to be for kids, it was still helpful.
You can also look around in your area to see if there are any anger support groups. In my area, there are none so I am stuck doing all my own research.

Good luck, and *hugs* to you - you're a good friend.

 

[gentle giants]

I am not disagreeing with what everyone else has said, but from what you are saying I think this is more than just a "bad temper". I am betting this person may have some sort of disorder, such as manic depression, etc. ( I'm no expert, by any means, I'm just guessing.) I have dealt with severe depression for a large portion of my life, and lashing out in anger at unreasonable times is one of the symptoms.

:hug:to you, Michelle. If this person is not willing to get help, please do whatever you can to get away from them. Because they will drag you down with them if not. Trust me, I know.

 

[ChandieLee]

:yeahthat:

Both me and my mom have been diagnosed with depression, and of course we've always associated depression with sadness, but with that sadness can also come anger. Sometimes it seems that we both get angry for no apparent reason and we lash out at eachother. And then we both realize we need to take a break.

Would it be possible to talk to this person about their anger issues and maybe getting help without them lashing out on you?

 

[NZminilops]

I've been having a long think about all your replies, and appreciate them so much.

This angry person is my partner, so it's a bit hard to just up and get away from them at times.

He has been through a lot of depression in the last few years. We have a lot of money issues. He recently had 6 weeks off work, because he has a herniated disc in his lower spine and sciatica from that, so he's been in a lot of pain for a long time. He's frustrated at his body, he feels like he's been cut down in the prime of his life and that he wont ever return to a normal fit and healthy state. And now that he has returned to work it's with reduced hours.

Some weeks we only have enough to pay the rent, then we have to use the creditcard for the rest :?. I just got made redundant from a crap job working nights stocking shelves too, so it just seems to be getting worse and worse.

We had a long talk last night and he got a lot of things off his chest, and I got a lot of things said to. I've let him know that it's not ok to talk to me like that, as it's verbal abuse, and if it happens again I'm getting my shoes on and walking to the nearest relatives house and not coming back until I get an apology, at the very least.

I think Mathew is a wonderful partner, and I want to help him with this issue, so I'm not going to get all freaked out about it and yell at him that he's abusing me or anything, and I'm not going to walk out the door and leave him in the lurch, but I will see what I can do about finding him some help with dealing with his own feelings.

 

[EileenH]

I know money is tight, but it might be worth it to look at the Anger Busting workbook I had the link for. Matthew sounds as if he is at least open to acknowledging his feelings, which means a lot. The workbook was very helpful for me; they have exercises that you do to figure out what pushes your buttons, and just a bunch of stuff so that he might not feel so alone.

Communication is the biggest key here; if you can keep him talking, and not letting it build up inside (both of you), that's huge.

Good luck and we're here if you need us..but you know that.:hearts

 

[Bo B Bunny]

Men are weird anyhow, Michelle! but yeah, he's going through some things so you both sort of need to talk I think.

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

I'm putting myself out on a branch here.

I think part of it is Mat is not only obsessed with the video games (possibly to get his mind off his problems at work and working out), but he must win. He thinks you interfere with that because you go on with normal life. I think he thinks he needs to have some sort of succeed, albiet, a game, to feel like he's worth something, which has nothing to do with you, per say (But he takes it out on the closest person to him, that is normal for someone thathasemotional issues). It has to do with succeeding at something. Feeling that adrenaline. I don't know. I'm just taking a gander.

I wish the best for you guys and I hope you can get it worked out, you do not deserve to be treated disrespectfully at any rate as a human being, no matter what his issues are. He might need to seek counseling, but I know how guys are about that. Rob doesn't believe in them at all, so if we were in dyer(sp?) need, it wouldn't happen.

 

[NZminilops]

You're totally right Crystal, and you know the situation probably better than myself, from all the time I let rants out on your poor self .

Mat does have a strong need to come first, to win, he's really competative, and right now he thinks it's the only thing he has going for himself, that it's the only thing he has to work on and look forward to.

So we've had another long talk this afternoon, and things are, I feel, improving. At least we are getting our emotions out in a contructive way . We are playing music and chilling and he's singing and smiling and we are both feeling great.

 

[Bo B Bunny]

Crystal is very insightful with that. It makes perfect sense. Whenever someone is so "angry" for no real reason (at least one that's obvious) .. something is going on somewhere and they are just taking the anger out on the closest thing..... which is you!

I'm so glad you have talked and things are better.

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

Bo B Bunny wrote:

Crystal is very insightful with that. It makes perfect sense.

Thanks, Bo! It does make sense if you've been there! Not that it makes it fun , it's not! It's heartache.

Chelle, I wish the best for you guys!

 

[GoinBackToCali]

I was going to go work outside, and I was kinda avoiding this thread to be honest with you. But I feel I need to say a few things.

For the most part you all know most of what goes on in my life, but my mother raised me that you don't tell all of your "bidness",, so you all don't get to be privy to my innermost workings.. so what I am about to say might come as somewhat as a surprise to you all.

I have been married for 17 years, 18 years together. When things are good they are very good, when they are bad, which more often than not, they are, they are very bad.

My husband is never happy, he is always complaining, moody, up, down, nothing is ever good enough. His moods are like a light switch.. we walk on egg shells.

Most days I just stay away from him, as he works alot, and I have my own interests. We went the route of meds, and therapy.. the meds only work if he takes them.. and he was of the opinion that *I don't have a problem.. everybody else has a problem*

He has to want to be better...

The day Jarred died... we had passes to go see Iron Man.. Blake and I wanted to take Jarred with us.. since we already had our passes, Rick complained.. and to keep the peace, since one little incident could send him in a tailspin, and we would all pay dearly all weekend if we displeased him, I just said "OK" and didn't put up a fight..

Jarred ended up going to the river and drowned.

I blame Rick.. I blame me..

I know Rick didn't push him in the water..but had I been a stronger person, and he had a keener grasp on what it's like to be a functioning member of society.. things might be different.

I can't stand to have that man touch me, be near me, or even address me.. just to hear him breath makes me want to vomit.

It's been almost 2 months.. we are now separated. Yes I am single..YES!!!! The day I made the decision.. Rick had pushed me to the point that I actually contemplated putting a 9MM in my mouth. For those of you that know me personally, you know what a happy person I am, and how keen I am on self preservation. What stopped me was Blake and my Bunnies... I know that sounds terrible Christian isn't in the mix..but Christian and I just aren't close, and most days, Christian acts as if he could care less if the rest of us live or die.

It's like this huge burden has been lifted off me...and my kids..

What pushed me to the point of separation was Greg.. Ty's Daddy..

No I am not in love with him.. no, I don't want him... but the man comes over here.. lends a hand without being asked. Gets a job done pronto. Things go wrong, He cusses once, and fixes it. End of story. Ty does something wrong, he corrects him, and goes on, he doesn't ride his ass for the next 3 days..

I didn't know men acted like that..I didn't know men could be so... normal..

I want that.. I don't necessarily want another man.. ever.. but when and if I do.. I now know they aren't all dysfunctional.

I realize this is all pretty extreme, but the point I am getting across is... I thought I could fix it, I thought I could fix him.. for 18 years.. and you just gotta ask yourself.. do you wanna be 35.. 2 kids.. saggy butt, and miserable.. wondering where your life went?

I just woke up one day and realized that I either have to poop or get off the pot..

I am gonna leave you with a quote from a movie that Peg remind me of... from You Got Mail..

*Is there someone else?*

*No.. but there is the dream of someone else.*

In my case.. there is the dream of someone else.. who is normal.. and maybe that *someone* is just normalcy in itself, and not anyone in particular.

I will be thinking of you..

Z

 

[NZminilops]

Wow...thank you, that is a lot to take in and think about, my god, I don't know if I would restrain myself from strangling someone if I went through what you have been through.

This "My husband is never happy, he is always complaining, moody, up, down, nothing is ever good enough. His moods are like a light switch.. we walk on egg shells." And: "Rick complained.. and to keep the peace, since one little incident could send him in a tailspin, and we would all pay dearly all weekend if we displeased him"

...in a way, are familiar. There have been times where we haven't done something, or gone somewhere, that I have wanted to go, or included someone that I wanted around, and I just went along with what he wanted to please him. Over the last few years though we've both been making changes to this sort of thing, because, I don't want things to end up that bad between us.

Alot of that is not because he's bossing me around, but I have such a great need for peace and to please everyone around me, that I put myself asside all the time for other people. It's odd because I wont ever do that with anyone I know online! If I'm p'od at them, boy do they hear about it. But in my home life, just called me Doormat Michelle and be done with it.


When you come on here with a problem about someone, it starts to look like that they are horrible, and I really don't think Mathew is horrible. When he comes home from work, or norm is to greet with a hug hug'n'kiss and then sit down on the couch together talking, being close, laughing and sharing our day together. He seeks me out if I leave the room for more than 30 minutes, wondering what I'm up to, and we really enjoy eachothers company a lot. We aren't the sort of couple where the man is always coming home late from work, or spends all weekend away from the house hanging out with his mates.

He is pretty good about the rabbits and my cat, he's not at all an animal person. That was also something we had to work on, because for quite some time he was really intolerant.

There is lots of stuff I do, that if he liked forums I bet he'd be ranting and raving about me .

I really appreciate everyones input and it has given me a lot to think about. I know I can't change someone and they can only change themselves, but I want us to stick this out and if I can help him, I will. I'm a strong believer that I should give things a long go before giving up on them.

 

[GoinBackToCali]

I totally understand..

Rick has his good points as well..

But for me..the bad outweighed the good.

I was in no way ever saying *You must leave him, it's not worth it.*



I just wanted you to have the point of view from someone older, who's spent most of her adult life going through it, and how I dealt with it, so perhaps you can learn from my errors..

I wish you well love..

Z

 

[AngelnSnuffy]

GoinBackToCali wrote:

I was in no way ever saying *You must leave him, it's not worth it.*


Z

Zin, your post didn't come across that way from my perspective at all. I totally got where you were going with it.

Not to hijack, but I just want to say that I am sorry you had to live this way for so long, it's so unfair. I also want to say how happy I am for you now, it sounds like it's where you want to be, and that's great, you totally deserve it.:hug: