Arguments with Mum

[pinksalamander]

Feel free not to read if you cannot hold concentration... its going to be a long one.

I just had a huge row with my Mum and I need some advice.

As usual the argument started out as something small and escalated and brought up al sorts of other feelings.

So I'm taking my driving test in a few weeks and I'm sure I'll fail. Its not a big thing, its not a huge 'woe is me, I shall never succeed' thing, I just know I'm not ready for my test, and that I make a lot of silly mistakes that I need to work on/ I considered postponing my test another month, but my driving instructor said I may as well just take it, and then I will know for definite the things I always get wrong so we can work exclusively on those. I will also know how I work under pressure as there may be things I always do right in lessons but when in my test I do wrong.

So I went out with my Mum and we were gonna practise some stuff. We started talking about it and I said how I know I'm going to fail, and I'm treating this as a sort of 'practice test'. Obviously I still need to practice lots but I know I'm not ready for it so I'll just see how it goes and then I will know what I need to get better at. She immediately got really angry saying I was being stupid and negative. When I tell people I'm going to fail they say I'm being negative about it and 'with that frame of mind you're not going anywhere' but its not like that. I'm probably more relaxed than most because I'm not expecting anything from it. Its almost like a mock test for me.

Well anyway she started screaming at me, and I was trying to defend herself. She was going on about all this stuff about how I'm pathetic and I should get my act together. Obviously no one likes to hear their parents talking about them this way and I got really upset, I was crying and all these things she was talking about were going through my head, I couldn't concentrate on the road (I was driving at this point I should mention). I was a bit delayed in slowing down for a car because I didn't exactly notice the brake lights of the car infront. I had to make an abrupt stop. This freaked me out a bit so as we drove on (she was still shouting at me) so I decided I would pull over. She immediatley screamed at me I was not going to pull over and screamed at me even more when I did. I stopped the car, got out and said could she drive me home because I wasn't in a state to drive, I didn't feel in control of the car, and that I'm only a new driver so it takes much more effort for me to concentrate on whats going on and I just wanted her to drive home. She refused. I went to open the passenger door but she held it closed. I stood by the door for a while waiting for her to let me in, but she didn't. I went and sat on a wall for 5 minutes until she eventually got out and let me in the passenger side. She then started shouting at me again in a really frustrated way. She basically snatched the keys off me and said how when we got home she was going to put the car online to sell as I was obviously an inconsiderate person who didn't deserve a car. She shouted at me all the way home. I just tried to tell her that I didn't feel ready etc but she was having none of it.

Basically the second part of the argument started then. She said that the fact that I wasn't ready was wrong. I said I couldn't understand how she 'knew' what I was feeling. She kept going on saying 'I know you are wrong etc'. I got really angry about the fact she seems to think she knows exactly what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. I understand she has more life experience but it still doesn't mean she knows what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. Often parents do know what is right for you, but not always. This is what really irritates me about her. She is always right because she is the 'adult'. I'm basically half a person in her eyes, and she sees me as incapable of knowing anything or ever being right about anything in my life because I'm 'just a silly little girl'.

I told her that I feel like this, about how I'm always wrong about everything and she just shrugged. She didn't say 'I don't think you are always wrong' or anything like that. So I can see my point is most probably correct.

I just don't know what to do. I try so hard to be a 'grown up'. I listen to her point of view and explain my reasons etc but she just acts like a child about it, saying she is going to sell the car or (often used in arguments) pack me off to my Dads house to live. Making empty threats is definitely not a grown up thing to do, and I never do it back to her. I never call her stupid. I never call her pathetic. I only say she is wrong if I have real proof to back her up.

Argh!!!!!!!

I just don't know what to do. I can't wait to get out of here so I don't have to talk to her anymore. I can't wait to go to university (I so hope I get in!)

Fran :hearts :brownbunny

 

[NorthernAutumn]

I'm sorry your Mom isn't being supportive, Fran...

I've read a couple of your posts about your mom/you relationship, so here goes...

My mother had a similar mom (my grandmother), who had a lot of personal issues that she took out on her children.
I think that your mom projects her own insecurities onto you, and knocks you down so she feels like she is in control. She probably doesn't even know why she says the things to you that she does.

University will be a relief, I'm sure. A bit of distance might help you feel a little less hurt by her actions, and will probably relieve the tension.

The one thing my mom does to people who are being irrational is say, "You are right". She then stops talking.
You know that you are the one who is right, in this scenario. I don't think your mom is able to admit to herself (or you) that she can be wrong. Not much point in continuing the conversation, I guess...

I am very thankful you pulled over, before an accident happened. It is very dangerous to have emotional conversations in the car... takes your focus off driving, and wrecks your concentration. Your mom should have recognized that, and should have supported you positively.

I am sure that you will be a great driver, and I'm glad you are practicing. I'm sorry that your mom is looking to pick fights right now... the transition of her baby to being a real adult with real thoughts of her own is obviously affecting her.
Hugs to you :hug:, and prayers for your mom to find some peace.

Autumn

 

[pinksalamander]

Thanks for your reply. I guess I did do the whole annoying teenager thing for a few years, but I'm sure I've got over that now. I did stomp around and slam doors, but surely she can grant the fact that I've grown out of that, and it isn't something she can hold against me?

I always feel like during arguments I try to stop them from escalating. I try to listen to what she has to say, ask her not to shout and talk calmly. If she doesn't adhere I usually calmly walk out of the room or something. She usually barges back in and says one last little thing as her way to 'win' the argument. I'm just trying to do the 'right' thing but I'm not getting any credit for it. I spend a lot of the time going 'please, just let me speak'.

It also annoys me how she seems to think that because I'm a child I do not have to deal with anything difficult. OK so I have it easier than her, but sometimes, I have a huge assignment or an important test to revise for. I come home and revise for hours on end. She comes home later and says things like 'the kitchen's really dirty, jeez, you've been at home all day while I've been at work. You could have done something'. I'm actually trying to secure my future, get good grades in school etc.... but according to her I've sat on my bum all day watching TV and playing on the computer...

I guess its a losing battle to be honest. I just can't wait to go to university. I'm a pretty in dependent person to be honest. I would happily live on my own if I could afford to do so. I only really rely on my Mum for financial aid, although I am trying to get away from that. I'm just so desperate to get into university so I can begin a life of ignoring her.

Fran :hearts :brownbunny

 

[Lover_Of_Lopz]

i am so sorry for you fran I know how you feel.:hug::hugsquish::hug2:But at least you have your bunnies:bunnieskiss

 

[Saffy]

I'm sure you will get on loads better with your Mum when you eventually do leave for Uni ...My elder daughter, Hannah, and I, are very like one another and tend to argue a lot ... I keep telling myself to distance myself from her and be a "Mum" rather than a friend, but it's very hard at times.

Do you have any brothers or sisters .. you don't say?

I think your Mum may be feeling the pressure of bringing you up in a one parent household, which many people in the same situation must feel. You feel like she is pushing you to be independant and go ahead and do things, whereas she feels like she is failing if you don't ... if you know what I mean? (I'm sorry, I do tend to ramble) (To be honest, all parents feel the pressure whether together or not)

Perhaps another conversation when you are both in a good and relaxed mood - not whlst driving .. heh .. which is stressful enough.

It'll be ok, I promise you ... I know it must be hard not to take the things she says to heart.

Let me tell you the best and easiest thing to go .. just make sure there are no pots in the sink and that the kitchen looks tidy ... My elder daughter is dreadful at washing the pots ... she either doesn't bother, or she does them, then leaves them to dry, and when I come in from work, that's not what i want to be faced with. Have the kettle on and take a break to have a natter with your Mum about your day ... cut your revision into half hour bites and take some time out yourself. The youngest, Hollie, is doing her As levels at the moment and does this, and it really keeps her stress levels down ... as does copious amounts of chocolate.

Once again .. I promise, you two will be fine, it's just this living in close proximity of one another .. you both have stresses .. and your Mum is finding it wierd that her little girl is growing up.

PM me if you need to ... I've got two girls, one who is 20 (21 n April) and one who is just 17.



Saffy xx

 

[pinksalamander]

No, I don't have any siblings, I'm an only child. Its only been me and her since I was 3. I'm not very good at relationships because of it. Lots of people think we would be so close just being the two of us but its the complete opposite. We aren't close at all. I often go days without talking to her because I leave at 8 am and she waits till I leave the house before she gets up, then she gets home at about 8, and either goes out with her friends or we have dinner. I eat dinner in my room and she eats hers watching TV or at her desk, I stay in my room until bed. I love my room, I'm lucky I have a laptop and TV in here so I don't have to spend time in the rest of the house.

I just feel like I can't wait to get out. We just had another driving related argument. She wants to sell my car again because I can't drive. She got really angry because I said I'm probably going to fail. I don't get it because I'm only expressing my feelings and surely she should be supporting me about them not shouting at me for having them.

I thought about leaving so many times, but I don't want to be one of those kids who sacrifices their education just to get away from their parents. I keep thinking to myself 'just one more year', presuming I get into university (which is looking doubtful at the moment).

I just feel like nothing I ever do is right. It seems like every little wrong thing I do gets picked up on, but every little right thing I do is just ignored. If I try to tidy the house I just get a 'you shoulda done it anyway, so I don't need to praise you a all'



Fran :hearts :brownbunny

 

[Saffy]

Ah Fran .. keep your chin up .. Has it always been like this with your Mum? (Am presuming you are 17/18 ish?)

 

[pinksalamander]

Yeah I guess its always been this way. When I was in primary school my Gran would pick me up from school and I'd stay there until about 7pm. I'd eat dinner there, then my Mum would pick me up and I'd go home and go to bed. We don't interact much. I guess its only recently since I've 'grown up' that I've actually noticed how childish she is sometimes.

And yeah I'll be 18 before the month is out

Fran :hearts :brownbunny

 

[CorkysMom]

Driving is a huge responsibility, she should be thrilled you are admitting and wanting more practice time and are able to admit you don't feel ready!

Good job on pulling over during that situation and just waiting it out, definately not good to drive when someone is yelling at you and you are upset!

Sounds pretty 'adult' to me!

 

[PepnFluff]

If you don't feel ready, you don't feel ready and with your mum saying your going to fail doesn't increase your confidence. I'm on my learners at the moment so we have the L plates, I could of been on my restricted (the one before your full) 7months ago and my mum's saying I'm lazy and that I need to stop relying on her to take me places (she doesn't take me anywhere) I don't feel ready to take it as I'm not confident around other cars...

Your relationship with your mum sounds very similar to mine, I'm not an only child but all my brothers left years ago. Everyone seems to think that me and her should be super close and get on great, but we don't really have a relationship at all. We don't really speak cept to ask what's for tea if she's home it's all very forced. I live mainly in my room too. I think when you go away It most probably will improve in the ways that when your together you will likely be able to have conversations but most probably never be super close. If you wana talk or whatever and whine about our mothers I think you have my hotmail address from facebook.

 

[Little Bay Poo]

I can relate to what you are going through. Parents are just regular people, and unfortunately some have had bad upbringings which tends to weaken their ability to relate appropriately with others. My mom had very abusive parents and as a result is stuck emotionally somewhere in adolescence. This has also caused her to continue the pattern of emotional abuse with me, my brother, and my father because she never learned how to connect with people in a healthy manner.

I've lost count of the number of times that I've been called stupid, idiot, no common sense, and implied that I was a failure. This was all part of her "rages" which could be set off by something as simple as me forgetting to ask a receptionist for her name when being dismissed for jury duty. I've sat through rages since elementary school...and I am not one to talk back. Sitting there quietly did not help, as she would go off into her own angry little world and two hours later I would still be listening to how stupid she thought I was.

These kinds of things are not issues with the children, so please don't blame yourself. I was a straight A student, was in all kinds of extracurricular activities, got a full scholarship to a university, never smoked, never did drugs, never had sex, never partied or got in trouble. Still, I was seen as a failure and nothing I ever did was good enough to gain either of my parent's respect.

I posted something similar to your post on another forum because I was having a lot of anxiety from being constantly yelled at. One of the members told me to check out a website that I found to be extremely helpful and a real turning point in my life. It may not be relevant to your situation, but on the off chance that it will be half as helpful to you as it was for me, I am going to post it here.

http://behavioralhealth.typepad.com/markhams_behavioral_healt/borderline_parenting/

Since I don't know your family situation please don't feel that I am diagnosing anything with the above link. It may not apply but I think that it is always worth taking a look at possible answers.


Robin