Massive guilt in hindsight

Mathew Tobiasz · Oct 14, 2024

I can't lie I signed up on this forum because of a massive amount of guilt over my rabbit dying and needing somewhere to go with it. Now that I'm here I almost feel more guilt realizing I should have been on this forum and actively learning.

The truth is I never wanted pets but my soon to be ex was always getting them and I l began to love them more than she did it seemed.

In this instance I begged her not to get the rabbit as she is irresponsible and I knew it wouldn't get the proper care. I saw right away so decided I'd take 100% responsibility for its daily care so I didn't have to be frustrated or in a gray area seeing half-assed box cleaning etc. Well she has became my favorite child. Sad for a 44 year old man w no kids but my marriage has isolated me living far from home. Fast forward, Minky, a rex, is six and a half years old when my wife walks in with a one-year-old puppy. First thing she says is I'm very sorry. Why? Because I begged her not to bring a dog home with the rest of our animals now being gone and the cat and rabbit being old in their age. Like all of the animals the cat was hers before she met me from a farm and I'm the one worrying about it being stressed. I told her the rabbit could die and they should be able to live out their retirement without a new dog in s small apt.

Well the rabbit was terrified and stressed and just started staying Motionless in her cage which we always left the doors open on. 3 days later I'm in the bedroom with her and she's suddenly not moving like I roll her over and she's blinking and she's got a little bit of movement but she won't pick herself back up.

In hindsight she must have had a stroke and should have been taken immediately to the hospital. The fact is I even had a woman who specializes in rabbits who was working that day. I think because of the stress and sadly my own anger at my wife I did not react quickly enough and thought maybe the rabbits in shock. I knew she needed to go to the vet but I was texting my wife waiting for response. I thought maybe we can go when my wife gets home but it was two and a half hours and the rabbit went into seizures in my arms and died as I was on the phone with the vet and my wife was walking in the door.

I feel like there's no way forgive myself I want someone to give me the information that will get rid of this guilt but at the same time I want you all to tell me that I made a horrible decision and I deserve to feel terrible. Everyone tells people you did all you can don't feel guilty but I did not do all that I could I sat there with my rabbit who clearly was not right but signs of her feet kicking or putting her on the ground and seeing her jump into the corner of the room made me think we'll just take her in a few hours. She needed the vet and I gave it time to wait and see when it was actually an emergency. I can't make sense of my actions in hindsight.

How do I make it right? Even if I spend the rest of my life serving animals and people and live in rags on the street Minky does not get anything out of it. I hate myself right now

Blue eyes · Oct 14, 2024

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found a place with other rabbit people who can relate.

Reading your story, it seems that there are factors that are unknown. Unless you have a necropsy, there really isn't a sure way to know what actually caused Minky's demise. You mentioned she was sitting motionless in her cage. This, of course, could have been a reaction to the new dog, but it is also possible she was experiencing some gastric distress. That could be brought on by stress or possibly it was just coincidental timing. Was the puppy running around and near the rabbit? Barking? Chasing? Was it kept separate? What was going on between them? Many rabbits are not at all terrified of dogs. They are generally more tolerant perhaps than they should be.

The major incident in your bedroom - was it a stroke? Possibly. Jenny (@JBun ) might have some better insight. Would a prompt trip to the vet have changed the outcome? No way to know. Even if you did get her right away to the vet, she may still have passed just the same.

Even if it wasn't the ideal choice, your hesitation to take her to the vet is understandable when you saw that she was able to jump in the corner when you put her down. One thing about rabbits is that they are masters at disguising/hiding illness or injury -- it's a in-the-wild survival mechanism.

The fact is that there simply isn't a way to know if the outcome would have been different if Minky got to the vet right away. It's natural to second guess and wonder "what if..." or "if only I had..." but that won't change anything. We're not infallible. I can't say whether or not you made a mistake in any of this. We just don't know. But even IF you did, you need to forgive yourself. I think it's safe to say that anyone who has had rabbits for any length of time has made questionable care decisions. Dwelling on those questionable decisions and letting them weigh us down serves no purpose. We can learn from them and vow to continue learning. And we then become better bunny parents along the way.

For now, just remember the comfortable life Minky had and perhaps in the future you can provide another lucky rabbit with a happy life.

Mathew Tobiasz · Oct 14, 2024

Blue eyes said:
Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found a place with other rabbit people who can relate.

Reading your story, it seems that there are factors that are unknown. Unless you have a necropsy, there really isn't a sure way to know what actually caused Minky's demise. You mentioned she was sitting motionless in her cage. This, of course, could have been a reaction to the new dog, but it is also possible she was experiencing some gastric distress. That could be brought on by stress or possibly it was just coincidental timing. Was the puppy running around and near the rabbit? Barking? Chasing? Was it kept separate? What was going on between them? Many rabbits are not at all terrified of dogs. They are generally more tolerant perhaps than they should be.

The major incident in your bedroom - was it a stroke? Possibly. Jenny (@JBun ) might have some better insight. Would a prompt trip to the vet have changed the outcome? No way to know. Even if you did get her right away to the vet, she may still have passed just the same.

Even if it wasn't the ideal choice, your hesitation to take her to the vet is understandable when you saw that she was able to jump in the corner when you put her down. One thing about rabbits is that they are masters at disguising/hiding illness or injury -- it's a in-the-wild survival mechanism.

The fact is that there simply isn't a way to know if the outcome would have been different if Minky got to the vet right away. It's natural to second guess and wonder "what if..." or "if only I had..." but that won't change anything. We're not infallible. I can't say whether or not you made a mistake in any of this. We just don't know. But even IF you did, you need to forgive yourself. I think it's safe to say that anyone who has had rabbits for any length of time has made questionable care decisions. Dwelling on those questionable decisions and letting them weigh us down serves no purpose. We can learn from them and vow to continue learning. And we then become better bunny parents along the way.

For now, just remember the comfortable life Minky had and perhaps in the future you can provide another lucky rabbit with a happy life.

Mathew Tobiasz · Oct 14, 2024

I'm not sure if you know, or maybe you do know how much your response means to me and so soon after posting it. I just had minky cremated and I just can't get around the guilt even though I think it's unfair to mix that into the grieving since the impossibility of letting her go is mixed in with the fact that she might still be here. The behavior was a black and white change from when the dog came and he was up against her cage and running around. He is a friendly dog but she obviously completely changed and was no longer doing any of her activities or eating much for 3 days. Feel like if I would have Googled the symptoms I would have seen that it was maybe a stroke and I could take her in right away but perhaps I was in denial or thinking it was fine to wait until my wife got home and see if she parked up at all. In hindsight I feel like it was so obvious of an emergency. My wife who admits guilt for bringing the dog into our home with no preparation given the personality of our rabbit, said I spoiled and obsessed over the rabbit and thanl God I was in her life but, those final hours haunt me. Still, your input is a great value to me and I'm very thankful. Through the rabbit and the other animals I have learned how much courage it takes to love those little creatures it's hard to imagine having the strength to love another rabbit they are so special, I can't put my finger on it.

JBun · Oct 14, 2024

Rabbits can be difficult pets when it comes to understanding when health situations might be critical. Like Blue Eyes said, they're very good at hiding things that might be wrong with them. Primarily because they're quiet and have very subtle indicators when there's a problem. It can take lots of experience to be able to spot these signs early enough, and even then it's not always easy to know when it's an emergency and time to get to the vet. But even had you left for the vet immediately, I don't think the vet would have been able to save your rabbit. Sudden health declines of this kind, aren't usually reversible unfortunately.

As I see it, you were in a difficult situation. Having to deal with someone else's choices and the consequences from those choices, isn't usually an easy thing, and especially when it's choices made by a loved one.

We've all made mistakes with our pets. It's an unfortunate part of being human, we don't always know what the best thing is to do in the moment. Sometimes we make the right choice, sometimes we make some bad ones, sometimes we just don't know enough to make the right choice. I know I haven't always made perfect decisions with my pets, but I just try to educate myself and do better when I find I've made a mistake. But even then I'm not perfect. None of us are. We will never make all the right choices in life. We just have to do the best we can with what we know at the time, and when we fall short, try and do better the next time.

You took responsibility for this living being, even when it wasn't your choice to bring this pet into your home. You provided her with love and care, and a happy life for the time she was with you. I think that is commendable and counts for a whole lot. I won't lie, it will probably hurt your heart for a while, but it will ease if you allow yourself to feel the hurt of the loss, but also not beat yourself up over the choices made. Instead, focus on the love you had for that little precious soul and the bond you had.

Mathew Tobiasz · Oct 15, 2024

JBun said:
Rabbits can be difficult pets when it comes to understanding when health situations might be critical. Like Blue Eyes said, they're very good at hiding things that might be wrong with them. Primarily because they're quiet and have very subtle indicators when there's a problem. It can take lots of experience to be able to spot these signs early enough, and even then it's not always easy to know when it's an emergency and time to get to the vet. But even had you left for the vet immediately, I don't think the vet would have been able to save your rabbit. Sudden health declines of this kind, aren't usually reversible unfortunately.

As I see it, you were in a difficult situation. Having to deal with someone else's choices and the consequences from those choices, isn't usually an easy thing, and especially when it's choices made by a loved one.

We've all made mistakes with our pets. It's an unfortunate part of being human, we don't always know what the best thing is to do in the moment. Sometimes we make the right choice, sometimes we make some bad ones, sometimes we just don't know enough to make the right choice. I know I haven't always made perfect decisions with my pets, but I just try to educate myself and do better when I find I've made a mistake. But even then I'm not perfect. None of us are. We will never make all the right choices in life. We just have to do the best we can with what we know at the time, and when we fall short, try and do better the next time.

You took responsibility for this living being, even when it wasn't your choice to bring this pet into your home. You provided her with love and care, and a happy life for the time she was with you. I think that is commendable and counts for a whole lot. I won't lie, it will probably hurt your heart for a while, but it will ease if you allow yourself to feel the hurt of the loss, but also not beat yourself up over the choices made. Instead, focus on the love you had for that little precious soul and the bond you had.

Thank you so much for this thoughtful response, I will be rereading these for awhile. I am taking this to heart. The house is so quiet without her little chewing and pattering feet noises as she snuck around the house, or I realize she's been under the bed the whole time...

Jocee · Oct 15, 2024

The fact that you feel so bad shows you cared and looked after your bunny really well, I not so long ago had my bunny pass away of fright most likely in a thunder storm I thought of this and that and all the things I should have done but sometimes in the moment you just don’t know because she had been fine in other thunder and rain but that night she wasn’t but all we can do is learn from before because like Jbun and blue eyes said bunnies can be real tricky to judge sometimes and one time they may be fine and the next they aren’t and they hide things so well and all we can do is our best I under stand how you feel but we just keep learning

I’m real sorry for your loss and hope you can find peace in your self knowing that you actually cared for your Bunny really well

Mathew Tobiasz · Oct 15, 2024

Jocee said:
The fact that you feel so bad shows you cared and looked after your bunny really well, I not so long ago had my bunny pass away of fright most likely in a thunder storm I thought of this and that and all the things I should have done but sometimes in the moment you just don’t know because she had been fine in other thunder and rain but that night she wasn’t but all we can do is learn from before because like Jbun and blue eyes said bunnies can be real tricky to judge sometimes and one time they may be fine and the next they aren’t and they hide things so well and all we can do is our best I under stand how you feel but we just keep learning

I’m real sorry for your loss and hope you can find peace in your self knowing that you actually cared for your Bunny really well

More time that passes I feel a little embarrassed about my post but the only reason the guilt has moved into the background far enough to stop contaminating the grief so much is from the responses here. It makes me wish I had been part of the community all along and if I have the courage to get another rabbit I will definitely be an active member. I am so sorry about your rabbit in the thunderstorm that is really something I would not even think possible. Thanks for sharing your story and taking the time to respond.

Massive guilt in hindsight

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Massive guilt in hindsight

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